Emily, Mihajlo Stojanović [paper ebook reader .txt] 📗

mostly?

Well, something like The Rolling Stones and The Beatles, but I listen also to some other music groups.

I also like those two bands. Especially The Beatles. I like their songs such as Yesterday.

Well, that song is really great.

Yes.

What about movies?

I don't watch movies, only radio dramas.

Literature?

I don't read books.

Why?

Well, I won't explain you that right now. All you have to know about me is written in this letter.

She gives me the letter. I must say that I've seen she holds that letter so tight. Like she was trying to prevent it from falling down to the ground.

I'll read it carefully, I promise.

You don't have to.

Well, I want to.

OK. Just don't read it right now! Nor today nor tomorrow!

Why not?

You'll read about that too.

OK. I cannot promise you that! Only that I won't read it right now, in front of you.

Well, I know your patience isn't on a good level. I've been reading that in-between your words when you talked about your problems.

Well, I must say you're a good reader.

Also I want you to ask you for one another favor!

What is it?

Don't ever come to my house again in order to call me!

Why not?

Well, maybe I won't be there!

Are you saying that you're moving somewhere else?

No! Maybe I'll come to you sometimes. Not 'maybe'! I will surely do! An answer to any question that you asked me today is inside that letter.

OK.

I have to go inside now! I would love to see you again! Goodbye!.

I knew I was going to read it really carefully. I didn't know what all those stuff meant. I wanted all those questions I asked her to day to be solved.

And then I came home and did what she told me not to do - I read her letter.

A letter she wrote

Dear Evan,

Please forgive me for not telling you all these stuff. I know I should have told you all of this. But, you know, it was impossible for me. I just didn't want you to bear this burden like I did. You had some other things to worry about so why should you worry then about this!

I'm glad you talked to me about Amy. It really helped me, you know? Well, I finally got something to think about. And everything I told you about her is what I really meant. You two make such a good couple and I promise you that you will last forever. Just don't ever think about the opposite!

And I hope you'll find some friends that'll respect you just as much as you respect them. Take a chance on all those people that come into your life. Maybe some of them will be better than I was.

I want to thank you for all that you've done to me. I told you I finally got some things to think about. I was finally into something. You know, in my life there wasn't enough time for those complicated things to happen though I was hoping there was.

I think that you should know about the problems I have had all those years. You know, tomorrow is my eighteenth birthday and so I was hoping that you'd be glad to know some things about me, that I was never about to tell you. Not even close to telling you. But you know, I said that you shouldn't read it today or tomorrow, counting from the day I gave you the letter. No, I don't want to worry about me on my birthday. Nor I want you to come to me on that day. But not because I didn't like those moments with you, because it wouldn't be true, but because it all hurts when you know that this is happenning to you.

Let's start from the moment I was born. What I haven't told you is that from that moment until tomorrow I was, I am and I will be blind. Yes, you maybe didn't notice because I was hiding that from you, but it's true. You may be asking yourself right now how I wrote this letter - well, I was taught to type using computer-keyboard. I remembered all the letters and digits and all the other charachters that appear on a keyboard. I know for all of them exactly where they're placed and what is their use in our language.

When I was pretty little, I started to listen to radio dramas. I really liked those psychological ones. That is where I learned some things about people's behavior. They also helped me understand what people were doing around me. I had a dream that one day I'll finish the school and become a professional psychologist. But now I see that there's no hope for that.

I may seem depressed but believe me I'm not. I still think that the world is turning around in a good direction and that someday everything will be great.

So what happenned to me exactly? Maybe it will be hard to explain but from tomorrow on I won't ever be here for you because of some problem I've known about since I was five or six years old. I thought that it would culminate when I'm about 50 or 60 years old, but no, it's culminatting right now.

That problem is cancer. It's been culminatting for about a year and when it all started we've already known that there's no hope that we'll deal with it. All that was left for us to do was to wait until it takes my life. And it will take it tomorrow. Once forever.

All I want you to do now is to forget me. I won't be able to be there for you anymore. Let me be replaced by someone else in your life and on my swing. It's all you've got to do right now. And all that you can.

I'm going to the hospital this evening in order to give the solution one another try to become visible, though we all already know it won't.

This is my last goodbye I'm saying to you. So let it be said:

GOODBYE !!!

 

Forever yours,

Emily.

Another and last goodbye

 I read her letter when the sun was still shining above us. I realised how stupid I was, not noticing her problems. I should have asked her or whatever, but not talked only about my problems.

Tomorrow I decided that I should go and see her in a hospital. Maybe there's still a bit of hope that she's going to stay, I thought. But I knew there wasn't. I knew that she was going to die any moment and it just broke my heart once and forever.

I came to the hospital and waited in front of her room. The doctor came out of the room and I asked him whether I was able to come in and see Emily. He agreed and added that she was talking to him about me. Like you brought her happiness that she was going to sense 'till the end of her life, he said.

I came into her room and saw her lying on a bed. There was a computer which gave the information about her heartbeat. It seemed OK. Her pulse was just like mine, I felt when I put my fingers on the left part of my chest. She kinda felt that I was the one who entered her room so she said that she knew I'd come.

I told you not to do that! she added.

Well I had to, Emily. I had to.

Why? I told you not to come here to see me, Evan, because I knew you'd worry about me if you came. And I don't want you to ever worry about anything. You're such a good person. You don't deserve this stupid feeling called pain.

Everybody feels pain, Emily. Everybody.

Believe me, you wouldn't feel it if you didn't come.

I would, Emily, I would. I felt pain yesterday, I feel it today and I'll always do. The rest of my life is in your hands, Emily. What happens to you is what I'm going to feel.

But how would you feel if I was dead?

Just like you.

So you'd feel nothing?

No, Emily. I'd feel as I was dead instead of you.

Don't ever feel that way! Promise me you won't.

I have to, Emily. It's not important whether I want or I don't want to, I'm going to feel that way once when you die. But I didn't come here in order to fight with you, but to bring some more happiness to your life.

I don't want to feel happy right now. It's not what I'm obliged to.

Who'd care if you were? You must be happy now. You were never happy, Emily, I know - that's why I want you now to be so.

But I do now only what I'm obliged to and I'm obliged to die.

But you still wait.

And so?

You're not obliged to wait for death to happen, but still you do it. You can end it all here and now but you still wait.

Well, you're right.

Then be happy! Please be happy!

Evan, I was always happy. It's not really necessary for me to be happy at the end of my life because I always was.

How were you happy? When? I don't remember.

I was always happy when I was with you. You're the one who came into my life bringing me happiness.

Don't ever say that!

But it's true! Evan, you're the best person I've ever met.

How could I be the best one when I didn't care about your feelings?

Because it wasn't important to me. What was so is that I spend the last days of my life bringing happiness to someone else. 'Cause that was the real point of my whole life - to solve your problems.

But you have never told me about you're blindness. And that's what's really important to everyone.

If it was important, everybody would notice it and I wouldn't try to hide it from anyone.

But why would you hide that?

Because I wanted no one to worry about me like you do now. Everyone has his or her secrets. It was one of mine.

Yes, I know that, but still...

By the way, there is one more secret that I want to tell you while I'm still alive.

What is that?

Well, that's something even my parents and the rest of my family don't know about.

What is that?

I love you.

But you never saw me.

I didn't have to. Instead of your body, I fell in love with your soul. And that was a true love.

But you still tried to solve my problems with Amy?

Well, you know, I knew my life would end up this way. I didn't want to take any chance on you