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to bring out the prettiest of women." "l don't need makeup, thank you." Mom said. The brunette pushed past me. "But ma'am, do you really think you look like a model?" Mom turned red. Not embarassment, but anger. Unfortunately, the press arrived at that moment. "Your makeup gives me hives, anyway." "But look at those eyebrows! Ew! And what's that on your face? A mole?" "Get out before l call the police." The brunette walked out with the camera behind her. Dad walked in. "What happened?" he asked. Mom told him everything. Dad smiled. "Your eyebrows are perfect. And your mole is what makes you so beautiful. Anne?" "Joseph." "Anne." "Joseph." l don't mind it when others show affection, but with my parents it gets really sappy. Thinking of Sophia, l listened to the slow version of 'Every time we touch' by Cascada.

My love for her was so powerful... she was a heart throbber, not just a crush. l wanted to hold her... kiss her, love her, protect her. Jazz suddenly waltzed in, breaking my fantasy. l realized l was on my bed with my hands folded over my gut. My body felt really stiff. Jazz picked up a toy monkey and squeezed it. l showered and got ready to go to bed. l realized my jeans were getting tighter. l tried on all of them and put the too small ones in an extra cardboard box. If l ever get rid of this gut,l'll finally be skinny and if l'm skinny Sophia will love me and if Sophia loves me l'll be popular. l thought. The plan made sense. l wrote it down on my Lifelong List of Things To Do. l'd made the list in seventh grade. lt was basic stuff. Be rich, get a Corvette, get an Oldsmobile, get a hot wife, stuff like that. For the wife, l figured brown, blond, or redhead. Or black. l currently wanted Sophia. Sweet, flirty, smart, beautiful. My last crush was a blond. l thought about asking her out, then l figured out she's a ditzy airhead. l personally don't like those kinds of girls. Perky,yes. Airhead, no. Confident, yes. Selfish, no. But everyone needs to be slightly selfish but still indulge in good karma. That's the problem with the world today. l went to sleep without any more problems.


My alarm beeped. l slapped it hard. l heard a knock at the door. "Yeah?" "Tobias, you don't have school today. In service." Dad said. He closed my door. l woke up an hour later. l put on loose jeans and a black t-shirt. l brushed my teeth and combed my long dishwater blond hair. Mom was making omelets and bacon. She was singing. "l won another case." she announced. "That's good." Dad said, looking at the newspaper. "Who died?" Tony asked, coming downstairs without a shirt on. "Nnnoobboooooooddyy!" Mom sang. "A woman tried to sue a man who got her daughter drunk with Rohypnol, a date rape drug,did it with her, and stole her identity,jewelry,money, checkbook and credit card, but she was having some trouble with the proof. l had the girl tested and she was positive for the drug, the beer,vodka, wine, and lice. The guy was ordered to give the girl her stuff back, pay off the debt racked up on her credit card, pay to have the lice removed, pay for the hospital bill, pay for recovery and therapy, and do three months worth of community service. The judge did not take it too kindly that a teenage girl could have gotten hurt or worse. She was hard on the guy. She made him feel remorse for what he did. But l kind of feel sorry for him because his daughter was being bullied by a more popular but not very nice girl,and the girl who got hurt was in her group. But the judge told him 'If you can't be civil and teach your daughter the right way to handle these bullies, move to another planet.' I believe she deserved some punishment for being so mean to the other girl, but no one should go what she went through. Her friend's words were 'Girl, you need shopping and pampering days until you be yourself again.' She'd even bought her a new pedicure set, foot spray, foot powder, foot cream, and Smooth Away." "What's Smooth Away?" Tony asked. Mom just beamed. "With Smooth Away, l'll never shave or wax again. l'll save thousands!" We ate breakfast while Mom bubbled on about Jazz's visit to the vet. Negative for everything. "He needs to gain some weight,but other than that, he's perfect. He is exactly one year older than Girlfriend." Mom smiled at me."And she's doing fine too. And the pregnancy...what pregnancy? A simple pregnancy scare." l felt relief wash over me. We all looked at the dogs. Girlfriend was chewing on a rawhide bone and Jazz was cleaning her ears.

After breakfast we watched our favorite family movie, The Ultimate Test. It was about an alien who disguised himself as a human. His race wanted to know more about Earth before they blew the planet up. But the alien fell in love with a cute redheaded girl and changed his mind. He even wrote her a love song. She eventually found out who he was and left in the middle of a date. She even warned the FBI. They questioned the alien and figured out she wasn't joking. They erased her memory of it and ordered the alien to stop the attack. He did, but he also ended up heartbroken. He said that she showed him what love is like. Area 51 kept a copy of the incident. Unfortunately, the press wouldn't leave them alone. So what happens? They put it on YouTube.

