The Electric Man<br />Being the One Act Version of the Three Act Farcical Comedy of the Same Name, Charles Hannan [elon musk reading list .txt] 📗

it in cupboard and closes door.)

Phew! this is the most extraordinary thing! (Hurries down, saying:) Where are the telegraph forms?

(As he snatches them from nail on wall, and sits to write R., Mrs. Anderson enters D. in F. out of breath and with a telegram; she is in process of dressing, her hair being in disorder, and she wears a dressing jacket.)

Mrs. Anderson. Telegrapheram, sir. (Down and gives it.)

[Pg 13]Jack (looking at telegram). From Mrs. Everest—“Have missed train, don’t wait lunch—coming by next.” Thank goodness! (To Mrs. Anderson.) I suppose you don’t know where I can find a detective?

Mrs. Anderson. Yes, sir, I does. Being my own nephew as lives in the attic.

Jack (writes several telegrams, as:) I want him at once——

Mrs. Anderson. Lawk a floury me!

(Hurries out D. in F.)

Stella. What are you writing? (Takes up one of the telegrams.) “Walter Everest, Ship Hotel, Brighton. Cyril Davidson is living. Come home.”

(Walter knocks loudly at bedroom door.)

Jack! listen!

Jack (still writing—knocking repeated). Coming—coming.

(Knocking ceases—he continues.)

This goes to every hotel in Brighton.

Stella. He may not be at an hotel.

Jack. That’s why I’ve sent for a detective——

(Jobbins enters, hat in hand and umbrella under arm; he is a stout man, rather shabbily dressed in tweed, with tweed frock-coat, and has a square-topped bowler.)

Jobbins. My name is Jobbins, sir. (Gives large card.) Private inquiry and detective agent, utmost secrecy and despatch, parties watched, missing relatives traced, divorces ensured.

Jack. This is a very simple matter, Mr. Jobbins. The gentleman who resides here left home suddenly. I want him fetched back at once. (Sits and writes note as:)

Jobbins. Yes, sir (goes up, then returns), where is he? (With notebook open to take notes.)

[Pg 14]Jack. Brighton.

Jobbins (notes). Brighton—what hotel, sir?

Jack. Do you think if I knew what hotel I should require a detective?

Jobbins. Then how am I to find him?

Jack. The best thing will be to take the first train to Brighton.

Jobbins (notes). First train to Brighton.

Jack. He may be at a boarding-house.

Jobbins (notes). Possibly a boarding-house.

Jack. When you find him give him this note (closing it and giving it), and send me a wire. (Gives five-pound note.) There is some cash for your expenses.

Stella. How is he to know Walter?

Jack. Isn’t there a photograph? (Finds one on mantel R.) Here we are. (Gives it.)

Jobbins. I’ll walk about the Brighton streets with this—why, I seen this gent in the public gardens five minutes ago.

Jack. Then after him and bring him back.

Jobbins (at D. in F.). You’ll hear from me—BY WIRE.

(Exit.)

Jack (calls out after him). Follow him to Victoria; if you miss him, go right on. (Comes down.) I’ve forgotten these telegrams.

Stella. I’ll take them.

Jack (gives them). Have you any cash?

Stella. Yes. (Hurries out D. in F.)

(A very loud peremptory knocking at D.L. Jack listens a moment—it is repeated.)

Jack. Getting nasty! (Loud knocking.)

Walter (off, calls). I say—let me out!

Jack. Now if I had not known, I should have said that was Walter. The voice was a trifle thick at starting, but now its identical.

Walter (off). Let me out. (Loud knocking.)

[Pg 15]Jack. I suppose I’ll have to.

(He goes and unlocks door and returns to R. front—Walter comes out.)

Walter. What is the meaning of all this?

Jack. That’s exactly what I want to know.

Walter. Locking a fellow in a bedroom.

Jack (aside). Calls itself a fellow and knows it’s a bedroom!

Walter. I feel as stupid (he is still half-stunned) as an owl. Where is Stella?

Jack. Knows about Stella!

Walter. What are you muttering?

Jack. Knows I’m muttering!

Walter. Well?

Jack. Well.

Walter. Why the devil don’t you speak?

Jack. Knows there’s a devil! I really don’t quite know what to do with you till your creator returns.

Walter. What?—How?

Jack. What or how—same thing. This is a pretty pickle, Mr. Cyril Davidson.

Walter. Mr. What?

Jack. Of course you don’ know your name yet; that is what you were christened, Cyril Davidson, so I call you Cyril Davidson.

Walter. Oh, you do, do you? that’s very clever of you. My mind’s a blank, I can’t remember what happened before I woke up on that chair.

Jack. No one remembers what happened before they were born.

Walter (bangs a book down on table). Oh, damned nonsense!

Jack. I wonder what you think of the world now you’ve come into it; what are your general impressions of mankind?

