Fantastic Fables, Ambrose Bierce [the little red hen ebook txt] 📗
- Author: Ambrose Bierce
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Alarm and Pride
A Causeway
Two in Trouble
The Witch’s Steed
The All Dog
The Farmer’s Friend
Physicians Two
The Overlooked Factor
A Racial Parallel
The Honest Cadi
The Kangaroo and the Zebra
A Matter of Method
The Man of Principle
The Returned Californian
The Compassionate Physician
Two of the Damned
The Austere Governor
Religions of Error
The Penitent Elector
The Tail of the Sphinx
A Prophet of Evil
The Crew of the Life-boat
A Treaty of Peace
The Nightside of Character
The Faithful Cashier
The Circular Clew
The Devoted Widow
The Hardy Patriots
The Humble Peasant
The Various Delegation
The No Case
A Harmless Visitor
The Judge and the Rash Act
The Prerogative of Might
An Inflated Ambition
Rejected Services
The Power of the Scalawag
At Large - One Temper
The Seeker and the Sought
His Fly-Speck Majesty
The Pugilist’s Diet
The Old Man and the Pupil
The Deceased and his Heirs
The Politicians and the Plunder
The Man and the Wart
The Divided Delegation
A Forfeited Right
Revenge
An Optimist
A Valuable Suggestion
Two Footpads
Equipped for Service
The Basking Cyclone
At the Pole
The Optimist and the Cynic
The Poet and the Editor
The Taken Hand
An Unspeakable Imbecile
A Needful War
The Mine Owner and the Jackass
The Dog and the Physician
The Party Manager and the Gentleman.
The Legislator and the Citizen
The Rainmaker
The Citizen and the Snakes
Fortune and the Fabulist
A Smiling Idol
Philosophers Three
The Boneless King
Uncalculating Zeal
A Transposition
The Honest Citizen
A Creaking Tail
Wasted Sweets
Six and One
The Sportsman and the Squirrel
The Fogy and the Sheik
At Heaven’s Gate
The Catted Anarchist
The Honourable Member
The Expatriated Boss
An Inadequate Fee
The Judge and the Plaintiff
The Return of the Representative
A Statesman
Two Dogs
Three Recruits
The Mirror
Saint and Sinner
An Antidote
A Weary Echo
The Ingenious Blackmailer
A Talisman
The Ancient Order
A Fatal Disorder
The Massacre
A Ship and a Man
Congress and the People
The Justice and His Accuser
The Highwayman and the Traveller
The Policeman and the Citizen
The Writer and the Tramps
Two Politicians
The Fugitive Office
The Tyrant Frog
The Eligible Son-in-Law
The Statesman and the Horse
An AErophobe
The Thrift of Strength
The Good Government
The Life-Saver
The Man and the Bird
From the Minutes
Three of a Kind
The Fabulist and the Animals
A Revivalist Revived
The Debaters
Two of the Pious
The Desperate Object
The Appropriate Memorial
A Needless Labour
A Flourishing Industry
The Self-Made Monkey
The Patriot and the Banker
The Mourning Brothers
The Disinterested Arbiter
The Thief and the Honest Man
The Dutiful Son
Aesopus Emendatus
The Cat and the Youth
The Farmer and His Sons
Jupiter and the Baby Show
The Man and the Dog
The Cat and the Birds
Mercury and the Woodchopper
The Fox and the Grapes
The Penitent Thief
The Archer and the Eagle
Truth and the Traveller
The Wolf and the Lamb
The Lion and the Boar
The Grasshopper and the Ant
The Fisher and the Fished
The Farmer and the Fox
Dame Fortune and the Traveller
The Victor and the Victim
The Wolf and the Shepherds
The Goose and the Swan
The Lion, the Cock, and the Ass
The Snake and the Swallow
The Wolves and the Dogs
The Hen and the Vipers
A Seasonable Joke
The Lion and the Thorn
The Fawn and the Buck
The Kite, the Pigeons, and the Hawk
The Wolf and the Babe
The Wolf and the Ostrich
The Herdsman and the Lion
The Man and the Viper
The Man and the Eagle
The War-horse and the Miller
The Dog and the Reflection
The Man and the Fish-horn
The Hare and the Tortoise
Hercules and the Carter
The Lion and the Bull
The Man and his Goose
The Wolf and the Feeding Goat
Jupiter and the Birds
The Lion and the Mouse
The Old Man and his Sons
The Crab and his Son
The North Wind and the Sun
The Mountain and the Mouse
The Bellamy and the Members
Old Saws with New Teeth
The Wolf and the Crane
The Lion and the Mouse
The Hares and the Frogs
The Belly and the Members
The Piping Fisherman
The Ants and the Grasshopper
The Dog and His Reflection
The Lion, the Bear, and the Fox
The Ass and the Lion’s Skin
The Ass and the Grasshoppers
The Wolf and the Lion
The Hare and the Tortoise
The Milkmaid and Her Bucket
King Log and King Stork
The Wolf Who Would Be a Lion
The Monkey and the Nuts
The Boys and the Frogs
The Moral Principle and the Material Interest
A MORAL Principle met a Material Interest on a bridge wide enough
for but one.
“Down, you base thing!” thundered the Moral Principle, “and let me
pass over you!”
The Material Interest merely looked in the other’s eyes without
saying anything.
“Ah,” said the Moral Principle, hesitatingly, “let us draw lots to
see which shall retire till the other has crossed.”
The Material Interest maintained an unbroken silence and an
unwavering stare.
