Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

in the room. I want to dance with you!"

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"I warn you, Sir! The discourtesy of this bank is beyond all limits. One word more and I—I withdraw my overdraft."

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Wife (at upper window): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"

"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."

"Well—you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."

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Motor-Launch Officer (who has rung for full-speed without result): "What's the matter?"

Voice-from below: "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."

Commander: "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing—we want to get on."

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Mother: "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"

Daughter: "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy. He's looking after him just now."

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JUSTIFICATION

Wife: "Two bottles of ginger ale, dear?"

He: "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"

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First Flapper: "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."

Second Flapper: "And what did you do?"

First Flapper: "I just glared back at him—as if I had!"

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Mollie (who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack—anywhere you like."

Lady (to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?—and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."

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Governess: "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"

Mollie: "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."

Governess: "And what are little boys made of?"

Mollie: "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could hardly believe it."

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"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"

"Of course. Why ask?"

"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."

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Irate Parent: "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you—"

The Suitor: "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."

*         *         *

Wife: "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa! Who is it speaking?'"

*         *         *

Mrs. Goodheart: "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"

Mr. Hardup: "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."

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"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"

"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."

*         *         *

Helen's elder sister: "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."

Helen: "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one—it would be so horrid when it twinkled."

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"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"

"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"

"Yus—if she don't get it."

*         *         *

Child: "Mother, I have been good to-day—so patient with Nurse."

*         *         *

The schoolmaster was explaining what to do in case of fire. The pupils listened with respectful attention until he came to his final instruction.

"Above all things," he said, "if your clothing catches fire, remain cool."

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Wife: "Yes, dear. I thought I'd buy you something you'd never think of buying for yourself."

Husband (as he gazes with horror at the canary-colored socks): "Yes, dear, and you have succeeded."

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Podger (to new acquaintance): "I wonder if that fat old girl is really trying to flirt with me?"

Cooler: "I can easily find out by asking her—she is my wife."

*         *         *

Young Husband: "It seems to me, my dear, that there is something wrong with this cake."

The Bride (smiling triumphantly): "That shows what you know about it. The cookery book says it's perfectly delicious."

*         *         *

Wife (referring to guest): "He's a most attractive man; is he married?"

Husband: "I dunno. He's a reserved chap—keeps all his troubles to himself!"

*         *         *

Questioning a class, an inspector asked:

"If you were to say to me, 'You was here yesterday,' would that be right?"

"No, sir," was the reply.

"And why not?"

"Please, sir, because you wasn't."

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Salesman: "Another advantage of this machine, madam, is that it is fool-proof."

Sweet Thing (placidly): "No doubt, to the ordinary kind. But you don't know my husband."

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The Stage Manager: "Now then, we're all ready, run up the curtain."

The New Hand: "Wot yer talkin' about—'run up the curtain'—think I'm a bloomin' squirrel?"

*         *         *

Old Gentleman (to new gardener): "Why do you always pull your barrow instead of pushing it?"

The Gardener: "'Cause I 'ates the sight of the blooming thing."

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"My dear, you're not going to the links to-day?"

"Oh, yes, Auntie. I shall try and put in a round."

"But it's pouring! Why, I wouldn't send a dog out to golf in such weather."

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Lady (who has purchased a ready-made dress): "Tiresome this dress is. The fasteners come undone as quick as you do them up."

Cook (acting as lady's-maid): "Yes'm, they do. That's why I wouldn't have it myself when I tried it on at the shop the other day."

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HIS REPUTATION

Waitress: "He ain't no good, Lil—he's one of these fellers wot chooses the price first an' then runs his fingers along the bill o' fare to see wot he gets for it."

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NOT UP-TO-DATE

Penelope: "What made George and Alice break their engagement?"

Clarissa: "He complained that she was too 'Effeminate' for the present day."

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"Some wise person once said that silence was golden, did he not?"

