The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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In One Jumble Of A Sound, Like "Jawe."
"You Black, Evil-Lookin', Foul-Mouthed Villains,' Sais
I, 'I'd Like No Better Sport Than Jist To Sit Here, All
This Blessed Day With These Pistols, And Drop You One
Arter Another, _I_ Know.' But They Was Pets, Was Them
Rooks, And Of Course Like All Pets, Everlastin' Nuisances
To Every Body Else.
"Well, When A Man's In A Feeze, There's No More Sleep
That Hitch; So I Dresses And Sits Up; But What Was I To
Do? It Was Jist Half Past Four, And As It Was A Rainin'
Like Every Thing, I Know'd Breakfast Wouldn't Be Ready
Till Eleven O'clock, For Nobody Wouldn't Get Up If They
Could Help It--They Wouldn't Be Such Fools; So There Was
Jail For Six Hours And A Half.
"Well, I Walked Up And Down The Room, As Easy As I Could,
Not To Waken Folks; But Three Steps And A Round Turn
Makes You Kinder Dizzy, So I Sits Down Again To Chaw The
Cud Of Vexation.
"'Ain't This A Handsum Fix?' Sais I, 'But It Sarves You
Right, What Busniss Had You Here At All? You Always Was
A Fool, And Always Will Be To The Eend Of The Chapter.
--'What In Natur Are You A Scoldin' For?' Sais I: 'That
Won't Mend The Matter; How's Time? They Must Soon Be A
Stirrin' Now, I Guess.' Well, As I Am A Livin' Sinner,
It Was Only Five O'clock; 'Oh Dear,' Sais I, 'Time Is
Like Women And Pigs The More You Want It To Go, The More
It Won't. What On Airth Shall I Do?--Guess, I'll Strap
My Rasor.'
"Well, I Strapped And Strapped Away, Until It Would Cut
A Single Hair Pulled Strait Up On Eend Out O' Your Head,
Without Bendin' It--Take It Off Slick. 'Now,' Sais I,
'I'll Mend My Trowsers I Tore, A Goin' To See The Ruin
Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 10On The Road Yesterday; So I Takes Out Sister Sall's Little
Needle-Case, And Sows Away Till I Got Them To Look
Considerable Jam Agin; 'And Then,' Sais I, 'Here's A
Gallus Button Off, I'll Jist Fix That,' And When That
Was Done, There Was A Hole To My Yarn Sock, So I Turned
Too And Darned That.
"'Now,' Sais I, 'How Goes It? I'm Considerable Sharp Set.
It Must Be Gettin' Tolerable Late Now.' It Wanted A
Quarter To Six. 'My! Sakes,' Sais I, 'Five Hours And A
Quarter Yet Afore Feedin' Time; Well If That Don't Pass.
What Shall I Do Next?' 'I'll Tell You What To Do,' Sais
I, 'Smoke, That Will Take The Edge Of Your Appetite Off,
And If They Don't Like It, They May Lump It; What Business
Have They To Keep Them Horrid Screetchin' Infarnal,
Sleepless Rooks To Disturb People That Way?' Well, I
Takes A Lucifer, And Lights A Cigar, And I Puts My Head Up
The Chimbly To Let The Smoke Off, And It Felt Good, I
Promise _You_. I Don't Know As I Ever Enjoyed One Half So
Much Afore. It Had A Rael First Chop Flavour Had That Cigar.
"'When That Was Done,' Sais I, 'What Do You Say To
Another?' 'Well, I Don't Know,' Sais I, 'I Should Like
It, That's A Fact; But Holdin' Of My Head Crooked Up
Chimbly That Way, Has A' Most Broke My Neck; I've Got
The Cramp In It Like.'
"So I Sot, And Shook My Head First A One Side And Then
The Other, And Then Turned It On Its Hinges As Far As It
Would Go, Till It Felt About Right, And Then I Lights
Another, And Puts My Head In The Flue Again.
"Well, Smokin' Makes, A Feller Feel Kinder Good-Natured,
And I Began To Think It Warn't Quite So Bad Arter All,
When Whop Went My Cigar Right Out Of My Mouth Into My
Bosom, Atween The Shirt And The Skin, And Burnt Me Like
A Gally Nipper. Both My Eyes Was Fill'd At The Same Time,
And I Got A Crack On The Pate From Some Critter Or Another
That Clawed And Scratched My Head Like Any Thing, And
Then Seemed To Empty A Bushel Of Sut On Me, And I Looked
Like A Chimbly Sweep, And Felt Like Old Scratch Himself.
My Smoke Had Brought Down A Chimbly Swaller, Or A Martin,
Or Some Such Varmint, For It Up And Off Agin' Afore I
Could Catch It, To Wring Its Infarnal Neck Off, That's
A Fact.
"Well, Here Was Somethin' To Do, And No Mistake: Here
Was To Clean And Groom Up Agin' Till All Was In Its Right
Shape; And A Pretty Job It Was, I Tell You. I Thought
I Never Should Get The Sut Out Of My Hair, And Then Never
Get It Out Of My Brush Again, And My Eyes Smarted So,
They Did Nothing But Water, And Wink, And Make Faces.
But I Did; I Worked On And Worked On, Till All Was Sot
Right Once More.
Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 11
"'Now,' Sais I, 'How's Time?' 'Half Past Seven,' Sais I,
'And Three Hours And A Half More Yet To Breakfast. Well,'
Sais I, 'I Can't Stand This--And What's More I Won't: I
Begin To Get My Ebenezer Up, And Feel Wolfish. I'll Ring
Up The Handsum Chamber-Maid, And Just Fall To, And Chaw
Her Right Up--I'm Savagerous.'* 'That's Cowardly,' Sais
I, 'Call The Footman, Pick A Quarrel With Him And Kick
Him Down Stairs, Speak But One Word To Him, And Let That
Be Strong Enough To Skin The Coon Arter It Has Killed
Him, The Noise Will Wake Up Folks _I_ Know, And Then We
Shall Have Sunthin' To Eat.'
