HEALTH MATTERS, Paul Curtis [ebook and pdf reader .TXT] 📗

drawn face
Is someone that he cares for
No longer with us anymore
Someone close to death or dead
Or worse terminally ill instead
Maybe he’s visiting a survivor
Or a new mum on the top floor
A lot of staff use the facilities
Doctors nurses or ancillaries
Is this a fresh day beginning?
Or a long night shift ending
There’s an outpatient I can see
Could be for xray physio or ENT
Two security men both partake
Drinking coffee and eating cake
A young paramedic wanders in
Buys a coffee and is gone again
Tables clear and are then refilled
By a group of men who build
So why am I sat here observing?
Its what I do when I’m not serving

BACK TALK

My daughter has a minor back complaint
And she has suffered for ten years nearly
She has tried almost every type of therapy
For which in that time she has paid dearly
The latest fad or fashion to catch her eye
Is the magnetic under blanket clearly
Only when she goes to sleep facing the east
By morning she’s spun to face northerly


PROFESSIONALS

Doctors, dentists, lawyers
And all that professional lot
Are only ever on time for appointments
When you're not

INCONCEIVABLE

Bimbette went to see her doctor
As she was felling quite unwell
And after a thorough examination
The doctor had something to tell
Bimbette was then told the news
That she was in fact expecting
After the initial shock was over
She wanted to know about delivering
He said you’ll be in the same position
Roughly when you conceived you know
“What in the back of a Mini Cooper
With me legs sticking out the window”?


GEE PEE

An embarrassed young man visited his GP
As he had a problem when he went to pee
The man explained when he went to tinkle
That he tended in fact to rather sprinkle
On examination of the man’s instrument
The doctor realized what the man meant
He found holes all along the length of it
Which would certainly make it leak a bit
The man enquired if it would get better
The doctor just scribbled a referral letter
He asked “is it to a Harley street specialist”
The doctor replied “no it’s to a clarinetist”
The man was stunned at the recommendation
And seeing him puzzled at his suggestion
The doctor said, “he specializes in beginners
And will tell you where to put your fingers”


ABSENTEE (ACROSTICS)

Sarah was absent last week because she had an
Illness fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Catherine, her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
Kenny, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
Nor was I the best either,
Over come with a sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around,
Even her father got hot last night.

LONGER

I don’t smoke any longer
Of long life I'm fonder
Will it help I wonder
To make me any stronger
And make me live longer
Or just to seem longer


MIND AND BODY – BROKEN BODY

How cruel
What callous vindictiveness
So unutterably spiteful
Perpetrated by the Supreme Being?
Part of some master plan
Or predestined by the fates
The roll of a dice
It’s unimportant who
Or why
It’s just a waste
Such a waste
Trapping an incisive mind
So razor sharp
Of such brilliance
Trapping it mercilessly
In a slowly decaying shell
Irrevocably diseased
The body wasting
Unable to walk
Even to talk
Unable to eat unaided
Or use the toilet
Lost control
And lost dignity
All the time the mind astute
Until finally only the mind remains
Then as on an old TV screen
Everything fades to a white dot
Then nothing

DOCTOR LARDY

They used to call us fatty
Chunky or sometimes tubby
Euphemisms like sumo
Alternatively maybe chubby
However Political correctness
Has demanded that this must cease
So now the doctors just call us
All Clinically obese


MIND AND BODY – BROKEN MIND

When does it start?
And how
Does someone flick a switch?
Is it like that?
There must be a beginning
Everything begins
This must begin with a cell
Just one dieing
Then another
Cell by cell
Until it happens
And you notice something
Something
Not quiet right
Names said wrong or forgotten
You dismiss it
But something’s not right
The one day
You see a look of vagueness
Of alarm
Then the realization
The person you have known and loved
For a life time
Is looking at a stranger
And the stranger is you
It’s only short lived,
The first time
But it happens again
Because cell by cell
It steals their mind
Steals their dignity
And takes away their personality
Perhaps the cruelest twist
Is the body stays healthy
As the brain is afflicted
And for you
There is no happy ending
When decay takes the mind
And for you
There is no redemption
For you there is
Only the hope you dare not mention
Hope of a merciful release
To have the one you love at peace

WHAT?

