The Mind of "M", M.J. Garrett [read 50 shades of grey txt] 📗

Hush Little Baby

I watch you and pretend that you sleep.
I brush the hair from you face as you don’t make a peep.
I smile with a look of pride.
Your skin so soft and you are all mine.
I clinch your hand and interlock fingers.
I whisper “I love you” but I know you don’t hear me.
Your face is getting cold as the fan softly turns.
Let me cover you up…careful not to disturb.
I’ll make you breakfast and we’ll spend the day together
We will fold clothes and clean the kitchen together
We will do all the things that make life fun
You and me…just us two, hun.
I’ll let you sleep for now, I know you need your rest
You need to be strong so you can pretend you care.
It’s ok…I know I need help.
But you seem so patient with that knife in your chest.
I’ve cleaned up the mess and washed your body down
I brushed your hair…you are so clean now.
Just lay there in your quiet place
Your lips are so dry and your face has gone pale.
But it’s ok. I’m here for you. I will never leave you.
You smile more now than you did the past year or two.
I guess change has been the cure for us.
You don’t talk too much now…you allow me to decide for us.
I guess change has been what we really needed.
Maybe you can see me now for what you never conceded.
I’ll take the knife out, I promise…let the sheet silhouette you.
Just don’t scream…I might have to kill you.


Home is where the heart is.

They say that some never change until they see the bottom coming up. It’s like falling from a place of bliss into a dark world that is so foreign to me. The bottom is already here, but I choose not to change. I choose to embrace this new place. This dark world with dark intentions has chased me for so long and I have run long enough. I can’t run any longer. I didn’t fall from grace…I jumped. I closed my eyes and faced the things that have endured my cowardly retreat. I see the very darkness that engulfs my senses and I feel the loneliness and pain that are mine to embrace. The fear of the unknown embraces me like a father would his proud son. This dark soulless world is now a part of me. It’s where I lay my head and it’s where my mind retreats to when your world has forgotten me.

I see the bottom and it’s too high for me to reach. I look up and I don’t see the hands of god. I don’t hear him calling me home. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I close my eyes and breathe. I’m waiting, standing in this dark world. My face weary from the tears I don’t cry. My hands are wrinkled from the water that drowns my soul. My body, stripped naked, is cold and breathless. My feet are torn from the road I never traveled. Embrace me dark world. Give me the joy of redemption. My lifeless soul yearns for acceptance into your loneliness.

My weary feet step from this cold puddle of sweat and grasp the cold asphalt of my new world. Sweat and blood run down my calves and form around my calloused feet. Open wounds burn as the salt from my body slowly flow over them and create pale pink puddles around each foot print. My knees are weak…bloody from wounds of fruitless prayer and delirious meditation. My body shivers from the cold.

My eyes dart back and forth, searching for purpose and security. There is none. The darkness has possessed me with memories of what I’ll never be. Flashbacks from a future that isn’t mine haunt me with faces from a past that is yet to be. Embrace me! Show me the world that everyone has turned their backs on. Show me the world here for me. Inspire me with the darkness of humanity while my body shivers from the chill of your anguish. I have become what I thought I couldn’t…I’ve become me. I’ve become a dark representation of your disappointment and the opposite of your satisfied smile of approval. I am your flesh. I am your hate. I am your pain. I am your fear. I am your abandoned son.

I slowly open my dilated eyes and begin to smile with the satisfaction of knowing that I am my own. Tainted by your revenge and your lust for the impossible…I will conquer this world. I will battle with demons. I will unite with the gods of my mind and I will become what you fear the most. I will embody the emotions that grasp my soul and transform. I softly laugh and embrace the dark world that has embraced me. Finally, this is where I am supposed to be. I am home.


My dearest apology!

I would like to apologize for the way I present myself through blogs, pictures, poems, songs, and even in person. For some of you, I may seem to be an angry, hateful, self-loathing, wannabe martyr who has yet to allow his past to be buried, but insist on burying his future. Although this view is the one that I present, do not judge this book by its horrible cover. Inside this “book” you will find a sensitive, loving individual, who loves life and sees the world in bright beautiful joyful colors and sees a sky full of rainbows and soft fluffy clouds. He’s there….I’m there….all you have to do to find him is….

