Garry Potter And The Same Old Nonsense, David Backhim [the mitten read aloud txt] 📗
- Author: David Backhim
Book online «Garry Potter And The Same Old Nonsense, David Backhim [the mitten read aloud txt] 📗». Author David Backhim
Then there was the 1999 and 2007 rugby world cup matches where New Zealand only had to turn up to beat France. Well they did turn up, but they didn’t win. Have you got the picture yet? One could go on and on. There are no such things as nailed-on certainties in gambling, in spite of the misleading advice of expert tipsters, some of whom couldn’t be entrusted to predict the weather in a hot country.
A punt is a risky venture, pure and simple. If the chances are good, the betting odds are a miserly price, so defeating the bookmaker is a task and a half. Incidentally, do not be fooled by the newspaper racing pundits who predict the winner in every single race each day. It is inevitable that the tipster will enjoy several wins out of about 25 or 30 farcical selections. One is then confronted with the racing page headline the next day of ‘champion tipster’s double at Newbury yesterday’. What the newspaper headline fails to record is the ‘expert’s’ losing selections in the other five Newbury races. Then of course, there is the recent invention of ‘virtual racing’, designed presumably for punters who back virtual winners. I’ve never put money on any ‘horse’ in the virtual racing – primarily because I’ve never heard of any of the listed jockeys! Anyhow, here are my racing tips for today:
Sandown, 2.00: Avoid backing anything in this maiden race. Maidens have never won a race before, and so therefore have as much racing credentials as a turtle.
Kempton, 2.15: Steer clear of this contest. It has a field of twenty-two runners. Have you ever tried to locate a needle in a hay stack? Picking a winner in this race is equally straight-forward.
Doncaster, 3.05: One horse is the clear favourite, but its odds are so ridiculously short that you should put your wallet away.
Hexham, 3.45: The runners and riders have to negotiate twenty fences over 3.5 miles. Fences are the great leveller. Even the most accomplished jumper can fall at a fence, so keep your money in your pocket.
Chester, 5.00: An amateur race. Horses nobody has ever heard of ridden by jockeys that no-one has ever heard of – virtual racing in all but name. Definitely an ideal opportunity to waste your money.
Brighton, 5.20: This is regarded as a wide-open race, with no clear favourites, so avoid it like the plague.
POLE-DANCING
In the winter, provided that you are not suffering from German measles, why not pluck up some Dutch courage and bring a little warmth to those Chile nights with a spot of Pole dancing. Furthermore, with Christmas looming, a second income is necessary for those shopping trips to the local Iceland to buy a Turkey, Irish stew, Danish cookies, French fried onions, Spanish wine and some Brazil nuts for those Hungary mouths in your family. So while you’re up to your armpits in elbow Greece in a desperate attempt to buy the in-laws a piece of China for Christmas, why not consider Pole dancing. There is nothing more sensuous and satisfying as jiving the night away with someone from Cracow or Warsaw. Then when you Finnish your work, the boss gives you a nice, big fat Czech in reward for your services and you can then treat yourself to an Indian.
THE NEW ONE POUND SHOP
The following conversation takes place over there between him and me, while she wisely doesn’t want to get involved. I hope you like it.
Me: I’ve just had a brainwave idea for a brilliant new business venture.
Him: Oh no, not again.
Me: What do you mean, “oh no, not again?”
Him: I mean we’ve been here before – with your silly crackpot schemes.
Me: I beg your pardon. When?
Him: What about that time when you opened an American souvenir shop in Teheran?
Me: Oh yes, but apart from that?
Him: What about your great idea of selling sun cream and sunglasses at the Glastonbury Festivals?
Me: Okay, a minor aberration, I concede.
Him: Or the time you tried to sell Bibles on the street market in Karachi?
Me: Oh be fair man. I thought Muslims like Jesus.
Him: They do, I’ll grant you that, but they don’t care much for Moses or Solomon.
Me: Oh alright, clever clogs, but this retail venture is a certain winner.
Him: Go on then and bore me. What is it?
Me: It’s going to be a new one pound shop.
Him: What’s new about that? There are many stores knocking about which sell all items for one pound.
