The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
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Have Seen Liverpool At Last, Eh! Or, As Rufus Said, I
Have Felt It Too, For This Wet Day Reminds Me Of The Rest
Of His Story.
"In About A Half Hour Arter Rufus Raced Off To The Falls,
Back He Comes As Hard As He Could Tear, A-Puffing And A
Blowin' Like A Sizeable Grampus. You Never Seed Such A
Figure As He Was, He Was Wet Through And Through, And
The Dry Dust Stickin' To His Clothes, Made Him Look Like
A Dog, That Had Jumped Into The Water, And Then Took A
Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 45Roll In The Road To Dry Hisself; He Was A Caution To Look
At, That's A Fact.
"'Well,' Sais I, 'Stranger, Did You See The Falls?'
"'Yes,' Sais He, 'I Have See'd 'Em And Felt 'Em Too;
Them's Very Wet Falls, That's A Fact. I Hante A Dry Rag
On Me; If It Hadn't A Been For That Ere Britisher, I
Wouldn't Have See'd 'Em At All, And Yet A Thought I Had
Been There All The Time. It's A Pity Too, That That Winder
Don't Bear On It, For Then You Could See It Without The
Trouble Of Goin' There, Or Gettin' Ducked, Or Gettin'
Skeered So. I Got An Awful Fright There--I Shall Never
Forget It, If I Live As Long As Merusalem. You Know I
Hadn't Much Time Left, When. I Found Out I Hadn't Been
There Arter All, So I Ran All The Way, Right Down As Hard
As I Could Clip; And, Seein' Some Folks Comin' Out From
Onder The Fall, I Pushed Strait In, But The Noise Actilly
Stunned Me, And The Spray Wet Me Through And Through Like
A Piece Of Sponged Cloth; And The Great Pourin', Bilin'
Flood, Blinded Me So I Couldn't See A Bit; And I Hadn't
Gone Far In, Afore A Cold, Wet, Clammy, Dead Hand, Felt
My Face All Over. I Believe In My Soul, It Was The Indian
Squaw That Went Over The Falls In The Canoe, Or The Crazy
Englisher, That Tried To Jump Across It.
"'Oh Creation, How Cold It Was! The Moment That Spirit
Rose, Mine Fell, And I Actilly Thought I Should Have
Dropt Lumpus, I Was So Skeered. Give Me Your Hand, Said
Ghost, For I Didn't See Nothin' But A Kinder Dark Shadow.
Give Me Your Hand. I Think It Must Ha' Been The Squaw,
For It Begged For All The World, Jist Like An Indgian.
I'd See You Hanged Fust, Said I; I Wouldn't Touch That
Are Dead Tacky Hand O' Yourn' For Half A Million O' Hard
Dollars, Cash Down Without Any Ragged Eends; And With
That, I Turned To Run Out, But Lord Love You I Couldn't
Run. The Stones Was All Wet And Slimy, And Onnateral
Slippy, And I Expected Every Minute, I Should Heels Up
And Go For It: Atween Them Two Critters The Ghost And
The Juicy Ledge, I Felt Awful Skeered I Tell _You_. So
I Begins To Say My Catechism; What's Your Name, Sais I?
Rufus Dodge. Who Gave You That Name? Godfather And
Godmother Granny Eells. What Did They Promise For You?
That I Should Renounce The Devil And All His
Works--Works--Works--I Couldn't Get No Farther, I Stuck
Fast There, For I Had Forgot It.
"'The Moment I Stopt, Ghost Kinder Jumped Forward, And
Seized Me By My Mustn't-Mention'ems, And Most Pulled The
Seat Out. Oh Dear! My Heart Most Went Out Along With It,
For I Thought My Time Had Come. You Black She-Sinner Of
A Heathen Indgian! Sais I; Let Me Go This Blessed Minite,
For I Renounce The Devil And All His Works, The Devil
And All His Works--So There Now; And I Let Go A Kick
Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 46Behind, The Wickedest You Ever See, And Took It Right In
The Bread Basket. Oh, It Yelled And Howled And Screached
Like A Wounded Hyaena, Till My Ears Fairly Cracked Agin.
I Renounce You, Satan, Sais I; I Renounce You, And The
World, And The Flesh And The Devil. And Now, Sais I, A
Jumpin' On Terry Firm Once More, And Turnin' Round And
Facin' The Enemy, I'll Promise A Little Dust More For
Myself, And That Is To Renounce Niagara, And Indgian
Squaws, And Dead Britishers, And The Whole Seed, Breed
And Generation Of 'Em From This Time Forth, For Evermore.
Amen.
"'Oh Blazes! How Cold My Face Is Yet. Waiter, Half A
Pint Of Clear Cocktail; Somethin' To Warm Me. Oh, That
Cold Hand! Did You Ever Touch A Dead Man's Hand? It's
Awful Cold, You May Depend. Is There Any Marks On My
Face? Do You See The Tracks Of The Fingers There?'
"'No, Sir,' Sais I,' I Can't Say I Do.'
"'Well, Then I Feel Them There,' Sais He, 'As Plain As
Any Thing.'
"'Stranger,' Sais I, 'It Was Nothin' But Some Poor
No-Souled Critter, Like Yourself, That Was Skeered A'most
To Death, And Wanted To Be Helped Out That's All."
