The Opposite of Normal, Andrew Boggan [brene brown rising strong .TXT] 📗

control over the situation. How can I be punished for something I didn’t deliberately do?

My own personal qualities certainly don’t extend to the same level that the other famous people mentioned earlier do, but I possess a few qualities that the average every day person wouldn’t. When I was 5 or 6 I read the Brisbane City train time table twice and remembered every single train station that existed in the Brisbane Metro area. I read an Australian Airlines timetable once and remembered the flight number and time of every Australian Airlines flight between Brisbane to Cairns return from Monday to Friday. During high school years I had the lead role in 2 plays and I remembered all my lines in a matter of several hours as well as other people’s. As boring as this may seem, one of my many obscure hobbies is to read a book and memorize it word for word. I had even done this with some of my favorite movies from when I was a child.

Now that I am an adult, I sometimes experience a high level of isolation, particularly on Saturday afternoons. Saturday afternoons during the summer are great for relaxing with friends over a few beers at the local pub or going over to friends houses to have a few drinks, dinner and get ready to go out to the clubs. The hardest part for me on Saturday’s is to sit in my bedroom playing computer games knowing there are hundreds and hundreds of people out there doing what I so eagerly desire. I guess the lucky part for me is that I don’t have the hangovers the next morning. Although occasionally this does happen for me, the occurrences are very rare and are always with the same 2 people.

Being in clubs are just has as hard too, especially when venturing into them alone. From the moment I walk in the door I get this awful feeling that goes from my head down to my toes that everybody has stopped to stare at you. While that may not be the case, you can’t help but wonder that’s the way it is. Quite often I would buy my beer from the bar and find a nice quite spot in the corner of the club where I can “people watch” for the night. There have been a few instances where other patrons have come over to say hello, ask how I am or even invite me in for a game of pool. Subconsciously, I must be giving off some kind of bizarre vibe because I only ever attract the wrong type of people. Now I hear non aspies say this too, but when I stand alone in bars hoping to meet somebody nice to have a drink with, the old sleazy kind tend to offer me drinks and much more.

It can be very embarrassing standing alone in a bar watching the crowds of people inter mingle, especially in the gay scene where everybody appears to be too critical of your own physique. Sometimes I will stand and stare at other people standing alone and try to imagine “why” they feel so comfortable standing alone or walking up to other people and begin socializing. I guess the bottom line is different from my perspective, they are standing there alone in a bar hoping to meet somebody for a one night encounter – I’m standing there just hoping to meet somebody to have a beer with and be sociable.

Once again, because we don’t have anybody beside us to teach us or tell us how to stand proper and look normal, subconsciously those bizarre vibes are sent out to others and people avoid you.

In 2005 I headed off for a 2 month back packing trip around Western and Eastern Europe. Whilst sitting on the plane going over filled with adrenalin and pulses of excitement, I began to realize that I didn’t speak any foreign language and I knew nothing about the local customs or cultures that I would encounter. “How to handle this” I said to myself. Well, one explanation really: Handle the situation the same way that I would in the Australian culture. I couldn’t grasp the social queues of the culture in my home town so what chance did I have learning it in another culture. The one thought that helped me relax about the entire situation was the fact that if I stuffed up and made myself to look clumsy or stupid it didn’t really matter because I was overseas and who would really remember.

Whilst visiting cousins in the UK, I was taken to the only gay bar in town. As soon as I walked to the door my breathing stopped. A small enclosed social environment in a group of people I had never met. From where I was standing at the front door to the club it looked like a prison. There was only one way to find out how I would get out of that prison and that was venture inside.

As terribly frightening and distressing as it was to walk into this situation, I had been left with no choice. I reached a point in my life where I got so sick feeling trapped and people making judgments at me that I was anti-social, there was only one way to defeat that predetermined image. Dive into the deep end.

