F**k Yeah!, Al Calm [ebook reader online .txt] 📗

drink. They ain’t too popular now, but you do see the odd relic holding one. I still got that bag of nuts left, or were they fucking shrooms? I'm fucked, all I think is whoa-whoaaaah, woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

SQUEEZE ME TUNE SELECTER!SQUEEEEZZZEEE IT! Squeeze like titties every time, trust me! Must be shrooms, nuts don’t fuck you up like this.

 

I look around and see Jessica Rabbit in camouflage bikini and some proper tasty hotpants, sweaty camel toe and all. JEEEZ! Me dick's so hard it's peering out, pointing in her direction. I need another heavy zoot, it's all blazing now. Searching for me rizla and me johnnies. Drop some more beans, fuck it, getting real wasted.

 

Telling you, Ragga Twins smash it up with Kenny Ken and Jumping Jack Frost back-to-back. Brockie and Det going to be on, get with the legendary mash up. I'm shattered to shit now, I'm going to get all paralysed as I've taken a shit load of MD and I ain't stopped moving for fucking hours. The zoots turning me blood to tar, but it all good, fuck it. I don’t give a fuck!

 

I’m hoping Fearless will spit some more bars, too, looking forward to Herbzie and Eksman and IC3 and Shabba D, they can still smash it. Though I always check out other DJs and MCs like the original Dominator, Rob Blaze, Lady V Dubz, Macky Gee, Deefa, Blacka, Thunda Banton, Myst, 2Shy. I'm definitely staying for Brockie and Det now. Shit, no way, didn't know Roni Size here too, don't want to miss LTJ Bukem either. Doubt Hype and Andy C will turn up. Fucking bang on, though!

 

Look at me, on the screen, look like Fritz the motherfucking cat! Shit, I can't blink!

 

Blinking what? Every time I blink, the hours just vanish. Slip-time tripping! Time just whizzed, like superfast lightspeed time! I'm really going with the flow, smiling, hugging, kissing whoever. Just hugging and kissing random people I never met before, people who claim to know me and those just fucked like real mash up as well, just want someone to hug. Someone to love!

 

That's vibes for you, we all feel the love. No fucker's ever alone at a decent rave. You may have lost all your mates and dropped your mobile down the shitter, but you'll be there with some random having a proper emotional moment. Sometimes the random gets to be a hot bird, but most blokes what dig the raving vibe are proper chilled out. As in really fucking chilled! Yeah, all the green, all the decent gear gets us roasted, it's all cool.

 

Yeah, Fabio and Grooverider mash it up, the camouflage-bird loses interest with me. She digs I'm just a professional fuckhead and she does it only a few times a year, as she started to get all sobered up. And puke too much. Puke always wins, she's fucked, she can barely stand. Staggers back, then staggers away. She probably just clocked her mates have ditched her and she needs to get home to Kent or wherever. She probably has a respectable office job and has to get all done up in posh-pants in the morning.

 

She puked a lot. I never seen so much puke. Black purple chunky shit, fucking hell! Made me almost heave, too! It was too fucked, I had to get a picture. I helped her to the toilet. I gave her some of me water. She seemed shocked I wasn't trying to rape her and stared at me for ages.

 

We didn't say anything, she just said to me, Can I have another sip?

 

I'm like, Sure, whatever, it don't bother me!

 

She was all cool, she went all quiet. Ain’t too cool when you just seen someone puke their own bodyweight. I walked her to the exit after waiting with her at the cloakroom. She waved goodbye. Maybe she decided to go home. I didn't catch her name, I won't forget her though. I scanned the vibe with me fucked eyes, maybe I've been crying in the corner of the club for too long, I can’t see for shit.

 

I'm in the chill out area in a club called Oven Glove, full of jerky angry cock-head coked-up fuckers and uptight security dudes. No quicker way than to kill a vibe. Better vibes at that place in Vauxhall. Or was it in Brixton? Fuck it now, it's all cool, hospitals don't close! Well, you never know under this fucking shit government. Methxx starts to filter in, though I dig War on Drugs more, I got to say. Yeah it's making me rush like a mad motherfucker. Up there with Gridlok's new one, too. Goldie's meant to be the special guest – gonna go mental!

 

Next thing I remember is the mentalist rush, real junglist style worries in the dance thing. Dancing as if me life depended on it. Where the fuck am I? It's like being a super-buzzing fly, trapped in a proper hot place, but you feel like the coolest dude ever. Even if you're an ugly loser, you'll feel wicked, pure euphoria. Sure, you sweat like a fucker and you're well hot, in more ways than one, but you're feeling proper invincible. I want to be a raver god. Hog’s destiny is pretty clear people!

 

Sometimes I think I'm trying to live just like Bungle Bob, we're proper like each other. It all so fucking sick, the darkest fucking mash up ride. I blink to find I'm in Tesco trying to eat a doughnut, me lips and gums all chewed to shit, me throat so sore, I'm sucking on this doughnut like a Turkey Twizzler. Worth the buzz, though. I got a massive wrap of MDMA, ten Facebooks, couple of Instas, a few gees of bashed bugle and a half-oz of weed on me – along with a couple of hundred quid or so, five oyster cards, four credit cards, and three phones. I recognise the Blackberry but, fuck me fucker, I can't think who the fuck I am and where all this other shit came from!

