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my head and hid behind my binder. “Are you listening?” asks Amber looking at me. “Mr Blake just winked at me!” I yell/whisper low enough for him not to hear. She shrugged her shoulders “So? he does that it's a hi gesture”

“I was staring at him and biting my lip!” her eyes widened “Well it's not a terrible thing I mean he is kinda cute”

“Your not helping!” I covered my face with my hands. Amber giggled. The bell rang and I was the first one out of my seat. “Amanda could you come here please” I sucked in my cheeks giving Amber a help me look. She smiled “Not like he’ll kill you. That's probably why he wants you to do track do he can see you in some booty shorts” I kicked at her and she jumped skipping out of the room. I groaned and turned walking to his desk. “ I took your advice on cheer” I say starting the conversation so I wouldn't feel more awkward. He raised his eyebrows. “ I know. I was talking to Mrs Kemp she said you took her offer to be cheer captain. Dont think that went well with Stacy”

“She had a temper tantrum! She's so spoiled with her prada bag. Sometimes I expect the head of a chihuahua to peek out” he chuckled. “Right. Um Amanda Im staying after school today. I know this might seem awkward coming from a teacher but I'd I wondered if you would keep me company” Totally not awkward coming from a teacher you sick perv but your also like hot! I cleared my voice “Sure” the word slipped out and I felt totally bad for saying it. He smiled a friendly teacher smile. “Great. I'll see you after school” I nodded I turned and walked out of the room. What so I actually do it or I skip? What if he gives me like an F? Is he hinting to something I'm not getting? Isn’t it like inappropriate to ask your your students to stay with you after school for “company” and even if it was why me? I don't know him. I sighed and walked into Paris class who was standing in front of an empty canvas. I wondered if I should talk to Paris but I felt like I needed Sara. the whole day was off. Amber of course freaked hopping up and down but finally gave me her actually doubts. I hadn't seen Isabell for the whole day and I felt like I should apologize. By the end of the day Amber wished me luck and I really wished she didn't. “Call me when you get home!” she yells running. I grabbed my bag out of my locker and walked to Mrs Ports room. Mr Blake wasn't in the room. I dropped my bag on the tablet that I was at this morning and sat on it. I swung my legs and checked my phone. 2:34 PM no messages. I sighed and felt like I was going to have a heart attack as the door opened. “Hey, I was wondering have you seen Nick?”  he asks. I shrugged “I haven't seen him since the beach party...Why?”

“I dont know you guys look like friends” he leaned against his desk tossing his keys next to his cup. “I can't get a hold of him or his Uncle”

“Uncle?” I ask. “Yea his parents died when he was little..car crash” he tilted his head as I crossed my legs. “I didn't know” he walked up to me and I leaned back. “What are you doing?” he shrugged “I can't stand next to you?”

“You can but your creeping me out” He grabbed my hand and I didn't pull back. “Well Amanda you're the one that's come to my room”

“It's not your room and you invited me” I say with a glare. He smiled “I admit I'm attracted to you but would you believe me if I said I've never met a girl like you?”

“No” I say ripping my hand away from his. He sighed. “You stir up feelings”

“Your insane”

“Try obsessed” he grabbed my chin and kissed me hard but then soft. I turn my head but he just kisses my neck. “There are 200 more girls in this school choose Stacy” he looks at me. “Stacy...no thanks besides I like my job here”

“I dont think youll have it long” he pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed me again. “What are you gonna say? Sexual assault? Funny how your not stopping me”

