HEALTH MATTERS, Paul Curtis [ebook and pdf reader .TXT] 📗

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DR PHIL

When Phillip went to the doctor’s surgery,
The doctor said to him in a cheery way
“I haven't seen you in a long time Phil"
Phillip replied "I know I've been ill"


POOR SAM

Sam went to the Doctors
With every ache and pain
And with every sniff and sniffle
He would go again and again
If he had a simple heat rash
He thought he had meningitis
If he had a bad case of wind
He thought he had appendicitis
The doctor tried him on placebos
Giving Sam pots of sugar pills
But despite the docs best efforts
Sam returned with non-existent ills
The doctor tried to be patient
But one day when Sam came back
The doctor gave him the bad news
“I must tell you you’re a hypochondriac”
Sam became all hot and bothered
And created a right old fuss
Then when he calmed down he asked
“What’s a hypochondriac? Is it serious?”

DR GRACE

A man went to doctor Grace’s
"I've hurt my arm in several places"
The man said clearly in pain
Doc Grace said "well don't go there again"

KEEP FAT

My wife keeps telling me
I must get fit you see
I tell her I am already in shape
Because Round IS a shape

DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH

Laughing is good for you
The effect is known worldwide
Laughing is good for you
The benefits cannot be denied
Laughing is like exercise
It's like your jogging on the inside


SORE POINT

One of the guys was off sick yesterday
He had a sore throat well that’s what he says
But he was seen in a pub trying to cure it
By pouring pints of lager down it

LAUGH YOURSELF FIT

It is said to keep you fit and well
Laughter is the best medicine
Unless of course you are a diabetic
Then the best thing is insulin

HEALTH CLUB WARNING

I joined a health club last year
It cost two hundred pounds so quite dear
I haven’t lost a single pound
So as an investment not very sound
But it wasn’t their fault to be fare
Because apparently you have to go there


A QUESTION OF HEALTH

If you stopped taking exercise
When you got your first TV remote
And you haven’t eaten lettuce
Since Maggie Thatcher got the vote
If you haven’t seen your feet
Since you were at primary school
And you think that a microwave
Is actually a power tool
If you think that alcohol
Is itself a food group
And you eat more crispy croutons
Than you do low calorie soup
If you answered yes
To any part of this questionnaire
Then someone is reading this
Too you in intensive care


MENOPAUSAL MONITOR

George was unhappy
With his wife’s erratic mood swings
And his work mates
Told him of the benefits of mood rings
So he went out a bought one
So he might monitor her mood
He had his reservations
And he thought the idea quite crude
But when she was in a good mood
The stone in the ring turned bright red
And when in a bad mood
It left a huge bruise on his fore head
He came to the conclusion
That he would throw away the mood ring
And try a new tack
Such as buying her a diamond ring


EXERCISE PLAN

My wife wants me to start taking exercise
But not for my own sake to be plain
The only reason she wants me to exercise
Is so she can hear heavy breathing again

A GOOD EXERCISE

Exercise is a good thing
Pushing your body physically
It can take many forms
I like cycling particularly
I like golf and swimming
I like long walks, especially
When they are taken by
People who annoy me

EARLY RISER

When I do my exercise
I do it early in the morning
Before my brain works out
What my bodies doing

BODY IMAGE

I am not perfect
My figure is not the best
Some bits I really hate
But I do quite like my breasts
I have flabby thighs,
Which I would happily condemn
But fortunately my stomach
Obscures the view of them

HEALTHIER LIFE

The recipe for a healthier life
Is to be a regular exerciser
This is the current advice
Of every medical practitioner
But exercising every day
Just means that you die healthier


OLD JOKE

The unfortunate truth is sadly
That growing older is mandatory
But what is also true for all
Is that growing up is optional
And the most important tip or trick
Is laughing at yourself is therapeutic

THE BLACK DOG

For years I have suffered
At the hands of depression
I’m not alone in my suffering
Many others have this affliction
Winston Churchill had a name for it
“Black dog” he named his miasm
I’ve come to think of mine
As anger without enthusiasm


CALL ME EPPING

They call me Epping
Coz I’m not the full shilling
They call me Epping
Coz I’m just past Barking

MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT

There is a natural order in life
There are rules to be understood
For example bearing children
There is a time limit on motherhood
The term “child bearing years”
Was coined for a very simple reason
So that everything in life
Can have its time and season
A Woman over fifty is ill equipped
To show a baby proper care
As she would put the baby down
And then forget where


USE AS DIRECTED

If you should confuse your valium
With your birth control pills, beware
You’ll end up with sixteen kids
But I don’t suppose you’ll care

