Excerpts from a book I'll never write, Hannah W [ebook reader wifi .txt] 📗

“You know I think I figured it out.” She said after a long silence. “Figured what out?” I asked never taking my eyes off the never-ending road ahead of us. “Funerals. They don’t suck because they’re funerals and they’re for mourning. It sucks because… Because it means that they’re actually dead and never coming back.” She tried, and failed, to not let her voice crack. I grabbed her hand that was playing with a receipt in the cup holder. “But are they really gone forever?” I thought about her family and how I saw her aunt in every one of them. From her cousins actions to her very own lover-fighter instinct. And that’s when I knew. I knew that we would see her again.

“I don’t hate you because you broke up with me.” Her eyes were betraying her, letting tears fall down her cheeks. I fought myself on wiping them away, but I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to let her go. “I hate you because I really, truly, honestly thought you were going to be my Superman. My rock. I hate you because you convinced and proved me that good things can never actually happen. Just less sucky things.” She clenched and unclenched the book she was holding in front of her. She slowly walked towards me with hurt or betrayal -or even a mix of the two- in her eyes. “I hate you because deep down I know that no matter you do, I will always forgive you for hurting me even though I know you won’t apologize.” She was in front of me with a small hint of hope, that was gone as soon as I saw it, in her eyes.

“You’ve changed. A lot. Why?” He said. His eyes glossing over with tears threatening to push over. “That old me that you knew? She died.” I whipped around to face him. I looked with icy, glaring eyes. “In that car wreck. With my mother. With my father. And the rest with my brother. The baby brother that will never meet my future husband. That will never get to meet his future girlfriends or friends or have any future memories.”  I turned back around catching a glimpse of his wet cheeks. and went towards my car. Away from the wreckage had to my once best friend. Now, I wasn’t sure that he was ever going to forgive me for the things I had. Would I even forgive myself? I didn’t dare turn around to look at him out of fear that tears of my own would push over and prove him that I didn’t mean to be o cold. But it was better this way. Everything was better this way.

“Listen to me.” His voice was weak and his body visibly shook as he coughed from trying to talk loud enough for me to hear. “I’m not going to make it out of here alive.” He turned his head to point at the wreckage of our small town war going on. My cheeks stung from the heat of my tears on my chilled face. “Don’t you talk like that. You’re going to be ok. We-I’m going to get you out of here. To a-a hospital. Anywhere else. I pulled him closer, not believing my own words. “You’re going to be alright.” I pulled him into a hug, staining his ashy blonde hair a dark crimson from his blood from the gunshot wound in his shoulder. “You have to be alright. Please. For me.” I finally gave into the sobs I was trying to hold back from him. Or maybe for me. I didn’t care. I just needed him to be ok. I couldn’t lose him. My best friend for year. “Please. I love you.” I whispered loud enough for him to hear. “I-I love you too.” He punctuated with a fit of coughs. “If you did, then you wouldn’t leave me.” I begged him.  “Please you’re my life. I can’t lose you too” I still couldn’t trust my words. I didn’t care. I just needed him to believe them. “I love you so much. I’ll be watching you.” With that, the light from his eyes vanished. Along with my happiness. “NO!” I screamed into the darkness at the memories. That was two weeks ago. His family buried him a couple days ago. “I’ll be watching you.” The words echoed in my head. If I can’t have him in in this life, I’ll have him in the next one. I thought as I got up and grabbed a random kitchen knife and went back to my bed. I gasped at the pain as I pushed it deeper and deeper into my wrists. I had nothing here for me left. I lost my best- and only- friend and I lost my family when I was 14. I grabbed the pill bottle on my bedtable along with my water and poured a handful of whatever pills they were into my hand. I swallowed them all and chugged the water with a picture of him between my hands and chest. Suddenly it dark and a sudden burst of light as I saw a shadowy figure make its way towards me. “I knew you’d find me.” He said pulling me into a hug.

 "You claim you know me? You don't! You haven't known me in years!" I whispered at him. It was cold for only being 8:30 at night in the middle of winter. I looked down at the picnic table we were sitting at, trying not to let the tears fall. "It's been a while since you've fully known me. Trust me. I've changed. More than you think too." I started picking at the thin layer of ice on the cold metal. He grabbed my sweatshirt sleeves and forced them back so he could grab my hands with his in an attempt to warm them a bit. "I know you more than you think. We have a history you know." He tried to look at me but I refused to catch his eye, my hands still in between his. "I know that you wish you had someone to buy you presents. I know you wish you had someone to give you chocolate and coffee and I know you wish you had someone to pick you up and drive you places instead of you driving yourself everywhere. And I know that you wish you had someone to buy you big, fluffy, oversized sweatshirts." I scoffed at him and shook my head, closing my eyes to fight back the tears. "And I know you wish you had someone to give you hugs everyday and I know you wish you had someone to hold you tight at night and tell you that he loved you. And I know you wish you had someone who knew what you were going through right now. And I know that you know that I wish it was me, but it can't be anymore. We've both been dating after we broke up all those years ago." He was still holding my hands, a little tighter now. I could tell that he wanted to intertwine his hands with mine but wouldn't let himself. Why couldn't I do it then? I know everything he said was true. So why couldn't I let myself admit it? Was it because I didn't want him to know? "You're wrong." I whispered against my own will. I didn't want to. It just came out. I didn't want him to see me so vulnerable to him. "I don't want any of that. I just want someone to be there. To know that I don't mean it when I say that I hate them. I want someone there to know that I may not understand what they're going through or even what they're saying, but to know that I'm here to hear them rant. I want to know that I'm not just here to be here. I want to know I have a purpose." I tried to pull my hands away, but he wouldn't let me. "I also want someone to tell me that it's all just a joke. I want them to tell me that nobody likes me and they all wish that I would just die already so then I can." My tears fell freely, but my voice never faultered. "I also know that you're 100 percent right but I don't want you to know that. Just so then this will be a whole hell of a lot easier." I yanked my hands away and got into my car without looking back, without listening to him yelling my name. I turned on the car and finally let myself look at him, his eyes desperate for me to