Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

bumped her shoulder. She glared at him, feeling it was done intentionally.

"Well," he growled, "don't eat me up."

"You are in no danger, sir," she said. "I am a Jewess."

*         *         *

Sam, on board the transport, had just been issued his first pair of hobnails. "One thing suah," he ruminated. "If Ah falls overboard, Ah suttinly will go down at 'tenshun."

*         *         *

BLOOD RELATIONS

Actor: "Are these poor relations of yours blood relations?"

Fulpurse: "Yes; they are ever bleeding me."

*         *         *

There had been a collision near Euston Station between a timber-cart and a cab.

The cart-driver said, with mock sympathy: "Oh, well, you can't help it! You're doin' yer bit, you an' yer 'orse and yer blankety cabs all over age!"

"You're doin' yer bit, too, ain't yer?" was the cabby's rejoinder, "a'carrying of two lots o' wood—one in yer cart an' the other under yer blinkin' 'at!"

*         *         *

SCOTCHED!

A parsimonious farmer notorious for the small rations he doled out to his employees, said to a farmhand eating his breakfast,

"Jock, there's a fly in yer parritch."

"That disna' matter," replied Jock gloomily, "it'll no' droon."

The farmer stared at him. "What do ye mean?" he asked angrily; "that's as much as sayin' ye hav'na' enough mulk."

"Oh," replied Jock still more gloomily, "there's mair than enough for all the parritch I have."

*         *         *

THE BRUTE!

Mrs. Newlywed: "What does that inscription mean on that ring you gave me, Archie?"

Mr. Newlywed: "'Faithful to the last,' my dear!"

Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh! how could you? You always said I was the first."

*         *         *

THE WHOLE TRUTH

Angus, a mason, was slipping out of the yard to get a "refresher" during working hours, when he suddenly ran into the boss.

"Hallo!" said the boss, pleasantly, "were you looking for me?"

"Ay," answered Angus, "I wis looking for ye, but I didna' want tae see ye."

*         *         *

THE CONSUMER INFLAMED

"Ever get any nice butter?" queried old Grumpy.

"Supply in every day," replied his provision merchant suavely.

"Then why in thunder don't you sell it?" asked Grumpy.

*         *         *

HOW HE DID IT

First Theatrical Manager: "Do you have any trouble with the girl who is playing the flapper in your new show?"

Second Theatrical Manager: "No; if she attempts to be skittish I just threaten to publish the photographs of her two sons who are lieutenants in the army."

*         *         *

REALITY

A man, who is the father of a year-old youngster, met his pastor on Sunday afternoon.

"Why weren't you at church this morning?" was the first question of the spiritual adviser.

"I couldn't come," was the answer. "I had to stop at home and mind the baby; our nurse is ill."

"That's no excuse," said the pastor.

"It isn't? Well, next Sunday I'll bring him to church with me and see how you like it."

*         *         *

PURE CARELESSNESS

It was visiting day at the prison and the uplifters were on deck.

"My good man," said one kindly lady, "I hope that since you have come here you have had time for meditation and have decided to correct your faults."

"I have that, mum," replied the prisoner in heartfelt tones. "Believe me, the next job I pull, this baby wears gloves."

*         *         *

A LEVEL-HEADED CAR

Irate Motorist: "Say, this darned car won't climb a hill! You said it was a fine machine!"

Dealer: "I said: 'On the level it's a good car.'"

*         *         *

SUSPICIOUS

It was while on manœuvres in rural England, and a soldier was being tried for the shooting of a chicken on prohibited ground.

"Look here, my man," said the commanding officer to the farmer who brought the accusation, "are you quite certain that this is the man who shot your bird? Will you swear to him?"

"No, I won't do that," replied the farmer, "but I will say he's the man I suspect o' doing it."

"That's not enough to convict a man," retorted the C. O., considerably nettled. "What raised your suspicions?"

"Well," replied the sturdy yeoman, "it was this way—I see 'im on my property with a gun; then I heerd the gun go off; then I see 'im putting the chicken in his knapsack; and it didn't seem sense nohow to think the bird committed suicide."

*         *         *

A WONDER!

"That fellow Jones is a hard-headed cuss," remarked Brown.

"That so?" asked Smith.

"Yes," replied Brown. "Why, he could read a patent medicine almanac and not have a solitary symptom of some disease."

*         *         *

IN A FIX

Mrs. Muggins: "It's raining, and Mrs. Goodsoul wants to go home, and I have no umbrella to lend her except my new guinea one. Can't I let her have yours?"

Mr. Muggins: "Hardly! The only umbrella I have got has her husband's name on the handle."

*         *         *

SUCKED!

It was a very wet night, so Bill and his sweetheart decided to visit the picture palace.

On the way she evidently was annoyed with her lover, for she turned to him, and said, angrily, "Aw wish tha would gie up sucking thi teeth; it's so rude when people are about!"

