The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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We Left New York In The Afternoon Of -- Day Of May, 184-,
And Embarked On Board Of The Good Packet Ship "Tyler"
For England. Our Party Consisted Of The Reverend Mr.
Hopewell, Samuel Slick, Esq., Myself, And Jube Japan, A
Black Servant Of The Attache.
I Love Brevity--I Am A Man Of Few Words, And, Therefore,
Constitutionally Economical Of Them; But Brevity Is Apt
To Degenerate Into Obscurity. Writing A Book, However,
And Book-Making, Are Two Very Different Things: "Spinning
A Yarn" Is Mechanical, And Book-Making Savours Of Trade,
And Is The Employment Of A Manufacturer. The Author By
Profession, Weaves His Web By The Piece, And As There Is
Much Competition In This Branch Of Trade, Extends It Over
The Greatest Possible Surface, So As To Make The Most Of
His Raw Material. Hence Every Work Of Fancy Is Made To
Reach To Three Volumes, Otherwise It Will Not Pay, And
A Manufacture That Does Not Requite The Cost Of Production,
Invariably And Inevitably Terminates In Bankruptcy. A
Thought, Therefore, Like A Pound Of Cotton, Must Be Well
Spun Out To Be Valuable. It Is Very Contemptuous To Say
Of A Man, That He Has But One Idea, But It Is The Highest
Meed Of Praise That Can Be Bestowed On A Book. A Man,
Who Writes Thus, Can Write For Ever.
Now, It Is Not Only Not My Intention To Write For Ever,
Or As Mr. Slick Would Say "For Everlastinly;" But To Make
My Bow And Retire Very Soon From The Press Altogether.
I Might Assign Many Reasons For This Modest Course, All
Of Them Plausible, And Some Of Them Indeed Quite Dignified.
I Like Dignity: Any Man Who Has Lived The Greater Part
Of His Life In A Colony Is So Accustomed To It, That He
Becomes Quite Enamoured Of It, And Wrapping Himself Up
In It As A Cloak, Stalks Abroad The "Observed Of All
Observers." I Could Undervalue This Species Of Writing
If I Thought Proper, Affect A Contempt For Idiomatic
Humour, Or Hint At The Employment Being Inconsistent With
The Grave Discharge Of Important Official Duties, Which
Volume 1 Chapter 1 (Uncorking A Bottle) Pg 2Are So Distressingly Onerous, As Not To Leave Me A Moment
For Recreation; But These Airs, Though Dignified, Will
Unfortunately Not Avail Me. I Shall Put My Dignity Into
My Pocket, Therefore, And Disclose The Real Cause Of This
Diffidence.
In The Year One Thousand Eight Hundred And Fourteen, I
Embarked At Halifax On Board The Buffalo Store-Ship For
England. She Was A Noble Teak Built Ship Of Twelve Or
Thirteen Hundred Tons Burden, Had Excellent Accommodation,
And Carried Over To Merry Old England, A Very Merry Party
Of Passengers, _Quorum Parva Pars Fui_, A Youngster Just
Emerged From College.
On The Banks Of Newfoundland We Were Becalmed, And The
Passengers Amused Themselves By Throwing Overboard A
Bottle, And Shooting At It With Ball. The Guns Used For
This Occasion, Were The King's Muskets, Taken From The
Arm-Chest On The Quarter-Deck. The Shooting Was Execrable.
It Was Hard To Say Which Were Worse Marksmen, The Officers
Of The Ship, Or The Passengers. Not A Bottle Was Hit:
Many Reasons Were Offered For This Failure, But The Two
Principal Ones Were, That The Muskets Were Bad, And That
It Required Great Skill To Overcome The Difficulty
Occasioned By Both, The Vessel And The Bottle Being In
Motion At The Same Time, And That Motion Dissimilar.
I Lost My Patience. I Had Never Practised Shooting With
Ball; I Had Frightened A Few Snipe, And Wounded A Few
Partridges, But That Was The Extent Of My Experience. I
Knew, However, That I Could Not By Any Possibility Shoot
Worse Than Every Body Else Had Done, And Might By Accident
Shoot Better.
"Give Me A Gun, Captain," Said I, "And I Will Shew You
How To Uncork That Bottle."
I Took The Musket, But Its Weight Was Beyond My Strength
Of Arm. I Was Afraid That I Could Not Hold It Out Steadily,
Even For A Moment, It Was So Very Heavy--I Threw It Up
With A Desperate Effort And Fired. The Neck Of The Bottle
Flew Up In The Air A Full Yard, And Then Disappeared. I
Was Amazed Myself At My Success. Every Body Was Surprised,
But As Every Body Attributed It To Long Practice, They
Were Not So Much Astonished As I Was, Who Knew It Was
Wholly Owing To Chance. It Was A Lucky Hit, And I Made
The Most Of It; Success Made Me Arrogant, And Boy-Like,
I Became A Boaster.
"Ah," Said I Coolly, "You Must Be Born With A Rifle In
Your Hand, Captain, To Shoot Well. Every Body Shoots Well
In America. I Do Not Call Myself A Good Shot. I Have Not
Had The Requisite Experience; But There Are Those Who
Can Take Out The Eye Of A Squirrel At A Hundred Yards."
Volume 1 Chapter 1 (Uncorking A Bottle) Pg 3
"Can You See The Eye Of A Squirrel At That Distance?"