Walter. Was this why you locked me in the bedroom?

[Pg 16]Jack. Exactly.

Walter. And are you going to keep this up?

Jack. Decidedly.

Walter. I can’t see much sense in it myself; however, if it pleases you—I’m going to have some lunch. (Goes up to table in recess.)

Jack (calls up). Mr. Davidson! (No answer.) I’ve made it angry. (Calls.) Mr. Davidson—I say, Davidson—Mr. Cyril Davidson—sir,—oh, it’s in a pet and declines to answer me.

(Stella enters D. in F.)

Stella. Jack, a boy brought this. (Gives note.)

Jack (tears it open). Jobbins is something like a detective. “Just seen Mr. Everest, he is running. Jobbins.”

Stella. Running?

Jack. The electric individual is in there.

Stella. You let it out? What is it doing?

Jack. Lunching.

Walter (at table in alcove, mixing salad). Nothing here but salad! (With beer bottle.) Beer, who wants beer?

Jack. Knows all about everything!

Stella. It’s been listening in the cupboard before it lived. (Pause and then asks.) Should we speak to it?

Jack. It’s very bad-tempered, but I daresay it won’t hurt you. (They go up.) I say, Davidson!

Walter. Bah! (They start back.)

Stella. Poor thing! tell it it’s amongst friends.

(They again approach.)

Jack. This young lady is very anxious to make your acquaintance, Mr. Davidson!

(Walter smashes crockery with a beer bottle; they start and come down in fright, then approach again.)

Stella. Please, Mr. Davidson!

[Pg 17]Walter (turns). Oh, you’ve come back; has Jack told you what he’s playing at?

(He comes down a little—they retreat from him.)

Jack. Isn’t it wonderful! Calls me Jack!

Walter (as they are staring at him). When you’ve done staring, perhaps you’ll drop this.

Stella. Jack, I can’t believe it! (Walter walks about in rage.)

Jack. At first I couldn’t, but there is a difference, I begin to see it, a very subtle difference; watch how it moves; aren’t its joints a little stiff and so on?

Walter (quick step to him). You thick-headed-addle-pated numskull!

(Jack in fright falls headlong backwards over sofa L., Stella runs and crouches R., then they rise on knees and wave to pacify him.)

Jack. Gently, gently!

Stella. Oh, please, Mr. Davidson, please don’t be so angry; we are both awfully interested in you and really sorry for you. It must be terrible to be born full grown.

Walter. Am I mad, or are you?

Jack. You are.

Walter. That’s settled.

Stella. Of course, you think you’re real, but we know. You’re only a made thing, like a cheese or a pudding.

Walter (hand to head). You honestly say and believe that I am my own invention? (They nod solemnly.)

Walter. Am I myself, or am I the thing I made?

Jack. You are the thing you made.

Walter. Then where is myself—the other fellow?

Jack. Your esteemed creator left home before you began to exist, changed coats and went.

Walter. Changed coats? I never changed coats at all!

[Pg 18]

Jack. } What? Stella.

 

 

Walter. The moment I tried to, the figure rose up and stunned me.

Stella (up to him, throws arms round him). It’s Walter!

(Enter Mrs. Anderson with telegram D. in F., and gives it. Jack opens it.)

Mrs. Anderson (seeing Walter). Ow! Ow! Lawk a floury me!

(Exit.)

Jack. Jobbins is somewhere near Euston. (Gives telegram to Stella.)

Walter. Who’s Jobbins?

Jack. The detective who’s gone after you to bring you back.

Walter. Then it really went out?

Stella (reading telegram). “Have taken a cab, he’s still running.” What will happen if Mr. Jobbins catches it?

Walter. I expect he will catch it.

Jack. Another telegram! (Going up to D. in F.)

(Mrs. Anderson hands in a telegram and retires.)

(Coming down, reading:) “He has smashed some more windows, and is still running.”

Stella (taking the telegram). More windows!

Jack. “The crowd are still after him.”

Walter. Crowd?

Jack. “He has just climbed a tall chimney stack marked Bovril, and is now sitting on the top.”

Walter. Good Lord!

Jack. “Marked Bovril,” is this to be your fate, alas, my poor brother!

Walter (snatches the wire and reads). “They are fetching a fire escape. He keeps yowling.”

Stella (taking telegram). Yowling?

[Pg 19]Walter. Suppose the police get him and think it’s me, I’ll be blamed for all this damned thing. We must catch him. We’ll buy a gag and handcuffs as we go along.

Stella. Gag? Why?

Walter. Because he’s yowling! Stop! Stella must stay in case Mrs. Everest comes. (Calls.) Mrs. Anderson! I want a cab!

(He and Jack rush out D. in F.)

Stella. I’m so excited I think I’ll play the piano in the other room.

(Exit R. to drawing-room and immediately plays and sings “Caressante.”)