The Opposite of Normal, Andrew Boggan [brene brown rising strong .TXT] 📗

have it. We better start looking for a second opinion” he said in a rushed manner. I started to really raise my voice when I said” Look, he’s done all the tests. He examined the body mass index, my weight, discussed about my eating habits and the type of food that I eat and he believes me when I say I don’t think I’m fat. Now will you just believe me for once? I haven’t got male anorexia nervosa” There was a silent pause for a few moments then Bruce turned his head towards the window and muttered “That’s what you think”

Once again, no matter what I did or what I say, Bruce was adamant that I had the disease.

Bruce’s house was a typical Australian bungalow with 4 bedroom’s and 2 bathrooms. The living room was down the front of the house with the kitchen in the middle overlooking the pool area and the 4 bedrooms down the back of the house. Almost every night Bruce was down the back of the house in the study working on his training programs and I was out in the living room watching television. Late on Tuesday night I’d been watching television when I suddenly looked at the clock and realized it was almost midnight. Feeling rather shocked that I didn’t get to bed any sooner, I headed straight for bed. As I walked to the bedroom I passed Bruce sitting in the study catching up on work. He was sitting in front of the computer with the lights off. In my own protective way I softly said “Oh honey don’t sit there in the dark with the lights off, you’ll hurt your eyes” and I turned on the light and continued walking down the hall.

I was just about to open up the bedroom door when his forceful hands surprisingly grabbed me from behind and threw my back up against the cold wall in the hallway. “Don’t ever do that again, you got it? Leave the light where it was, do you understand me” he yelled. His face was so red and so close to mine that I could feel the anger steaming off his breath. He used his hands to hold my arms up against the wall so I was in a powerless position. “Oh god please let me go, let me go, oh god help me” I whimpered. Why was he doing this to me? His violent behavior was becoming too much of a regular occurrence and he knew that I didn’t like conflict or violence so I couldn’t work out why he was doing this to me. This was supposed to be the person who protected me. After a few moments that felt like a few hours, he released my hands and I paced myself as I walked into the bedroom. The next thing I knew I was lying face down on the bed. Bruce had come up behind me and hit me in the back, causing me to fall on my stomach across the bed. He switched the light off and simply walked away as if nothing had happened.

For 3 entire hours I curled myself up into a ball crying like a baby. I knew that sometimes I could be annoying and even a nuisance but I never thought anybody would go this far to either shut me up or make me stop acting the way I did. At least, I thought that’s why he began pushing me around in the first place.

The next day I had called Bruce’s very good friend Gary. Gary and I had known each other for at least 2 years before me and Bruce became partners and when Bruce and I got together I introduced them to each other and they developed a very strong friendship with each other. During my relationship with Bruce, Gary and I grew apart somewhat and he became very close with Bruce as he used to be with me. However, this didn’t stop me from wanting to see Gary at a time when I really needed to see him and get his advice on something.

I arranged to meet up with Gary at our local watering hole. The sportsman’s hotel, an old quaint gay bar on the outskirts of the city that possessed somewhat of a sleezy atmosphere, yet, a nice bar to meet for a casual drink.

Gary could see that I had been in distress with the speed that my hands were going at as I played with them. He noticed that every time I went to sip my beer my entire arm would tremble so he knew first hand that something was not right. I spent at least 2 hours telling Gary every minor detail of what happened to several months ago, whilst we were overseas, right down to what happened last night with me being punched onto the bed.

“He was perfectly within his rights Brendan, you of all people should know that” Gary said to me as if I had heard it all before. I was trying to ask Gary what he meant by the fact that Bruce was perfectly within his rights. Gary readily responded by saying “Well you can be annoying, and you do shit a lot of people off and sometimes you just got no idea when to back off and leave people alone so the only way to make you understand that is to hit you, at least that way you’ve learnt somewhat when your being annoying. Trust me Brendan most of the time it’s the only way people can get through to you”

