My Personal Hell, D. Richardson [ebook reader browser txt] 📗

Hell

I watched her as she played with her dog in the backyard. The black screen separating us distorted her shape slightly. She was so happy with it just being the two of us. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth. That our time was limited, that she had a whole heritage that made her special. Yet, I was never going to have the chance to explain.

I thought there would be time. Time to explain what was happening to her. She was reaching puberty quickly. Her inner wolf would start to show herself soon. I couldn’t rely on anyone to tell her. Tell her that she was more than just a human girl. I could only hope that she found someone who would explain.

Once I was gone she’d go to her human father, and judging by his initial reaction, she’d be raised as a human. She might never experience her first shift, or even know that she could. I worried about what she would go through after I was gone.

Our kind didn’t handle grief well, just as humans tended to use transference. My ex-husband hadn’t handled the divorce well. Though in all fairness, I had gone behind his back to get it. Forging his name so he wouldn’t show up to the hearing.

But I had needed time. Time alone with our daughter, away from all the fights and violence. And as badly as I had treated him, to see that smile on her face was worth it. I had never seen her as relaxed as when he and I were not around each other.

All of that throwing things, the yelling, the name calling, it wasn’t good for her. I needed her to have good memories to keep her going. Because I didn’t have long. Which was made all the more evident as I limped to my chair.

More than anything I wished I could shift one last time. But the cancer had spread to far, making it an impossibility. I could barely handle this form, let alone that of a wolf. The stress of the shift would kill me almost instantly, and I wasn’t quite done yet.

I eyed the unfinished letter on the table. Her sibling’s letters were done, but I was struggling with hers. There was just so much to say and not enough lines to say it all. How did I explain that her father leaving was my fault. That I had led him on, without telling him the truth until it was too late.

I remembered when we first met. I was already mated to an awful alpha. He wasn’t abusive really, just not someone I could love. Then her father was introduced to me by my sister. He was such a wonderful man. Strong, brave, kind, of course he had some issues, but who doesn’t these days.

At this point, everyone has baggage. It was the fact that he had an abusive father that made me sure that he would be a good one. Children often strive not to make the same mistakes of their parents. At least when it came to how they were raised.

But we spent time together, and I knew I loved him. So I packed up my children and we left to live with my human husband. I didn’t expect my pack to take it so personally. Dating a human was looked down on, but marrying one was forbidden. I expected them to cut ties with me, that I would become a lone wolf.

Sure enough, in the middle of the night, I woke with a cutting pain in my middle. As if I were being cut in half. Cut in half by a sword that had been bathed in fire until it burned red. A part of myself being melted away in that heat, and a cold emptiness replacing what had once been my pack.

The next day I looked in the mirror, and saw the silver. It shocked me, that flash of silver, that proof as to what I had become. But it was also the same day I found out I was pregnant with Ailith. I worried for her then. A born lone wolf would receive nothing but disdain. But a female, I had never heard of one surviving, and a half breed. Half breeds were rare.

So rare that Ailith was an oddity simply by her conception. A lone wolf born of an alpha mother and human father. A concoction that only the best of circumstances could allow her a long life.

Throughout my pregnancy I was constantly alert. Feeling as though the tendrils of death were already wrapping around my unborn child. Fearing that my pack would kill her before she could take her first breath.

They had gone so far as to beat my other children without my knowledge. Using the human laws against me to take them. The image of my two year old son, covered in bruises and cuts as the case worker took him. Ripping my five year old daughter from my arms. Those were images that I would never forget. They were forged in my mind just as hot as the sword that cut away my pack.

I had tried to keep my family in my older children’s lives. As they used the human laws against me I took my advantages where I could. I was allowed visitation, if not custody, and though I was barely tolerated at my visits, my children still knew. They still knew that I loved them. That I had never intended for them to be harmed. And I made sure that they knew their sister.

All of my fears throughout my pregnancy were unfounded. My former pack hadn’t even been interested in the birth of my youngest child. Assuming she would be a still born as a breeding such as hers had never been heard of. But she was born, practically forcing her way out as though demanding to see the light of day. And she was strong.

So strong as she used every drop of her will to take her first scream. Letting the world know that she had arrived. As they laid her in my arms I felt it. The ripple of power and strength that she held in her small body even as she calmed. Her silver eyes stared into mine. Not only was she a healthy, half breed, lone wolf. But she was an alpha.

I chose the name Ailith, to belay her strength, her willingness to fight even the natural process of birthing. It was old English, meaning warrior. Names meant more to wolves than that of simply meeting another individual. It was a way of showing others what they were. Their personality, or even their station in the pack.

Being a half breed only helped to aid us. Living so closely with her father, she took on the scent of a human. The silver in her eyes was buried in the darkest brown I had ever seen in the first few months. An entire pack could walk past her and not discern the difference. They would barely recognize that she existed.

By the time she was three she was already acting like the wolf she was. When her father wasn’t around I would play with her, as pups played. But then she started to act like that with her father. When he was unable to hold her still as they rough housed he became suspicious.

I still hadn’t told him. What I was, what our daughter was. I’m not sure why, and I felt guilt that I hadn’t been honest with him before. Yet, if he was going to help raise our daughter, then he had to know.

When I showed him what I really was, he didn’t handle it well. Turned out he had a real problem being the weakest person in our small family. That’s when the fights really started. My anger had heightened when I was exiled, driving me to throw things. We both said horrible things to each other. It wasn’t a healthy environment for Ailith to grow up in.

So, after I was diagnosed for the third time, we knew. This was my last round, my time on earth was coming to an end. My time with my only lone wolf daughter, was coming to an end. That’s why I left him. I needed her to have some good memories to hold onto after I was gone.

I only hoped that he could put our problems behind him, that he wouldn’t force her to pay for my actions. Though I didn’t have a whole lot of hope for his new girl friend. She was weak, physically and emotionally, but manipulative. Even though he had a way of treating women badly, she still always got her way.

And she was young, no children, not even a whole lot of time around them. What if she wasn’t the mother figure that Ailith was going to need? She seemed more like a spoiled sister every time the three of them were together. I had no choice but to rely on her father stepping up. Putting her needs before his wants.

As I limped my way to the backdoor, contemplating how many months I had left, I called out to my ten year old daughter.

“Lily, it’s time to come in and eat!” Her smiling face turned up to me. “Okay, Mom, I’ll be right there.”

All I really wanted for her, no matter where she ended up in life, was that she be happy.

My hand slammed down on the alarm just as it went off. It was a daily routine grained into me so I was always awake at least a minute before it went off. Kadi stirred as I climbed over her, and I tucked the blanket around her tighter. She mumbled something and hugged my pillow to her small frame, before returning to her dreams. For her sake I hoped they were of fairies and shining knights. Anything would be better than reality.

I stood and stretched, turning to check on Lori. Her bed sat next to the basement door, putting her in the perfect spot to be the look out when we did something against the rules. The blanket covered her from head to toe, and she was curled up as tightly