What darkness
Leads a tortured soul
To break the bonds
Which hold us
Voluntarily

What illusion
So influences
A mind once so rational
To plot its own
Destruction

What delusion
That to escape sorrow
Convinces totally
You reach euphoria
By self release

What question
Asked of a soul
Is so composed
That the answer be
Suicide

NIP AND TUCK

Some people seek perfection
Something’s offend their vanity
Which leads them to decide
On bouts of cosmetic surgery

Breast enlargements, tummy tucks
Rhinoplasti implants and grafts
New procedures all the time
Techniques to test the surgeon craft

I don’t hold with it myself
Its something I have always felt
Never mess with Mother Nature
And play the hand you are dealt


FEAR NOT

There are many
Phobias and fears
Causing consternation
Jitters or tears
Like agoraphobia
Fear of open spaces
Parks and fields
And public places
They are by definition
Irrational by nature
Fear of things
Causing discomfiture
Angora phobia is
If I know no better
The irrational fear
Of a Mohair sweater


LOST SOULS

The selfish
Self deluding
Act of release
At the end
The point of serenity
Marking an end
And a beginning
For the one
Peace
A perfect painless peace
An end of heart ache
Physical pain
Emotional sorrow
Loneliness perhaps
For those remaining
Pain begins
Picking up threads
Of a self extinguished life
Tying loose ends
Cleaning up the mess
Hating them
While mourning them
Loving them
While despising them
Coming to terms
With the loss

MEAL DEAL

The kids have a happy meal
When we go to McDonalds
Why don’t they extend the range?
To meet demands at Ronald’s
As we’re not always happy
Hysterical or even jolly
What about manic-depressives
And the sad and the melancholy
Instead of a plastic toy
Perhaps a more practical addition
With every melancholy meal
A pot of Valium or Mogadon


DEATH BY CRABS

People would say
“You look well”
People I hadn’t seen for months
Especially
And I admit
I did feel well
But inside I was being consumed
From the inside out
By an unseen evil
Krebs
The Germans call it
Which translates to crabs
In English it sounds so innocuous
Death by crabs
It claimed my father
His mother and grandmother
But crabs cant kill can they?
No, but cancer can
The sign of the crab

DO’S AND DON’TS

When you find a woman
Collapsed upon the floor
DO loosen her clothing
But only about her neck or waist
DON’T remover her under garments
DO check her pulse
At the wrist or neck
DON’T go straight for her groin
DO check for a heartbeat
This can be done by listening
If no pulse or heartbeat is present
DO perform CPR
This does NOT involve squeezing her breasts
If necessary DO give mouth to mouth
DO ensure airway is clear
DON’T use your tongue
If CPR has been successful
DO Place her in the recovery position
DON’T put her head in your lap
Especially NOT face down

DO NO HARM

The art of medicine
Would appear to be
To distract the patient
Sufficiently
For Mother Nature
To cure the disease

BMI

I am not obese
Let’s get that right
I am not even fat
I’m just under height

MALADY’S

As your children grow older the problems
Change but don’t seem to go away at all
Instead of them being sick because of a bug
They are sick because of too much alcohol


NAUGHTY BUT NICE

In life you will find anything
Even remotely good at all
Is always going to be either
Fattening illegal or immoral

CHECK WITH THE DOC

Bimbette went to the doctors
To talk about her pregnancy
Doc asked, “Have you had a check up?”
She said, “No he was polish actually”

INTERNAL QUERY

Tell me ladies please tell me this
It’s a question that’s left me stressed
Why does the gynecologist
Leave the room while you get undressed?


AUTOMATIC PHOBIA
My wife has a phobia of automation
She doesn’t trust things robotic
At the hospital she wont use
Sliding doors because their automatic
We have to walk round the back
Circumnavigating the complex
To find a door we have to open
To accommodate her own complex
Then up sixteen flights of stairs
For she doesn’t like the elevators
Nor does she like travelators
And she doesn’t do the escalators
Up and up the stairs we go
No wonder my heart rate is so high
No wonder my pulse is racing
Why must hospital reach up to the sky?
I’m out of breath and tiring
Is it any wonder I’m in a state?
Because she’s a technophobe
I’m a heart attack candidate

THE MIRACLE CURE

Do you feel inadequate?
Or suffer from shyness?
Are you unable to be assertive?
Did you answered yes?
Then the solution is simple
Though a little distasteful
Get to a wine bar double fast
And get totally rat assed
Wine is the safest natural way
To bring you out of your shell
You will have new confidence
To tell total strangers to “go to hell”
Inadequacy will be a thing of the past
Shyness will be a forgotten thing
Assertiveness will be the new you
And you will be willing to do anything
This is not a quick fix solution
Regular doses should be taken
Try different drinks, experiment
This is a “for life” regimen
I must give a word of warning
Shyness and awkwardness
Will return to haunt you
So always carry a bottle in readiness

RAPPED

A man was sent to see a Psychiatrist
For an appointment he could not miss
When the doctor saw the poor chap
He was dressed only in plastic shrink wrap
The Doctor said, with no ifs or buts
"Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"

HIT FOR SIX

A man went to see Doctor Crum
"I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"


DROPPED

A man went to Doctor Grace’s
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
The doctor thought for a moment
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

AAAH DENTIST

I went to the dentist
And was called by his receptionist
I stepped in not getting far
When he said "Say Aaah"
"Why?" I instantly replied
He said "because my