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Ushering in the Messianic Age

Atheists lick lips as clock ticks down on monotheistic time bomb.

The difference between Christians and Jews is roughly 3750 years.

As Christians go about their business in the year 2018, Jews are counting down the clock on the year 5778 at exactly the same time. Though they live together and interact on a daily basis, these two proponents of the one God are nevertheless occupying entirely separated historical epochs, causing a perpetual butting of the metaphorical calf's and lamb's heads.

As a thousand human years on the calendar equates to one day in God time, and as Sunday is the first day of the week, being the year 5778, in God time it's currently a Friday night and He's just gearing up to take control of history's reins and drive the human vessel through the final, high-stakes leg of the process of eschatological history-building that the project sets out to accomplish tomorrow.  

While people all around the world take a collective breather and prepare to usher in the messianic age, 

onlookers in atheist camps are licking their lips and raising their right hands high above naked Bibles in anticipation of rubber-stamping religion as 'wrong' for good. 

Asked if they were nervous at the potential embarrassment that would inevitably accompany such an unambiguous historical blunder, a spokesperson from the creationist camp said yesterday, "We have an unassailable lead. The historical pressures leading to the future messiah passed critical mass centuries ago. It can't not happen. And if it does, civilization will have collapsed so catastrophically that no one will be around to see it anyway." 

In reaction to this clearing of the air, media outlets are getting their narratives in order, and scribes are sharpening their pens in preparation of chronicling the action. 

 

 

Increased Emotional Sensitivity Among ‘Gen Z’ Triggers Fears of a Generation of Persecution Victims

 

It may be that in coming generations, the lashes of the tongue will induce as much trauma as those of the whip.

Now that Gen Y has blossomed and seen the sun, can the ribbon on Gen Z be officially cut? What will Gen Z, representing the 'final act' of a triage of generations beginning with Gen X, bring to the table? And what can we expect to happen when the alphabet is finally complete?

New Age seers forecast a generation of indigo people to become readily apparent by the year 2012. It was predicted that the main difference between indigo people and their predecessors was their increased emotional sensitivity, bringing  with it a greater threshold to pain together with greater pain articulation. This coincided with rising awareness to the effects of intergenerational trauma among diaspora populations around the world.

In order to adjust legal standards to accurately delineate the degree of suffering caused, victims of sustained emotional abuse at the hands of co-workers and colleagues at workplaces and businesses may soon be classified as persecution victims.

While the actions of an emotionally abusive partner, peer group or workplace may appear to pale in comparison to the kind of sustained intimidation we generally think of when considering the term 'persecution,' due to the anticipated increased emotional sensitivity of coming generations, the suffering may be just as intense.

'Tragedies occur daily when people self-sacrifice due to the ongoing emotionally abusive tactics of narcissistic workmates and colleagues.'

These episodes of trauma epigenetically impress themselves upon a person's genes and are passed on, causing the maladjustment of future generations.

 

The Goldilocks Zone: A Movable Feast

 Oil magnate slams allocation of tax-payer's dollars on Mars terraforming, says, 'NASA's porridge too cold.'

The element most needed for life as we know it to exist is H2o. The conditions for it to occur, however, are exceedingly rare, as water only turns to liquid within a thin range of the temperature spectrum known as 'Goldilocks' zone.'

 

 

It may appear fortunate to live on a planet within Goldilocks' zone, but looks can be deceiving, as it's necessarily the case that every solar system must have one planet, nearer or farther from the sun, which is in the range of temperature where water becomes liquid.

As the sun began life in coolness and increased in hotness as it grew, Mercury was the first to bask in the temperate comfort of Goldilocks' zone, presumably developing microscopic forms of life as it did so. When Mercury got too hot, this life may have migrated over to Venus in pursuit of a warm breakfast.

 

 

Scientists agree that in the future, the sun will swell out to an enormous size, engulfing the inner planets and causing Goldilocks' zone to expand outward to encompass the moons of Jupiter and Saturn, rendering them habitable to the descendants of humankind.

"These martian terraformation funds are ludicrous," said oil magnate Jon Dough in a scathing attack on community radio yesterday. "By the time they get the technology right, Goldilocks' zone will already be there and the porridge will be 'just right.'"

 

 

Elizabeth II: Gateway to Eternal Life

 "She's not who she say's she is!" Historians convene in London to rewrite history

Historians have gathered in London to 'get the story straight' in what is expected to be a revolutionary change to the way humans understand history. This comes following the revelation by Queen Elizabeth II that she and Queen Elizabeth I are in fact one and the same person.

"There are certain historical figures," said one historian, "Who connect to one another in terms of their historical continuity.  This will open the gates to a whole new chronological timeline in terms of the way we understand the historical narrative as a whole."

After a prophetic dream had by Queen Elizabeth II in Bucking Palace on Saturday night was shared by esoteric masters around the globe, the media were alerted. When asked to disclose the contents of the dream, the Queen remarked, "Suffice it to say that I'm not a real person. I'm here to to provide structure to history."

Religious figures have expanded upon this statement, claiming that it is possible for any person to walk in another person's shoes. "Ultimately, we are all one great soul, viewing itself from many perspectives."

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Publication Date: 04-15-2019

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