Casual Escape, Ophelia Lacroix [non fiction books to read .TXT] 📗

clouds. We have a project to do” Burke’s voice is something that often wakes me from my trances of deep thought. It then sinks in that I’ve been wasting the past half hour of the period contemplating death; I’m so pathetic.

“Sorry, I was just thinking.” I say with a mono-tone voice, focusing on the documents at hand. We’re doing a project on Martin Luther King Jr. and what he fully contributed for society. It was the easiest project on the list, and I didn’t want to make Burke have to study for things such as the Spanish Inquisition or the rise of Joseph Stalin.

I notice out of the corner of my eye that Burke is staring at me, and so I slowly look toward him, “What is it? Do you have an idea for something?”

He almost looks... angry, “I want you to cut it out.” He finally spits out, and the words he was about to say honestly shock me, “You’ve been gloomy for the past two months, what’s your problem? You haven’t answered any of my text messages, whenever anyone asks you to come hang out you come up with some bullshit excuse. It’s like the only time I get the time to fucking talk to you is during these dumbass assignments.”

I don’t say a word; I just sit there in silence with that awkward glance to him.

“What is it, Dakota?! Is it the fact I’m banging your sister? If you have such a God-damned problem with it why would you fucking lie and say you didn’t fucking care?” He just keeps going on like a broken record, “Don’t fucking lie to me, because I can fucking tell. You’re a shitty ass liar and you know it. You’ve been lugging yourself along like you’re about to fall over and die for the past two months and quite frankly... I’m worried about you.”

I have no logic in my head at this point, and I just spit back at him, “Why don’t you just worry about what’s important to you, Burke. You say I look like the walking dead? Well then why don’t I just end the walking bit?”

Burke is looking at me with wide eyes, and just says calmly, “Dakota... Did I just hear you right?” his voice sounds broken and out of tune. This breaks my heart; how could I say something so cruel to him.

I look at him with the same amount of surprise that he’s looking at me with, “I’m... Sorry. There’s a lot going on in my head right now, and I really don’t want to take it out on you or drag you into something that you have no business being drug into.”

“Dakota, I want to be. You’re important to me whether you believe me or not, and I would do anything to get you back to normal.” Burke says in a reassuring tone, “Anything.”

“Don’t fill my ears with empty promises. I know one thing you wouldn’t do.” I can’t help myself at this point. The words are pouring out of my mouth like word vomit.

“What would that be?” He asks curiously.

I’m stuck now, there’s no going back from that. I have to fix this; I have to come up with something, “Hang out with me today after school. I don’t feel comfortable talking about this in the middle of a history class.”

With this, Burke simply nods and continues helping me with the project.

This is the day... This is the day I’ll finally be able to face the fact that my heart will implode in my chest. This day... Will quite possibly be the worst day of my life; it’s about time I embrace this feeling, and face it head on.

Trudging through the day, I just spent the time thinking about how I was going to tell him. Was I going to just straight up tell him I was madly in love with him? No, that would be ludicrous. Would I ease into it? No, all that would show is how desperate I am. What was I going to fucking say? I’m so scared... I’m so fucking scared. Perfect timing for the last bell to ring. Marie waiting for me outside of my last class, she was ready to leave and take me with her back to the house.

“Ready to go?” She asks sweetly, with a smile.

I just have my head down, “I’ll be home late today. I’m going to hang out with Burke for a bit today.”

I didn’t get the reaction I thought I was going to receive from her; she had the brightest smile on her face, “I’m so glad! He’s been so worried about you... So have I. Please have fun today.” She smiles and then walks off, heading outside to her car.

I find Burke waiting for me in the commons, “There you are... Where do you want to go?” He asks me.

My limbs feel like jelly even looking at him, and I say with a low volume voice, “Anywhere but here...”

I can feel his gaze upon me, a feeling of worry radiating off of him; and with this we exit the building. We walk down the courtyard, then off of the school’s property. I just walk, and it seems that Burke is leading the way.

