Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

     *         * THE SECRET

The Man of Theory: "The great secret of happiness lies in being content with one's lot."

The Man of Practice: "But it has to be a whole lot."

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WANTS HER RIGHTS

He: "There is nothing like experience after all. She is our greatest teacher."

She: "And there is no holding back her salary, either."

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"And are you a good needlewoman and renovator, and willing to be useful?"

"Madam, I am afraid there is some misunderstanding. I am a lady's maid—not a useful maid."

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GETTING BACK

Customer to Palmist: "Five dollars fee? Er—would you have any objection to waiting until I get some of the money you say is coming to me?"

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Betty: "Mummy, does God send us our food?"

Mother: "Yes, dear; of course He does."

Betty: "But what a price!"

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DURING VACATION

The Summer Girl: "It pains me to be compelled to say so, but I really cannot become engaged to you."

The Summer Man: "Well—er—could you manage to be a sister to me for a couple of weeks?"

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NOT UNIQUE

He: "Crowded, were you? I thought you went early to avoid the rush."

She: "So I did; but about five thousand other people did the same thing."

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A NOBLE AIM

She: "Have you heard anything about the woman's Reform Club?"

"Yes, its object seems to be to reform everything except the Club and everybody except the members."

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ONCE TOO OFTEN

"Yes, dear, I'm going out to-night. I've been asked to take supper with an old comrade in arms."

"By the way, darling, how many men did your regiment muster?"

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"Phwat's the matter wid yez, Regan? Yez look hurted."

"Faith! Lasht noight Oi tould Casey phwat Oi thought av him, an' ut appears he thought worse av me."

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CAUSE AND EFFECT

"What a lot of suffering these ambulance surgeons must witness."

"Yes, indeed! Almost every time they go out they run over some one."

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"He's a nice little horse (I saw him myself) and the dealer says I may have him for a song. Would you advise me to buy him?"

"That depends upon your eye for a horse and his ear for music."

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SYMPATHY

Freddie (aged six): "Mother, you know that lovely purse you gave me for my birfday?"

His Mother: "Yes, dear! What of it?"

Freddie: "It makes me feel orful to think of it just lyin' in the drawer 'ithout a cent in its stummick."

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SLIGHTED

"I sincerely regret our misunderstanding, Florence, and am quite ready to be friends again."

"Misunderstanding, indeed! If you had any feeling you'd call it a quarrel."

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GOING FURTHER

Flora: "I think that Maud has been awfully mean to you. If I were you I'd get even with her."

Dora: "Getting even with her won't satisfy me. I'm going to get uneven with her."

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GETTING ON

Old Gentleman: "Well, children! and what are you learning at school?"

Small Boy: "Oh, she's learning to make paper dolls and I'm learning to knock spots out of Willie Jones."

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LITERALLY

He: "I understand that she fairly threw herself at him."

She: "Yes! They met in an automobile collision."

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AN EXTENSIVE LOVE

She: "They say that he fairly worships the ground she walks on."

He: "That's saying a good deal when you consider what a golf fiend she is."

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CAUSE AND EFFECT

"The way those people flaunt their money fairly makes me ill."

"Sour grapes always did have that effect."

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NO DISSENSION

Mrs. Storme: "How is your Debating Society getting along?"

Mrs. Karn: "Very well. We have forty members, and we all agree beautifully."

*         *         *

"Why are they not speaking?"

"They quarreled about which loved the other the more."

"Well!"

"And now each is afraid to give in for fear of offending the other."

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IN KEEPING

"I really believe he married her only because he wanted a good housekeeper."

"And now I suppose he wishes he could give her a month's warning."

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HE KNEW

She: "I never saw a married couple who got on so well together as Mr. and Mrs. Rigby."

He: "Humph! I know! Each of them does exactly as she likes."

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ARRANGED TO FIT

Elsie: "Mummy! if I wuz a fairy I'd change every-fing into cake, an' eat it all up."

Mother: "I'm afraid such a lot of cake would make you sick."

Elsie: "Oh! but I'd change myself into a Nelephant first."

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PROBABLY

"I want to buy you something useful for your birthday. What can you suggest?"

"Oh! I think a really useful diamond ring would do as well as anything."

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SURE SIGNS

"Afraid you're going to have insomnia? What are the symptoms?"

"Twins."

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SUCH A WASTE

Mrs. Bizzy: "I am so sorry to hear that your wife has been throwing the crockery at you again, Casey. Where did she hit you?"

Casey: "Faith, Ma'am! That's what Oi do be afther complainin' av. 'Twas a whole set av dishes broke to pieces an' she niver hit me wanst."

