The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Thing He Could Not Approve Of, It Appeared To Be A Subject
Of Regret To Him; Whereas, The Other Seized Upon It At
Once As A Matter Of Great Exultation. The First Sight We
Had Of Land Naturally Called Out Their Respective Opinions.
As We Were Pacing The Deck Speculating Upon The Probable
Termination Of Our Voyage, Cape Clear Was Descried By
Volume 1 Chapter 7 (A Gentleman At Large) Pg 35The Look-Out On The Mast-Head.
"Hallo! What's That? Why If It Ain't Land Ahead, As I'm
Alive!" Said Mr. Slick. "Well, Come This Is Pleasant
Too, We Have Made Amost An Everlastin' Short Voyage Of
It, Hante We; And I Must Say I Like Land Quite As Well
As Sea, In A Giniral Way, Arter All; But, Squire, Here
Is The First Britisher. That Critter That's A Clawin' Up
The Side Of The Vessel Like A Cat, Is The Pilot: Now Do
For Goodness Gracious Sake, Jist Look At Him, And Hear
Him."
"What Port?"
"Liverpool."
"Keep Her Up A Point."
"Do You Hear That, Squire? That's English, Or What We
Used To Call To Singing School Short Metre. The Critter
Don't Say A Word, Even As Much As 'By Your Leave'; But
Jist Goes And Takes His Post, And Don't Ask The Name Of
The Vessel, Or Pass The Time O' Day With The Captin. That
Ain't In The Bill, It Tante Paid For That; If It Was,
He'd Off Cap, Touch The Deck Three Times With His Forehead,
And '_Slam_' Like A Turk To His Honour The Skipper.
"There's Plenty Of Civility Here To England If You Pay
For It: You Can Buy As Much In Five Minits, As Will Make
You Sick For A Week; But If You Don't Pay For It, You
Not Only Won't Get It, But You Get Sarce Instead Of It,
That Is If You Are Fool Enough To Stand And Have It Rubbed
In. They Are As Cold As Presbyterian Charity, And Mean
Enough To Put The Sun In Eclipse, Are The English. They
Hante Set Up The Brazen Image Here To Worship, But They've
Got A Gold One, And That They Do Adore And No Mistake;
It's All Pay, Pay, Pay; Parquisite, Parquisite, Parquisite;
Extortion, Extortion, Extortion. There Is A Whole Pack
Of Yelpin' Devils To Your Heels Here, For Everlastinly
A Cringin', Fawnin' And Coaxin', Or Snarlin', Grumblin'
Or Bullyin' You Out Of Your Money. There's The Boatman,
And Tide-Waiter, And Porter, And Custom-Er, And Truck
Man As Soon As You Land; And The Sarvant-Man, And
Chamber-Gall, And Boots, And Porter Again To The Inn.
And Then On The Road, There Is Trunk-Lifter, And Coachman,
And Guard, And Beggar-Man, And A Critter That Opens The
Coach Door, That They Calls A Waterman, Cause He Is
Infarnal Dirty, And Never Sees Water. They Are Jist Like
A Snarl O' Snakes, Their Name Is Legion And There Ain't
No Eend To 'Em.
"The Only Thing You Get For Nothin' Here Is Rain And
Smoke, The Rumatiz, And Scorny Airs. If You Could Buy An
Englishman At What He Was Worth, And Sell Him At His Own
Valiation, He Would Realise As Much As A Nigger, And
Would Be Worth Tradin' In, That's A Fact; But As It Is
He Ain't Worth Nothin', There Is No Market For Such
Critters, No One Would Buy Him At No Price. A Scotchman
Is Wus, For He Is Prouder And Meaner. Pat Ain't No Better
Nother; He Ain't Proud, Cause He Has A Hole In His Breeches
And Another In His Elbow, And He Thinks Pride Won't Patch
'Em, And He Ain't Mean Cause He Hante Got Nothin' To Be
Mean With. Whether It Takes Nine Tailors To Make A Man,
I Can't Jist Exactly Say, But This I Will Say, And Take
My Davy Of It Too, That It Would Take Three Such Goneys
As These To Make A Pattern For One Of Our Rael Genu_Wine_
Free And Enlightened Citizens, And Then I Wouldn't Swap
Without Large Boot, I Tell You. Guess I'll Go, And Pack
Up My Fixing And Have 'Em Ready To Land."
He Now Went Below, Leaving Mr. Hopewell And Myself On
The Deck. All This Tirade Of Mr. Slick Was Uttered In
The Hearing Of The Pilot, And Intended Rather For His
Conciliation, Than My Instruction. The Pilot Was Immoveable;
He Let The Cause Against His Country Go "By Default,"
And Left Us To Our Process Of "Inquiry;" But When Mr.
Slick Was In The Act Of Descending To The Cabin, Be Turned
And Gave Him A Look Of Admeasurement, Very Similar To
That Which A Grazier Gives An Ox; A Look Which Estimates
The Weight And Value Of The Animal, And I Am Bound To
Admit, That The Result Of That "Sizing Or Laying" As It
Is Technically Called, Was By No Means Favourable To The
Attache".
Mr. Hopewell Had Evidently Not Attended To It; His Eye
Was Fixed On The Bold And Precipitous Shore Of Wales,
And The Lofty Summits Of The Everlasting Hills, That In
The Distance, Aspired To A Companionship With The Clouds.
I Took My Seat At A Little Distance From Him And Surveyed
The Scene With Mingled Feelings Of Curiosity And Admiration,
Until A Thick Volume Of Sulphureous Smoke From The Copper
Furnaces Of Anglesey Intercepted Our View.
