No Body Experience, Elvin Morello [online e reader txt] 📗

It just felt like yesterday, I thought I had my family figured out; a happy family who I felt loved and respected me and would always be there for me but little did I know that it was all just a figment of my own imagination. I finally realised how much my family detested the man I had become and how everyone silently wished I could disappear and never come back. I had suddenly become the embarrassment no one wanted hanging around. The constant thought of being viewed as a failure had left my heart severely heartbroken as a father to my children and husband to my wife. I gave my children all the love a father can give; i cared for their well-being, I personally picked my kids up from school. Despite my financial hardship, I still pushed hard to give my family the best even when the best is almost impossible to come by but this is not  what i hope to discuss here. My aim is to talk about how my family got rid of me in such a cruel way, ways I never expected they would.
On that fateful day, we have been invited on a wedding, something in me was telling me not to attend the wedding but I ignored the inner voice and went ahead anyways. "I really don't feel like going, they do not even offer alcoholic drinks." I said to myself. "Daddy, it is just a wedding, you just have to be happy for the couples" My little girl said, noticing how unease I looked. My oldest son stared at me and I could swear in his eyes, I saw a son that would not hesitate to strangle his father if given a chance, I have suddenly become the devil himself.
As young as my last born child  was, I felt she had the thinking of an adult even though she was just 10 years old. Whenever she sees the bottle lying on the ground, she would pick them up and hide because she knew it would make mother cry, she knew it would stir up more hate and eventually leave everyone heartbroken. I always feel my daughter understands me far more than my wife does.
I had told my wife so many times that alcohol had become the only way i can forget all my problems. Depressed as I felt, alcohol had suddenly become my only friend, my only family and my only love - a means to forget all the problems in my life. My frustration and past horror disappears from my mind only with company of  alcohol-my one true love and helper. No matter how hard I tried to explain to my wife that my situation was getting out of hand, she would simply ignore me and accuse me of only hurting myself and not the family. "There is nothing to be worried about. We all are in good conditions, you only hurt and embarrass yourself. You are the only one who needs help" She always said.  But i was never able to withstand her say such to me and each time I would try to change the topic or simply ignore her. Somehow I felt like I was suddenly swaying between love and hate. Its not like a love-hate relationship, It is something more different than that, yet I cannot seem to pinpoint what exactly it is. I cannot seem to explain if my family truly love me or if they just show me little love sometimes out of pity. 
I wished things were different, I wished they had always been there for me, to pull me out when I was still slowly self destructing  but all i got was criticism and disgust.
Few minutes into the wedding reception, I had suddenly gotten so tired of the place, it had become a horror for me because there was no alcohol around.  My family noticed how uneasy I was getting. I noticed how my wife and children stared at me in utter shame, the look on their face was heartbreaking when they saw me turning around towards a big plant placed on the corner to take my little bottle of alcohol out of the jacket. I went everywhere with that bottle of alcohol.
 On our way home from the wedding, my wife once again started with her nagging and insult. I felt ashamed how she would insult and shout at me in front of the kids. "How dare you to behave like a kid?" She shouted at me. "Your kids are really ashamed of your behaviour. How could you push the groom away like that? You are wicked" She added as she wiped a tear off her cheek. "Come on, I told the couples, we were just having fun and even the groom seemed to be have enjoyed it" I replied. As the talk became intense, my younger son interrupted our discussion, he was just 13 years of age. He told me I was wrong and I embarrassed the family and spoilt the wedding ceremony.On hearing that, I became furious at him for daring to advice me but since I was driving, I simply ignored him and focus on my driving even though I was a bit drunk at the time. After the drama that ensued in the car, we finally got home and everyone went to their room without uttering a word.
The next day, I made breakfast for the family although its been very long I made them breakfast- I had lost the passion of being a caring father. I made my children's favourite meal, and as they all woke up to the aroma of the dish, everyone was surprised that I made breakfast. We all ate the breakfast in silence. For once in a long time, I felt I was becoming a better father and reclaiming my position in the house."Is that cheese?" Jenny suddenly asked, breaking the silence. She looked at her mom and then looked again on her plate. My wife immediately pushed the plate away. "Are you trying to kill her? You know she is allergic to cheese" Jenny's mother screamed at me. "Did you forget that or are you drunk this morning?" She added. I was only trying to be a better father again but then it seems my wife always have a way of ruining everything. 
Sometimes I feel she enjoys seeing our family in ruins. I sighed after she was done nagging and some seconds later,  I hit on the table as hard as i could, my hand got numb and that scared little jenny who started sobbing. Our family breakfast had suddenly turned into another nightmare."Do you think I have not noticed how much you despise me and turn my kids against me? You constantly blame me even when my aim is to help, you disrespect me in front of my kids and make them also to follow what you do?" I said angrily. "To hell with you, next time you can cook for yourself" I added as I picked up the car key and left the house. With my mind filled with thoughts and annoyance, I drove on the road without much attention to my driving. 
Suddenly everything went blank and when I woke up, I found myself in the hospital. 
At the hospital, I felt cold inside, deep down I thought I was dying and this brought back many thoughts. I was disappointed in the man I had become; relying on alcohol as a means to forget all my problem. I was never this way and maybe, just maybe it was part of the reason my family hated me but I expected more from them, I expected that the would at least stand by me as we all pull through this trying time together.I laid quietly on my bed hoping and praying that if only I would be given a second chance, I would write all my wrongs, right. 
As I remain embedded in my thoughts, my wife came in with the doctor. He explained my current situation and said the accident had left me  brain dead. He asked her if i can be a donor. I might have looked dead but I could swear I had all their conversation clearly. My wife had given him the consent and at that point I realised how much she wanted me gone. Deep down I felt like screaming loud, I felt like shouting for the whole world to hear my cry, for them to hear my pain but the tube inside my throat hindered me from speaking. I just laid there helpless and all I could do was blinking, but it was not enough to stop the horror that had befallen m

Publication Date: 03-08-2016

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