The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Are A Cleaning Of: He Looks Like A First Chop Article
That.'
"'Y Mae',' Sais He.
"'Hullo,' Sais I, 'What In Natur' Is This? Is It Him That
Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 17Can't Speak English, Or Me That Can't Onderstand? For
One On Us Is A Fool, That's Sartain. I'll Try Him Agin.
"So I Sais To Him, 'He Looks,' Sais I, 'As If He'd Trot
A Considerable Good Stick, That Horse,' Sais I, 'I Guess
He Is A Goer.'
"Y' Mae, Ye Un Trotter Da,' Sais He.
"'Creation!' Sais I, 'If This Don't Beat Gineral Trainin'.
I Have Heerd In My Time, Broken French, Broken Scotch,
Broken Irish, Broken Yankee, Broken Nigger, And Broken
Indgin; But I Have Hearn Two Pure Gene_Wine_ Languages
To-Day, And No Mistake, Rael Rook, And Rael Britton, And
I Don't Exactly Know Which I Like Wus. It's No Use To
Stand Talkin' To This Critter. Good-Bye,' Sais I.
"Now What Do You Think He Said? Why, You Would Suppose
He'd Say Good-Bye Too, Wouldn't You? Well, He Didn't,
Nor Nothin' Like It, But He Jist Ups, And Sais,
'Forwelloaugh,' He Did, Upon My Soul. I Never Felt So
Stumpt Afore In All My Life. Sais I, 'Friend, Here Is
Half A Dollar For You; It Arn't Often I'm Brought To A
Dead Stare, And When I Am, I Am Willin' To Pay For It.'
"There's Two Languages, Squire, That's Univarsal: The
Language Of Love, And The Language Of Money; The Galls
Onderstand The One, And The Men Onderstand The Other,
All The Wide World Over, From Canton To Niagara. I No
Sooner Showed Him The Half Dollar, Than It Walked Into
His Pocket, A Plaguy Sight Quicker Than It Will Walk Out,
I Guess.
"Sais I, 'Friend, You've Taken The Consait Out Of Me
Properly. Captain Hall Said There Warn't A Man, Woman,
Or Child, In The Whole Of The Thirteen United Univarsal
Worlds Of Our Great Republic, That Could Speak Pure
English, And I Was A Goin' To Kick Him For It; But He Is
Right, Arter All. There Ain't One Livin' Soul On Us Can;
I Don't Believe They Ever As Much As Heerd It, For I
Never Did, Till This Blessed Day, And There Are Few Things
I Haven't Either See'd, Or Heern Tell Of. Yes, We Can't
Speak English, Do You Take?' 'Dim Comrag,' Sais He, Which
In Yankee, Means, "That's No English," And He Stood,
Looked Puzzled, And Scratched His Head, Rael Hansum, 'Dim
Comrag,' Sais He.
"Well, It Made Me Larf Spiteful. I Felt Kinder Wicked,
And As _I_ Had A Hat On, And I Couldn't Scratch My Head,
I Stood Jist Like Him, Clown Fashion, With My Eyes
Wanderin' And My Mouth Wide Open, And Put My Hand Behind
Me, And Scratched There; And I Stared, And Looked Puzzled
Too, And Made The Same Identical Vacant Face He Did, And
Repeated Arter Him Slowly, With Another Scratch, Mocking
Him Like, 'Dim Comrag.'
"Such A Pair O' Fools You Never Saw, Squire, Since The
Last Time You Shaved Afore A Lookin' Glass; And The Stable
Boys Larfed, And He Larfed, And I Larfed, And It Was The
Only Larf I Had All That Juicy Day.
"Well, I Turns Agin To The Door; But It's The Old Story
Over Again--Rain, Rain, Rain; Spatter, Spatter, Spatter,--'I
Can't Stop Here With These True Brittons,' Sais I, 'Guess
I'll Go And See The Old Squire: He Is In His Study.'
"So I Goes There: 'Squire,' Sais I, 'Let Me Offer You A
Rael Gene_Wine_ Havana Cigar; I Can Recommend It To You.'
He Thanks Me, He Don't Smoke, But Plague Take Him, He
Don't Say, 'If You Are Fond Of Smokin', Pray Smoke
Yourself.' And He Is Writing I Won't Interrupt Him.
"'Waiter, Order Me A Post-Chaise, To Be Here In The
Mornin', When The Rooks Wake.'
"'Yes, Sir.'
"Come, I'll Try The Women Folk In The Drawin'-Room, Agin'.
Ladies Don't Mind The Rain Here; They Are Used To It.
It's Like The Musk Plant, Arter You Put It To Your Nose
Once, You Can't Smell It A Second Time. Oh What Beautiful
Galls They Be! What A Shame It Is To Bar A Feller Out
Such A Day As This. One On 'Em Blushes Like A Red Cabbage,
When She Speaks To Me, That's The One, I Reckon, I
Disturbed This Mornin'. Cuss The Rooks! I'll Pyson Them,
And That Won't Make No Noise.
"She Shows Me The Consarvitery. 'Take Care, Sir, Your
Coat Has Caught This Geranium,' And She Onhitches It.
'Stop, Sir, You'll Break This Jilly Flower,' And She
Lifts Off The Coat Tail Agin; In Fact, It's So Crowded,
You Can't Squeeze Along, Scarcely, Without A Doin' Of
Mischief Somewhere Or Another.
