Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

said I must talk like a lady, and that's the way the ladies talk when they come to see us."

SPANKING

Back in those days when corporal punishment was permitted to teachers, a minor teacher named Miss Bings complained to one of her superiors, Miss Manners, that she had spanked one particular boy, Thomas, until she could spank him no more for physical fatigue.

"When you want him spanked again, send him to me," Miss Manners said.

Next morning, Thomas came into the presence of Miss Manners, displaying an air that was downcast. The teacher regarded him with suspicion.

"Did you come from Miss Bings?" she asked sharply.

"Yes, ma'am," Thomas admitted.

"I thought as much!" On the instant, she skillfully inverted the youngster over her lap, and whacked him in a most spirited manner. This duty done, as the wailings of the boy died away, she demanded sternly:

"And now what have you to say?"

"Please, ma'am," Thomas answered brokenly, "Miss Bings wants the scissors!"

SPEED

In the business college, the instructor addressed the new class concerning the merits of shorthand. In his remarks, he included this statement:

"It is a matter of record that it took the poet Gray seven years to write his famous poem, 'Elegy in a Country Churchyard.' Had he been proficient in stenography, he could have done it in seven minutes. We have had students who have written it in that length of time."

*         *         *

The young lady interested in botany inquired of the gentleman who had been traveling in the South.

"What sort of a plant is the Virginia creeper?"

"That is not a plant," was the answer, given wearily; "it's a railroad."

SPELLING

Some time before Mr. Taft became President of the United States, he took an extended trip in the mountains of West Virginia. On one occasion, he was conveyed along the mountain roads in a buggy driven by a native of the region. As they came to a small stream, Mr. Taft, without any particular interest, inquired concerning the brook's name. So far as he could understand, the answer was:

"This here are Swum-swum Crick."

"What?" Mr. Taft demanded.

In the repetition, the words sounded like:

"This here are Swoovel Crick."

The questioner was so puzzled that he asked the mountaineer how the name of the Creek was spelled.

The native spat tobacco juice reflectively over the wheel, and then spoke judicially:

"Waal, some spells it one way, an' some spells it another way; but in my jedgmint thar are no propeer way."

*         *         *

The clerk of the court directed the witness to spell his name. The man started his reply thus:

"O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double——"

The clerk interrupted:

"Please, begin again."

The witness complied glibly:

"O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double o——"

The clerk groaned. The judge himself intervened: "What is your name?"

"Your Honor, it is Ottiwell Wood. I spell it: O double t, i double u, e double l, double u, double o, d."

SPINSTERHOOD

The old colored mammy took advantage of a wedding announcement to question her mistress, who remained a spinster still though approaching middle age.

"When is you gwine to git married, missy?"

"I don't know, mammy," was the thoughtful reply. "Really, I don't think I'll ever get married."

A note of sadness in the speaker's voice moved the old woman to attempt philosophical consolation:

"Well, they do say as how ole maids am the happies' kind after they quits strugglin'."

SPITE

The faithful old employee asked for a day off. The request was granted, with an inquiry as to what he intended to do on his holiday.

"I think," came the cautious answer, "I shall go to my wife's funeral. She died the other day."

A few weeks later, the request for a day off was repeated.

"And what are you going to do this time?" the employer asked.

"I think, mebbe, I'll get married."

"What! So soon after burying your wife?"

The faithful old employee smiled tolerantly, as he answered:

"Oh, well, I was never one to hold spite."

SPORTSMANSHIP

In the party out after reed birds was a tyro at the sport. When at last he saw one of the birds walking about, he plumped down on his stomach, and took aim. A companion called to him sharply:

"You're not going to shoot the bird while it's walking?"

"No," was the firm response; "I'll wait till it stops."

SPRING

The teacher talked on the four seasons, telling how in the spring the new life comes to the earth, with the growth of grasses and leaves and flowers, how this life matures in summer, and so on, and so on. Then she called on the class to repeat the information she had given. She asked one little boy about spring.

"What do we find in the spring, George?"

George seemed very reluctant to answer, but when the teacher insisted he at last said:

"Why, ma'am, there's a frog, an' a lizard, an' a snake, an' a dead cat, but I didn't put the cat there. It was another boy."

STAMMERING

On the occasion of a most interesting family event, Mr. Peedle, who desired a son, paced the drawing-room in extreme agitation, until at last the doctor appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, oh, tell me," he gasped, "what is it—a boy or a girl?"

"Tr-tr-tr—" the physician began stammeringly.

Peedle paled.

"Triplets! Merciful providence!"

"Qu-qu-qu—" spluttered the doctor.

Peedle paled some more.

"Quadruplets!" he moaned.

"N-n-no!" the physician snapped. "Qu-qu-quite the contrary. Tr-tr-try to take it qu-quietly. It's a girl."

STYLE

Two old friends met, and immediately found that they were equally devoted to motoring. After a discussion of their various cars, one bethought himself to ask concerning the other's wife, whom he had never seen. That lady was described by her husband, as follows:

"Nineteen-six model, limousine so to say, heavy tread, runs on low."

"Self-starter?"

"You bet!"