Immediately I was gob smacked and I sat there with my mouth wide open in shock and disbelief. Gary, who was apparently my friend had basically told me that I deserved what had happened and it was the only way to get through to me. Now I’ve always known I can be a difficult person but never in my mind did I think I was that annoying on people. Was this something new I just learnt about myself or did this come down to my own limited understanding of being able to process social queues and interactions with other people? Either way, it’s not as if I’ve got a permanent guide telling me when the appropriate moment is to crack a joke, speak my mind or leave. It’s a risk I’ve taken every single time I socially interact with somebody, continuously playing the guessing game of “When is the right moment” but somehow never catching on no matter how hard I tried. It’s continual practice and 99% of the time I just never learned those social queues because when it came time to observe the behavior in other environments, social anxiety and panic attacks had always set in and my mind wondered elsewhere.

Although it was a very easy thing to do, Bruce and I had separated shortly after New Year of 2003 and I packed my bags on January 02nd and moved to Sydney. I thought there was nothing left for me in Brisbane anymore.

Towards the end of the break up, our circle of friends that included Tasha, Kelly, Terry and Shane had seemed to have drifted apart and what once a circle of close friends who shared everyone’s deepest secrets, we all seemed to have moved in separate directions. I didn’t really this coming, it more or less happened over time and before I could realize that our circle of friends had disbanded, it was too late.

Now was the time for me to go my separate way. I had a taste of real life, despite its hardships and it was time to start fresh in a new setting. I was now officially on my way to Sydney for a new life.


Chapter 8


A New City – A New Beginning

On the morning of January 21, a new friend named Robbie pulled up out the front of my door at 5.30 in the morning. A beautiful summer’s morning had filled the air and with the start of a new day came the start of a new adventure. Although I wasn’t too fond of the idea of being in a car for the next 15 hours, I knew within myself it was going to be well worth it.

As I stood outside Robbie’s car loading the car boot with only clothes, I hugged my mum to say bye. Living through this morning was one of toughest moments of my life. Being so close to my mother and then suddenly not knowing when I would see her again was emotionally painstaking. But it was something I had to do. In some way, I felt guilty for leaving my family behind. Although we have always been extremely close, my life would have been held back had I not decided to leave for Sydney. I envisaged I was standing at a T intersection. If I went left then I could grow stale in my hometown but would always have the closeness of family nearby, or I could go right and emotionally suffer in the beginning for leaving and discover a whole new me that had been yearning to break-free.

I hugged my mother for the final time and made the selfish decision to leave. I had viewed my decision as selfish given that I had upset my parents by leaving even tho I knew it was the right thing to do. I got in the car and we drove off down the street. I put my head out the window to wave goodbye to my mother and I slowly watched her disappear as we drove into the horizon. I had no idea when I would be back.

The scary thought about moving to Sydney was the fact that I only knew one person there and I wanted to use this move to test my strength of character and self-reliance. During the entire 15 hour journey one question kept on playing over in my head. “Was I venturing in waters way over my head?” I wasn’t too concerned about not finding work or being able to financially survive, I was more worried about being left alone in the ocean where I was still learning to swim. There was only one way to find out.

I hadn’t known Robbie for quite a while. We had met at the Wickham Hotel about 3 years prior to the move, and although we weren’t very close it was just nice to occasionally have someone to have a beer with. Robbie was originally from Brisbane but had moved to Sydney to be with his partner Christian. Robbie had been visiting his family and was now heading back to Sydney.

About an hour and a half into the drive we eventually crossed the border from Queensland into New South Wales. As the car drove over the border I broke into an emotional wreck. Although I would have looked like I was upset, I was crying tears of joy. All the beatings and mental abuse I copped from school and Bruce was now far behind me and I had no reason to look back.

I couldn’t help but think that I was prisoner in my own life. More often than not I was a prisoner of my life as I wasn’t able to escape and leave the past behind me. Sometimes late at night when darkness descended on the world and I laid there crying to sleep, I was in solitary confinement. Simply living in Brisbane was always a constant reminder of the horrors of the torture that I had endured.

After 2 weeks of arriving into Sydney I had gotten settled into my new home. I had moved in with Robbie and Christian in a tiny one bedroom