Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

>*         *         * TALKING SENSE

"Darling," he asked, as he drew his fiancée closer to him, "am I the first man you have ever kissed?"

"William," replied the American girl, somewhat testily, "before we go any further I would like to ask you a few questions. You are, no doubt, fully aware that my father is a millionaire something like ten times over, aren't you?"

"Y-yes."

"You understand, no doubt, that when he dies all of his vast fortune will be left to me?"

"Y-yes."

"You know that I have a quarter of a million dollars in cash in my name at the bank?"

"Y-yes."

"And own two and a half million dollars' worth of property?"

"Y-yes."

"That my diamonds are insured to the value of a quarter of a million dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"My horses and motor-cars are worth seventy-five thousand dollars?"

"Y-yes."

"Then, for goodness' sake, talk sense! What difference would it make to you if I had been kissed by a thousand men before I met you?"

*         *         *

A MAGIC HEALER

During an exciting game of football a player had two fingers of his right hand badly smashed, and on his way home from the ground he dropped into the doctor's to have them attended to.

"Doctor," he asked, anxiously. "When this hand of mine heals, will I be able to play the piano?"

"Certainly you will," the doctor assured him.

"Then you're a wonder, doctor. I never could before."

*         *         *

SHE TOOK THEM

"I don't know whether I like these photos or not," said the young woman. "They seem rather indistinct."

"But, you must remember, madam," said the wily photographer, "that your face is not at all plain."

*         *         *

BUT HE'S ON HIS WAY

Uncle Tom arrived at the station with the goat he was to ship north, but the freight agent was having difficulty in billing him.

"What's this goat's destination, Uncle?" he asked.

"Suh?"

"I say, what's his destination? Where's he going?"

Uncle Tom searched carefully for the tag. A bit of frayed cord was all that remained.

"Dat ornery goat!" he exploded wrathfully. "Yo' know, suh, dat iggorant goat done completely et up his destination."

*         *         *

HER MATCH

Tommy: "What's an echo, pa?"

Pa: "An echo, my son, is the only thing that can deprive a woman of the last word."

*         *         *

"Why is it you never get to the office on time in the morning?" demanded the boss angrily.

"It's like this, boss," explained the tardy one; "you kept telling me not to watch the clock during office hours, and I got so I didn't watch it at home either."

*         *         *

SCIENTIFIC PROOF

One day a teacher was having a first-grade class in physiology. She asked them if they knew that there was a burning fire in the body all of the time. One little girl spoke up and said:

"Yes'm; when it is a cold day, I can see the smoke."

*         *         *

Bolshie Tubthumper: Yaas, there didn't ought to be no poor. We all ought to be wealthy, and the wealthy starvin' like us!

*         *         *

Sunday School Teacher: Now, Alfred, if you are always kind and polite to your playmates, what will be the result?

Alfred: They'll think they can lick me!

*         *         *

A NATURAL PICTURE

A man and his eldest son went to have their photographs taken together, and the photographer said to the young man, "It will make a better picture if you put your hand on your father's shoulder."

"H'm," said the father, "it would make a more natural picture if he put it in my pocket."

*         *         *

NOTHING TO SMILE AT

A Londoner was telling funny stories to a party of commercial men.

An old Scotsman, sitting in a corner seat, apparently took not the smallest notice, and no matter how loud the laughter, went on quietly reading his paper. This exasperated the story-teller, until at last he said: "I think it would take an inch auger to put a joke into a Scotsman's head."

A voice from behind the paper replied: "Ay, man, but it wid need tae hae a finer point than ony o' yer stories, a'm thinking!"

*         *         *

DREW BLANK

The MacTavish was not a mean man. No; he just knew the value of money.

So, when the MacTavish developed a sore throat he meditated fearfully upon the expenditure of a doctor's fee. As an alternative he hung about for a day and a half outside the local doctor's establishment. Finally he managed to catch the great man.

"Say, doctor! Hoo's beez-ness wi' ye the noo?"

"Oh, feyr, feyr!"

"A s'pose ye've a deal o' prescribin' tae dae fer coolds an' sair throats?"

"Ay!"

"An' what dae ye gin'rally gie fer a sair throat?"

"Naethin'," replied the canny old doctor, "I dinna' want a sair throat."

*         *         *

A FRIEND IN NEED

What true friendship consists in depends on the temperament of the man who has a friend. It is related that at the funeral of Mr. Scroggs, who died extremely poor, the usually cold-blooded Squire Tightfist was much affected.

"You thought a great deal of him, I suppose?" some one asked him.

"Thought a great deal of him? I should think I did. There was a true friend. He never asked me to lend him a cent, though I knew well enough he was starving to death."

*         *         *

WHAT HE PREFERRED

He was one of the few remaining old-time darkies. He had finished the odd jobs for which he had been employed, and, hat in hand, appeared at the back door.

