Animal Tales, Paul Curtis [ebook reader library txt] 📗

BEASTS IN THE MIST

They gather in the full moons light
On lonely roads at dead of night
With shinning eyes that pierce the mists
They prey on passing motorists
Sure footed over rock and crag
A victim fresh to feast they drag
And all that’s left when feedings through
Is a baseball cap and a training shoe
No wolf or hound will prowl the moors
And ghosts and ghouls stay home indoors
So when shrill screams disturb your sleep
Beware the Cumberland killer sheep

CLARISSA THE CROSS EYED PIG

A man takes his prize pig to see the vet and says
My pig is cross-eyed can you help in some way?
So he picks the pig up and examines her eyes
Then checks her teeth and then finally he sighs
“I think I’m going to have to put her down now”
“For being cross-eyed?” “No coz she's a heavy sow”

SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT

Will someone put the cat out?
Please don’t make me shout
To put the cat out is my one desire
So put it out because it’s on fire

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY

Eco friendly products do they pay?
That’s what the manufacturers say
I have read on the weed killer lids
That it won’t kill any of your kids
And it won’t kill the family moggy
It won’t even kill the family doggy
But does it kill the weeds pray tell
No it just makes them a little unwell

A DOGS LIFE
I think the dog wants to go out
He doesn’t bark and he cannot shout
But I know that I’m not wrong
Because he’s got his hat and coat on

SCENE OF THE SLIME

Now yesterday I planted out
My annuals in a bed laid out
I went to take a look today
But find my annuals gone away
What evil in my garden walks?
All I see are marigold stalks
Now I see the trails of slime
I know who did this awful crime
Not creepy crawlies or even bugs
But evil little snails and slugs
You cannot poison them they say
That isn’t nice there’s another way
Grit or egg shell on the trail
Or little cups of beer or ale
But I’m not one to treat them nice
They will pay the ultimate price


RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – THE BATHROOM

If visitors go to the bathroom
Always accompany them there
It’s not necessary to do anything
You just have to sit and stare

COCK SURE

Why across the road
Did the cockerel strut
Because he was told
The chicken was a slut

WHERE EAGLES DARE

Eagles may soar free and proud
Soaring high among the cloud
And they may look down to view
On more humble creatures who
Can’t soar high among the cloud
And cannot soar free and proud
But these creatures I should begin
Never get sucked into a jet engine

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - CHAIRS OR CARPETS

If you think you’re going to be sick
Get to any chair as quick as you can
If you cannot manage it in time
Get to the expensive rug from Japan
If there is no Oriental rug to hand
Then the shag pile will certainly fit
When throwing up on any carpet
Make sure you back up as you do it

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - DOORS

It’s very important that you endeavor
Not to allow you’re human too ever
In any room keep the doors shut
To get a door open, just purr or strut
Once you’ve got your human to open it
It is not necessary for you to use it
If it is an outside door lie in the threshold
This is very important if it’s wet or cold


CAN WE HAVE A PET DAD?

Can we have a pet dad?
How about some fish?
Swimming in a tank
Oh I wish, I wish, I wish
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like fish
Swimming in a tank
I like them poached lightly on a dish


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a hamster?
Running on a wheel
Oh can I have one sir
No we can’t have a pet son
No I don’t like hamsters
Running on a wheel
But baked in the oven with roasters


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a cat?
Purring on your lap
What’s wrong with that?
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like cat
Purring on me lap
Curried though oh yes I do like that


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a gerbil?
They’re cuddly and cute
That would be a thrill
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like a gerbil
Even cuddly and cute
Except in white wine sauce with dill


Can we have a pet dad?
Now how about some mice?
They’re not big like rats
They’d be very nice
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like mice
Though not big like rats
I like them served on a bed of rice


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a rat?
They’re cheap to keep
What do you think of that?
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like rats
Even I have standards
I think I would rather eat my hats


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a doggie?
Playing with a ball
Much better than a moggie
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like dogs
Playing with a ball
But I do like to wok the dogs


Can we have a pet dad?
How about a parrot?
Chatting on its perch
I’d like that a lot
No we can’t have a pet son
No I don’t like them see
Chatting on their perch
Because parrots repeat on me


RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – HELP WITH THE COOKING

When supervising the cooking
Get behind the cook by sitting
Where she would be hard put
To see you just by her left foot
And you will stand a better chance
Of being trod on which will advance
Your human to pick you up to
Babble gibberish and comfort you

RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY – READING BOOKS

When you’re human is reading a book
Jump up on them to get a closer look
Get close up to them under their chin
So it’s hard for them to keep reading
Keep between the reader and the book
And dribble on it when they try to look
If you get the chance lie on their hands
They will soon give in to your demands


DOWN PATCH

Bruno was a young slavering Boxer
And quite an ugly looking brute
While Ginger was a Yorkshire terrier
And so by definition rather cute
On this summer evening it was
The first time the two dogs had ever met
While waiting with their humans
In the waiting room of the local vet
It was friendly Ginger who was the first
To speak and too break the ice
“There’s something stuck up my bum
And you know that’s not very nice”
“I’m a yorkie and they call me Ginger
What does your human call you?”
“I’m a Boxer called Bruno very pleased
To meet you, how do you do”?
“I’m here for more tests because
I don’t think they know what’s wrong”
Said ginger with resignation
“Why are you here you look fit and strong”?
“Well” replied Bruno “you know how sultry
The weather’s been lately”
“I’m a young virile dog and to be honest
I’ve been feeling very