The $30,000 Bequest, Mark Twain [best book club books for discussion TXT] 📗
- Author: Mark Twain
- Performer: 1406911003
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while in order to try to recall the name of the soldier that was hurt,
and finally remembering that the soldier’s name was not mentioned,
and remarking placidly that the name is of no real importance, anyway—
better, of course, if one knew it, but not essential, after all—
and so on, and so on, and so on.
The teller is innocent and happy and pleased with himself,
and has to stop every little while to hold himself in and keep
from laughing outright; and does hold in, but his body quakes
in a jelly-like way with interior chuckles; and at the end of the
ten minutes the audience have laughed until they are exhausted,
and the tears are running down their faces.
The simplicity and innocence and sincerity and unconsciousness
of the old farmer are perfectly simulated, and the result
is a performance which is thoroughly charming and delicious.
This is art—and fine and beautiful, and only a master can compass it;
but a machine could tell the other story.
To string incongruities and absurdities together in a wandering
and sometimes purposeless way, and seem innocently unaware that they
are absurdities, is the basis of the American art, if my position
is correct. Another feature is the slurring of the point. A third
is the dropping of a studied remark apparently without knowing it,
as if one where thinking aloud. The fourth and last is the pause.
Artemus Ward dealt in numbers three and four a good deal. He would
begin to tell with great animation something which he seemed to
think was wonderful; then lose confidence, and after an apparently
absent-minded pause add an incongruous remark in a soliloquizing way;
and that was the remark intended to explode the mine—and it did.
For instance, he would say eagerly, excitedly, “I once knew a man
in New Zealand who hadn’t a tooth in his head”—here his animation
would die out; a silent, reflective pause would follow, then he
would say dreamily, and as if to himself, “and yet that man could
beat a drum better than any man I ever saw.”
The pause is an exceedingly important feature in any kind of story,
and a frequently recurring feature, too. It is a dainty thing,
and delicate, and also uncertain and treacherous; for it must
be exactly the right length—no more and no less—or it fails
of its purpose and makes trouble. If the pause is too short the
impressive point is passed, and the audience have had time to divine
that a surprise is intended—and then you can’t surprise them,
of course.
On the platform I used to tell a negro ghost story that had a pause
in front of the snapper on the end, and that pause was the most important
thing in the whole story. If I got it the right length precisely,
I could spring the finishing ejaculation with effect enough to make
some impressible girl deliver a startled little yelp and jump out
of her seat—and that was what I was after. This story was called
“The Golden Arm,” and was told in this fashion. You can practice
with it yourself—and mind you look out for the pause and get it right.
THE GOLDEN ARM
Once ‘pon a time dey wuz a momsus mean man, en he live ‘way out in de
prairie all ‘lone by hisself, ‘cep’n he had a wife. En bimeby she died,
en he tuck en toted her way out dah in de prairie en buried her.
Well, she had a golden arm—all solid gold, fum de shoulder down.
He wuz pow’ful mean—pow’ful; en dat night he couldn’t sleep,
caze he want dat golden arm so bad.
When it come midnight he couldn’t stan’ it no mo’; so he git up,
he did, en tuck his lantern en shoved out thoo de storm en dug her
up en got de golden arm; en he bent his head down ‘gin de ‘win, en
plowed en plowed en plowed thoo de snow. Den all on a sudden he
stop (make a considerable pause here, and look startled, and take
a listening attitude) en say: “My LAN’, what’s dat?”
En he listen—en listen—en de win’ say (set your teeth together
and imitate the wailing and wheezing singsong of the wind),
“Bzzz-z-zzz”—en den, way back yonder whah de grave is, he hear
a VOICE!—he hear a voice all mix’ up in de win’—can’t hardly
tell ‘em ‘part—“Bzzz—zzz—W-h-o—g-o-t—m-y—g-o-l-d-e-n ARM?”
(You must begin to shiver violently now.)
En he begin to shiver en shake, en say, “Oh, my! OH, my lan’!” en de win’
blow de lantern out, en de snow en sleet blow in his face en mos’
choke him, en he start a-plowin’ knee-deep toward home mos’ dead,
he so sk’yerd—en pooty soon he hear de voice agin, en (pause) it ‘us
comin AFTER him! “Bzzz—zzz—zzz W-h-o—g-o-t—m-y—g-o-l-d-e-n—ARM?”
When he git to de pasture he hear it agin—closter now,
en A-COMIN’!—a-comin’ back dah in de dark en de storm—(repeat
the wind and the voice). When he git to de house he rush upstairs
en jump in de bed en kiver up, head and years, en lay da shiverin’
en shakin’—en den way out dah he hear it AGIN!—en a-COMIN’! En
bimeby he hear (pause—awed, listening attitude)—pat—pat—pat HIT’S
A-COMIN’ UPSTAIRS! Den he hear de latch, en he KNOW it’s in de room!
Den pooty soon he know it’s a-STANNIN’ BY DE BED! (Pause.) Den—
he know it’s a-BENDIN’ DOWN OVER HIM—en he cain’t skasely git
his breath! Den—den—he seem to feel someth’n’ C-O-L-D, right down
‘most agin his head! (Pause.)