“In order to avoid a conflict,” the Moral Principle resumed,
somewhat uneasily, “I shall myself lie down and let you walk over
me.”
Then the Material Interest found a tongue, and by a strange
coincidence it was its own tongue. “I don’t think you are very
good walking,” it said. “I am a little particular about what I
have underfoot. Suppose you get off into the water.”
It occurred that way.
The Crimson Candle
A MAN lying at the point of death called his wife to his bedside
and said:
“I am about to leave you forever; give me, therefore, one last
proof of your affection and fidelity, for, according to our holy
religion, a married man seeking admittance at the gate of Heaven is
required to swear that he has never defiled himself with an
unworthy woman. In my desk you will find a crimson candle, which
has been blessed by the High Priest and has a peculiar mystical
significance. Swear to me that while it is in existence you will
not remarry.”
The Woman swore and the Man died. At the funeral the Woman stood
at the head of the bier, holding a lighted crimson candle till it
was wasted entirely away.
The Blotted Escutcheon and the Soiled Ermine
A BLOTTED Escutcheon, rising to a question of privilege, said:
“Mr. Speaker, I wish to hurl back an allegation and explain that
the spots upon me are the natural markings of one who is a direct
descendant of the sun and a spotted fawn. They come of no accident
of character, but inhere in the divine order and constitution of
things.”
When the Blotted Escutcheon had resumed his seat a Soiled Ermine
rose and said:
“Mr. Speaker, I have heard with profound attention and entire
approval the explanation of the honourable member, and wish to
offer a few remarks on my own behalf. I, too, have been foully
calumniated by our ancient enemy, the Infamous Falsehood, and I
wish to point out that I am made of the fur of the MUSTELA
MACULATA, which is dirty from birth.”
The Ingenious Patriot
HAVING obtained an audience of the King an Ingenious Patriot pulled
a paper from his pocket, saying:
“May it please your Majesty, I have here a formula for constructing
armour-plating which no gun can pierce. If these plates are
adopted in the Royal Navy our warships will be invulnerable, and
therefore invincible. Here, also, are reports of your Majesty’s
Ministers, attesting the value of the invention. I will part with
my right in it for a million tumtums.”
After examining the papers, the King put them away and promised him
an order on the Lord High Treasurer of the Extortion Department for
a million tumtums.
“And here,” said the Ingenious Patriot, pulling another paper from
another pocket, “are the working plans of a gun that I have
invented, which will pierce that armour. Your Majesty’s Royal
Brother, the Emperor of Bang, is anxious to purchase it, but
loyalty to your Majesty’s throne and person constrains me to offer
it first to your Majesty. The price is one million tumtums.”
Having received the promise of another check, he thrust his hand
into still another pocket, remarking:
“The price of the irresistible gun would have been much greater,
your Majesty, but for the fact that its missiles can be so
effectively averted by my peculiar method of treating the armour
plates with a new- “
The King signed to the Great Head Factotum to approach.
“Search this man,” he said, “and report how many pockets he has.”
“Forty-three, Sire,” said the Great Head Factotum, completing the
scrutiny.
“May it please your Majesty,” cried the Ingenious Patriot, in
terror, “one of them contains tobacco.”
“Hold him up by the ankles and shake him,” said the King; “then
give him a check for forty-two million tumtums and put him to
death. Let a decree issue declaring ingenuity a capital offence.”
Two Kings
THE King of Madagao, being engaged in a dispute with the King of
Bornegascar, wrote him as follows:
“Before proceeding further in this matter I demand the recall of
your Minister from my capital.”
Greatly enraged by this impossible demand, the King of Bornegascar
replied:
“I shall not recall my Minister. Moreover, if you do not
immediately retract your demand I shall withdraw him!”
This threat so terrified the King of Madagao that in hastening to
comply he fell over his own feet, breaking the Third Commandment.
An Officer and a Thug
A CHIEF of Police who had seen an Officer beating a Thug was very
indignant, and said he must not do so any more on pain of
dismissal.
“Don’t be too hard on me,” said the Officer, smiling; “I was
beating him with a stuffed club.”
“Nevertheless,” persisted the Chief of Police, “it was a liberty
that must have been very disagreeable, though it may not have hurt.
Please do not repeat it.”
“But,” said the Officer, still smiling, “it was a stuffed Thug.”
In attempting to express his gratification, the Chief of Police
thrust out his right hand with such violence that his skin was
ruptured at the arm-pit and a stream of sawdust poured from the
wound. He was a stuffed Chief of Police.
The Conscientious Official
WHILE a Division Superintendent of a railway was attending closely
to his business of placing obstructions on the track and tampering
with the switches he received word that the President of the road
was about to discharge him for incompetency.
“Good Heavens!” he cried; “there are more accidents on my division
than on all the rest of the line.”
“The President is very particular,” said the Man who brought him
the news; “he thinks the same loss of life might be effected with
less damage to the company’s property.”
“Does he expect me to shoot passengers through the car windows?”
exclaimed the indignant official, spiking a loose tie across the
rails. “Does he take me for an assassin?”
How Leisure Came
A MAN to Whom Time Was Money, and who was bolting his breakfast in
order to catch a train, had leaned his newspaper against the sugar-bowl and was reading as he ate. In his haste and abstraction he
stuck a pickle-fork into his right eye, and on removing the fork
the eye came with it. In buying spectacles the needless outlay for
the right lens soon reduced him to poverty, and the Man to Whom
Time Was Money had to sustain life by fishing from the end of a
wharf.
The Moral Sentiment
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