Garry Potter And The Same Old Nonsense, David Backhim [the mitten read aloud txt] 📗

Party in the mid-1990s and helping themselves to the Tories’ wardrobe has enabled the Blairite Labour Party to pose in such right-of-centre clobber as ‘tough on crime’ and less tolerant of immigration, not to mention a vigorous prosecution of American foreign policy, waging war on anyone remotely associated with international terrorism.
Consequently, Tony Blair stormed to an overwhelming endorsement at the general elections of 1997, 2001, and 2005, while ironically he progressively became less popular within his own political party. The ‘rabbit caught in headlights’ Conservative Party has therefore been obliged to contest the last two of these elections on a ticket even further to the right of New Labour. The trouble was that the Tories, in their quest to establish clear-blue water between them and New Labour, effectively became a thoroughly unelectable, thinking man’s British National Party.
Learning from the debacles of 2001 and 2005, the ‘new improved flavour’, reconstructed Conservative Party under the leadership of former Etonian and ‘man of the people’, David Cameron, is almost a throwback to the left-of-centre ‘wets’ of the Heath administration of the early 1970s. You have to feel some sympathy with the Tories. They have been so hopelessly outflanked by New Labour that they have been denuded of all their traditional clothes that they don’t even have a union jack left to wrap around themselves.
Tony Blair may have the appearance of a sanctimonious vicar who misled his country into the Vietnam of Iraq, but to be fair to Tory Blair, he is an accomplished parliamentary performer who has presided over momentous peace initiatives in the formerly insoluble ‘Irish question’ that tormented the likes of Gladstone, Lloyd George, Heath, Thatcher, and Major.

TONY BLAIR AND WORLD SUMMITS
It must be very awkward and embarrassing for the British Prime Minister when in conversation with the likes of the President of the USA . Imagine the following: “Well Mr.President, how’s things in the USA these days?” “Yo Blair, we are pioneering new medical research and leading the world in scientific and technological discoveries. So, Blair, how’s things in Britain ?” “Er, well, we are leading the world in darts and snooker.”
Dear oh dear oh dear. This once great sceptred isle of ours with its’ historic triumphs at Agincourt, Blenheim, Trafalgar, Waterloo , and Rorke’s Drift to name but a few. Nowadays, our bragging rights are confined to a couple of blokes rowing fast up and down a river, or cycling very fast round a track. How the once-mighty British Empire has fallen.

ENGLISH-NESS
I think that it was that nice Napoleon Bonaparte who once dismissively described the English/British as a nation of shop-keepers. That flattering portrait can now be replaced by a thoroughly modern interpretation. The English nowadays can be defined as a nation of quarter-finalists. If there were a Third World War, I am supremely confident that England/Britain would be defeated narrowly and gallantly at the quarter-finals stage.

ENGLAND WILL WIN THE NEXT FOOTBALL WORLD CUP
When England toiled recently in Germany against the mighty Paraguay, the supremely talented Trinidad And Tobago and against the awesome Costa Rica , we were informed that the poor dears could not cope with the heat. Only weeks before, we were all assured that England were champions-elect, yet it now appears that any possible England success at the World Cup finals is at the mercy of the temperatures. However, is it not the case that almost every world cup in recent memory, perhaps with the obvious exception of the 1966 world cup in sunny England is played in hot, summery weather? How then do England propose to win a world cup played in hot weather? A recent home humiliation at the hands of Spain was played in freezing February in freezing Manchester , so I would venture to suggest that England cannot play in cold weather either. Perhaps England ’s best chance of future glory in the world cup is if the tournament is played indoors as a five-a-side competition.
I have no doubts whatsoever that England will finally emulate their success of 1966, if the following is realised: penalty kicks are banned, Portugal and Sweden fail to qualify for the World Cup finals, and the following are disqualified during the tournament: Argentina , Brazil , France , Germany , Holland , Italy , and Spain .

EAST EUROPEANS IN BELFAST
I recently found myself asking why so many people were migrating from eastern Europe to sunny Belfast , when it suddenly struck me that they wanted to find somewhere grim that would remind them of a communist country. Oh come on, Belfast people, don’t be so bloody touchy.

HISTORY LESSON
Why do so many people like to escape into the fantasy world of Star Wars, Lord Of The Rings, James Bond, and Harry Potter, whilst neglecting the real world of history? Is it because if we were to look closely at the sadistic Romans, Vikings, Nazis, loyalist terrorists, and Irish republican terrorists, we might see ourselves in the mirror?