"Squire," Said He, "It Is Impossible For Us To Contemplate
This Country, That Now Lies Before Us, Without Strong
Emotion. It Is Our Fatherland. I Recollect When I Was A
Colonist, As You Are, We Were In The Habit Of Applying
To It, In Common With Englishmen, That Endearing Appellation
"Home," And I Believe You Still Continue To Do So In The
Provinces. Our Nursery Tales, Taught Our Infant Lips To
Lisp In English, And The Ballads, That First Exercised
Our Memories, Stored The Mind With The Traditions Of Our
Forefathers; Their Literature Was Our Literature, Their
Religion Our Religion, Their History Our History. The
Battle Of Hastings, The Murder Of Becket, The Signature
Of Runymede, The Execution At Whitehall; The Divines,
The Poets, The Orators, The Heroes, The Martyrs, Each
And All Were Familiar To Us.
Volume 1 Chapter 7 (A Gentleman At Large) Pg 36
"In Approaching This Country Now, After A Lapse Of Many,
Many Years, And Approaching It Too For The Last Time,
For Mine Eyes Shall See It No More, I Cannot Describe To
You The Feelings That Agitate My Heart. I Go To Visit
The Tombs Of My Ancestors; I Go To My Home, And My Home
Knoweth Me No More. Great And Good, And Brave And Free
Are The English; And May God Grant That They May Ever
Continue So!"
"I Cordially Join In That Prayer, Sir," Said I; "You Have
A Country Of Your Own. The Old Colonies Having Ripened
Into Maturity, Formed A Distinct And Separate Family, In
The Great Community Of Mankind. You Are Now A Nation Of
Yourselves, And Your Attachment To England, Is Of Course
Subordinate To That Of Your Own Country; You View It As
The Place That Was In Days Of Yore The Home Of Your
Forefathers; We Regard It As The Paternal Estate, Continuing
To Call It 'Home' As You Have Just Now Observed. We Owe
It A Debt Of Gratitude That Not Only Cannot Be Repaid,
But Is Too Great For Expression. Their Armies Protect Us
Within, And Their Fleets Defend Us, And Our Commerce
Without. Their Government Is Not Only Paternal And
Indulgent, But Is Wholly Gratuitous. We Neither Pay These
Forces, Nor Feed Them, Nor Clothe Them. We Not Only Raise
No Taxes, But Are Not Expected To Do So. The Blessings
Of True Religion Are Diffused Among Us, By The Pious
Liberality Of England, And A Collegiate Establishment At
Windsor, Supported By British Friends, Has For Years
Supplied The Church, The Bar And The Legislature With
Scholars And Gentlemen. Where The National Funds Have
Failed, Private Contribution Has Volunteered Its Aid,
And Means Are Never Wanting For Any Useful Or Beneficial
Object.
"Our Condition Is A Most Enviable One. The History Of
The World Has No Example To Offer Of Such Noble
Disinterestedness And Such Liberal Rule, As That Exhibited
By Great Britain To Her Colonies. If The Policy Of The
Colonial Office Is Not Always Good (Which I Fear Is Too
Much To Say) It Is Ever Liberal; And If We Do Not Mutually
Derive All The Benefit We Might From The Connexion, _We_,
At Least, Reap More Solid Advantages Than We Have A Right
To Expect, And More, I Am Afraid, Than Our Conduct Always
Deserves. I Hope The Secretary For The Colonies May Have
The Advantage Of Making Your Acquaintance, Sir. Your
Experience Is So Great, You Might Give Him A Vast Deal
Of Useful Information, Which He Could Obtain From No One
Else.
"Minister," Said Mr. Slick, Who Had Just Mounted The
Companion-Ladder, "Will Your Honour," Touching His Hat,
"Jist Look At Your Honour's Plunder, And See It's All
Right; Remember Me, Sir; Thank Your Honour. This Way,
Volume 1 Chapter 7 (A Gentleman At Large) Pg 37Sir; Let Me Help Your Honour Down. Remember Me Again,
Sir. Thank Your Honour. Now You May Go And Break Your
Neck, Your Honour, As Soon As You Please; For I've Got
All Out Of You I Can Squeeze, That's A Fact. That's
English, Squire--That's English Servility, Which They
Call Civility, And English Meanness And Beggin', Which
They Call Parquisite. Who Was That You Wanted To See The
Minister, That I Heerd You A Talkin' Of When I Come On
Deck?"
"The Secretary Of The Colonies," I Said.
"Oh For Goodness Sake Don't Send That Crittur To Him,"
Said He, "Or Minister Will Have To Pay Him For His Visit,
More, P'raps, Than He Can Afford. John Russell, That Had
The Ribbons Afore Him, Appointed A Settler As A Member
Of Legislative Council To Prince Edward's Island, A Berth
That Has No Pay, That Takes A Feller Three Months A Year
From Home, And Has A Horrid Sight To Do; And What Do You
Think He Did? Now Jist Guess. You Give It Up, Do You?
Well, You Might As Well, For If You Was Five Yankees
Biled Down To One, You Wouldn't Guess It. 'Remember
Secretary's Clerk,' Says He, A Touchin' Of His Hat, 'Give
Him A Little Tip Of Thirty Pound Sterling, Your Honour.'
Well, Colonist Had A Drop Of Yankee Blood In Him, Which
Was About One Third Molasses, And, Of Course, One Third
More Of A Man Than They Commonly Is, And So He Jist Ups
And Says, 'I'll See You And Your Clerk To Jericho Beyond
Jordan Fust. The Office Ain't Worth The Fee. Take It And
Sell It To Some One Else That Has
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