We walk in silence for about twenty minutes, and then we approach a park. Rusted swings, warn off paint on the merry-go-round, wood chips a complete mess around the wooden borders. This is the place that he and I would play in as kids... This was our special place. I take a look around, and then sit on my favorite swing, Burke sitting on his next to me. The nostalgia is too much, especially since I’m just about to get myself rejected. I can feel my heart swell inside of my chest, my breaths becoming short. I feel that familiar sting in my eyes, and wetness stream down my cheeks.

Burke notices this, and places his hand on my shoulder, “Please... Tell me what’s wrong. Whatever it is, you don’t need to face this all by yourself...”

The only thing I manage to mutter out of my mouth is, “Don’t touch me... Please... Don’t touch me.”

He quickly retracts his hand, “If there’s anything I did... I’m really sorry. Please don’t hate me, I don’t want to be ex’d out of your life, you’re my best friend and I would do anything...”

I cut him off, “You wouldn’t do anything... Please stop lying to me. You didn’t do anything wrong, this is my entire fault. Every last bit of this is my fault, and I’m letting it take over. I told myself I would never let this come between us... But I have. So I’m the sorry one.” I sniff, and look him dead in the eye. I know what I’m going to say now, “You’ve been my best friend for years. The one person I could turn to about anything. You would never judge me... Never ridicule me. You defend me like no other, and you’re the best person I’ve ever met. You’re an amazing athlete; you do what you love and stand up for what you believe in. Burke you’re... You mean more to me than anyone in this entire universe, and I need you to know that. I would die for you; take a bullet through my brain. I would do absolutely anything to see you smile that... That beautiful, gorgeous smile of yours.”

He says exactly what I had predicted he would say, “You know I would do anything to see your smile too; you’re my best friend, Dakota. Nothing will ever change that.”

The tears start stinging me again, and I try my hardest not to look away from him, “You wouldn’t do anything... and I know that. There’s one single thing... That I know you wouldn’t... Do...” Every word that’s coming out of my mouth is said with heavy breaths, it’s so very difficult to speak about this out loud; even to Burke, “I love you, Burke. The way that I know you’ll never love me... The one thing I need you to do for me... You cannot and will not do...” At this point it’s safe to say I’m sobbing, “And I don’t blame you for it at all in the least...”

The look on his face is utter shock, and he’s just blankly staring at me at this point. I know what he’s going to say to me, but to my surprise he doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me. I can’t take his gaze, and I look down to my lap, wiping the wetness from my cheeks as more progressively enters.

Minutes pass that feel like an eternity, “Dakota.” Burke says with his rock hard, blunt voice; and with this I expect the worst, “This is your choice. I won’t abandon you as your best friend. I understand what it feels like loving someone who doesn’t love you back. I’m here, but only by your choice.” Burke stands up, and starts walking away. I slowly look up, watching him walk away. I knew that this was the end, my heart had indeed, exploded inside of my chest. They say that confessing to your crushes make you feel better, but this is certainly not what I would define as “better.” I want more than anything to yell at him to come back, to stay with me forever; to break up with my sister, to be with me. I want him so badly, I don’t want to let him walk away; but even if I wanted to get him to come back, by now he’s already out of sight.

It hurts... It really, really hurts... I can’t.... I have to do something... It needs to stop.

I sit for about an hour, just holding my head in my hands; sobbing off and on. Eventually I’m able to get up and start walking home.

I have tear stains on my cheeks, and walk inside; lugging myself up those stairs. Just a little bit further... a little further and I can make it stop. I ignore my mother when she asks me where I’ve been, I ignore my sister when she asks me how it went with Burke. I ignore everything that doesn’t involve me locking myself in that bedroom; and I do so. I lock myself away, and sit on my bed holding my head in my hands just as I was doing on the swings.

You can do it, now... You know that there’s no hope for getting with him. You know that it’s over; you know that the relationship will forever be different now. You won’t ever be the most important friend to him; not anymore. It’s over.

“It’s... It’s over...” I reach under my bed, to grab a case, “it’s over... it’s over... it’s over...” I slowly open it, revealing my revolver, “it’s over... It’s...” I load the gun, and aim it at my temple.

“Over.” I pull the trigger, and that was it.

Imprint

Publication Date: 01-28-2017

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