"Don't thee talk so silly," he replied in aggrieved tones. "It's my rubber 'eel pads that's causing that noise!"

*         *         *

HALF AND HALF

Mrs. Murphy is very fat, and the other day, laden with parcels and packages, she was trying to mount the steps of a Dublin tramcar. Helplessly looking on, stood the conductor, a diminutive little chap.

Mrs. Murphy, having reached the platform, said, with a glance of withering scorn: "If ye was half a man ye would have helped me up."

The little conductor calmly replied: "Shure, ma'am, if ye was half a woman I would!"

*         *         *

REVENGE IS SWEET

"Yes," proudly announced the ex-captain, who is manager of a new seaside hotel, "all our employees are former Service men, every one of them. The reception clerk is an old infantry man, the waiters have all been non-coms., the chef was a mess-sergeant, the house doctor was a base hospital surgeon, the house-detective was an intelligence man; even the pages were cadets."

"And have you any former military police?" he was asked.

"Yes," he replied joyously. "When there's a good stiff wind blowing we set them to clean the outsides of the windows on the eighth floor!"

*         *         *

NO EFFECT

"You tell me," said the judge, "that this is the person who knocked you down with his motor-car. Could you swear to the man?"

"I did," returned the complainant, eagerly, "but he only swore back at me and drove on."

*         *         *

A FUTURE FINANCIER

"Ma," exclaimed young Teddie, bursting into the house, "Mrs. Johnson said she would give me a penny if I told her what you said about her!"

"I never heard of such a thing!" answered his mother indignantly. "You're a very good boy not to have told! I wouldn't have her think I even mentioned her. Here's an apple, sonny, for being such a wise little lad!"

"I should think I am, ma! When she showed me the penny I told her that what you said was something awful, and worth sixpence at least!"

*         *         *

A BAD CASE

"Rather absent-minded, isn't he?"

"Extremely so. Why, the other night when he got home he knew there was something he wanted to do, but he couldn't remember what it was until he had sat up over an hour trying to think."

"And did he finally remember it?"

"Yes, he discovered that he wanted to go to bed early."

*         *         *

BLACK SUPERSTITION

Architect: "Have you any suggestions for the study, Mr. Quickrich?"

Quickrich: "Only that it must be brown. Great thinkers, I understand, are generally found in a brown study."

*         *         *

HALF A DUCK DEEP

Coming to a river with which he was unfamiliar, a traveller asked a youngster if it was deep.

"No," replied the boy, and the rider started to cross, but soon found that he and his horse had to swim for their lives.

When the traveller reached the other side he turned and shouted: "I thought you said it wasn't deep?"

"It isn't," was the reply; "it only takes grandfather's ducks up to their middles!"

*         *         *

COULDN'T RESIST IT

"Look here," began the youth, as he entered a butcher's shop, and displayed two lovely-looking black-and-blue eyes, "you have fresh beef for sale?"

"I have," responded the butcher.

"And fresh beef is good for black eyes, is it not?"

"It is."

"Very well. I have the eyes, you have the beef. Do you think you can sell me a pound or so without asking how I got ornamented?"

"I'll do my best, sir."

The butcher cut off the meat, and received his money without another look at his customer. At the last moment, however, the old Adam proved too strong for him.

"Look here," he said, handing back the cash, "I'll make you a present of the beef. Now tell me all about the fight."

*         *         *

"Do you know anything about palmistry, Herbert?" she asked.

"Oh, not much," he answered, "although I had an experience last night which might be considered a remarkable example of palmistry. I happened to glance at the hand of a friend, and I immediately predicted he would presently become the possessor of a considerable amount of money. Before he left the room he had a nice little sum handed to him."

"And you foretold that from his hand?"

"Yes, it had four aces in it."

*         *         *

Young Harold was late for Sunday-school and the minister inquired the cause. "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," announced the lad.

"That's the right kind of a father to have," replied the reverend gentleman. "Did he explain the reason why he would not let you go?"

"Yes, sir. He said there wasn't bait enough for two."

*         *         *

"My good man, you had better take the trolley car home."

"Sh' no ushe! My wife wouldn't let me—hic—keep it in th' house."

*         *         *

Mrs. Newlywed: "Oh, Jack, you left the kitchen door open and the draught has shut my cookery book, so that now I haven't the faintest idea what it is I'm cooking."

*         *         *

"Goin' in that house over there?" said the first tramp.

"I tried that house last week. I ain't goin' there any more," replied Tramp No. 2.

"'Fraid on account of the dog?"

"Me trousers are."

"Trousers are what?"

"Frayed on account of the dog."

*         *         *

A QUESTION OF LOCALITY

"Bobby," said the lady in the tramcar, severely, "why don't you get up and give your seat to your father? Doesn't it pain you to see him reaching for the strap?"

"Not in a car," said Bobby. "It does at home."

*         *         *

HER SOFT ANSWER

They had had their