Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

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"You discharged your office boy?"

"Yes," said Dr. Dubwaite. "He never did anything but stand around and look wise."

"I guess you've seen the last of him."

"I don't know about that. He may turn up here some day as an efficiency expert."

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"But why don't you think he will propose soon?"

"Well, he gave me a box of stationery yesterday with my initials on it—such a lot, so I know it's all over between us."

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PERFECT AGREEMENT

Mother: "Hush! You two children are always quarrelling. Why can't you agree once in a while?"

Georgia: "We do agree, mamma. Edith wants the largest apple and so do I."

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She: Jack is in love with you.

Her: Nonsense!

She: That's what I said when I heard it.

Her: How dared you!

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Professor (endeavoring to impress on class the definition of cynic): Young man, what would you call a man who pretends to know everything?

Senior: A professor!

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A young lady who was inspecting bicycles, said to the clerk:

"What's the name of this wheel?"

"That is the Belvedere," answered the salesman.

He was rewarded by a stony glance and the icy question:

"Can you recommend the Belva?"

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"What this country needs is more production."

"What this country needs," replied Farmer Corntassel, with a slight trace of irritation, "is less talk about what it needs and more enthusiasm about deliverin' the goods."

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BOTTLED COURAGE

"Is this stuff guaranteed to make a rabbit slap a bulldog in the face?"

"My dear sir," said the bootlegger, with a pained expression. "This stuff will make a tenant snap his fingers under his landlord's nose."

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"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.

"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

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IT WORKED

A tramp entered a baker's, shivering piteously.

"A loaf, please, mum," he said, placing the money on the counter. The woman gave him one. As he took it, he said with shaking voice:

"Where's the nearest hospital, mum, please?"

"The nearest hospital!" she ejaculated.

"Yes, mum, I'm feeling bad. I believe I'm sickening for something; the scarlet fever, I think."

"What!" she shrieked. "Get out of my shop."

He turned to obey.

"Here, take your money back," she said. He did so; and, offering the bread, said humbly:

"You'll take yer loaf, won't yer, mum?"

"Get out of my shop."

He crawled out, and with bowed head went around the corner. Presently, another mountain of misery joined him.

"Well, Bill?" he said.

"Right oh! 'Enery," came the answer. "It worked a treat. Now you do it fer a bit o' bacon, and then we can have lunch."

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FILM FEVER

Nurse: "You were very naughty in church, Guy. Do you know where little boys and girls go to who don't put their pennies in the collection box?"

Guy: "Yes, nurse; to the pictures."

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THE DRUGGIST'S TURN

The druggist danced and chortled till the bottles danced on the shelves.

"What's up?" asked the soda clerk. "Have you been taking something?"

"No. But do you remember when our water pipes were frozen last winter?"

"Yes, but what—"

"Well, the plumber who fixed them has just come in to have a prescription filled."

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WRONG BROTHER

A wealthy gentleman has a brother who is hard of hearing, while he himself is remarkable for having a very prominent nose.

Once, this gentleman dined at a friend's house, where he sat between two young ladies who talked to him very loudly, rather to his annoyance.

Finally one of them shouted a commonplace remark and then said in an ordinary tone to the other:

"Did you ever see such an ugly nose?"

"Pardon me, ladies," said the gentleman. "It is my brother who is deaf."

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A candidate for Congress from a certain Western state was never shy about telling the voters why they should send him to Washington. "I am a practical farmer," he said, boastfully, at one meeting. "I can plow, reap, milk cows, shoe a horse—in fact, I should like you to tell me one thing about a farm which I can not do." Then, in the impressive silence, a voice asked from the back of the hall: "Can you lay an egg?"

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Doctor: "You are a great deal better this morning, I see. You followed my directions, and that prescription did the business—what, you haven't taken any of it?"

Patient: "No; it says on the label, 'Keep the bottle tightly corked.'"

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"And about the salary?" said the movie star.

"Well," said the manager, "suppose we call it $5,000 a week."

"All right."

"Of course, you understand that the $5,000 is merely what we call it—you will get $500."

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Prospective Employer: I suppose you have some experience of live stock?

Applicant for Post: Well, I ain't ever looked after 'orses, nor milked cows, and never 'andled poultry; but I've bred canaries.

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A Scotchman had been presented with a pint flask of rare old Scotch whiskey. He was walking briskly along the road toward home, when along came a Ford which he did not sidestep quite in time. It threw him down and hurt his leg quite badly. He got up and limped down the road. Suddenly he noticed that something warm and wet was trickling down his leg.

"Oh, Lord," he groaned, "I hope that's blood!"