Tony grabbed his keys. "Toby, want to come with me?" "Where're you going?" "Mall. Spring's birthday is coming up and l want to get her something cool." "Sure." We climbed into his car. l brought my laptop in case of a traffic jam.We got there without problems. Tony walked into Beautiful Body right away. He came out with a couple Olay face cleansers and a body scrub from Jergens. But he still thought he should get more. He walked into Clinique's and bought a gold headband and a black purse with a cheetah heart. He also bought a zebra purse with pink trim. "l got carried away," he admitted."Maybe l should be the next best fashion designer!"

We heard a loud "l love you." coming from something that wasn't human at all. "Good giiirrrlll!" Mom exclaimed. Dad saw us. "Your mother is convinced she'll make millions by teaching the dogs to talk." "Not a bad idea if you post it on the internet." Tony said. Dad shrugged. "Can't argue with that."

l eventually decided to take Jazz and Girlfriend for a walk. By the time l walked one block, my entire body felt totally numb. l took a sip of water. l walked five blocks. When l got home, l showered and ate lunch. lt was crab. Mom's crab is really tasty. She serves it whole, with olive oil drizzled inside the shell.My stomach felt heavier than it usually does after lunch. "Okay Mr. Popular, where are you going?" Mom asked Tony. "Hang out with a friend." "What are you doing with that box?" Tony had a small box in his hand. He held up his hands. "Okay, you've caught me. My friend has a smoking problem." "But you're sixteen! You're too young to smoke!" "But Chad is eighteen; he's old enough to smoke, he's just addicted." "Oh. Have fun! Be safe!" "God, you're such a worrywart." Tony mumbled under his breath. "Tobias! NUMB3ERS is on!" Dad called. l watched it with him while Mom cooked chili.

l felt my body collapse on my bed. l was so tired. l wanted to take a nap, but every time l do, l sleep for three hours. l sipped water and looked at my floor. A pair of boxers and two pairs of jeans. l tossed them into the laundry hamper. My stomach growled. l just ate. You should be full. l reminded it. It ignored my thoughts. l ate a granola bar. l felt much better. I read a book about the boy with the problems. Asthma, diabetes, stuff like that. l felt so sorry for him. He was only my age, but he was so upset. The boy never died, like the doctors predicted, but his diabetes was somehow cured. He thought it was the third shot of a pint of insulin. Maybe he was right. But the doctors didn't believe him and tried to put him in therapy. Then they figured out he was right and got themselves arrested because they tried to experiment on him. He went through therapy and slowly recovered.

Have you seen a movie where two guys fight over a girl? l felt like l'd come in last over Sophia. My heart fluttered, my head felt dizzy, and my stomach lurched every time l pictured her beautiful face. l wanted to hold her body, gaze at her curves, kiss her...but l couldn't while she was with Billy. My hands sweated as l gazed an old picture of her in my last elementary school yearbook. Her features...her eyes...mouth...nose...hair...chin...everything on her was perfect. l planted a gentle kiss on the picture. l looked at a seventh grade picture of her. She was going to be mine soon. Her peachy, pale, glowing skin, sparkling brown eyes, shiny,soft hair, beautiful hands, rosyish lips...wide hips...legs to hold...all that was going to be mine. But my worst enemy owned her. l noticed that my picture was next to hers. l believed that picture was meant to be there.

l looked for Tony after that. l found him changing his oil. "Hey, pipsqueak," he said. His face had dirt and oil on it. "You're going to get a pimple." l told him. He shrugged. "l can always pop it. l have some face wash from Axe. Or l can borrow Mom's extra makeup and look like an obnoxious idiot." "You are obnoxious." "True. But l still get straight A's, get plenty of girls, have twenty carloads of buddies, and have ten carloads of rivals and enemies." He was right about that. Just then, one of his old rivals from football drove by. He shouted a lot of good words at Tony and threw an old firecracker that sounds like a gun at him. Tony stood in front of me to protect me. Dad ran out after the thing went off. "Boys! Are you okay?" "Yeah, we're fine." Tony said. Dad went inside to tell Mom. Tony went inside to shower, and l brushed Jazz. He liked it when l scratched his belly. When Tony came out and sat beside me, Jazz hopped onto his lap. "Hey, boy. At least you still like me." Tony said. Dad glanced at him with a hurt look in his eyes. "Tony? l'm so sorry. Please talk to me." "He needs a little more time, lover." Mom told him. "Dad broke my trust completely." Tony said softly. Dad went upstairs. After a minute,we heard soft crying. Dad's heart is really broken. l realized. "Tony, why don't you just forgive him?" Mom asked. "I've already talked to him and he feels horrible." "He's being sensitive. He doesn't care. If he really loved me... " "It's because he loves you. He's trying to apologize because he loves you." "He freakin abused me! He hit me!" "Son, he's in therapy." "I don't care. l wish he wasn't my dad. l wish he was never born!" "Tony!" "He's right, Anna." Dad said. Tony just grabbed a videogame, book, magazine, Spring's gifts, and a roll of wrapping paper with cats all over it. "l'm going to Zee's." he muttered. He grabbed his wallet
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