I FORGET TO EAT

There was a rather vacuous
Skinny girl who irritated me
“Sometimes I forget to eat”
The silly girl said to me
Now I’ve forgotten things
Where I parked the car
My mother's maiden name
Keys for the house and the car
And once even where I lived
But I’ve never forgotten to eat
I’ve been too busy or too tired
But not so stupid I forgot to eat


SIGNS OF STRESS

Do you eat too much?
Is the answer yes?
Are you impulse buyer?
Is that another yes?
And are you a fast driver too?
These are all signs of stress
Now if you’re not worried
Then you’re not suffering from stress
Eating, shopping and fast driving
Make a perfect day for you I guess

A BLOCKED VALVE

I have some information to impart
Why it is that men snore
When they lie on their backs
Is the time they do it more
It’s a simple case of physics
Because their dangly bits of genitalia
Hang down to block their anal orifice
Which in turn causes apnea

DRINK TO MY HEALTH

I was out for a walk
Just round and about
When I saw in a doorway
An old down and out
Drinking brake fluid
From an old tin cup
I stood for a moment
And watched him sup
“If that stuff kills you
That would be a crime”
“Don’t worry” said he
“I can stop anytime”

COMFORT EATER

Through a total lack of self esteem
I eat too much to ease my despair
And food has now replaced sex for me
So I can't even get into my own underwear


SHARING

We shared an umbrella when we first met
When caught in an April shower
We shared our first kiss
One night in the wee small hours
We shared a passionate embrace
And made love in culmination
Then we shared a secret
After we caught an unpleasant infection

TIMING IS EVERYTHING

We were both young me and him
And full of vigour and vim
So why was our sex life so grim?

We understood the mechanics
We enjoyed each others bits
And knew where everything fits

So why? Pray tell me, was it
When we get down to do it
Our expectation were never met

We tried every artificial aid
Roll play and other forms of charade
So a radical decision was made

We visited a doctor’s surgery
In hope to relieve our anxiety
Hooray there was nothing wrong with me

I could set my mind at rest
That when he was rummaging in my vest
I was functioning at my best

There was no problem with me, but him
Though both full of vigour and vim
He was the reason our sex life was grim

Because when we got down to jigger
And he was grappling with my figure
It quickly set off his hair trigger

His defect was certainly a pity
But I decided to dump Mr. Brevity
And found a man with sexual longevity

GET A GRIP

It was when I was at the hospital today
I had undressed and was sat waiting
When the nurse said quite sharply
“You really must stop masturbating”

Alarmed I asked with tremulous voice
“Why is there something wrong Nurse Pugh?
She looked at me unsympathetically and said
“No it’s because I need to examine you”

FEVERISH

I don’t think I have swine flu
As I haven’t been to Mexico
But I don’t feel well at all
I feel like crap if you must know
I thought of the NHS for advice
On the flu and perhaps its tackling
So I phoned the swine flu hotline
But all I got was crackling


EPIDEMIC TO PANDEMIC

The UK swine flu cases
Have now reach sixty two
But the shocking news
That’s being kept from you
Is of the 35 million
Confirmed cases of man flu

BELLA DONNA

I met the beautiful Daniela
When we shared her umbrella
Then we drank a little Stella
And I said I thought her bella
She said I was quite a fella
So I had my way with Daniela
If I saw her now I’d tell her
About the state of my old fella
That turned a funny shade of yella
And the STD clinic fella
Had to employ his own umbrella
After I had my way with Daniela

HOSPITAL DUDE

The coolest dude at the hospital
Is the ultra sound guy
But when he is on holiday
It’s the hip replacement guy

STRESSED OUT

Is your life hard?
Do you feel stressed out?
Do, the do’s and don’ts
Make you scream and shout
To change things around
There is no doubt
That ice-cream and cake
Will turn your stress about
For if you turn Stressed around
Then Desserts is spelled out


HEALTH WARNING

How can they say smoking is bad for you?
It’s a lot of old tosh in my personal view
All my family smoked since they were nippers
And after all smoking has cured my kippers

HAVING A STROKE

A woman arrived on the ward
To visit her husband one day
And when she saw him in his bed
He looked in a very bad way
She asked the nurse what happened
“He had another stroke” The nurse said
The woman unconvinced
Questioned her about bruises to his head
“That’s not normal for someone having a stroke”
She said to her crossly
“I can tell you it is perfectly normal madam
When he’s having a stroke of me”


KEEP FAT

I’ve just seen myself in the mirror
And it’s clear I need to get thinner
But if I join a gym