Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

which one."

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He: "I never knew until to-day that the Rev. Dr. Preachly married an actress."

She: "Oh, yes! It is she who rehearses him in those beautiful extempore sermons he preaches."

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DURING THE QUARREL

He: "But if you will allow me to——"

She: "Oh! I know what you are going to say, but you're quite mistaken and I can prove it."

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CONDITIONAL

Eloping Bride: "Oh, Jack! I can't help wondering what father will say when he gets our letter."

Bridegroom: "It can't make any difference to our happiness, darling—so long as he doesn't do it when we get back."

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JUST IGNORANCE

He (dejectedly): "I'm sure I don't see why our parents won't give their consent. I consider their conduct is little short of cruel."

She: "Oh, Jack! How can you expect old fogies like they are to know anything about love?"

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ALL IN ONE BREATH

Wife: "I'm afraid you'll think me rather extravagant, dear, but I spent ten dollars to-day on a boat, and a train, and a fire-engine, and a box of soldiers, and some nine pins for Freddie's birthday. By the way, what are you going to buy him?"

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A YOUNG PHILOSOPHER

"Mamma!"

"What is it, dear?"

"It seems to me that a 'silly question' is something that you don't know the answer to."

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FEMININITY

Julia: "Fanny married a very wealthy man, you know. She tells me she has absolutely nothing to wish for."

Gertrude: "Oh, Julia! What a dreadful state to be in."

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GETTING EVEN

Mrs. Lynks: "Jack, I have made up my mind to fine you ten cents every time you swear."

Mr. Lynks: "That's a bargain, if you'll give me ten cents every time you envy me for being able to."

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A SOOTHING EFFECT

"Do you miss your husband as much as when he first went away?"

"No, I am becoming reconciled. You see he sent me a power of attorney."

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IN THAT CASE

She: "When one is really thirsty, there is nothing so good as pure, cold water."

He: "I guess I have never been really thirsty."

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A QUALIFIED STATEMENT

"Well! we've missed that confounded train. What time will the next one be here?"

"If the engine doesn't break down, and the track doesn't spread, and they don't run into any cows, and the up-freight isn't behind time, and the swing bridge isn't open, it ought to be here in about two hours."

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The Count: "I weesh to marry your daughtaire, saire! I am vorth one hundred thousand dollaire."

The Millionaire: "But I thought you were a bankrupt."

The Count: "I mean zat I am vorth zat moch to you."

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"I suppose your landlord asks a lot for the rent of this place?"

"A lot! He asks me for it nearly every week."

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Mother (to little girl who had been sent to the hen-house for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?"

Little Girl: "No, mummie, only the one the hens use for a pattern."

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"It's funny that you should be so tall. Your brother, the artist, is short, isn't he?"

He (absently): "Yes, usually."

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Urchin (contemptuously): "Huh! Yer mother takes in washin'!"

Neighbor: "Well, yer didn't s'pose she'd leave it hangin' aht overnight unless your farver was in prison, did yer?"

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HIS SPHERE

"His versatility is something extraordinary."

"I had an idea he was rather stupid."

"That's just it. I never met a man who could make more different kinds of a fool of himself."

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Poetic Bridegroom: "I could sit here forever, gazing into your eyes, and listening to the wash of the ocean."

Practical Bride: "Oh! That reminds me, darling, we have not paid our laundry bill yet."

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A LOVERS' QUARREL

George: "Why don't Jack and Laura make up?"

Kate: "'Sh! They'd like to, but unfortunately they can't remember what they quarreled about."

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A DREADFUL POSSIBILITY

Elsie: "When is my birthday, Mother?"

Her Mother: "On the thirty-first of this month, dear."

Elsie: "Oh! Mother! Supposing this month had had only thirty days, where would I have been?"

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GETTING RECKLESS

She: "I'm surprised at Jane's staying out in the boat all this time with a comparative stranger. A woman of thirty is old enough to know better."

He: "Aren't you afraid she is too old to know better?"

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"I shall never find anyone else like you. You see, you're so different from other girls."

"Oh, but you'll find lots of other girls different from other girls."

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RETROACTIVE

"You know you should love your neighbor as yourself."

"But the trouble is, when I try to do that, I always end by hating myself."

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Pupil: "What I want to know is, am I a bass or a baritone?"

Teacher: "No—you're not."

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APOLOGIZING

"Oh! Are you really a mind-reader?"

"Yes! I am."

"Then I hope you aren't offended. I didn't mean what I thought about you."

