The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, William Shakespeare [book recommendations based on other books txt] 📗

Hast thou no understandings for thy cases, and the numbers of the genders? Thou art as foolish Christian creatures as I would desires.

MRS. PAGE. Prithee hold thy peace.

EVANS. Show me now, William, some declensions of your pronouns.

WILLIAM. Forsooth, I have forgot.

EVANS. It is qui, quae, quod; if you forget your qui’s, your quae’s, and your quod’s, you must be preeches. Go your ways and play; go.

MRS. PAGE. He is a better scholar than I thought he was.

EVANS. He is a good sprag memory. Farewell, Mistress Page.

MRS. PAGE. Adieu, good Sir Hugh. Exit SIR HUGH

Get you home, boy. Come, we stay too long. Exeunt

SCENE 2.

 

FORD’S house

 

Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD

 

FALSTAFF. Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?

MRS. FORD. He’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.

MRS. PAGE. [Within] What hoa, gossip Ford, what hoa!

MRS. FORD. Step into th’ chamber, Sir John. Exit FALSTAFF

 

Enter MISTRESS PAGE

 

MRS. PAGE. How now, sweetheart, who’s at home besides yourself?

MRS. FORD. Why, none but mine own people.

MRS. PAGE. Indeed?

MRS. FORD. No, certainly. [Aside to her] Speak louder.

MRS. PAGE. Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.

MRS. FORD. Why?

MRS. PAGE. Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses an Eve’s daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying ‘Peer-out, peer-out!’ that any madness I ever yet beheld seem’d but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.

MRS. FORD. Why, does he talk of him?

MRS. PAGE. Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he search’d for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.

MRS. FORD. How near is he, Mistress Page?

MRS. PAGE. Hard by, at street end; he will be here anon.

MRS. FORD. I am undone: the knight is here.

MRS. PAGE. Why, then, you are utterly sham’d, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him; better shame than murder.

MRS. FORD. Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?

 

Re-enter FALSTAFF

 

FALSTAFF. No, I’ll come no more i’ th’ basket. May I not go out ere he come?

MRS. PAGE. Alas, three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?

FALSTAFF. What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.

MRS. FORD. There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.

MRS. PAGE. Creep into the kiln-hole.

FALSTAFF. Where is it?

MRS. FORD. He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note. There is no hiding you in the house.

FALSTAFF. I’ll go out then.

MRS. PAGE. If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguis’d.

MRS. FORD. How might we disguise him?

MRS. PAGE. Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.

FALSTAFF. Good hearts, devise something; any extremity rather than a mischief.

MRS. FORD. My Maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above.

MRS. PAGE. On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her thrumm’d hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.

MRS. FORD. Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.

MRS. PAGE. Quick, quick; we’ll come dress you straight. Put on the gown the while. Exit FALSTAFF

MRS. FORD. I would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, and hath threat’ned to beat her.

MRS. PAGE. Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!

MRS. FORD. But is my husband coming?

MRS. PAGE. Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.

MRS. FORD. We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time.

MRS. PAGE. Nay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of Brainford.

MRS. FORD. I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight. Exit MRS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.

We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do, Wives may be merry and yet honest too.

We do not act that often jest and laugh; ‘Tis old but true: Still swine eats all the draff. Exit Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS

 

MRS. FORD. Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him; quickly, dispatch. Exit FIRST SERVANT. Come, come, take it up.

SECOND SERVANT. Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.

FIRST SERVANT. I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead.

 

Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS

 

FORD. Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain!

Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals, there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be sham’d. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth; behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching.

PAGE. Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinion’d.

EVANS. Why, this is lunatics. This is mad as a mad dog.

SHALLOW. Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.

FORD. So say I too, sir.

 

Re-enter MISTRESS FORD

 

Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, Mistress, do I?

MRS. FORD. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.

FORD. Well said, brazen-face; hold it out. Come forth, sirrah.

[Pulling clothes out of the basket]

PAGE. This passes!

MRS. FORD. Are you not asham’d? Let the clothes alone.

FORD. I shall find you anon.

EVANS. ‘Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come away.

FORD. Empty the basket, I say.

MRS. FORD. Why, man, why?

FORD. Master Page, as I am a man, there was one convey’d out of my house yesterday in this basket. Why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.

Pluck me out all the linen.

MRS. FORD. If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.

PAGE. Here’s no man.

SHALLOW. By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you.

EVANS. Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies.

FORD. Well, he’s not here I seek for.

PAGE. No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.

FORD. Help to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me for ever be your table sport; let them say of me ‘As jealous as Ford, that search’d a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman.’

Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.

MRS. FORD. What, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.

FORD. Old woman? what old woman’s that?

MRS. FORD. Why, it is my maid’s aunt of Brainford.

FORD. A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by th’ figure, and such daub’ry as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say.

MRS. FORD. Nay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.

 

Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman’s clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE

 

MRS. PAGE. Come, Mother Prat; come. give me your hand.

FORD. I’ll prat her. [Beating him] Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you. baggage, you polecat, you ronyon!

Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.

Exit FALSTAFF

MRS. PAGE. Are you not asham’d? I think you have kill’d the poor woman.

MRS. FORD. Nay, he will do it. ‘Tis a goodly credit for you.

FORD. Hang her, witch!

EVANS. By yea and no, I think the oman is a witch indeed; I like not when a oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under his muffler.

FORD. Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.

PAGE. Let’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen. Exeunt all but MRS. FORD and MRS. PAGE

MRS. PAGE. Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.

MRS. FORD. Nay, by th’ mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought.

MRS. PAGE. I’ll have the cudgel hallow’d and hung o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.

MRS. FORD. What think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?

MRS. PAGE. The spirit of wantonness is sure scar’d out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.

MRS. FORD. Shall we tell our husbands how we have serv’d him?

MRS. PAGE. Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.

MRS. FORD. I’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly sham’d; and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly sham’d.

MRS. PAGE. Come, to the forge with it then; shape it. I would not have things cool. Exeunt

SCENE 3.

 

The Garter Inn

 

Enter HOST and BARDOLPH

 

BARDOLPH. Sir, the Germans desire to have three of your horses; the Duke himself will be tomorrow at court, and they are going to meet him.

HOST. What duke should that be comes so secretly? I hear not of him in the court. Let me speak with the gentlemen; they speak English?

BARDOLPH. Ay, sir; I’ll call them to you.

HOST. They shall have my horses, but I’ll make them pay; I’ll sauce them; they have had my house