"How much is it, uncle?" he was asked.

"Yo' say how much? Jest whatever yo' say, missus."

"Oh, but I would rather you'd say how much," the lady of the house replied.

"Yas, ma'am! But, ma'am, Ah'd rather hab de seventy-five cents yo 'would gimme dan de fifty cents Ah'd charge yo'."

*         *         *

READY TO JOIN

Minister: Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?

Miss Ala Mode: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the fox trot?

*         *         *

HELPFUL PA!

He: Do you think your father would be willing to help me in the future?

She: Well, I heard him say he felt like kicking you into the middle of next week.

*         *         *

"Daughter," said the old man, sternly, "I positively forbid you marrying this young scapegrace! He is an inveterate poker player!"

"But, papa," tearfully protested Alicia Hortense, "poker playing is not such an awful habit. Why, at your own club——"

"That's where I got my information, daughter. I'll have no daughter of mine bringing home a man that I can't beat with a flush, a full house, and fours."

*         *         *

"I think, Lucille, I'll take one of the children to the park with me. Which one do you think would go best with this dress?"

*         *         *

HE KNEW

Mr. and Mrs. Smith had been invited to a friend's for tea, and the time had arrived for preparing for the visit. "Come along, dearie," said Mr. Smith to her three-year-old son, "and have your face washed."

"Don't want to be washed," came the reply.

"But," said mother, "you don't want to be a dirty boy, do you? I want my little boy to have a nice, clean face for the ladies to kiss."

Upon this persuasion he gave way, and was washed. A few minutes later he stood watching his father washing. "Ha, ha, daddy!" he cried, "I know why you're washing!"

*         *         *

THEY WILT

"Which weeds are the easiest to kill?" asked young Flickers of Farmer Sassfras, as he watched that good man at his work.

"Widow's weeds," replied the farmer. "You have only to say 'Wilt thou?' and they wilt."

*         *         *

NOT STRONG ENOUGH

Muriel, aged four, was taken by her governess to have tea with an aunt. Presently she began to eat a piece of very rich cake.

"Oh, I just love this chocolate cake!" she exclaimed. "It's awfully nice."

"Muriel, dear," corrected her governess, "it is wrong to say you 'love' cake, and I've frequently pointed out that 'just' is wrongly used in such a sentence. Again, 'awfully' is quite wrong, 'very' would be more correct, dear. Now repeat your remark, please."

Muriel obediently repeated: "I like chocolate cake; it is very good."

"That's better, dear," said the governess, approvingly.

"But it sounds as if I was talking about bread," protested the little girl.

*         *         *

WHY HE PICKED PICTISH

An English mother was visiting her son at college.

"Well, dear," she said, "what languages did you decide to take?"

"I have decided to take Pictish, mother," he replied.

"Pictish?" said the puzzled lady. "Why Pictish?"

"Only five words of it remain," he said.

*         *         *

PLAYED THEM BOTH UP

A small boy was playing with an iron hoop in the street, when suddenly it bounced through the railings and broke the kitchen window of one of the areas. The lady of the house waited with anger in her eyes for the appearance of the hoop's owner. He arrived.

"Please, I've broken your window," he said, "and father's come to mend it."

Sure enough the boy was followed by a man, who at once set to work, while the boy, taking his hoop, ran off. The window finished, the man said:

"That'll be three shillings, mum."

"Three shillings!" gasped the woman. "But your son broke it. The little fellow with the hoop. You're his father, aren't you?"

The man shook his head.

"Never seen him before," he said. "He came round to my place and said his mother wanted her window mended. You're his mother, aren't you?"

And the good woman could only shake her head; for once words failed her.

*         *         *

JUSTICE AT LAST

It was the usual domestic storm.

"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" moaned wifey in tears. "I wish I'd taken poor mother's advice, and never married you!"

Hubby, the strong, silent man, swung round on her quickly, and at last found voice.

"Did your mother try to stop you marrying me?" he demanded.

Wifey nodded violently.

A look of deep remorse crossed hubby's face.

"Great Scott," he cried, in broken tones, "how I wronged that woman!"

*         *         *

IN ORDER TO BE FILLED

Two negroes were working in a coal-bin in a Mississippi town, one down in the bin throwing out the coal and the other wielding a shovel. The one inside picked up a large lump and heaving it carelessly into the air, struck the other a resounding blow on the head.

As soon as the victim had recovered from his momentary daze he walked over to the edge of the bin and, peering down at his mate, said:

"Nigger, how come you don't watch where you throws dat coal? You done hit me smack on de haid."

The other one looked surprised.

"Did I hit you?"

"You sho' did," came the answer. "And I jes' wants to tell you, I've been promising the debil a man a long time, and you certainly does resemble my promise."

*         *         *

"And