…walk down the dark corridors that loom with hate
See the blood on the walls from all the pain I create
Hear the sheer scream of the soul that I refuse to embrace
A breath, a breeze, if not just for one little taste
You walk past the pictures that I love to hate
Look in my eyes, wipe the smile off my face!
Follow the smell of the burning skin in the air
You’ll find that poor soul…you better look everywhere!
Can you hear the chains that he drags like the ghost of our past?

Feel the death in the air…my soul will never last!
Cowardly hidden in a room full of mirrors
I see me for what I am…it couldn’t be any clearer.
Those who love to hit need a face to split
Those who love to kill need blood to spill
Those of us who love to be stabbed in the back
Need a back strong enough for the whole world to attack
I’ll be the whipping post for anyone who needs it
But don’t get mad when I ask for 10 minutes
Look at this soul caged by rage
Lost in hate and found enslaved
I could go on for days about the ways I paid
Just to hear you say, “Please, don’t complain today!”
FUCK THAT! I’m taking my time to clear my mind
Imprison this soul with the hate of mine
So look all you want you’ll never find the real me
I’m buried like the future of man I’m suppose to be
I don’t need you….you need me!
I make you look so good…like the angel I used to be
So compare yourself to me…you’ll look like a winner
But hide behind your front…If I ever find you…I’ll kill you!!!!!


I don't need you...you need me!

I don't need space...I need a distraction!!
Kind of trapped in my own head...a product of my own dissatisfaction!!
I used to bend bullets, jump as high as the moon,
Run so fast that I could change the world’s view.
I could be whatever I want, whatever she needs,
A king to some and a provider to three
But when does the world stop to help me out
I gave you everything and yet you fucking spew me out?
My mind has gotten weary from working overtime
To many loose strings and never enough time
Believe me, hear me, this war is not over
I struggle to find ways to keep me from falling over
I used to believe that the world gave a fuck
I could write crazy stuff that my head makes up
Write stories that seem to be fictional based
But so fucking real to me that it resurrects my hate
Disgusted by the thought that I never fought back
While the child molesting fuck was allowed to relapse
I hate myself daily for allowing the pain
To be passed to other kids because I never said a thing
So many lives were changed…for the worse because of me
I hope you know I deal with it by rhythm less melodies
So much pain to feed, hate to breed
So little breath to breathe, so many reasons to hate me
Yet my kids look at me like I’m a fucking hero
Little do they know that I’m just a zero
Worthy of nothing more than to boil in my own my hate
No distraction from my own damn emotional cage
So I’ll write until my fucking fingers bleed
I’ll battle you preachers who say it’s wrong to be me
Because this is what I am…hate, anger, and dissatisfied
Jealous, hurt, belittled, lonely, with no tears left to cry
Save me? Don’t even think you can
When you live what you preach…I’ll listen to your plan
All I want is to be understood and heard
None of you, but one, can even hear my words
Pity me, hate me, try to understand me
As long as you believe I’m wrong I don’t want you near me!!


I am

So many people expect perfection from our imperfect world. Our imperfect people scream for the impossible. They demand the one thing that they can not provide. They choose to overlook moments of greatness by focusing on failures. Humanity, the carnal desires that religion is so quick to scorn, is where we dwell. This place of such evil intension is rebuked by half hearted scholars that make beliefs out of impossible goals. Where does someone go when they have nowhere to go? You want me run into the arms of your god? Where does a person go if they embrace their souls and stand by their own convictions? You want me to run into the doors of your synagogue? I stand by my heart…not yours! You bleed red because your religion says so? What do I bleed? I embrace the very emotions that make me human. I hold fast to the soul that I have, not for the sake of collecting jewels for the crown I’ll never wear, but because I will not forsake my soul. The anger that I have, the tears that I shed, the shame that I feel, the love