Reload Now fucker! Thousands of things rush through me brain, it all goes lightspeed for a moment, like that random girl I met: skimpy top, little tits, tight little pants and geeky pumps, a right dub-hippy-step-chick. We smile, we kiss, we hold hands; we stare at each other for what feels like an age then we're hugging as if our lives depended on it!

Can I kiss you, she says? Sure, I'm like, fuck yeah! Proper cute that. We chew our faces off, then slobbery kiss each other for what seems like a proper long time, like time just goes in the blink of an eye. I brush a strand of sweaty blond hair out of her face. Well sexy that. I love a sweaty lady, nothing quite like it. She's sweating more than me. Then I think, Fuck, I'm sure I see Callum’s behind me, fucking cheeky fucker, how he get in here?

 

He smiles at me, going BO!BO!BO! Yeah, he's loving the vibe, Ragga Twins definitely blowing his mind, RTC de bout for sure! Co-Gee and Fearless on wicked form too, can’t wait for Bunter, Slipmatt and Dugs to mash us for the power hour. Navigator, Moose, Shabba Dan and $yda going to show up – yes, yes, you knows it!

 

I smile at Callum, nodding; the girl smiles too. Don’t ask why.

 

I go to ask her name, but she don't hear me proper and randomly chips off - fuck knows where to. Moves quicker than a fucking ninja! Maybe her lighter busted too. Happens to me all the time!

JUNGLISTS ARE YOU READY? BO!BO!BO!

I try to speak to Callum the Bumfluff kid, I've forgotten that I've been fucking his old dear for a while now, but me voice has gone all croaky. I sound like a fucked Toad out of 'Bucky O'Hare'. Proper old skool trippy toads man! I try to say to him, Yo, Callum, yo bumfluff you cheeky shit! Been looking everywhere for you, fool! Callum just sniggers, shaking his head at me. You see Bungle Bob then? I add, but I'm feeling real fucked. Me gob slowly turning to polystyrene.

 

Yeah, totally well loved up during that retro Rainbows of Colour mix with the old skool mix, like a DJ Rap Elevation set thrown in with a bit of the Serial Killaz mixing Johnny Osbourne’s Rock It and everyone loves Logical Progression, what a legend you are LTJ Bukem! Can’t wait for the back-to-back with Fabio! And I love that mix of Set Speed into New Dawn, fucking banging though I don’t think you can buy it!

 

I forget about Callum kid Bumfluff, I forget a lot and get lost in the vibe. I’m going up, up, up fuckers! Callum keeps laughing at me, as if he can read me mind, giving me that weird eye look, he’s proper off his nut. I hope he don’t go all queer and try to kiss me. I’m so loved up, I’ll probably kiss him back and be cool with it!

 

Easy boyee! he says to me, suddenly hugging me. Yeaaaaaboiiieeee! I think he just clocked it’s me.

 

I go, It’s me Hog, you fucking wasted rat! It's all cool! I say this all down his ear so he can hear me. Want a drink? I think I feel a tenner in me pocket, it’s got to be a tenner. I never have fives, they go straight away. I don’t think Callum can hear me too well. I laugh with him, slowly giving up. Callum’s still laughing at me, the mix getting fucked around with which means another DJ is coming on soon. I think fuck it, everything's always cool here, just jokes right?

 

Yeah, shit, I can’t think too well. What am I doing? I’m skanking and walking, doing the skank walk everywhere, sure I’m looking for someone too. I must be looking for Bungle Bob, he does a mean one-foot skank, but it’s clearing out now and I can’t see him for shit. The security blokes give me the old evil eye. They seen me, they know me, they know what I’m like. I’m hoping they don’t get me mixed up with some other dumb fucker, like Goofer.

 

These bouncers can always spot harmless loved-up losers like me. Maybe one day, they’ll let me go on the decks for a bit. I dream Andy C will be watching, just getting a feel of the vibes for a bit before another mentalist set, and he’ll hear me fumble around Hog style on the decks and sign me right up there and then. But it’s all a dream. I keep thinking that when I come down. I get a weird feeling, you know? It’s tough to say, but it’s a history sort of vibe, where I don’t have luck and I’m still clueless about the shit system here in UK. Cool shit like that don’t happen to people like me. Not in Blighty, anyway. Saying that, the dream deal happened to that Frankee dude, got signed by Program, didn’t he? But he’s an actual proper musician too and well talented. Not a chancer like me. Bet he’s got no software issues!

 

I stagger out of the club, drifting past paramedics and passed out randoms, the usual army of people with fliers, I can't believe they all still do that, but they do, I'm sure I see Callum again, having a sneaky puff behind the dumpster. Yeah, as I'm on me way to fast food land, to stare at the food and try to sleep for a bit, a couple of cops go past me, one looks like Donald Duck, the fat one looks like Porky Pig. I can't help laughing, a cottonmouth raver laugh, fucking quacky cracker pigs! Bo!

 

These cunt pigs just give me a proper evil, smell the raver fizz fuckers! Probably thinking they don't need another statistic. Reminds me of PC Pedal-Pants and Coconut Helmet Pig! His helmet was on so tight his head looked like a butternut squash spliced with some kind