Loud Silence, Naty Matos [book recommendations website TXT] 📗

She sat quietly on the floor by the window watching the few rays of sunshine fight their way through the bars. She rocked slowly with her arms wrapped around her legs. No real thoughts were going through her mind, which was actually a blessing. Most of her life she had tried to escape her thoughts, her anxieties, her fears and for the first time in her life, sitting on the floor, she was finally alone without a thought in her head. It was probably a result of the medication which had her feeling a little drowsy. It was difficult to remember what had happened or how she had come to be here, but for the moment she was content to bask in the silence of the moment.
At the sound of the light knocking on the door she jumped up and dove into the bed pretending to be asleep. The woman that entered the door was tall and moderately attractive. She had on thick wide rimmed black glasses a little too big for her face and the long white lab coat which was the attire of most of the doctors on staff here. She grabbed the one chair in the sparsely decorated room and pulled it up next to the bed.
“Joyce.” The woman called her name lightly. She had a musical lilt to her voice that went well with her genuine smile. Joyce opened her eyes at the sound of her voice, feigning grogginess.
“Joyce, my name is Nancy; I’m one of the counselors on staff here. Is it ok if we talk for a little while?” Joyce didn’t utter a word, she just sat up and propped some pillows behind her staring at the woman.
“How are you feeling?” the counselor asked. Joyce again did not respond. “This process is going to be a lot easier if you start talking to me” the woman attempted again. Once again Joyce stared blindly and said nothing. “Well, that’s fine. I can understand being a little uncomfortable. I’ll come back a little later and when you’re ready we’ll talk. We have group counseling in about an hour and it would be great for you to join us.” Joyce stared another moment, then got up and walked to the window with her arms wrapped around herself. “Would you like to go out to the garden? I can arrange that.” Joyce turned to the woman and said slowly, “I’ll talk to you, but I don’t want to be around other people”. The counselor nodded, at least there was progress and it was a fair deal.
“Ok then, why don’t we sit down and talk.”
“I’ll stand”
“Ok, well then I’ll sit.” Nancy sat back down in the chair. “So Joyce, How are you feeling?”
“I’m feeling a little drowsy and confused. I honestly can’t describe to you how I feel right now”
“Do you know why you are here”?
“I’m not sure; everything seems blurry, like a dream”
“Do you remember attacking your father?”
“Is he dead?”
“The last thing I heard is that he’s still in the hospital, but it seems like he’s going to make it.”
Joyce turned desperately towards the counselor, “Where’s Sabrina?”
“Who’s Sabrina? Joyce”?
“My daughter, where’s my baby?”
“I’m sure she’s fine, but I can find out for you”
“I need to see her, make sure that she’s safe”
“Safe from what Joyce? Is Sabrina in some kind of danger?”
Joyce sat back down on the floor again, wrapped her arms around her legs and started rocking back and forth. Nancy tried to talk to Joyce some more, but it was useless, Joyce was gone, retreated back to her inner world and did not respond.
That night as Joyce slept, she dreamt; she heard the voice of a man softly telling saying ‘I Love you.’ The voice didn’t make her feel loved, it made her afraid. In the dream she could feel the man running his hands down her body, she wanted to scream, but couldn’t. She finally woke up screaming. Nurses ran into the room to make sure that she was ok. They sedated her and though Joyce was afraid to go back to sleep the medicine eventually caught up with her and she fell into an uneasy sleep.
While asleep, Joyce started having another nightmare. She saw herself walking down a dark street. A big black shadow grabbed her, she was kicking and screaming but the shadow was stronger than her and wouldn’t let her go. All of the sudden they were in front of a big church. Her clothes changed and she was dressed in black, the shadow dragged her through the stairs, this time there was not the frighten feeling it was defeat. She felt oppressed but unable to fight the shadow. She saw the shadow drag her body thought a red carpet aisle in the middle of the church. They made it to the altar; the shadow tied her body to a marble table at the altar. The shadow pulled out a dagger and pushed it down in the middle of her chest. In the dream she felt herself gasping for air and once again she woke up. This time she merely balled up in her bed crying inconsolably, trying to make as little noise as possible so the nurses would not medicate her again.
