never a dole moment, G S BRANDON [life books to read .TXT] 📗

what will definitely keep your otherwise stagnant brain occupied. Some of my favourite creations have come from time spent pondering about what food will go with others in some kind of weird culinary blend, for example I find readybreck and cornflakes mixed a must have, or cheese on toast with peanuts is a real winner and pizza and peanuts for that matter .The dishes that can be invented are endless and a source of endless experimentation for the doley but always remember the golden rule little and often, your not Jamie Oliver and you cant afford to waste food like a professional .
If you are entertaining you should also try to consider the other persons food tastes as dishes like a cheese and banana sandwich with a fan of peanuts probably wont go down too well ,I was once informed by my brother that " this amount of smash potato in a week will end up doing us in ! " it was one of the funniest moments I have had whilst eating a doley meal , and said in same manner a crack head might warn another crack junkie about the amount of dope they were getting through ,I could’t finish the meal for laughing and choking .
If entertaining the "oh can you pick up some, on your way" gag works a treat, for example can you pick up a bottle of wine on your way or (some other kind of niceties you cant afford yourself), but remember no one likes a scrounger so the " can you just “ gag should be used sparingly on special occasions don’t kick the arse out of it as you may find even your own family stop visiting and label you a sponger or worse ! .


THE CLAIMENT ADVISOR


As time slowly floats by on planet dole, when even your breathing rate has slowed to the pace of a Galapagos tortoises due to inactivity or as many would say "being a complete waster".
Just as you reach the point of an inner calm only a well practiced Buddhist monk can attain after years of a minimalist life style dedicated to self improvement and chanting, you should remember these words "BEWARE THE CLAIMANT ADVISOR".The claimant advisor whose title suggests, is supposedly there to help you to sort out your unfortunate situation and help get you back in to full time employment with the full support of whomever the government is at that time.

In reality this person will probably instantly see you as just another waste of space cluttering up herhis otherwise perfect little office within the labour exchange .It is of up most importance to remember that the sort of person that attains such dizzying heights of that of a " Claimant advisor" within the benefits system is probably the kind of person that was bullied at school ,or had some other kind of hell to deal with in early life ,like maybe an alcoholic mother, or an uncle that was practiced at the art of pederasty ,because it is only these types of poor bastards that inevitably carry enough deep seated hate for humanity that will truly have the drive and zest to become a "claimant advisor" ,and once in that cosy position of power ,this power crazed moron will be unleashed onto society to do as they care, and would probably even cut the benefits from a starving pregnant female without the slightest twinge of guilt at all .

In my experience I got the overwhelming feeling that this tartan clad nightmare of a woman sitting in front of me hated my guts right from the start, for no other reason I can see than appearing better dressed and looking so well, considering I was ostensibly living on only tuppence halfpenny a day, of which the government so generously had awarded me along with all the barbed hooked rules and regulations that usually come entwined with any hand out.

Whilst using all of my well oiled avoidance tactics of jumping around the queue or dodging off to the toilet and letting some other poor bastard face the medusa when she became free, my luck inevitable ran out, and once seated at the desk of this fiery haired chip on both shoulders hag, even a faked bilious attack failed to release me from her vacuous grip.

Even before she had even spoken one word I could tell from her entire body language that she felt " I had been getting away with this for far to long" and that she was going to be the person who would put a stop to my lifestyle immediately, thus saving our government £57 per week, which I am sure she felt was her own personal cash. This power crazed witch in front of me ,driven by some miss- placed jealousy and a deep belief that she was going to save this country from the never ending dripping tap of benefit payouts ,and maybe from another financial breakdown that may be around the corner , was clearly off her rocker, and on some kind of pointless crusade . Because unbeknown to her, but crystal clear to the rest of the planet the financial breakdown we had all just been through was the fault mainly of our greedy short sighted bankers and those in power, not the poor bastards claiming their measly fortnightly scrap of money that the government assures you can actually live on, when in reality it doesn’t last more than 2 days even if you are the most tight fisted ducks- arse on the pond of life.
And now to top it all I found myself to be in the position where even that measly fortnightly amount of cash may be in jeopardy if this tartan jock hag gets her way , well, it was a nightmare situation and not worth thinking about the worse outcome , I had to weigh up my options, stay cool, and think fast .

