How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #4), DeYtH Banger [ebook reader screen .txt] 📗

Does Not Exist.” Among its arguments: rape happens because “bad people exist,” not because our culture condones it; song lyrics that sexually degrade women do not prove the existence of a “rape culture” in America any more than song lyrics glorifying killers prove the existence of a “murder culture”; slogans such as “we must teach our sons not to rape” disregard the fact that everyone knows rape is illegal and that people also rob and steal despite being taught not to; sometimes, women who regret having drunk sex claim they were too drunk to remember what happened.

The outrage that followed was so strong that the next day, the paper’s editor-in-chief Katherine Krueger penned a column explaining her decision to run the letter. Krueger described Hookstead’s opinions as “morally repugnant,” “offensive,” “horrifically misguided,” “repellent,” “hateful,” “ugly,” and “reprehensible.” She also assured readers that the letter was published “after careful deliberation and debate” with other editors, in order to shine the light of day on such hideous ideas and allow them to be “torn limb from limb.” Indeed, Krueger asserted that the letter itself was evidence that “rape culture is alive, well and thriving on the University of Wisconsin campus.”

In this atmosphere, it’s hardly surprising that a debate held at Brown University (Providence, Rhode Island) in November 2014 between feminist author Jessica Valenti and individualist feminist Wendy McElroy, who is critical of the concept of “rape culture,” drew impassioned protests from students upset that McElroy would be allowed to present her point of view. While the school scheduled an alternative lecture on “the rape culture” in the same time slot and provided a “safe space” counseling session for students traumatized by the debate, many activists were still unhappy that the event was taking place: according to Undergraduate Council of Students president Maahika Srinivasan, it meant “backtracking from the forward direction that we’ve been moving in.”

At least on that occasion, the campus newspaper, The Brown Daily Herald, backed free speech.In April 2015, when Georgetown University College Republicans in Washington, DC invited contrarian feminist author Christina Hoff Sommers — a critic of the concept of “rape culture” — to speak, the campus daily, The Hoya, published an editorial asserting that “[b]y giving Sommers a platform, GUCR has knowingly endorsed a harmful conversation on the serious topic of sexual assault.” According to the editorial, “Rape culture is a system that thrives on silence. Students cannot allow Georgetown’s sexual assault discourse to be subdued by those who would downplay the problem at hand.”

Of course, discourse can hardly be “subdued” by a speaker with a differing viewpoint. But given how much “rape culture” rhetoric relies on misinformation and distortion, it is hardly surprising that its proponents would seek to silence debate. It is all the more imperative for those with a commitment to facts and freedom to challenge this narrative.

 

 

 

How To Never Run Out Of Things To Say In Conversation

 

 

 

You’re talking, conversation is flowing nicely, and you feel like you’re really starting to form a connection with this person…

But what happens when after 10 minutes, that dreaded moment rears it’s head?

 

The awkward silence!

What should you do when you feel like a particular conversational topic has expired?  And how do you never run out of things to say so you keep people engaged and interested?

Well, let’s take a step back to understand the awkward silence…

Who does the awkward silence seem to occur most with: strangers or friends? Undoubtedly, strangers. But why? You’d think there would be so much more interesting ground to cover with strangers. With friends, you know how they feel about the most important topics. You’re left with just random stuff that pops into your head. Yet you still can find yourselves talking for hours in a stream of unrelated randomness. Without any sort of agenda, conversation just flows.

This is exactly the point. When you feel like you’ve run out of things to say with strangers, you haven’t actually run out of things to say. You’ve simply run out of things that have passed your internal filter of “good enough to say to a stranger!”

This is why you can talk for hours nothing with people you know well. Why you can turn a conversation about “nothing” into something you both really cherish. It’s not just because you have common interests. It is because neither of you has a very high threshold for what is “good enough” to say. If something pops into your head, you blurt it out.

This is also why it is much easier to speak to people when you’ve had a few drinks. It’s not that you’ve suddenly become more clever or interesting (sorry to burst your bubble!) It’s that you’ve lowered your inhibitions. You say what comes to your mind without thinking if it is “good enough” to vocalize.

The key here is that you are not anticipating too far ahead. You need to trust yourself to adapt on the fly.  You need to remove the filter.

Here is an example of “removing the filter” to apply in your own life

I was working with a client who was also working with a personal trainer. She recounted a story from the day she met him.

“He asked me, ‘So what’s your story?’ and I was just so taken aback. It’s such a big question. I didn’t even know where to start. So I just mumbled something awkwardly and then got quiet.”

“Well what was going through your head?”

“Nothing.”

“No that’s not true. Something was going through your head. You just didn’t think it was good enough to say. So what was your thought process?”