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DENIED THE PRIVILEGE

The Child: "Mother! Did you buy a ticket for me?"

The Mother: "No, dear! They don't charge for little boys."

The Child: "Is that 'cos we're too little to reach the straps?"

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A GOOD PLAN

She: "The Burrowes are having their wooden wedding next week. What can we give them?"

"We might send them a receipt for some of the money he owes me."

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ENFRANCHISEMENT OF WOMAN

First Voter: "So Mr. Jones has been elected. You voted for him, of course?"

Second Voter: "No, I voted for the other man. You see, Mr. Jones supported Woman's Suffrage, which I abhor."

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FAMILIARITY, ETC.

"I'm so glad to see you. And how did you enjoy your visit to the South?"

"Oh, not very much! There wasn't a soul where I was staying except intimate friends."

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REASSURING

She: "Oh! Jack! Are you perfectly certain that you love me?"

He: "My darling! You don't suppose that I have lived for thirty years without knowing love when I feel it."

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HOW IT HAPPENED

"What! You don't mean to tell me they are engaged! Why! They never met until a week ago."

"I know it. But they happened, while out rowing together, to get caught in a thunder storm."

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A LINGUIST

"She is one of the most remarkable women I ever met."

"In what way?"

"She can keep silence in four different languages."

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THE DIFFERENCE

She: "I'm so glad we're engaged."

He: "But you knew all the time that I loved you, didn't you?"

She: "Yes, dear, I knew it, but you didn't."

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THE ROAD TO——, ETC.

"Well, what are you sneering about? You don't seem to have much faith in my good resolutions."

"I was just wondering if you had taken the paving contract for the next world."

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CLASSIFIED

Mrs. Bargain: "Oh, Ethel! I have just talked Edward into giving me the money for a new hat."

Mr. Bargain: "Which I shall enter in my accounts as 'Hush Money.'"

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A SOLUTION

The Mistress: "Oh, Jane, if I had known who sent those flowers I would have returned them unopened."

The Maid: "Shure, Miss, couldn't ye take a few out, and sind the rist back unopened?"

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ENCOURAGING

He: "My train goes in fifteen minutes. Can you not give me one ray of hope before I leave you forever?"

She: "Er—that clock is half an hour fast."

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AN ALIAS

Miss Hen: "I demand an explanation! You told me that your name was plain 'Mr. Rooster,' and that poet just now addressed you as 'Chanticleer'!"

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Lady (to prospective daily housemaid): "The hours will be from nine to six-thirty, with an hour and a half off for dinner."

D. H.: "For luncheon, I suppose you mean. And I should have to leave at six, as I always dine at my club and have to dress first."

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CHANGING PLACES

"They say that she was his stenographer before marriage."

"She has evidently reversed the order of things."

"How so?"

"She does the dictating now."

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ECONOMY

Young Husband: "I see that sugar has gone down two points."

Young Wife: "Has it? I'll get a couple of pounds to-day, then."

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Best Man (seeing couple off on honeymoon): "Here you are—just a few magazines to help pass away the time."

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Hostess (to small guest, who is casting lingering glances at the cakes): "I don't think you can eat any more of those cakes, can you, John?"

John: "No, I don't think I can. But may I stroke them?"

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Mr. Househunter: "I don't care for those flats we looked at to-day. The rooms are too narrow, and the ceilings are too low."

Mrs. Househunter: "But they are cheap, dear; and you and I are neither very wide nor very high."

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QUALIFIED

The Leading Woman: "How does Garrette rank as an actor?"

The Comedian: "He doesn't—he is."

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CLAIMING ACQUAINTANCE

Chimmie: "Dat's McCorker de heavy-weight—me cousin used ter go ter school wid'm."

Billie: "Dat ain't nuthin'—me brudder had t'ree front teet' knocked out by'm onct."

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FROM THE HEART

The Wife: "I have not been able to wear my new hat yet on account of the weather."

The Husband: "Humph! And I suppose by the time it clears up the fashion will have changed."

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The Reporter: "I beg pardon, but would you be kind enough to tell me what blow you will knock Fitzmuggins out with to-morrow night?"

Sledge-hammer Mike: "De solar plexus."

The Reporter: "And er—if you get beaten, what will your—er—weak spot have been?"

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AN ARGUMENT

"This theory about fish being brain food is all nonsense."

"Why do you say so?"

"Because the greatest number of fish are eaten by the very people who are idiots enough to sit out all day waiting for them to bite."

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