"I believe so. Why?"

"I was just thinking how extravagant some women are."

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NOT RESTRICTED

"That gentleman who is being introduced to Miss Binks is a free thinker."

"Which is he, a bachelor or a widower?"

*         *         *

John: "Yew wait here, Mirandy, while I buy your ticket."

Mirandy: "Daon't yew dew it, John; yew can't say fer sure that the train'll show up—I don't never believe in payin' fer a thing 'til I git it."

*         *         *

The Wife: "Oh, you needn't sneer! I mean every word I say."

"I'm not sneering, my dear. I'm just thinking what a lot you must mean."

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The Escort: Who's that fellow who seems to know you?

The Lady: Only a second cousin once removed.

The Escort: Hm! Well, he looks as if he wanted removing again.

*         *         *

Voice (far off): Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo! Cuc-koo!

Satiated Camper: All right, all right! Who's arguing about it?

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A GREAT ATHLETE

Micky Bryan and Patsy Kelly had been schoolmates together, but they had drifted apart in after life. They met one day, and the conversation turned on athletics.

"Did ye ivir meet my bruther Dennis?" asked Pat. "He has just won a gold medal in a foot race."

"Bedad," replied Mike. "Sure, an' thot's foine. But did I ivir tell ye about my uncle at Ballycluna?"

"I don't remember," replied Pat.

"Well," said Mike, "he's got a gold medal for five miles, an' one for ten miles, two sets of carvers for cycling, a silver medal for swimming, two cups for wrestling, an' badges for boxing an' rowing!"

"Begorra," said Pat, "he must have bin a wonderful athlete, indade!"

"Shure, an' he's no athlete at all—at all," came the reply. "He kapes the pawnshop!"

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NOTHING NEW TO HIM

The motor car was driven by a determined young woman, who had knocked down a man without injuring him much.

She did not try to get away. Instead, she stopped the car, descended to the solid earth and faced him manfully.

"I'm sorry it happened," she said grudgingly, "but it was all your fault. You must have been walking carelessly. I'm an experienced driver. I've been driving a car for seven years."

"Well," replied her victim angrily, "I'm not a novice myself. I've been walking for fifty-seven years."

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Lady (to pedlar): "No, thank you, we never buy anything at the door."

Pedlar: "Then I've just the thing for you, Madam. You will, I am sure, appreciate these tasteful little 'No Pedlars' notices."

*         *         *

There is a lot to be said for the cheap car, we read. Yes; but it is just as well not to say it when there are women and children around.

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Mother: It is rude to whisper, Humphrey.

Humphrey (aged five): Well, I was saying what a funny nose that man's got. So you see it would have been much ruder if I'd said it aloud.

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She (pouting): You don't value my kisses as you used to.

He: Value them? Why, before we were married I used to expect a dozen in payment for a box of candy, and now I consider only one of them sufficient payment for a new dress.

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KNOWLEDGE

The son of the family was home on his first vacation since he had attained to the dignity of college prefect. He and his father were discussing affairs of the day, and finally the boy remarked: "Say, Guv, I hope when I am as old as you are, I'll know more than you do."

"I'll go you one better, my boy," the father replied. "I hope that when you are that old you will know as much as you think you do now."

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A HUMBLING SIGHT

An old Scotchwoman, who had resisted all entreaties of her friends to have her photo taken, was at last induced to employ the services of a local artist in order to send her likeness to a son in America. On receiving the first impression she failed to recognise the figure thereon depicted as herself; so, card in hand, she set out for the artist's studio to ask if there was no mistake.

"Is that me?" she queried.

"Yes, madam," replied the artist.

"And is it like me?" she again asked.

"Yes, madam; it's a speaking likeness."

"Aweel!" she said, resignedly, "it's a humblin' sicht."

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Dollie: Yes, Miss Fethers is a pretty girl, but she doesn't wear very well.

Pollie (kindly): I know, but the poor