After the initial ice breaking well rehearsed questions which I answered as if they were the first time I
had replied to them ,the questions became more and more probing ,probably in the hope that I would tell her to "go fuck herself with a bagpipe" and mind her own business , and therefore instantly be thrown out of the office and off the dole ,but I have suffered this hot seat of interrogation in the past and throwing a tantrum never works it just makes the job of the advisor even easier to cut your benefits completely off from that moment ,which is quite an amazing touch !you must agree, as it takes so ball achingly long for a claim to become live when first claimed .I have known people who have completely turned to dust whilst waiting for their first dole cheque, and with this in mind I decided to bite my tongue and give her the answers she needed to hear ,fantastic answers worn smooth through repeated use in the past .This filled me with a re- assuring confidence ,the bullshit was flowing so well I felt as though I could stand toe to toe with any politician and not only fight my corner, but win.
But then, and with no real warning, she fired a ten gun broad side right into my loins, starting with the question "why do you think you have failed to find employment"? which quickly following by her slipping onto the desk" as if in evidence", the failed job openings I had supposedly applied for, but never attended due to the fact that most of the jobs were the kind of jobs that you wouldn’t wish on a rapist as a punishment let alone a free man .I was being interrogated like never before my excuses were feeble I had not prepared for this battering, my guard was slipping. I rolled with the punches for some time, slowly loosing the will to live ,I realized quickly I was no longer sparring with an amateur ,she was a pro and had dealt with young upstarts like me in the past by playfully chipping away jab by jab ,She was the tom cat and I was injured mouse ,every answer I gave for my failings were cut short by this robot of a woman, who seemed to trump all my answers with yet another killer blow of a question ,the blood drained from every extremity in my body, the room seemed to plummet to a sub zero temperature, just at that moment I thought of my benefits being cut off ,this is a disaster I thought! and as my eyes rolled back in my head at the utter disbelief of this dire situation I was in all I felt could do was take it and hope for a break .But there was no let up from this bombardment, and the questions and digs went on and on relentlessly, I soon realised I was on the ropes with no hope of a points match draw , all I could do now was steady my legs and wait for the count out like a battered boxer .I was more than ready for someone behind me from my corner to throw in the towel and shout something like "ok that’s enough! He can’t take no more” but it didn’t happen, the people behind me were too far into their own private hells to help a prick like me, they only saw me as someone who was slowing up their own exit from that building, I even heard one person even say “come on mate! we could av been in the pub by now, wot the fuck you up to ?" as if it was my fault I was in this hellish situation and was deliberately holding up the queue for some sort of sick kick.
I had to get out, and quick, every cell in my body screamed "get the fuck out” .I thought about faking some kind of loss of control and going bezerk! ranting and raving as I left the building, then phoning to apologise later for my actions in the hope of saving my benefits and what was left of my pigeon life style.
But just at the moment that the panic tide was at its highest ,just at the moment I was about to start my onslaught at the system ,the government, politicians ,the rich bankers ,and everything else I could vent spleen at, including the jock bastard that had caused this upset sat in front of me , something amazing and incomprehensible happened, she seemed to let go as if not interested any more in my blood, like a shark that has mistakenly bitten on a metal post or the side of a boat .It seemed to me that she had purged her system from years of personal hate, driven by her own short fallings ,maybe it was the years spent studying at some tin pot collage, only to finally land some shitty job like this , or it may have been the lazy fat bastard she married some years ago who offered her such promise in the early stages of loves dream ,only to ram every hope back into her stupid pinched church face at every possible opportunity .But whatever the driving force behind this personal onslaught ,this miss- directed anger slowly eased along with the gut punch questions, and all was calm again .I wiped the blood from my face and realised I had been spared from the jaws of certain death. and once I had recovered back to near equilibrium I had the strangest overpowering feeling to say something like “is that all you’ve got you wanker ? " if only for the comedy element, but I fought the