"'Skeered!' Said He, 'Sarves Him Right Then; He Might
Have Knowed How To Feel For Other Folks, And Not Funkify
Them So Peskily; I Don't Keer If He Never Gets Out; But
I Have My Doubts About Its Bein' A Livin' Human, I Tell
_You_. If I Hadn't A Renounced The Devil And All His
Works That Time, I Don't Know What The Upshot Would Have
Been, For Old Scratch Was There Too. I Saw Him As Plain
As I See You; He Ran Out Afore Me, And Couldn't Stop Or
Look Back, As Long As I Said Catekism. He Was In His Old
Shape Of The Sarpent; He Was The Matter Of A Yard Long,
And As Thick Round As My Arm And Travelled Belly-Flounder
Fashion; When I Touched Land, He Dodged Into An Eddy,
And Out Of Sight In No Time. Oh, There Is No Mistake,
I'll Take My Oath Of It; I See Him, I Did Upon My Soul.
It Was The Old Gentleman Hisself; He Come There To Cool
Hisself. Oh, It Was The Devil, That's A Fact.'
"'It Was Nothin' But A Fresh Water Eel,' Sais I; 'I Have
Seen Thousands Of 'Em There; For The Crevices Of Them
Rocks Are Chock Full Of 'Em. How Can You Come For To Go,
For To Talk Arter That Fashion; You Are A Disgrace To
Our Great Nation, You Great Lummokin Coward, You. An
American Citizen Is Afeerd Of Nothin', But A Bad
Spekilation, Or Bein' Found Oat.'
"Well, That Posed Him, He Seemed Kinder Bothered, And
Looked Down.
Volume 1 Chapter 8 (Seeing Liverpool) Pg 47
"'An Eel, Eh! Well, It Mought Be An Eel,' Sais Be, 'That's
A Fact. I Didn't Think Of That; But Then If It Was, It
Was God-Mother Granny Eells, That Promised I Should
Renounce The Devil And All His Works, That Took That
Shape, And Come To Keep Me To My Bargain. She Died Fifty
Years Ago, Poor Old Soul, And Never Kept Company With
Indgians, Or Niggers, Or Any Such Trash. Heavens And
Airth! I Don't Wonder The Falls Wakes The Dead, It Makes
Such An Everlastin' Almighty Noise, Does Niagara. Waiter,
More Cocktail, That Last Was As Weak As Water.'
"'Yes, Sir,' And He Swallered It Like Wink.
"'The Stage Is Ready, Sir.'
"'Is It?' Said He, And He Jumped In All Wet As He Was;
For Time Is Money And He Didn't Want To Waste Neither.
As It Drove Off, I Heerd Him Say, 'Well Them's The Falls,
Eh! So I Have Seen The Falls Of Niagara And Felt 'Em Too,
Eh!'
"Now, We Are Better Off Than Rufus Dodge Was, Squire;
For We Hante Got Wet, And We Hante Got Frightened, But
We Can Look Out O' The Winder And Say, 'Well, That's
Liverpool, Eh! So I Have--Seen Liverpool.'"
Volume 1 Chapter 9 (Changing A Name) Pg 48
The Rain Having Confined Us To The House This Afternoon,
We Sat Over Our Wine After Dinner Longer Than Usual.
Among The Different Topics That Were Discussed, The Most
Prominent Was The State Of The Political Parties In This
Country. Mr. Slick, Who Paid Great Deference To The
Opinions Of Mr. Hopewell, Was Anxious To Ascertain From
Him What He Thought Upon The Subject, In Order To Regulate
His Conduct And Conversation By It Hereafter.
"Minister," Said He, "What Do You Think Of The Politics
Of The British?"
"I Don't Think About Them At All, Sam. I Hear So Much Of
Such Matters At Home, That I Am Heartily Tired Of Them;
Our Political World Is Divided Into Two Classes, The
Knaves And The Dupes. Don't Let Us Talk Of Such Exciting,
Things."
"But, Minister," Said Mr. Slick, "Holdin' The High And
Dignified Station I Do, As Attache, They Will Be A-Pumpin'
Me For Everlastinly, Will The Great Men Here, And They
Think A Plaguy Sight More Of Our Opinion Than You Are
Aware On; We Have Tried All Them Things They Are A Jawin'
About Here, And They Naterally Want To Know The Results.
Cooper Says Not One Tory Called On Him When He Was To
England, But Walter Scott; And That I Take It, Was More
Lest Folks Should Think He Was Jealous Of Him, Than Any
Thing Else; They Jist Cut Him As Dead As A Skunk; But
Among The Whigs, He Was Quite An Oracle On Ballot,
Univarsal Suffrage, And All Other Democratic Institutions."
"Well, He Was A Ninny Then, Was Cooper, To Go And Blart
It All Out To The World That Way; For If No Tory Visited
Him, I Should Like You To Ask Him The Next Time You See
Him, How Many Gentlemen Called Upon Him? Jist Ask Him
That, And It Will Stop Him From Writing Such Stuff Any
More."
"But, Minister, Jist Tell Us Now, Here You Are, As A Body
Might Say In England,
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