Den de voice say, RIGHT AT HIS YEAR—“W-h-o—g-o-t—m-y g-o-l-d-e-n ARM?”
(You must wail it out very plaintively and accusingly; then you stare
steadily and impressively into the face of the farthest-gone auditor—
a girl, preferably—and let that awe-inspiring pause begin to build
itself in the deep hush. When it has reached exactly the right length,
jump suddenly at that girl and yell, “YOU’VE got it!”)
If you’ve got the PAUSE right, she’ll fetch a dear little yelp and
spring right out of her shoes. But you MUST get the pause right;
and you will find it the most troublesome and aggravating and
uncertain thing you ever undertook.
***
GENERAL WASHINGTON’S NEGRO BODY-SERVANT
A Biographical Sketch
The stirring part of this celebrated colored man’s life properly began
with his death—that is to say, the notable features of his biography
began with the first time he died. He had been little heard of up
to that time, but since then we have never ceased to hear of him;
we have never ceased to hear of him at stated, unfailing intervals.
His was a most remarkable career, and I have thought that its history
would make a valuable addition to our biographical literature.
Therefore, I have carefully collated the materials for such a work,
from authentic sources, and here present them to the public. I have
rigidly excluded from these pages everything of a doubtful character,
with the object in view of introducing my work into the schools
for the instruction of the youth of my country.
The name of the famous body-servant of General Washington was George.
After serving his illustrious master faithfully for half a century,
and enjoying throughout his long term his high regard and confidence,
it became his sorrowful duty at last to lay that beloved master
to rest in his peaceful grave by the Potomac. Ten years afterward—
in 1809—full of years and honors, he died himself, mourned by all
who knew him. The Boston GAZETTE of that date thus refers to
the event:
George, the favorite body-servant of the lamented Washington,
died in Richmond, Va., last Tuesday, at the ripe age of 95 years.
His intellect was unimpaired, and his memory tenacious, up to
within a few minutes of his decease. He was present at the second
installation of Washington as President, and also at his funeral,
and distinctly remembered all the prominent incidents connected with
those noted events.
From this period we hear no more of the favorite body-servant of
General Washington until May, 1825, at which time he died again.
A Philadelphia paper thus speaks of the sad occurrence:
At Macon, Ga., last week, a colored man named George, who was the
favorite body-servant of General Washington, died at the advanced
age of 95 years. Up to within a few hours of his dissolution he
was in full possession of all his faculties, and could distinctly
recollect the second installation of Washington, his death
and burial, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battle of Trenton,
the griefs and hardships of Valley Forge, etc. Deceased was
followed to the grave by the entire population of Macon.
On the Fourth of July, 1830, and also of 1834 and 1836, the subject
of this sketch was exhibited in great state upon the rostrum
of the orator of the day, and in November of 1840 he died again.
The St. Louis REPUBLICAN of the 25th of that month spoke as follows:
“ANOTHER RELIC OF THE REVOLUTION GONE.
“George, once the favorite body-servant of General Washington,
died yesterday at the house of Mr. John Leavenworth in this city,
at the venerable age of 95 years. He was in the full possession
of his faculties up to the hour of his death, and distinctly
recollected the first and second installations and death of
President Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles
of Trenton and Monmouth, the sufferings of the patriot army at
Valley Forge, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence,
the speech of Patrick Henry in the Virginia House of Delegates,
and many other old-time reminiscences of stirring interest.
Few white men die lamented as was this aged negro. The funeral
was very largely attended.”
During the next ten or eleven years the subject of this sketch
appeared at intervals at Fourth-of-July celebrations in various
parts of the country, and was exhibited upon the rostrum with
flattering success. But in the fall of 1855 he died again.
The California papers thus speak of the event:
ANOTHER OLD HERO GONE
Died, at Dutch Flat, on the 7th of March, George (once the confidential
body-servant of General Washington), at the great age of 95 years.
His memory, which did not fail him till the last, was a wonderful
storehouse of interesting reminiscences. He could distinctly recollect
the first and second installations and death of President Washington,
the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles of Trenton and Monmouth,
and Bunker Hill, the proclamation of the Declaration of Independence,
and Braddock’s defeat. George was greatly respected in Dutch Flat,
and it is estimated that there were 10,000 people present at
his funeral.
The last time the subject of this sketch died was in June, 1864; and until
we learn the contrary, it is just to presume that he died permanently
this time. The Michigan papers thus refer to the sorrowful event:
ANOTHER CHERISHED REMNANT OF THE REVOLUTION GONE
George, a colored man, and once the favorite body-servant of
George Washington, died in Detroit last week, at the patriarchal age
of 95 years. To the moment of his death his intellect was unclouded,
and he could distinctly remember the first and second installations
and death of Washington, the surrender of Cornwallis, the battles
of Trenton and Monmouth, and Bunker Hill, the proclamation of the
Declaration of Independence, Braddock’s defeat, the throwing over
of the tea in Boston harbor, and the landing of the Pilgrims.
He died greatly respected, and was followed to the grave by a vast
concourse of people.
The faithful old servant is gone! We shall never see him more until
he turns up again. He has closed his long and splendid career
of dissolution, for the present, and sleeps
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