The next day, Nancy was back. She entered the room and announced she had news about Sabrina. Joyce jumped up from bed. “Really, how is she?”
“She’s fine. She’s with your husband and your mother, but she’s fine”
“I want to see her”
“I will try to have them bring her over later, how about we talk some more for now.”
Joyce began to retreat again and said tentatively “What do you want to know?”
“What do you remember from the last few days Joyce?”
“I don’t remember much” Joyce paused. She placed her hand over her mouth trying to remember.“My mother invited us over for lunch after church as usual. We made it to her place and I was in the kitchen helping her cook. My husband and my father were watching a game on the television and Sabrina was playing outside with her new puppy…” Joyce was sorting through her memories. She smiled remembering the last part and changed her tone “…See it was Sabrina’s birthday two weeks ago. She just turned six years old. We gave her a puppy as a present and she takes him everywhere, even to church.” Joyce paused again, this time a lot longer. She got up and started pacing in the room. “Sabrina ran inside…” she paused and took a breath “she pulled a book down from the bookshelf and sat on his lap and asked him to read her the book”
“Whose lap Joyce?” The counselor saw that they were getting somewhere.
“Him…I could see them from the door to the kitchen.” she stopped and said abruptly said, “I don’t remember anymore, and then I was here in the bed”.
“Joyce, what went through your mind when you saw Sabrina in his lap?”
Joyce could not talk anymore and the tears began to fall. Nancy sat quietly assessing her while allowing her to calm down. After a few minutes the sobbing had been reduced to sniffling.
“Why don’t we go out to the garden Joyce?” The counselor observed her from a distance as they walked the garden paths around the facility. Eventually Joyce found a bench, sat down and wrapped around her legs rocking back and forth.
Since Joyce arrived at the hospital she had barely eaten anything and it was beginning to take its toll. Nancy anticipating this left her there on the bench for a while, the orderlies watching her. She went down to the cafeteria and grabbed a burger and fries.
“Our food is not the best, but I figured you would enjoy this”
“Thanks”, Joyce grabbed the bag plate and allowed her legs to the floor.
“This is a beautiful garden”
“I have one just like this one”
“Really? Tell me about it”
“Oh, I have a lot of things. I have a big house, with maids, drivers, a nanny and a personal assistant. Can you believe that someone without a job has a personal assistant?” Joyce chuckled.
“Well, you do have a job; you’re a mom and a housewife. Your husband is an important man, so I guess you have tons of things to coordinate”
Joyce face turn sad, “Yes, I guess” she shrugged her shoulders “I never wanted this, any of it.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I never loved my husband. I never even met him until a few months before the wedding. My parents arranged the whole thing. He’s a good man, I just don’t love him. He has given me everything a woman could want and even the things I’ve asked out of spite, but it’s not real”
“Why are you still there?”
“Hmmm, first I’ve never felt like I had the choice and now I have to stay for my daughter”
“That must be hard”. The counselor’s cell phone went off announcing a text message. “Oh, I have good news for you. I have arranged for a family session tomorrow and you get to see your daughter”
“Why are you doing all this? Why do you have such an interest in me?”
“Well, it’s my job to make sure you get better, and honestly Joyce, I understand a lot of what you’re going through, more than you can imagine”
Joyce quickly changed the subject and stared telling the counselor stories about her dinner parties. She took the opportunity to drop the names of famous people she had met through her marriage and the places she had visited. They laughed at some of the stories. Joyce felt strange, she had not laughed in a long time. She had no friends, at least no real ones. She was an only child, so there were no other siblings to share her issues or accomplishments.
That night Joyce went