“Well now I am” I turned and pushed myself off the table when he grabbed my hair pulling me back.”Ah! let go of me!” he pushed me against the table. “I'm not hurting you ok? Just behave for me” I looked away from him. Here I fucking am again looking away from a man that looks me up and down trying to control me. “Get undressed” he whispers. I look at him “I have to go I forgot to call Sara” he frowned at me. “I want your shirt and your pants off before I take them off myself” I took my shirt off slowly weighing my options. Not like I can fight him he's much bigger then I am and it won't end well this has to be a camera in here though. “Hurry up” I roll my eyes as I kick my pants off. I fully regret wearing blue lace matching bra and underwear. I stood awkwardly as he eye raped me. “Look I'm not looking to sleep with ANY one” I growl. “Who said anything about that” he pulled me two him and ran his hands down my back. “On your knees..” my eyes widened  I grabbed his face and kissed him. I'll do anything except that I can't go through with it I can deal with the touching and the kissing but I'll kill myself before I do anything else. He lifted me up and I warpped my legs around his waist. He slammed me against the wall and I winced letting out a groan. “Try and be quiet” he smirks. He went for my underwear and I kicked his knee. “Dont! You better fucking behave or I'll bring Amber in here next you and I both no she's not as strong as you are” I shook my head. Of course I wouldnt for Amber but its not fair! He’s bluffing. “You wouldn't touch her! She's not as weak as you make her out to be” he slid his hand down my underwear and squeezed my ass “Maybe not but who says you're not, you know weak” I looked away. I hated him I, I hated myself and I hated everyone. I told myself so many times all I have to say is no. that's what every fucking person saying yet here I am again in front of a man being threatened again. I head butted him and he dropped me. I hit the floor and went to sit up, to run but he kicked me in the stomach. I clutched my stomach crying. I was good at holding in my tears but this time I couldn't help it. “Get up!” I heard the rattle of a belt then the sound of a zipper. as he shoved me on to my stomach he pulled down my underwear pushing my face into the floor he shoved himself in me and again I wanted to die.

As I walked to my car I cried. I didn't sob. But I cried. My hips were sore my knees were numb and I was cold. I had random texts from Amber and two missed calls from Sara. As I drove. I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to go anywhere I just wanted to lay in a hole and sleep. Once I got to Saras her truck wasn't even in the driveway. After a shower, Under the covers with a bowl of icecream I looked at Ambers text.

 

Amber:  So how's it going? 2:55pm

 

Amber: Isabell won't text me back anymore ): 3:00pm

 

Amber: Amanda text me back before I call Sara! 4:58pm

 

Amber: IM CALLING SARA! 5:46pm

 

Me: Sorry Amber I left my phone in my bag which was in my locker. It was fine actually I just did some homework and sketched. Im home now but Im eating dinner see you tomorrow.  8:34pm

 

When Sara came home she knocked on my door before walking in.

“What's going on?” she asks looking around my room. “The dead bodys under my bed” I say. It was a joke but she still looked under the bed before sitting on it. “Amber called me-Yea.. and I texted her saying I left my phone in my bag which was in my locker” I interrupt. I had to  make this excuse calm as I could. Saras no fool. She sighed. “I know but you know what time it is?” I nodded. “Yes I know. I Just did some homework and sketched as he did what ever work he was doing” she stared at me and I felt like I was going to puke. “Amanda I want you to know you can talk to me..” I sighed. Why does everyone say that so much? You can trust me you can talk to me but you try and talk to them and the next thing you know your on the street or all of a sudden a slut. “Nothing….” I shut my mouth. Nothing happened. I've said those two words more than 100 times. They felt so old, so used. I wanted to smile but I couldn't. “Nothing happened I promise”

She stared at me. “Whatever you say” she kissed my head and left. And deep down I knew I hadn't just fooled her that easily, not my grandmother.

The next morning when third period came I felt nauseous. Amanda Carter doesn't feel nauseous. She's not weak. But maybe I just am.

“You seem pretty quiet today. Dont worry I saw Nick yesterday at the grocery store. He said he’ll be here at lunch” says Amber her voice full of positivity. I nodded. “Right..” I knew I should be happy but what can I say? He left and now things are just..awkward. A girl Annie said were having another study hall. “Thank god I dont want P.E and I need to do homework” she glanced at me and I felt like she'd been doing it a lot today. We were both quiet as we walked to Mrs Ports room.  Amber insisted that we sit in the same spots from yesterday and I didn't complain. I laid my head on my arms and ignored everyone. Even Amber. Once the bell rung I held my breath. “Mrs Carter can I see you please” My heart thumped and my head felt suddenly heavy. Amber grabbed her stuff. “I'll see you after fourth” she says turning. I watched her leave and again I felt that feeling. Alone. “Close the door” he says glancing up this time. I did. “You'll come here after school again” he says standing. “I can't, I have Cheer practice” he stared at me. “After cheer you will come here”

“Is that such a good idea? Saras already suspicious and I know for a fact you dont want to deal with her” I stared right back at him and this made him smile. He lifted my chin. “I wondered where your sense of confidence had gone. It's simple you'll just skip practice” I sgh. “I cant” he stared at me. I stepped on my tiptoes and kissed him. He hugged me close to him and kissed me harder. I'm even more confused than I was yesterday. This is wrong so everyone says. But I dont hate it, I've missed this touch but that's even worse because no kid should be used to “This”

Then there's everyone to call me a slut and god knows I've been called that

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