IRISH REPUBLICANISM AND POLICING
It would be hugely inaccurate to suggest that Irish republicans don’t care much for justice. However, as a movement allegedly committed to seeking justice for all the people of Ireland, Irish republicans have struggled enormously to come to terms with the need to support the administration of justice in Northern Ireland, and in particular with the obligation to sign up for policing. A quick rummage through the last century would reveal that Irish republicans have always been hostile to policing, be it in the guise of the Royal Irish Constabulary, the ‘B Specials’, the Royal Ulster Constabulary, and even the Police Service of Northern Ireland. The relationship between the Garda Siochana and Irish republicans could hardly be described as particularly cordial either. One could consequently be forgiven for drawing the conclusion that Irish republicans would much prefer a vigilante, wild west state. It is all very well expressing serious reservations about the neutrality of sectarian police forces imposing British law and order in the six counties, but the Irish Republican Army’s own track record at policing its’ own community scarcely suggested the presence of a non-sectarian organisation keen on protecting the civil liberties of the individual or of the promotion of human rights.
Irish republicans like to explain away their own cavalier administration of justice by suggesting that there was a war going on, but surely does this analysis not apply to the British forces? If the Provos felt justified in bravely shooting their (sometimes unarmed) victims from behind in their dirty war, then why should the British forces be expected to treat the conflict as if it were a cricket match, with strict guidelines on fair play. The insurgency of the Irish republicans necessitated counter-insurgency from such shadowy organisations as Special Branch, the SAS, and MI5.
Gerry Adams and the Irish republican leadership are not shy at re-counting their stories of brutal treatment and rough-handling in Castlereagh detention centre and elsewhere, but since when did the Provos win awards for conscientious community policing? While the European Court of Human Rights was pronouncing a guilty verdict on the British administration of justice in Northern Ireland in the 1970s, the policing practised by Irish republicans was considerably worse. ‘Suspects’ seized by the Provos or INLA were not read their rights, were not granted a solicitor, were not afforded a jury trial or right of appeal, and if they were lucky they were merely forced into permanent exile or shot in the knees. The unlucky ones were executed, some of whom were never to be found again and allowed a decent burial. Even dogs get a decent burial, but not victims of IRA ‘policing’. With a track record like that, who are the Irish republicans to complain about injustice and to lecture everyone else about policing?

SMILE: THE GREATEST ALBUM THAT NEVER WAS
In 1964 Brian Wilson, Beach Boys’ singer and songwriter, had a breakdown which resulted in him advising the rest of the group that they should find a replacement for their touring commitments, while Brian would devote his energies to composing new material and working in the recording studio. Initially Glen Campbell was drafted in, before the likeable Bruce Johnston was appointed as Wilson ’s touring substitute.
America ’s answer to the Fab Four entertained audiences worldwide with their simple pop formula based around pretty girls, cars, and surfing (an activity that was actually foreign to them, except drummer Dennis Wilson). Meanwhile, the supremely talented Brian now found the time to stretch the group’s creativity as he sought to surpass The Beatles and the sounds of ace producer Phil Spector. First of all, in response to hearing the ground-breaking album ‘Rubber Soul’(1965), Wilson resolved to reply with an artistic statement of his own. Wilson’s riposte was the incomparably beautiful ‘Pet Sounds’(1966), a record that blended pop harmonies with a wide range of instruments performed by the best session musicians that Brian could assemble. The emotions of hope and despair that represented ‘Pet Sounds’ did not meet with unanimous approval in the American album charts, but critical acclaim on both sides of the Atlantic persuaded Wilson to launch into an even loftier project which, it was anticipated, would blow away all competitors, Beatles included.
Recruiting a young man called Van Dyke Parks to provide the lyrics, Wilson feverishly assembled ideas and songs for his next album which had the working title of ’Dumb Angel’, before evolving into ‘Smile’. The trouble was that as Wilson was scaling his artistic peak, the substances that had stimulated his creativity on ‘Pet Sounds’ were now undermining his progress. Hashish and LSD were beginning to wreck havoc in the mind of an already emotionally fragile individual. Wilson , traumatised by a bullying father, and struggling to sell his new ideas to the rest of the Beach Boys became progressively unbalanced. Consequently, Brian conceived a plethora of plans for ‘Smile’, only to abandon them soon after, including flirtations with health food, the desire to produce an album of sound effects, and also a record devoted to humour. Even Van Dyke Parks, author of ‘far out’ lyrics, was embarrassed by Wilson ’s unhinged, ‘far out’ behaviour.
Then, as Capitol Records and the rest of the pop world rubbed their hands at the imminent release of ‘Smile’, Brian