Me: Ah yes, but I won’t be selling my items for £1.
Him: I don’t understand. How can you call it a one pound shop, then?
Me: Well, I am going to be giving one pound change to each and every purchase.
Him: You mean that your items will cost £4 or £9 or £19 and the purchaser will give you a fiver or a tenner or a £20 note, thus ensuring £1 change.
Me: Not necessarily. The item may cost £2.99 and they give me a £20 note, so obviously they will receive £1 change, as stated on the shop sign.
Him: Your mathematics leaves a lot to be desired. What possesses you to think that this idea will work?
Me: Apart from demons, what possesses me is the realisation that shoppers like to know where they stand, and in knowing that each purchase entitles them to one pound, they clearly know exactly where they stand.
Him: It sounds to me pretty much like they will be standing on quicksand.
Me: Ah yes, but at least they will know where they stand.
THE BECKHAMS: MR AND MRS JESUS CHRIST?
Am I alone in being completely staggered by the grand arrival of David and Victoria Beckham in the United States? What exactly have they done to merit such a media-fuelled hysteria? If it had been Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa arriving ensemble, I could just about comprehend it. Instead of which, I am left to ask myself and you the reader precisely what have the Beckhams done – for anybody? No, seriously, tell me….. what have they actually done for the world? Please tell me. I need to know. From what I can gather, she is an average pop singer, with better-than-average looks. She is hardly a pop diva nor a pin-up beauty. David is an excellent footballer but would struggle to be chosen for a World XI.
Therefore, you can possibly understand my irritation when silly old Channel Five now want to annoy us all with ‘David Beckham Soccer USA’ on a regular basis, while ITV in their questionable wisdom screened and then astonishingly repeated documentaries on each of the Beckhams as they prepared to conquer the United States, en route to world domination. It seems that the broadcasting media surrender their integrity to the Beckhams’ megabucks public relations machine and over-nourish us with a junk food helping of Beckhams, Beckhams, and Beckhams for dessert. It is all so nauseating and sickening.
I repeat again in all seriousness, precisely what have the Beckhams contributed to humanity? What is their legacy? Please inform me. Judging by their landing in Californication, one could be forgiven for thinking that Jesus Christ had arrived. Are the Beckhams really the Second Coming, or should we be waiting for another Messiah?
THIS WEEK’S ITV EVENING PROGRAMME HIGHLIGHTS
MONDAY
7.00-7.30: Emmerdale – a murder takes place in the village
7.30-8.00: Coronation Street – a murder occurs on the street
8.00-8.30: Tonight with Trevor ‘I’m really satirical, y’know’ MacDonald, in which would-be comedian Trev puts on his serious hat and investigates the rise of violent crime (on television)
8.30-9.00: Coronation Street – the locals come to terms with this week’s murder
9.00-10.30: Rebus – Rebus investigates a murder
10.30-11.00: The News – including news reports about violence, and probably murder
11.00-12.00: This Is David Pest (who isn’t yet murdered)
12.00-1.00: Celebrity salsa dancing
TUESDAY
7.00-8.00: Emmerdale – the locals come to terms with murder in the village
8.00-9.00: Murder She Wrote – Angela Lansbury has to solve yet another murder
9.00-10.30: Murder City – apparently the detectives are required to investigate an unsolved murder
10.30-11.00: The News – featuring crime stories, including murder
11.00-12.00: This Is David Pest (mercilessly repeated)
12.00-1.00: Celebrity wine-tasting
WEDNESDAY
8.00-9.00: The Bill – another murder occurs in Sun Hill
9.00-10.30: A Touch Of Frost – Frost investigates a murder
10.30-11.00: The News - The Prime Minister answers questions in Parliament about the rise in murder
11.00-12.30: Cracker – Cracker tries to crack the mystery of a murder
12.30-1.30: Celebrity Pass The Parcel
THURSDAY
8.00-9.00: The Bill – the detectives desperately need to solve a murder before the next show starts at 9.
