180° turn in my life, Janine Schmitz [books recommended by bts TXT] 📗

Only his footprints in the sand were my clue. They led along the sea, as if he had trampled a path for me, I just need to follow. He had told me to come here, but still I had nowhere to discover. Him! My brother!

The setting sun bathed everything in a golden light, the sea, the beach, even the rocks. The water sparkled as if it were filled with thousands of tiny diamonds. I was shivering, wearing only shorts and top. Gradually, I was tired; I had lost all sense of time. Since sensed for hours, I trapped in his footsteps following its line, which seemed to lead to nowhere, hoping to find him.

His phone call, on the previous day was a complete surprise. “Come to the beach tomorrow, at 7 pm!" Only this sentence, then he finished the call.
One year ago we had talked together for the last time. I remember, his last words. His voice was serious, tired and sad. I was confused. I thought he was joking or drunk. Whenever I called him back, he never took off and answered…

Back to the beach ... The beach was quite a few kilometres and I had no idea where my brother was waiting for me. But I decided to go and find him. I made myself just worried about him.
I walked and walked, following his footprints, just like a fool. No human soul far and wide, just sometimes a gull in the sky.

A few meters ahead, I saw something lying on the ground. I started to run, I was curious. A little sceptical, I picked up the brown bundle in front of me; it was his jacket, his only jacket. The financial circumstances were too bad to get a second jacket. One year ago, he’d lost his job. He found no job further more. We never had spoken real about it. "You get it" and "Cheer up!", that was all I could say. But how could I comfort him, me, a successful career woman. Maybe I should have think more about him, and call him every week.

I cramped my fingers firmly in the warm, soft cloth and inhaled the typical fragrance of my brother, which was caught in the jacket. Why is it lying around here? Had he lost it? Or leave as a kind of clue for me? Whatever the reason was, I had to find out what happened and what was going on.

I continued my way, always the footprints after. Small waves splashed gently on the beach, cool wind whistled in my ears. In the past, my brother and I were inseparable. But we had grown apart, he went his way and I went my own. Maybe I would have more talk to him.

The beach made a wide right turn and finished in a small cove. Further to the right, where the sand passed into fixed ground, there led a gravel way up to the cliffs, which were more about then twenty feet high. And its tracks were lad to this way. Growing riot filled me. For God's sake what did he want on these cliffs? I started to run.

Where the gravel way began and therefore his footsteps ended, I found one of his favourite cigarette packs. Two years ago he had finally come to his senses and had given up smoking. The reason was simple. He had too much fear of lung cancer, and therefore the following consequences.

I continued to follow the gravel way, which led steeply up. The small stones dug as needles in my thin flip flops. So as if I should be punished for my behaviour…
I came to a fork. From this point a way moved to the right, further into the mainland and there led another way to the left completely the way up to the cliffs. The decision, which way I should go, lost my brother already. A shiver ran down my spine when I squatted down to pick up a ring, that laid on the left way.

It was the wedding ring from my brother… Cruel images built in my mind when I remembered to the car accident, which had killed his wife. I have seen the accident place, the car was completely destroyed. With many speed his wife had hit a tree head-on. My brother had always said that he was over her death. He said that he stood again in the middle of his life. But as I move the ring back and forth between my fingers, I realized that he had never really absorbed with her death. Maybe I would have worry more about him.

Therefore I suggested the left way, which was leading to the top of the cliffs. My heartbeat boomed like bangs in my ears, I felt more than uncomfortable. Each new step was harder than the last.

How often I had seen the phone and thought about a call to my brother, only to discard the thought again? How often I had thought of me just to put in the car and drive to him? But nothing happened…

He never had blamed me. But now I did. I felt like I was the devil in person.

I turned the last little curve, then I stood up high on the cliff and collapsed. My heart was racing, I gasped for breath and tears were blurring my sight.

Front, quite at the front of the cliffs his shoes stood regular parallel.

“There, were you are now, you don’t need your shoes anymore“, I whispered.

I was so shocked that I couldn’t think further. My feet began to move without a thought that I wasted there over. My tears were running down my cheeks. I was definitely shocked. In me I felt a deep emptiness. I was so lightheaded that I had to sit down. I felt guilty, I thought about the things I could have done, but now no longer could do, because of the suicide of my brother. This fact came back into my mind and I started to cry again. What should I do? I didn't know, I kept thinking about, why I had never visited him, and why I had never called him ... However, these thoughts came to me so strange, that I had started to laugh automatic. I wiped the tears away and stood up. I went to the edge of the cliff and looked down into the crystal clear water. It ran a shiver down my spine and I felt being watched. I turned around and walked a piece of the cliff away. I looked around again, but there wasn’t anyone.

I sat down on one of the great rock and thought about my own actually so successful life. But not longer my life seemed so great. I made a decision. I didn’t want to live, if he was no more with me. Once again, I rejected the idea, because it was ill-considered and based only on my guilt. It was crazy and not to perform after. I mean no one would change with his shitty life, but at the moment I wanted this so much, because then he would be still alive. For several years, we hadn’t heard anything from our parents, and he had also lost his wife. No, no one could live with such a burden.

I went back down and saw a piece of a small area on the side of the cliff. Someone was laying there. I ran, ran as fast as I could, when I saw, that it was my brother. He was laying on his stomach. Then in me was a little spark of hope, which flamed up. I turned my brother and was shocked when he moved and my face turned pale.

“Hi Susan! You're finally here; I had been waiting for you.”

I stepped back and looked dumbfounded at him.

“I thought that you were dead,” I said.

“What?!” He stood up and walked towards me. “Why you was thinking, that I was dead?” He looked at me dumbfounded too.

"Down at the beach, I found your jacket, above on the top of the cliff were your shoes left and before the fork was your wedding ring. Is this not indication enough for this? "

“Oh, no, earlier I’ve searched for my jacket, when I was getting cold and while the jacket was not up here, I thought that I left it home. I had arranged the ring from my finger, for the fear of losing him in the water. So I’ve put it in my trouser pocket. I think that it probably felt out of my pocket. I thank you to bring it back to me. Where have you seen my shoes?

"Above. On the top of the cliff. Why?"

"Oh, I’ve forgotten where my shoes are ... It's all of the excitement ..."

"What? … Oh, no matter. But why are you laying here on a small platform in a cliff?"

"I explore the seas with all forms of life and its forces. Similarly, I examine plankton and I just have found at this level, "phytoplankton". “

“Did I have to understand anything?”

…Silence…

"Susan, I got a new job! And next week I will move to my new apartment nearby LA. It’s not far away from you and we can see us every week."

“Oh, that sounds great, I’m happy about it.”

“Yes, now I can say that I stay in the middle of my life, in a new chapter.”

Images: Google, Titelbild
Publication Date: 12-25-2012

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