Said The Captain, With A Knowing Wink Of His Own Little
Ferret Eye.
That Question, Which Raised A General Laugh At My Expense,
Was A Puzzler. The Absurdity Of The Story, Which I Had
Heard A Thousand Times, Never Struck Me So Forcibly. But
I Was Not To Be Pat Down So Easily.
"See It!" Said I, "Why Not? Try It And You Will Find Your
Sight Improve With Your Shooting. Now, I Can't Boast Of
Being A Good Marksman Myself; My Studies" (And Here I
Looked Big, For I Doubted If He Could Even Read, Much
Less Construe A Chapter In The Greek Testament) "Did Not
Leave Me Much Time. A Squirrel Is Too Small An Object
For All But An Experienced Man, But A "_Large_" Mark Like
A Quart Bottle Can Easily Be Hit At A Hundred Yards--That
Is Nothing."
"I Will Take You A Bet," Said He, "Of A Doubloon, You Do
Not Do It Again?"
"Thank You," I Replied With Great Indifference: "I Never
Bet, And Besides, That Gun Has So Injured My Shoulder,
That I Could Not, If I Would."
By That Accidental Shot, I Obtained A Great Name As A
Marksman, And By Prudence I Retained It All The Voyage.
This Is Precisely My Case Now, Gentle Reader. I Made An
Accidental Hit With The Clockmaker: When He Ceases To
Speak, I Shall Cease To Write. The Little Reputation I
Then Acquired, I Do Not Intend To Jeopardize By Trying
Too Many Experiments. I Know That It Was Chance--Many
People Think It Was Skill. If They Choose To Think So,
They Have A Right To Their Opinion, And That Opinion Is
Fame. I Value This Reputation Too Highly Not To Take
Care Of It.
As I Do Not Intend Then To Write Often, I Shall Not
Wire-Draw My Subjects, For The Mere Purpose Of Filling
My Pages. Still A Book Should Be Perfect Within Itself,
And Intelligible Without Reference To Other Books. Authors
Are Vain People, And Vanity As Well As Dignity Is Indigenous
To A Colony. Like A Pastry-Cook's Apprentice, I See So
Much Of Both Their Sweet Things Around Me Daily, That I
Have No Appetite For Either Of Them.
I Might Perhaps Be Pardoned, If I Took It For Granted,
That The Dramatis Personae Of This Work Were Sufficiently
Known, Not To Require A Particular Introduction. Dickens
Assumed The Fact That His Book On America Would Travel
Wherever The English Language Was Spoken, And, Therefore,
Called It "Notes For General Circulation." Even Colonists
Volume 1 Chapter 1 (Uncorking A Bottle) Pg 4Say, That This Was Too Bad, And If They Say So, It Must
Be So. I Shall, Therefore, Briefly State, Who And What
The Persons Are That Composed Our Travelling Party, As
If They Were Wholly Unknown To Fame, And Then Leave Them
To Speak For Themselves.
The Reverend Mr. Hopewell Is A Very Aged Clergyman Of
The Church Of England, And Was Educated At Cambridge
College, In Massachusetts. Previously To The Revolution,
He Was Appointed Rector Of A Small Parish In Connecticut.
When The Colonies Obtained Their Independence, He Remained
With His Little Flock In His Native Land, And Continued
To Minister To Their Spiritual Wants Until Within A Few
Years, When His Parishioners Becoming Unitarians, Gave
Him His Dismissal. Affable In His Manners And Simple In
His Habits, With A Mind Well Stored With Human Lore, And
A Heart Full Of Kindness For His Fellow-Creatures, He
Was At Once An Agreeable And An Instructive Companion.
Born And Educated In The United States, When They Were
British Dependencies, And Possessed Of A Thorough Knowledge
Of The Causes Which Led To The Rebellion, And The Means
Used To Hasten The Crisis, He Was At Home On All Colonial
Topics; While His Great Experience Of Both Monarchical
And Democratical Governments, Derived From A Long Residence
In Both, Made Him A Most Valuable Authority On Politics
Generally.
Mr. Samuel Slick Is A Native Of The Same Parish, And
Received His Education From Mr. Hopewell. I First Became
Acquainted With Him While Travelling In Nova Scotia. He
Was Then A Manufacturer And Vendor Of Wooden Clocks. My
First Impression Of Him Was By No Means Favourable. He
Forced Himself Most Unceremoniously Into My Company And
Conversation. I Was Disposed To Shake Him Off, But Could
Not. Talk He Would, And As His Talk Was Of That Kind,
Which Did Not Require Much Reply On My Part, He Took My
Silence For Acquiescence, And Talked On. I Soon Found
That He Was A Character; And, As He Knew Every Part Of
The Lower Colonies, And Every Body In Them, I Employed
Him As My Guide.
I Have Made At Different Times Three Several Tours With
Him, The Results Of Which I Have Given In Three Several
Series Of A Work, Entitled The "Clockmaker, Or The Sayings
And Doings Of Mr. Samuel Slick." Our Last Tour Terminated
At New York, Where, In Consequence Of The Celebrity He
Obtained From These "Sayings And Doings" He Received The
Appointment Of Attache To The American Legation At The
Court Of St. James's. The Object Of This Work Is To
Continue The Record Of His Observations And Proceedings
In England.
The Third Person Of The Party, Gentle Reader, Is Your
Humble Servant, Thomas Poker, Esquire, A Native Of Nova
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