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TOO ONE-SIDED

"What is the use of quarreling, my dear girl? Let us forgive and forget."

"That is just the trouble. I am always forgiving, and you are always forgetting."

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DISCRETION

Miss Bizzy: "I am glad to hear that you are married, O'Brien, and hope that you and Bridget don't have many differences of opinion."

O'Brien: "Faith, ma'am, we have a good many, but Oi don't let her know about them."

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BETTER UNSAID

Cholly Lyttlebrayne: "Yes, the doctors saved my life, but it cost me over a thousand dollars."

Miss Thotless: "Oh! Mr. Lyttlebrayne, what extravagance!"

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LETTING HIM KNOW

Flora: "I'm writing to tell Jack that I didn't mean what I said in my last letter."

Dora: "What did you say in your last letter?"

Flora: "That I didn't mean what I said in the one before."

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WHY, INDEED

The Husband: "Why is it that women always say, 'I'll be ready in two seconds'?"

The Wife: "Humph! and why is it that men always say, 'Oh! I'm ready now'?"

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Madge: "Have you given Jack your final answer yet?"

Mabel: "Not yet—but I have given him my final 'No.'"

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ONLY THEIR WAY

First Lady (effusively): "I am more than charmed to see you, my dear Mrs.—er—um—."

Second Lady (more effusively): "How lovely of you! So am I delighted. I do hope we'll meet again very, very soon, my dearest Mrs.—um—er—."

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INADVERTENT

Prospective Bride: "I am glad I decided to be married in a traveling dress—a wedding dress costs such a lot."

Dressmaker: "Yes, miss, and the next time you wanted to wear it, it would be out of fashion."

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MAKING SURE

"Papa, the Earl wants me to send him a photograph to show to his parents."

"I thought he had dozens of your photos."

"Yes, but he wants a photo of your certified check."

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MORE DESPERATE STILL

She: "Oh! there's no use of my giving you any hope, because I cannot believe in love in a cottage."

He: "But I've known cases of love in a four-room flat, with steam-heat and all improvements."

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SYMPATHY

The Tabby-Cat: "I am just heart-broken! I had six of the loveliest kittens, and they went and gave one away!"

The Parrot: "Wasn't it too bad of them—to go and break the set?"

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POPULAR OPINION

First Burglar: "Say, Bill, de doctor what fixed de leg I broke doin' dat second-story job didn't do a t'ing but soak me fifty plunks!"

Second Burglar: "Oh, say, wasn't that robbery?"

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MORE OPPORTUNITY

The Wife: "Really, my dear, you are awfully extravagant. Our neighbor, Mr. Flint, is just twice as self-denying as you are."

The Husband: "But he has just twice as much money to be self-denying with."

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"Jacky, dear, your hands are frightfully dirty."

"Not 'frightfully,' mummy. A lot of that's shading."

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The Ant: "Well, we've struck!"

The Gnat: "What for?"

The Ant: "Longer hours."

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Effie: "George and I have been down-stairs in the dining-room, Mr. Mitcham. We've been playing Husband and Wife!"

Mr. Mitcham: "How did you do that, my dear?"

Effie: "Why, Georgy sat at one end of the table, and I sat at the other; and Georgy said, 'This food isn't fit to eat!' and I said, 'It's all you'll get!' and Georgy said, 'Damn!' and I got up and left the room!"

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NOT WHAT SHE MEANT

She: "I am sorry to hear that they have separated. Is there no chance of their becoming reconciled?"

He: "Oh, they seem to be quite reconciled."

*         *         *

He: "By the bye, talking of old times, do you remember that occasion when I made such an awful ass of myself?"

She: "Which?"

*         *         *

Jones (who is of an inquiring mind): "Ain't you getting tired of hearing people say, 'That is the beautiful Miss Belsize!'?"

Miss Belsize (a professional beauty): "Oh, no. I'm getting tired of hearing people say, 'Is that the beautiful Miss Belsize?'"

*         *         *

Mrs. Montague Smart (suddenly, to bashful youth, who has not opened his lips since he was introduced to her a quarter of an hour ago): "And now let us talk of something else!"

*         *         *

Mamma: "It's very late, Emily. Has anybody taken you down to supper?"

Fair Debutante (who has a fine healthy appetite): "Oh, yes, Mamma—several people!"

*         *         *

Guest: "Well, good-bye, Old Man!—and you've really got a very nice little place here!"

Host: "Yes; but it's rather bare, just now. I hope the trees will have grown a good bit before you're back, Old Man!"

*         *         *

She: "No! I can't give you another dance. But I'll introduce you to the prettiest girl in the room!"

He: "But I don't want to dance with the prettiest girl