9.00-10.30: Blue Murder
10.30-11.00: The News – more news stories about…..murder
11.00-12.00: The Second Coming – A documentary on the Beckhams’ arrival in the USA
12.00-1.00: Celebrity snakes and ladders
FRIDAY
7.30-8.00: Coronation Street – The Duckworths stay in and watch a murder programme on ITV
9.00-10.30: Taggart – Taggart investigates a murder
10.30-11.00: The News – probably even more murders to report
11.00-12.30: Midsomer Murders – A repeat showing of a murder from a previous series
12.30-1.30: Celebrity bee-keeping
SATURDAY
6.00-7.00: Bear-baiting, presented by Jeremy Kyle
7.00-8.00: X Factor – Several would-be murderers attempt to murder the panel of judges
8.00-9.00: Stars In Their Eyes – Featuring nobodies doing karaoke impersonations of The Police, The Fun Lovin’ Criminals, and their own versions of ‘Smooth Criminal’ and ‘I Fought The Law’
9.00-11.00: Film – Murder On The Orient Express. Hercule Poirot investigates a murder.
11.00-11.15: The News – expect to find one or two items on murder
11.15-12.15: The Second Coming – A chance to see again the Beckhams prepare to conquer the USA
12.15-1.15: Celebrity egg and spoon race
SUNDAY
8.00-9.00: Heartbeat – A murder takes place in Aidensfield, some time in the 1960s
9.00-10.30: Wire In The Blood – more murder
10.30-10.45: The News – featuring a round-up of all the weekend’s murders
10.45-11.45: The South Bank Show – Melvyn Bragg quizzes the ITV programmes scheduler about the absence of comedy and variety on ITV.
SPOILSPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
Is there anything remotely so tiresome as the regular rotation of rubbish that is otherwise known as television awards ceremonies? Amongst others, there is the Baftas, the soap awards, the Brits, the MOBO awards, Oscars, Sports Review of the Year, comedy awards, and other forgettable awards too numerous to mention and too tedious to recall. Take the BBC sports personality of the year ceremony. The award invariably is conferred upon the individual who has made the greatest sporting achievement during the year, which is fair enough, but why then call the award ‘sports personality of the year’? Should it not be re-titled ‘most outstanding achievement of the year’ award. I mean if we were really selecting the sports personality of the year, somebody like Colin Montgomerie would get my vote nearly every time. Perhaps the greatest-ever golfer to never win a major, this colossus at the Ryder Cups is sometimes grumpy and irascible on the golf course and he has been known to let off some steam. Well, bravo Monty,
A punt is a risky venture, pure and simple. If the chances are good, the betting odds are a miserly price, so defeating the bookmaker is a task and a half. Incidentally, do not be fooled by the newspaper racing pundits who predict the winner in every single race each day. It is inevitable that the tipster will enjoy several wins out of about 25 or 30 farcical selections. One is then confronted with the racing page headline the next day of ‘champion tipster’s double at Newbury yesterday’. What the newspaper headline fails to record is the ‘expert’s’ losing selections in the other five Newbury races. Then of course, there is the recent invention of ‘virtual racing’, designed presumably for punters who back virtual winners. I’ve never put money on any ‘horse’ in the virtual racing – primarily because I’ve never heard of any of the listed jockeys! Anyhow, here are my racing tips for today:
Sandown, 2.00: Avoid backing anything in this maiden race. Maidens have never won a race before, and so therefore have as much racing credentials as a turtle.
Kempton, 2.15: Steer clear of this contest. It has a field of twenty-two runners. Have you ever tried to locate a needle in a hay stack? Picking a winner in this race is equally straight-forward.
Doncaster, 3.05: One horse is the clear favourite, but its odds are so ridiculously short that you should put your wallet away.
Hexham, 3.45: The runners and riders have to negotiate twenty fences over 3.5 miles. Fences are the great leveller. Even the most accomplished jumper can fall at a fence, so keep your money in your pocket.
Chester, 5.00: An amateur race. Horses nobody has ever heard of ridden by jockeys that no-one has ever heard of – virtual racing in all but name. Definitely an ideal opportunity to waste your money.
Brighton, 5.20: This is regarded as a wide-open race, with no clear favourites, so avoid it like the plague.