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Mr. Graham: "Do you know, Miss F., if I had my way, I'd put every woman in jail!"

Miss F.: "Why, Mr. Graham, I'm surprised. I didn't know you felt that way about us! What sort of a nation do you think this would be, if you put all the women in jail?"

Mr. Graham: "Stag-nation, of course!"

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GUILTY

Sister: "Hubby received an anonymous letter this morning informing him of something I did before we were married."

Brother: "Well, the best thing you can do is to confess."

Sister: "I know it, but he won't let me read the letter and I don't know what to confess."

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"I'd like to see the man who could persuade me to promise to love, honour and obey him," said Miss Wellontheway.

"I don't blame you," remarked the newly-made bride.

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"Huh! Yuh talks 'bout sassiety like yuh knows so much 'bout it. Niggah, I bet dey don' eben have evenin' dresses whah yuh come frum."

"Zat so? Dey's doin' well to have evenin's whah yuh come frum."

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Second-story Worker: "Hullo, Bill, I see you got a new overcoat. What did it cost you?"

Burglar: "Six months. I never wears cheap clothes!"

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The sweet young thing was being shown through the boiler shop.

"What's that thing?" she asked, pointing with a dainty parasol.

"That's an engine boiler," said the guide.

"And why do they boil engines?" she inquired.

"To make the engine tender," replied the resourceful guide.

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He was a Scot, with the usual characteristics of his race. Wishing to know his fate, he telegraphed a proposal of marriage to the girl of his choice. After waiting all day at the telegraph office he received the affirmative answer late at night.

"Well, if I were you," said the operator, "I'd think twice before I married the girl who kept me waiting for an answer so long."

"Na, Na?" said the Scot. "The girl for me is the girl who waits for the night rates."

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TOO ENTHUSIASTIC

Wifey: "Henry, do you think me an angel?"

Hubby: "Why, certainly, my dear. I'm very enthusiastic. I think all women are angels!"

"You needn't be so enthusiastic as all that!"

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BAD BOTH WAYS

Dobb: "What's that piece of cord tied around your finger for?"

Botham: "My wife put it there to remind me to post her letter."

"And did you post it?"

"No; she forgot to give it to me!"

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HIS LITTLE MISTAKE

A certain country vicar who used to distribute books to his parishioners as reading material, one day, deciding to surprise them, gave them each a Bible neatly wrapped up in brown paper. A few days later he called round on each of his flock, and the first place he called at was the village butcher's.

"Well, Mr. Simson," he said, "how did you like that little book I gave you the other day?"

Simson was rather taken aback at the query, for, truth to tell, the little book still remained in its brown paper wrapping somewhere under the counter.

"Splendid!" lied Simson bravely, "but," he added, in a burst of confidence, "it ended like they all end."

"Oh!" exclaimed the vicar, "in what way?"

And Simson, thinking he was on safe ground, replied, "Why, they lived happy ever after."

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"Your wife looks stunning to-night. Her gown is a poem."

"What do you mean, poem?" replied the struggling author. "That gown is two poems and a short story."

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TOUGH ON THE SENATOR

The Senator was back home, looking after his political fences, and asked the minister about some of his old acquaintances.

"How is old Mr. Jones?" he inquired. "Will I be likely to see him to-day?"

"You'll never see Mr. Jones again," said the minister. "He has gone to heaven."

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REDEEMING TRAIT

"I know I'm old, but I'm crazy about you," stated Mr. Moneybags. "When I go I'll leave all my fortune to you if you'll have me."

"Have you any bad habits?" asked Miss Goldielocks, thoughtfully.

"Only that I walk in my sleep, if you could call that a bad habit."

"You dear old thing. Of course I'll marry you. And we'll have our honeymoon on the top floor of some tall hotel, won't we?"

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OFF

There was a distinct air of chastened resignation about him, as he penned the following note:

"Dear Miss Brown,—I return herewith your kind note in which you accept my offer of marriage. I would draw your attention to the fact that it begins 'Dear George.' I do not know who George is, but my name, as you will remember, is Thomas."

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NOT A FATHER

A Protestant Episcopal clergyman was walking down a city street wearing the garb of his profession. He was seen by two Irish boys.

"Good morning, Father," said one of the boys.

"Hush, he ain't no father," said the other, "he's got a wife and two kids."

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WEDDING DECLARED OFF

John Willie (pleadingly): "Why can't we be married right away, Elsie?"

Elsie (coyly): "Oh, I can't bear to leave father alone just now."

John Willie (earnestly): "But, my darling, he has had you such a very long time."

Elsie (freezingly): "Sir!"

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