[* Footnote: The Word "Savagerous" Is Not Of "Yankee"
But Of "Western Origin."--Its Use In This Place Is Best
Explained By The Following Extract From The Third Series
Of The Clockmaker. "In Order That The Sketch Which I Am
Now About To Give May Be Fully Understood, It May Be
Necessary To Request The Reader To Recollect That Mr.
Slick Is A _Yankee_, A Designation The Origin Of Which
Is Now Not Very Obvious, But It Has Been Assumed By, And
Conceded By Common Consent To, The Inhabitants Of New
England. It Is A Name, Though Sometimes Satirically Used,
Of Which They Have Great Reason To Be Proud, As It Is
Descriptive Of A Most Cultivated, Intelligent, Enterprising,
Frugal, And Industrious Population, Who May Well Challenge
A Comparison With The Inhabitants Of Any Other Country
In The World; But It Has Only A Local Application.
"The United States Cover An Immense Extent Of Territory,
And The Inhabitants Of Different Parts Of The Union Differ
As Widely In Character, Feelings, And Even In Appearance,
As The People Of Different Countries Usually Do. These
Sections Differ Also In Dialect And In Humour, As Much
As In Other Things, And To As Great, If Not A Greater
Extent, Than The Natives Of Different Parts Of Great
Britain Vary From Each Other. It Is Customary In Europe
To Call All Americans, Yankees; But It Is As Much A
Misnomer As It Would Be To Call All Europeans Frenchmen.
Throughout These Works It Will Be Observed, That Mr.
Slick's Pronunciation Is That Of The Yankee, Or An
Inhabitant Of The _Rural Districts_ Of New England. His
Conversation Is Generally Purely So; But In Some Instances
He Uses, As His Countrymen Frequently Do From Choice,
Phrases Which, Though Americanisms, Are Not Of Eastern
Origin. Wholly To Exclude These Would Be To Violate The
Usages Of American Life; To Introduce Them Oftener Would
Be To Confound Two Dissimilar Dialects, And To Make An
Equal Departure From The Truth. Every Section Has Its
Own Characteristic Dialect, A Very Small Portion Of Which
It Has Imparted To Its Neighbours. The Dry, Quaint Humour
Of New England Is Occasionally Found In The West, And
The Rich Gasconade And Exaggerative Language Of The West
Migrates Not Unfrequently To The East. This Idiomatic
Volume 1 Chapter 2 (A Juicy Day In The Country) Pg 12Exchange Is Perceptibly On The Increase. It Arises From
The Travelling Propensities Of The Americans, And The
Constant Intercourse Mutually Maintained By The Inhabitants
Of The Different States. A Droll Or An Original Expression
Is Thus Imported And Adopted, And, Though Not Indigenous,
Soon Becomes Engrafted On The General Stock Of The Language
Of The Country."--3rd Series, P. 142.]
"I Was Ready To Bile Right Over, When As Luck Would Have
It, The Rain Stopt All Of A Sudden, The Sun Broke Out O'
Prison, And I Thought I Never Seed Any Thing Look So
Green And So Beautiful As The Country Did. 'Come,' Sais
I, 'Now For A Walk Down The Avenue, And A Comfortable
Smoke, And If The Man At The Gate Is Up And Stirrin', I
Will Just Pop In And Breakfast With Him And His Wife.
There Is Some Natur There, But Here It's All Cussed Rooks
And Chimbly Swallers, And Heavy Men And Fat Women, And
Lazy Helps, And Sunday Every Day In The Week.' So I Fills
My Cigar-Case And Outs Into The Passage.
"But Here Was A Fix! One Of The Doors Opened Into The
Great Staircase, And Which Was It? 'Ay,' Sais I, 'Which
Is It, Do You Know?' 'Upon My Soul, I Don't Know,' Sais
I; 'But Try, It's No Use To Be Caged Up Here Like A
Painter, And Out I Will, That's A Fact.'
"So I Stops And Studies, 'That's It,' Sais I, And I Opens
A Door: It Was A Bedroom--It Was The Likely Chambermaid's.
"'Softly, Sir,' Sais She, A Puttin' Of Her Finger On Her
Lip, 'Don't Make No Noise; Missus Will Hear You.'
"'Yes,' Sais I, 'I Won't Make No Noise;' And I Outs And
Shuts The Door Too Arter Me Gently.
"'What Next?' Sais I; 'Why You Fool, You,' Sais I, 'Why
Didn't You Ax The Sarvant Maid, Which Door It Was?' 'Why
I Was So Conflastrigated,' Sais I, 'I Didn't Think Of
It. Try That Door,' Well I Opened Another, It Belonged
To One O' The Horrid Hansum Stranger Galls That Dined At
Table Yesterday. When She Seed Me, She Gave A Scream,
Popt Her Head Onder The Clothes, Like A Terrapin, And
Vanished--Well I Vanished Too.
"'Ain't This Too Bad?' Sais I; 'I Wish I Could Open A
Man's Door, I'd Lick Him Out Of Spite; I Hope I May Be
Shot If I Don't, And I Doubled Up My Fist, For I Didn't
Like It A Spec, And Opened Another Door--It Was The
Housekeeper's. 'Come,' Sais I, 'I Won't Be Balked No
More.' She Sot Up And Fixed Her Cap. A Woman
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