SUNDAY SCHOOL

The young lady worker for the Sunday school called on the newly wedded pair.

"I am endeavoring to secure new scholars," she explained. "Won't you send your children?"

When she was informed that there were no children in the family as yet, she continued brightly:

"But won't you please send them when you do have them?"

*         *         *

The Sunday-school teacher examined his new class.

"Who made the world?" he demanded. Nobody seemed to know. He repeated the question somewhat sternly. As the silence persisted, he frowned and spoke with increased severity:

"Children, I must know who made the world!"

Then, at last, a small boy piped up in much agitation:

"Oh, sir, please, sir, it wasn't me!"

SUPERMAN

It is told of Mrs. Gladstone that a number of ladies in her drawing-room once became engaged in earnest discussion of a difficult problem. It chanced that at the time the great prime minister was in his study upstairs. As the argument in the drawing-room became hopelessly involved, a devout lady of the company took advantage of a lull to say:

"Ah, well, there is One above Who knows it all."

Mrs. Gladstone beamed.

"Yes," she said proudly. "And William will be down directly to tell us all about it."

SUPERSTITION

The superstitious sporting editor of the paper condemned the "Horse Fair" by Rosa Bonheur.

"Just look at those white horses!" he exclaimed disgustedly. "And not a red-headed girl in sight."

SUSPENSE

The passionate lover wrote to his inamorata as follows:

"Adored of my soul:—If you love me, wear a red rose in your corsage to-night at the opera. If my devotion to you is hopeless, wear a white rose."

She wore a yellow rose.

SUSPICION

The eminent politicians of opposing parties met on a train, and during their chat discovered that they agreed concerning primaries.

"It is the first time," said one, "that we have ever agreed on a matter of public policy."

"That is so," the other assented. "The fact leads me to suspect that I am wrong, after all in this matter of the primaries."

SYMPATHY

A tramp devised a new scheme for working on the sympathy of the housewife. After ringing the front door bell, he got on his knees, and began nibbling at the grass of the lawn. Presently the woman opened the door, and, in surprise at sight of him on all fours, asked what he was doing there.

The tramp got to his feet shakily, and made an eloquent clutch at his stomach as he explained:

"Dear madam, I am so hungry that like Nebuchadnezzar I just had to take to eatin' grass."

"Well, well, now ain't that too bad!" the woman cried. "You go right into the back yard—the grass there is longer."

TACT

The senator from Utah was able to disarm by flattery the resentment of a woman at a reception in Washington, who upbraided him for that plurality of wives so dear to Mormon precept and practice.

"Alas, madam," the senator declared with a touch of sadness in his voice, "we are compelled in Utah to marry a number of wives."

His fair antagonist was frankly surprised.

"What do you mean?" she demanded.

The senator explained suavely:

"We have to seek there in several women the splendid qualities that here are to be found in one."

TALKING MACHINE

Many a man who has suffered from tongue-lashings at home will be moved to profound sympathy for the victim described as follows in a local news item of a country paper:

"Alice Jardine, a married woman, was charged with unlawfully wounding her husband, Charles Jardine, a laborer, by striking him with a pair of tongues."

TAR AND FEATHERS

The victim of the Klu Klux Klan plucked some feathers from his neck with one hand, while he picked gingerly at the tar on his legs with the other.

"The excitement," he murmured, "rose to a terrible pitch, but it soon came down."

TASTE

A noted humorist once spent a few weeks with a tribe of western Indians. On his return, he was asked concerning his experiences. One question was:

"Did you ever taste any dog-feast stew?"

"Yes," was the melancholy reply. "I tasted it twice—once when it went down, and once when it came up."

*         *         *

It's all a matter of taste, as the old lady said when she kissed the cow.

*         *         *

The master of the house was hungry at breakfast, and swallowed a good part of his bacon before he tasted it. Then he took time to protest violently to his wife against the flavor of the food. The good lady offered no apology, but rang for the servant. When the latter appeared, the mistress asked a question that was little calculated to soothe her husband.

"Maggie," she inquired serenely, "what did you do with the bacon we poisoned for the rats?"

TEARS

The kind lady stopped to tell the sobbing little girl not to cry, and she offered as a convincing argument:

"You know it makes little girls homely."

The child stared belligerently at the benevolent lady, and then remarked:

"You must have cried an awful lot when you was young."

TENDER MEMORIES

"Please tell me, James," directed the young lady teacher, "where shingles were first used?"

"I could, ma'am," little Jimmie replied in great embarrassment, "but I'd rather not."

TERMINOLOGY

When the bishop was entertained at an English country house, the butler coached carefully the new boy who was to carry up the jug of hot water for shaving in the morning.

"When you knock," the butler explained, "and he asks, 'Who's there?' then you must say, 'It's the boy, my Lord.'"

The lad, in much nervous trepidation, duly carried up the hot water, but in answer to the bishop's query as to who was at the door, he announced:

"It's the Lord, my boy!"

The butler overheard and was horrified. He hammered into the youth's consciousness, the fact that a bishop must be addressed as my lord. Finally, he was satisfied that the boy understood, and