POLE-DANCING
In the winter, provided that you are not suffering from German measles, why not pluck up some Dutch courage and bring a little warmth to those Chile nights with a spot of Pole dancing. Furthermore, with Christmas looming, a second income is necessary for those shopping trips to the local Iceland to buy a Turkey, Irish stew, Danish cookies, French fried onions, Spanish wine and some Brazil nuts for those Hungary mouths in your family. So while you’re up to your armpits in elbow Greece in a desperate attempt to buy the in-laws a piece of China for Christmas, why not consider Pole dancing. There is nothing more sensuous and satisfying as jiving the night away with someone from Cracow or Warsaw. Then when you Finnish your work, the boss gives you a nice, big fat Czech in reward for your services and you can then treat yourself to an Indian.
THE NEW ONE POUND SHOP
The following conversation takes place over there between him and me, while she wisely doesn’t want to get involved. I hope you like it.
Me: I’ve just had a brainwave idea for a brilliant new business venture.
Him: Oh no, not again.
Me: What do you mean, “oh no, not again?”
Him: I mean we’ve been here before – with your silly crackpot schemes.
Me: I beg your pardon. When?
Him: What about that time when you opened an American souvenir shop in Teheran?
Me: Oh yes, but apart from that?
Him: What about your great idea of selling sun cream and sunglasses at the Glastonbury Festivals?
Me: Okay, a minor aberration, I concede.
Him: Or the time you tried to sell Bibles on the street market in Karachi?
Me: Oh be fair man. I thought Muslims like Jesus.
Him: They do, I’ll grant you that, but they don’t care much for Moses or Solomon.
Me: Oh alright, clever clogs, but this retail venture is a certain winner.
Him: Go on then and bore me. What is it?
Me: It’s going to be a new one pound shop.
Him: What’s new about that? There are many stores knocking about which sell all items for one pound.
Me: Ah yes, but I won’t be selling my items for £1.
Him: I don’t understand. How can you call it a one pound shop, then?
Me: Well, I am going to be giving one pound change to each and every purchase.
Him: You mean that your items will cost £4 or £9 or £19 and the purchaser will give you a fiver or a tenner or a £20 note, thus ensuring £1 change.
Me: Not necessarily. The item may cost £2.99 and they give me a £20 note, so obviously they will receive £1 change, as stated on the shop sign.
Him: Your mathematics leaves a lot to be desired. What possesses you to think that this idea will work?
Me: Apart from demons, what possesses me is the realisation that shoppers like to know where they stand, and in knowing that each purchase entitles them to one pound, they clearly know exactly where they stand.
Him: It sounds to me pretty much like they will be standing on quicksand.
Me: Ah yes, but at least they will know where they stand.
THE BECKHAMS: MR AND MRS JESUS CHRIST?
Am I alone in being completely staggered by the grand arrival of David and Victoria Beckham in the United States? What exactly have they done to merit such a media-fuelled hysteria? If it had been Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa arriving ensemble, I could just about comprehend it. Instead of which, I am left to ask myself and you the reader precisely what have the Beckhams done – for anybody? No, seriously, tell me….. what have they actually done for the world? Please tell me. I need to know. From what I can gather, she is an average pop singer, with better-than-average looks. She is hardly a pop diva nor a pin-up beauty. David is an excellent footballer but would struggle to be chosen for a World XI.
Therefore, you can possibly understand my irritation when silly old Channel Five now want to annoy us all with ‘David Beckham Soccer USA’ on a regular basis, while ITV in their questionable wisdom screened and then astonishingly repeated documentaries on each of the Beckhams as they prepared to conquer the United States, en route to world domination. It seems that the broadcasting media surrender their integrity to the Beckhams’ megabucks public relations machine and over-nourish us with a junk food helping of Beckhams, Beckhams, and Beckhams for dessert. It is all so nauseating and sickening.
I repeat again in all seriousness, precisely what have the Beckhams contributed to humanity? What is their legacy? Please inform me. Judging by their landing in Californication, one could be forgiven for thinking that Jesus Christ had arrived. Are the Beckhams really the Second Coming, or should we be waiting for another Messiah?