I managed to dive into the deep end of the social swimming people, and for some reason I wasn’t drowning. Obviously my feet had been able to touch the bottom to keep myself afloat. Within a space of 1 hour I had met more people than I would have met in 12 months and I was sitting at a large table with over 20 people all eager to listen to me speak and hear what I had to say. This was the social life I had only ever dreamed about, certainly a shame that I had to venture to the other side of the world just to find it. For a few brief hours my Asperger’s didn’t exist and it had no control over me what so ever – I was the one in control. I’m not sure what came over me that night, but whatever it was, it allowed me to make eye contact, talk to strangers, crack jokes and help others to have a good time.

I think the biggest thing that night was the fact that I had an Australian accent. People at the pub found it so unique and different that it automatically drew people’s attention. Once they heard my accent it made people sit up and listen and learn that I was actually intelligent and this seemed to have swept a few guys off their feet. Back home when I spoke, people weren’t interested in me and would turn away but in England, everyone seemed to listen. I think at home, had there been something very special about me then others at home would sit up and actually take notice of me. Then I wouldn’t be just another face in the crowd.

During the rest of my trip through the UK and Ireland I was comfortable to just walk up to anybody standing alone at a bar and begin a conversation. If only I had those abilities to do this at home. None the less I was able to do it and never had my inner self been filled with so much pride and confidence.

I had a total of 6 weeks across England. After my second night of going out to a bar with my cousin, I had a whole list of names and phone numbers of people who actually wanted to spend time with me. Unlike home, it wasn’t a quick attempt to get me into bed; these people were actually interested in my own personal qualities and what I could give in terms of friendships. John and Alastair had become my 2 closest friends whilst travelling in the UK. Several times when I would be laying on the couch at my Auntie’s house they would come over and drag me out for coffee or to the pub. Never could I have imagined at home, somebody actually showing up to my home unexpectedly to drag me out for a good time. Why is it this would happen while I was overseas but not in my home? Oh well, I guess that’s the interesting thing Asperger’s Syndrome; it can play tricks on you.

Before I was ever diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, my family and friends had always just assumed that I was somewhat wired. As a teenager at school, most kids my age enjoyed getting outside to play handball or touch football while I was always found in the library reading books on a wide variety of topics that later turned into obsessions, some of these topics included the Brisbane Metro Train Network, the history of the British Royal Family, Physiology, weather and natural disasters, chemistry studies and even the events of world war 2.

I might have sat in the library all alone every lunch hour for 5 years without any true friends but I never questioned myself and why I struggled to make relationships. I always saw my peers in another perspective. Their interests compared to mine were boring and unchallenging, why would I want to act differently to who I am around other people and carry on like a fool when I can sit in the library and enjoy the peace and quite before going back to class.

I often saw a number of people at school get bullied, apart from myself,f and yet the ones who were doing all the bullying were the ones that had the large number of friends and I often said to myself “If having friends means I have to beat up on other people then I don’t want any”. So from that moment on I never made any attempt to have friends, it always seemed to be the most violent of kids in my school were the ones who enjoyed a large social life. How come they get to walk all over people and cause social injustice to others and yet they were the ones voted in as school captains and other significant roles in the school. I’m sure I could have beaten up on people if I wanted to but why be untrue to myself? There was simply no point.

Having Asperger’s Syndrome didn’t just affect me throughout my school years, although these were the toughest times, my mother had always said I displayed rare behavior patterns from 5 months onward.

Could my Asperger’s journey have started the moment I was born into this world? I might not have been able to communicate or build relationships but my mother had always told me she had a vivid memory of the first few moments of my new life where the Asperger’s might have had complete control over me.

I was born at 11.50am on Thursday October 21 1982. Using all the power in my lungs, I screamed blue murder from the minute I entered this world until 5 or 6 hours later. New born babies scream for so many different reasons; from hunger, lack of sleep or ill health, but my mother firmly believed it was somewhat of separation anxiety. Imagine spending the entire 9 months of your life inside your mother where you’re completely safe from the world where nobody can do you any harm. The comfort a mother can give can be the most fulfilling experience for any child and for mother and baby to bond creates that crucial foundation of a relationship. Some children get attached to this bond while others eventually learn to leave on their own accord.