the 2 relationship, natalie grace [digital e reader TXT] 📗

I most definitely have changed as a partner a great deal over the years. The young 14 year old I was when I had my first relationship was literally crazy loll it was also his first relationship. I was very passionate, loyal and an all or nothing type of girlfriend right from the very beginning. I was a virgin during the entire relationship which lasted until right before I turned 18. However, we explored our sexuality together and there were many firsts.

Two issues that were born in my first relationship were jealousy and insecurity. These I have battled with throughout my life in relationships, over the years improving with maturity. However, with S I admit I was an absolute nightmare. I couldn’t handle S having contact with another girl, I got jealous about absolutely everything and was almost always irrational. An example of how irrational I could be was my jealousy surrounding music videos with girls dressed provocatively. The thought of him watching these drove me absolutely crazy, pushing me into fits of rage. My anger was out of control when I was like this. I would never physically touch him but I do have a very harsh tongue and have said some horrendous things in this state. I know now looking back, I was controlling and abusive which is not something I am proud of at all.

I think the craziest thing about that relationship has to be how unaware I was of my behaviour. I could not control it in the slightest, it was like a hiccup. The feeling right before you hiccup, you literally can’t avoid it and it eventually takes over. I felt this way about jealousy. No matter how much I wanted to avoid it, it started with a tiny voice in my head sparking the match. The more I tried to ignore it the more persistent it would get. Eventually I would give it a voice and it almost always got worse before it got better.

I am more than aware now that this was completely unhealthy but at the time I thought it was love. S was definitely my first love and I adored him to his bones. Back then I would have taken a bullet for him, he meant everything to me. We spent all our time together, we were inseparable. I trusted him, told him everything and likewise. We supported each other in all aspects of life, from education to family. We were fun together around the right people.

Towards the end, I don’t know what made me cheat; did I get bored with the security? Did we just grow apart? I think it was a bit of both but what I do know is that I broke his heart. I was a cold ruthless bitch and told him id cheated without an inch of sympathy or empathy. I was glad to be rid of him. It makes me really sad to look back at that stupid girl that made stupid decisions, I want to slap her! He was a good guy and I fucked it up. I would be lying if I said a tiny part of me doesn’t regret it. I would be lying if I said I haven’t wondered where we would be now.

A few years ago, I spoke to him via email and he basically told me I destroyed him. It really touched a nerve I didn’t know I had for him at the time. I apologised to him more than once about everything but the feeling didn’t go away. I think to be honest that exact point was probably the first time I identified my behaviour in that relationship for what it actually was. He may be gone but that knowledge will always stay with me.

After that relationship I went through a very dark period in my life (will write a separate post for that). I lost my virginity at the age of 18 to the guy I cheated with on S. K was quite a few years older than me, more experienced and knew exactly what he was doing. Losing my virginity to him is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I wish I had lost it to S in the security and love of our first relationship, it would have meant so much more looking back now. The string of encounters with K (wouldn’t really class it a relationship) lasted around 6 months. It wasn’t a horrible period of time, he was nice to me. I just didn’t get him and I don’t think he really cared to get to know me. I do remember asking him questions but never really getting anything meaningful. Looking back I am under no illusion what I meant to him.

As a person I need much more than physical/sexual contact in a relationship which is why as soon as I got bored, I cut him off…

The first time I set eyes on Monkey I was 18, out with friends, sitting in a cafe. If you have read my other posts you will know that my life changed massively at this age and it was probably the hardest years I have ever lived until date. Looking back now I can honestly say I wouldn’t have made it through without him.

I was immediately attracted to him. It is strange thinking back to that moment because it was an attraction different to any other I have ever felt in my life. It wasn’t necessarily because of the way he looked although I did think he was cute. It was his energy. I’m smiling to myself picturing him as he looked to me when I first saw him. Young, naughty, a rebel who had another girl sitting on his lap as he smoked a cigarette.

I leant over to my best friend and whispered in her ear “who is that?” She told me his name and that he was soon starting my college, he was an academic year below me but only 8 months younger than me. I wanted to know more.

A short few days after I first saw him, the same group took a trip to a theme park. Looking back to that day I believe he felt the same attraction and magnetism as I felt towards him. He randomly came and stood next to me, never having said a word to me before that point, he put his arm on my shoulder, looked into my eyes and started singing me a song loll I’m laughing out loud as I write this. But honestly he had an amazing voice and I was smitten..

We exchanged numbers and from that moment we were practically inseparable. The bond I had with monkey is a once in a lifetime kind of bond. I never had before that point and I doubt I ever will again experience that deep a connection. The first time we spoke over the phone, I had this strange feeling that I had known him for years. The conversation flowed for about 4 hours straight!!

Shortly after this we started dating; I was infatuated by him in the short 2 months that we dated. We spent every single day together and grew very close. Then he cheated on me.. I wasn’t surprised because I knew when I met him that he was a real ladies man. It hurt but I had so much already going on in my life, my heart was already broken long before he did that to me. I remember slapping him in the face when he told me. That slap is the first and last time I ever hit a partner. It wasn’t just because he cheated; it was that he could do that to me already knowing I was broken.

The thing is about Monkey, I don’t think he realised at that point that I’m not like other girls. I have grown up with three brothers, two who are almost insane. As the only girl I have had to fight, be strong and survive from the very beginning. I am anything but delicate. So naturally, he hurt me; I cut him off clean cut.

He didn’t chase me. A short time later I met somebody else (Shad). But monkey and I eventually became friends. The bond we had built became one of the strongest friendships I have ever had. We did everything together. We were crazy together in the years that followed. We did drugs, broke into random public areas and places to chill and smoke weed. Drank ourselves into oblivion and snorted coke on occasion. We talked at length, cried together and shared everything in depth. He was my best friend. In a crowd together we were the life of the party and an energy that everyone around us recognised. In that period of my life, I needed him, he helped me survive.

A few memories come to mind… We had driven up to the woods to smoke a few joints. It was around sunset so although it wasn’t pitch black night it was slowly getting dark. We walked along a path with trees on our left and a large open field on our right. We were buzzing and smoking as we walked when he decided to tell me about ghosts dwelling in open spaces, especially at this time of day. I remember looking into the field thinking “shit!” I turned to look to my left to say “shut up your freaking me out” when the words froze in my mouth. He was gone! I stood froze to the spot, heart thumping, shouting “where have you gone, you bloody idiot!” when suddenly he grabbed me from behind. It’s amazing that I didn’t have a heart attack, pee myself or pass out. He found the look on my face extremely funny as I started chasing him screaming obscenities loll

Another time, we alongside a few friends jumped over a fence into the grounds of an education centre. We went around the back of the building and found a separate smaller building, no bigger than two rooms, with a boarded up door and window. As we sat on a nearby cement step smoking a joint we got curious. We decided to pull off the boards and see what was inside. Behind the biggest board was an unlocked door that let us into a small room with mirrors and a few sinks. Further in, we found the other room consisted of a line of toilet cubicles. It was all rather eerie and it looked like it had been shut off for many years. We messed around in there, laughing and hysterically high, taking silly pictures. I remember the following day as I went through the pictures, there was one in particular that we laughed about for days. I had snapped it of monkey and my female best friend when I screamed “pretend you’re ghosts” and she threw her hair in front of her face and monkey bent backwards