THIS WEEK’S ITV EVENING PROGRAMME HIGHLIGHTS
MONDAY
7.00-7.30: Emmerdale – a murder takes place in the village
7.30-8.00: Coronation Street – a murder occurs on the street
8.00-8.30: Tonight with Trevor ‘I’m really satirical, y’know’ MacDonald, in which would-be comedian Trev puts on his serious hat and investigates the rise of violent crime (on television)
8.30-9.00: Coronation Street – the locals come to terms with this week’s murder
9.00-10.30: Rebus – Rebus investigates a murder
10.30-11.00: The News – including news reports about violence, and probably murder
11.00-12.00: This Is David Pest (who isn’t yet murdered)
12.00-1.00: Celebrity salsa dancing
TUESDAY
7.00-8.00: Emmerdale – the locals come to terms with murder in the village
8.00-9.00: Murder She Wrote – Angela Lansbury has to solve yet another murder
9.00-10.30: Murder City – apparently the detectives are required to investigate an unsolved murder
10.30-11.00: The News – featuring crime stories, including murder
11.00-12.00: This Is David Pest (mercilessly repeated)
12.00-1.00: Celebrity wine-tasting
WEDNESDAY
8.00-9.00: The Bill – another murder occurs in Sun Hill
9.00-10.30: A Touch Of Frost – Frost investigates a murder
10.30-11.00: The News - The Prime Minister answers questions in Parliament about the rise in murder
11.00-12.30: Cracker – Cracker tries to crack the mystery of a murder
12.30-1.30: Celebrity Pass The Parcel
THURSDAY
8.00-9.00: The Bill – the detectives desperately need to solve a murder before the next show starts at 9.
9.00-10.30: Blue Murder
10.30-11.00: The News – more news stories about…..murder
11.00-12.00: The Second Coming – A documentary on the Beckhams’ arrival in the USA
12.00-1.00: Celebrity snakes and ladders
FRIDAY
7.30-8.00: Coronation Street – The Duckworths stay in and watch a murder programme on ITV
9.00-10.30: Taggart – Taggart investigates a murder
10.30-11.00: The News – probably even more murders to report
11.00-12.30: Midsomer Murders – A repeat showing of a murder from a previous series
12.30-1.30: Celebrity bee-keeping
SATURDAY
6.00-7.00: Bear-baiting, presented by Jeremy Kyle
7.00-8.00: X Factor – Several would-be murderers attempt to murder the panel of judges
8.00-9.00: Stars In Their Eyes – Featuring nobodies doing karaoke impersonations of The Police, The Fun Lovin’ Criminals, and their own versions of ‘Smooth Criminal’ and ‘I Fought The Law’
9.00-11.00: Film – Murder On The Orient Express. Hercule Poirot investigates a murder.
11.00-11.15: The News – expect to find one or two items on murder
11.15-12.15: The Second Coming – A chance to see again the Beckhams prepare to conquer the USA
12.15-1.15: Celebrity egg and spoon race
SUNDAY
8.00-9.00: Heartbeat – A murder takes place in Aidensfield, some time in the 1960s
9.00-10.30: Wire In The Blood – more murder
10.30-10.45: The News – featuring a round-up of all the weekend’s murders
10.45-11.45: The South Bank Show – Melvyn Bragg quizzes the ITV programmes scheduler about the absence of comedy and variety on ITV.
SPOILSPORTS PERSONALITY OF THE YEAR
Is there anything remotely so tiresome as the regular rotation of rubbish that is otherwise known as television awards ceremonies? Amongst others, there is the Baftas, the soap awards, the Brits, the MOBO awards, Oscars, Sports Review of the Year, comedy awards, and other forgettable awards too numerous to mention and too tedious to recall. Take the BBC sports personality of the year ceremony. The award invariably is conferred upon the individual who has made the greatest sporting achievement during the year, which is fair enough, but why then call the award ‘sports personality of the year’? Should it not be re-titled ‘most outstanding achievement of the year’ award. I mean if we were really selecting the sports personality of the year, somebody like Colin Montgomerie would get my vote nearly every time. Perhaps the greatest-ever golfer to never win a major, this colossus at the Ryder Cups is sometimes grumpy and irascible on the golf course and he has been known to let off some steam. Well, bravo Monty,
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