“I guess, ‘Oh wow this is awkward. I can’t even answer a simple question about my life! Now he probably thinks I am a weirdo…’”

“Great! Use that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean imagine what would have happened if you’d dropped the filter and said that to him. What would it have gone like?”

“Well I suppose I would have said, ‘Oh wow this is awkward. I can’t even answer a simple question about my life! Now you probably think I am a weirdo…”

“And what would he have done?”

“Laughed probably. And clarified his question.”

“Exactly! The point is that what you are thinking is always good enough – at least better than saying nothing because you only want to sound super clever all the time.”

The difficulty for everyone—my client, you, the best conversationalist on the planet—is not in coming up with something to say. It is in getting in touch with your thoughts and trusting yourself enough to simply state them. Will they always paint you as a genius? Certainly not! But by speaking, you’ve given both you and the person with whom you’re speaking a starting point. Now you have some Velcro hooks which either of you can latch onto.

So for example, the other day I was out speaking with a girl at a club. I didn’t have anything to say, but I noticed that she had a very genuine smile whenever she spoke to people. So I told her what was going through my head:

“You know you have such a genuine smile? It makes you look like a first grade teacher.  I feel like I just want you to read me a picture book.”

When you remove the filter, what you say will rarely be brilliant. But it will provide you with enough “hooks” to start to restart conversation.

Note: if you’re absolutely stumped, I find a great way to start or restart a halting conversation is to simply say, “So what’s your story?”

Play “Reminds me of…” to re-spark dying conversation

So once you’ve cleared the filter, the goal is to drive conversation back to something that is fun or fascinating to both of you.

You don’t want to be trapped with just sticking to the literal words at hand. So if we’re talking about the weather today, I shouldn’t be limited to just talking about the weather this week. I want to be able to make conversational leaps.

One of the best tools to do this is, “Reminds me of.”

“Reminds me of” consists of thinking not just linearly (i.e. weather today > weather this week) but in larger leaps (i.e. weather today > gorgeous weather > the vacation I took last year to Costa Rica when it was sunny and then poured on us as we hiked up a mountain.)

“Reminds me of” can also be used to re-spark conversation with someone to whom you’ve already spoken. For instance, last night I was out at a bar with an extended group of friends. I was standing watching a drummer play a solo. We’d already exchanged pleasantries so I didn’t have any questions to ask many of the people. Still, to re-spark conversation, all I had to say was:

“This guy is amazing. He reminds me of Travis Barker from 182.”

Or:

“This club is so cool. It reminds me of a 1920’s speakeasy mixed with a rave.”

Use “reminds me of” in conjunction with the fun and values modes of conversation to rekindle any conversation and move it in a direction that will keep people captivated. It’s also a fantastic tool for connecting with someone with whom you may not have much in common because it allows you to trade stories based on whatever is happening around you.

 

 

 

A Hidden Cause Of Suffering

 

 

I just got back from lunch with my brother.

We haven’t spoken for a while, so we played a lot of catch up. “How’s so-and-so doing?” we asked about a dozen times.

He told me the story of one of those so-and-so’s…

A friend of his who wanted to take his girlfriend out for her birthday. So he set up a nice trip to ski in California.

My brother was under the impression it was an amazing trip. All the Snapchat’s were full of smiles on the slopes and glasses of red wine at fancy restaurants.

When his friend got back, my brother asked about the trip.

His friend replied, “It was so hard man…”

“She nearly made me cry. She couldn’t believe I took her away from home on her birthday. She said it was the worst birthday she ever had.”

 

The friend kept talking and telling how they fight all the time, despite what social media would lead you to believe. My brother asked if they’d break up. And that’s when he got the real kicker:

“Actually we’re planning on moving in together next month.”

When I hear stories like this, one word rings in my head. One word that I believe describes the number one reason for anguish in modern America.

Addiction.

And I don’t just mean addiction to drugs or alcohol, which is how we tend to think of addiction…

I mean the girl so addicted to social validation that she fakes a happier lifestyle than she lives…

I mean the friend so addicted to his relationship that he would rather move in with someone who treats him badly than be alone…

Both of them addicted to a compulsive behavior that THEY KNOW makes them unhappy. Yet they don’t stop.

Can you think of anything in your own life that follows that pattern? Here’s a few examples:

Addiction to status keeping you in a job that you hate Addiction to outrage keeping you watching the news and complaining about it, while taking no action to actually change things Addiction to a relationship keeping you with someone that you know isn’t right for you Addiction to social media keeping you in a constant state of FOMO

 

 

 

 

 

Note: Enough of filtering words in conversation and enough of being nice.... it's time for to be carefree.

 

 

 

Chapter 3 - BE OFFENDED