"Next Time, She Goes First, And Then It's My Turn, 'Stop,
Miss,' Sais I, 'Your Frock Has This Rose Tree Over,' And
I Loosens It; Once More, 'Miss, This Rose Has Got Tangled,'
And I Ontangles It From Her Furbeloes.
"I Wonder What Makes My Hand Shake So, And My Heart It
Bumps So, It Has Bust A Button Off. If I Stay In This
Consarvitery, I Shan't Consarve Myself Long, That's A
Fact, For This Gall Has Put Her Whole Team On, And Is A
Runnin' Me Off The Road. 'Hullo! What's That? Bell For
Dressin' For Dinner.' Thank Heavens! I Shall Escape From
Myself, And From This Beautiful Critter, Too, For I'm
Gettin' Spoony, And Shall Talk Silly Presently.
Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 18
"I Don't Like To Be Left Alone With A Gall, It's Plaguy
Apt To Set Me A Soft Sawderin' And A Courtin'. There's
A Sort Of Nateral Attraction Like In This World. Two
Ships In A Calm, Are Sure To Get Up Alongside Of Each
Other, If There Is No Wind, And They Have Nothin' To Do,
But Look At Each Other; Natur' Does It. "Well, Even, The
Tongs And The Shovel, Won't Stand Alone Long; They're
Sure To Get On The Same Side Of The Fire, And Be Sociable;
One On 'Em Has A Loadstone And Draws 'Tother, That's
Sartain. If That's The Case With Hard-Hearted Things,
Like Oak And Iron, What Is It With Tender Hearted Things
Like Humans? Shut Me Up In A 'Sarvatory With A Hansum
Gall Of A Rainy Day, And See If I Don't Think She Is The
Sweetest Flower In It. Yes, I Am Glad It Is The Dinner-Bell,
For I Ain't Ready To Marry Yet, And When I Am, I Guess
I Must Get A Gall Where I Got My Hoss, In Old Connecticut,
And That State Takes The Shine Off Of All Creation For
Geese, Galls And Onions, That's A Fact.
"Well Dinner Won't Wait, So I Ups Agin Once More Near
The Rooks, To Brush Up A Bit; But There It Is Agin The
Same Old Tune, The Whole Blessed Day, Rain, Rain, Rain.
It's Rained All Day And Don't Talk Of Stoppin' Nother.
How I Hate The Sound, And How Streaked I Feel. I Don't
Mind Its Huskin' My Voice, For There Is No One To Talk
To, But Cuss It, It Has Softened My Bones.
"Dinner Is Ready; The Rain Has Damped Every Body's Spirits,
And Squenched 'Em Out; Even Champaign Won't Raise 'Em
Agin; Feedin' Is Heavy, Talk Is Heavy, Time Is Heavy,
Tea Is Heavy, And There Ain't Musick; The Only Thing
That's Light Is A Bed Room Candle--Heavens And Airth How
Glad I Am This '_Juicy Day_' Is Over!"
Volume 1 Chapter 3 (Tying A Night-Cap) Pg 19
In The Preceding Sketch I Have Given Mr. Slick's Account
Of The English Climate, And His Opinion Of The Dulness
Of A Country House, As Nearly As Possible In His Own
Words. It Struck Me At The Time That They Were Exaggerated
Views; But If The Weather Were Unpropitious, And The
Company Not Well Selected, I Can Easily Conceive, That
The Impression On His Mind Would Be As Strong And As
Unfavourable, As He Has Described It To Have Been.
The Climate Of England Is Healthy, And, As It Admits Of
Volume 1 Chapter 3 (Tying A Night-Cap) Pg 20Much Out-Door Exercise, And Is Not Subject To Any Very
Sudden Variation, Or Violent Extremes Of Heat And Cold,
It May Be Said To Be Good, Though Not Agreeable; But Its
Great Humidity Is Very Sensibly Felt By Americans And
Other Foreigners Accustomed To A Dry Atmosphere And Clear
Sky. That Mr. Slick Should Find A Rainy Day In The
Country Dull, Is Not To Be Wondered At; It Is Probable
It Would Be So Any Where, To A Man Who Had So Few Resources,
Within Himself, As The Attache. Much Of Course Depends
On The Inmates; And The Company At The Shropshire House,
To Which He Alludes, Do Not Appear To Have Been The Best
Calculated To Make The State Of The Weather A Matter Of
Indifference To Him.
I Cannot Say, But That I Have At Times Suffered A Depression
Of Spirits From The Frequent, And Sometimes Long Continued
Rains Of This Country; But I Do Not Know That, As An
Ardent Admirer Of Scenery, I Would Desire Less Humidity,
If It Diminished, As I Fear It Would, The Extraordinary
Verdure And Great Beauty Of The English Landscape. With
Respect To My Own Visits At Country Houses, I Have
Generally Been Fortunate In The Weather, And Always In
The Company; But I Can Easily Conceive, That A Man Situated
As Mr. Slick Appears To Have Been With Respect To Both,
Would Find The Combination Intolerably Dull. But To Return
To My Narrative.
Early On The Following Day We Accompanied Our Luggage To
The Wharf, Where A Small Steamer Lay To Convey Us To The
Usual Anchorage Ground Of The Packets, In The Bay. We
Were Attended By A Large Concourse Of People.
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