Jokes For All Occasions, Anonymous [read books for money TXT] 📗

     *         * MISUNDERSTOOD

Mistress: "Don't call them jugs, Mary; they're ewers."

Maid: "Oh, thank you, ma'am. And are all them little basins mine, too?"

*         *         *

ALL BRAINS

A gentleman who was walking through a public gallery, where a number of artists were at work, overheard the following amusing conversation between a big, heavy-looking man, who was painting on a large picture, and a weak-looking little cripple, who, limping over to where he sat, looked over his shoulder for a few minutes, and said timidly:

"I beg your pardon, sir, may I ask what medium you paint with?"

"Brains," shouted the other in a voice of thunder.

"Oh, indeed! That accounts for its fogginess," which caused a roar of laughter.

*         *         *

THIRTEEN TO ONE

Just before the service the clergyman was called into the vestibule by a young couple, who asked that he should marry them. He answered he had not time then, but that if they would wait until after the sermon he would be glad to do so. Accordingly, just before the end of the service, he announced:

"Will those who wish to be married to-day please come forward?"

Thirteen women and one man quickly stepped up.

*         *         *

A GOOD ACTOR

Neighbour: "I hear that you had an actor employed on your farm."

Farmer: "Yes, and he's a fairly good actor, too. Why, I thought he was working the last week he was here."

*         *         *

TOO SAD FOR THAT

A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"

*         *         *

The swain and his swainess had just encountered a bulldog that looked as if his bite might be quite as bad as his bark. "Why, Percy," she exclaimed as he started a strategic retreat, "you always swore you would face death for me." "I would," he flung back over his shoulder, "but that darn dog ain't dead."

*         *         *

Wife (enthusiastically): I saw the most gorgeous chiffonier to-day, dear. But, of course, I know we can not afford——

Hubby (resignedly): When have they promised to deliver it?

*         *         *

REALISED

Lawyer: "When I was a boy my highest ambition was to be a pirate."

Client: "You're in luck. It isn't every man who can realise the dreams of his youth."

*         *         *

NEVER MISS ONE

Elder sister: "Oh, you fancy yourself very wise, I dare say; but I could give you a wrinkle or two."

Younger sister: "No doubt—and never miss them."

*         *         *

A BAD NIGHT

The boy who had "made good" in town asked his old mother to come to London. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel—one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the boy asked:

"Did you have a good night's rest?"

"Well, no, I didn't," she replied. "The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But I couldn't sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room!"

*         *         *

TRIPPED

The shaded lights, music in the distance, sweet perfumes from the costly flowers about them—everything was just right for a proposal, and Timkins decided to chance his luck. She was pretty, which was good, and also, he believed, an heiress, which was better.

"Are you not afraid that someone will marry you for your money?" he asked gently.

"Oh! dear, no," smiled the girl. "Such an idea never entered my head!"

"Ah! Miss Liscombe," he sighed, "in your sweet innocence you do not dream how coldly, cruelly mercenary some men are!"

"Perhaps I don't," replied the girl calmly.

"I would not for a moment have such a terrible fate befall you," he said passionately. "You are too good—too beautiful. The man who wins you should love you for yourself alone."

"He'll have to," the girl remarked. "It's my cousin Jennie who has the money—not I. You seem to have got us mixed. I haven't a penny myself."

"Oh—er!" stammered the young man, "what pleasant weather we are having, aren't we?"

*         *         *

THE GLOOMY GUEST

The best man noticed that one of the wedding guests, a gloomy-looking young man, did not seem to be enjoying himself. He was wandering about as though he had lost his last friend. The best man took it upon himself to cheer him up.

"Er—have you kissed the bride?" he asked by way of introduction.

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.

*         *         *

"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink."

*         *         *

A well-known admiral—a stickler for uniform—stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

*         *         *

First Little Girl: What's your last name, Annie?

Second Little Girl: Don't know yet; I ain't married.

*         *         *

Kloseman: I didn't see you in church last Sunday.

Keen: Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.

*         *         *

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah," said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem niggahs to see dat I'se got on gloves?"

*         *         *

Dad (sternly): Where were you last night?

Son: Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

Dad: Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.

*         *         *

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's dresses."

*         *         *

A bumptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer—that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."

*         *         *

Weary Willie slouched into the pawnshop. "How much will you give me for this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment. Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.

"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth a penny.'"

"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac. "Four dollars or nothing."

"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.

"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.

"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really worth."

*         *         *

NOT IN THE BUSINESS

"I'm not quite sure about your washing-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?"

"No, madam. We only do one week's washing."

*         *         *

HER VIEWS

Mrs. de Vere: "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!"

*         *         *

Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common."

*         *         *

A GOOD MATCH

Proprietor: "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"

Assistant: "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat."

*         *         *

LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM

Old Job: "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"

Old Steve: "Why not choose the latter and get both?"

*         *         *

He (just introduced): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!

She: Isn't he? That is Mr. Black.

He: How true it is, Mrs. Black, that the homely men always get the prettiest wives!

*         *         *

A customer entered the small-town barber shop. "How soon can you cut my hair?" he asked of the proprietor, who was seated in an easy chair, perusing the pages of a novel.

"Bill," said the barber, addressing his errand boy, "run over and tell the editor if he's done editin' the paper I'd like my scissors."

*         *         *

Pompous Publisher (to aspiring novice in literature): I have been reading your manuscript, my dear lady, and there is much in it, I think—ahem!—very good. But there are parts somewhat vague. Now, you should always write so that the most ignorant can understand.

Youthful Authoress (wishing to show herself most ready to accept advice): Oh, yes, I'm sure. But, tell me, which are the parts that have given you trouble?

*         *         *

FISHY RECORD

First Stenog. (reading): "Think of those Spaniards going 3,000 miles on a galleon!"

Second Stenog.: "Aw, forget it. Yuh can't believe all yuh hear about them foreign cars."

*         *         *

A group of tourists were looking over the inferno of Vesuvius in full eruption. "Ain't this just like hell?" ejaculated a Yank.

"Ah, zese Americans," exclaimed a Frenchman, "where have zey not been?"

*         *         *

"Lay down, pup. Lay down. That's a good doggie. Lay down, I tell you."

"Mister, you'll have to say, 'Lie down,' he's a Boston terrier."

*         *         *

Lady: Well, what do you want?

Tramp: Leddy, believe me, I'm no ordinary beggar. I was at the front——

Lady (with interest): Really——

Tramp: Yes, ma'am; but I couldn't make anybody hear, so I came round to the back.

*         *         *

"The doctor has ordered her to the seashore. Now they're having a consultation."

"Of doctors?"

"Of dressmakers."

*         *