The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗

He Will Choose.

 

"As To Those Conservatives,  I Don't Know What To Say,

Sam; I Should Like To Put You Right If I Could. But I'll

Tell You What Puzzles Me. I Ask Myself What Is A Tory?

I Find He Is A Man Who Goes The Whole Figur' For The

Support Of The Monarchy,  In Its Three Orders,  Of King,

Volume 1 Chapter 9 (Changing A Name) Pg 52

Lords,  And Commons,  As By Law Established; That He Is

For The Connexion Of Church And State And So On; And That

As The Wealthiest Man In England,  He Offers To Prove His

Sincerity,  By Paying The Greatest Part Of The Taxes To

Uphold These Things. Well,  Then I Ask What Is Consarvitism?

I Am Told That It Means,  What It Imports,  A Conservation

Of Things As They Are. Where,  Then,  Is The Difference?

_If There Is No Difference,  It Is A Mere Juggle To Change

The Name: If There Is A Difference,  The Word Is Worse

Than A Juggle,  For It Don't Import Any_."

 

"Tell You What," Said Mr. Slick,  "I Heerd An Old Critter

To Halifax Once Describe 'Em Beautiful. He Said He Could

Tell A Man's Politicks By His Shirt. 'A Tory,  Sir,' Said

He,  For He Was A Pompious Old Boy Was Old Blue-Nose; 'A

Tory,  Sir,' Said He,  'Is A Gentleman Every Inch Of Him,

Stock,  Lock,  And Barrel; And He Puts A Clean Frill Shirt

On Every Day. A Whig,  Sir,' Says He,  'Is A Gentleman

Every Other Inch Of Him,  And He Puts An Onfrilled One On

Every Other Day. A Radical,  Sir,  Ain't No Gentleman At

All,  And He Only Puts One On Of A Sunday. But A Chartist,

Sir,  Is A Loafer; He Never Puts One On Till The Old One

Won't Hold Together No Longer,  And Drops Off In,  Pieces.'"

 

"Pooh!" Said Mr. Hopewell,  "Now Don't Talk Nonsense; But

As I Was A-Goin' To Say,  I Am A Plain Man,  And A

Straightforward Man,  Sam; What I Say,  I Mean; And What

I Mean,  I Say. Private And Public Life Are Subject To

The Same Rules; And Truth And Manliness Are Two Qualities

That Will Carry You Through This World Much Better Than

Policy,  Or Tact,  Or Expediency,  Or Any Other Word That

Ever Was Devised To Conceal,  Or Mystify A Deviation From

The Straight Line. They Have A Sartificate Of Character,

These Consarvitives,  In Having The Support Of The Tories;

But That Don't Quite Satisfy Me. It May,  Perhaps,  Mean

No More Than This,  Arter All--They Are The Best Sarvants

We Have; But Not As Good As We Want. However,  I Shall

Know More About It Soon; And When I Do,  I Will Give You

My Opinion Candidly. One Thing,  However,  Is Certain,  A

Change In The Institutions Of A Country I Could Accede

To,  Approve,  And Support,  If Necessary And Good; But I

Never Can Approve Of Either An Individual Or A

Party--'_Changing A Name_.'

 

 

Volume 1 Chapter 10 (The Nelson Monument) Pg 53

The Following Day Being Dry,  We Walked Out To View The

Wonders Of This Great Commercial City Of England,  Liverpool.

The Side-Paths Were Filled With An Active And Busy

Population,  And The Main Streets Thronged With Heavily-Laden

Waggons,  Conveying To The Docks The Manufactures Of The

Country,  Or Carrying Inward The Productions Of Foreign

Nations. It Was An Animating And Busy Scene.

 

"This," Said Mr. Hopewell,  "Is Solitude. It Is In A Place

Like This,  That You Feel Yourself To Be An Isolated Being,

When You Are Surrounded By Multitudes Who Have No Sympathy

With You,  To Whom You Are Not Only Wholly Unknown,  But

Not One Of Whom You Have Ever Seen Before.

 

"The Solitude Of The Vast American Forest Is Not Equal

To This. Encompassed By The Great Objects Of Nature,  You

Recognise Nature's God Every Where; You Feel His Presence,

And Rely On His Protection. Every Thing In A City Is

Artificial,  The Predominant Idea Is Man; And Man,  Under

Circumstances Like The Present,  Is Neither Your Friend

Nor Protector. You Form No Part Of The Social System

Here. Gregarious By Nature,  You Cannot Associate; Dependent,

You Cannot Attach Yourself; A Rational Being,  You Cannot

Interchange Ideas. In Seeking The Wilderness You Enter

The Abode Of Solitude,  And Are Naturally And Voluntarily

Alone. On Visiting A City,  On The Contrary,  You Enter

The Residence Of Man,  And If You Are Forced Into Isolation

There,  To You It Is Worse Than A Desert.

 

"I Know Of Nothing So Depressing As This Feeling Of

Unconnected Individuality,  Amidst A Dense Population Like

This. But,  My Friend,  There Is One Who Never Forsakes Us

Either In The Throng Or The Wilderness,  Whose Ear Is

Always Open To Our Petitions,  And Who Has Invited Us To

Rely On His Goodness And Mercy."

 

"You Hadn't Ought To Feel Lonely Here,  Minister," Said

Mr. Slick. "It's A Place We Have A Right To Boast Of Is

Liverpool; We Built It,  And I'll Tell You What It Is,  To

Build Two Such Cities As New York And Liverpool In The

Short Time We Did,  Is Sunthin' To Brag Of. If There Had

Been No New York,  There Would Have Been No Liverpool;

But If There Had Been No Liverpool,  There Would Have Been

A New York Though. They Couldn't Do Nothin' Without Us.

We Had To Build Them Elegant Line-Packets For 'Em; They

Couldn't Build One That Could Sail,  And If She Sail'd

She Couldn't Steer,  And If She Sail'd And Steer'd,  She

Upsot; There Was Always A Screw Loose Somewhere.

 

"It Cost Us A Great Deal Too To Build Them Ere Great

Docks. They Cover About Seventy Acres,  I Reckon. We Have

To Pay Heavy Port Dues To Keep 'Em Up,  And Pay Interest

On Capital. The Worst Of It Is,  Too,  While We Pay For

All This,  We Hante Got The Direction Of The Works."

Volume 1 Chapter 10 (The Nelson Monument) Pg 54

 

"If You Have Paid For All These Things," Said I,  "You

Had Better Lay Claim To Liverpool. Like The Disputed

Territory (To Which It Now Appears,  You Knew You Had No

Legal Or Equitable Claim),  It Is Probable You Will Have

Half Of It Ceded To You,  For The Purpose Of Conciliation.

I Admire This Boast Of Yours Uncommonly. It Reminds Me

Of The Conversation We Had Some Years Ago,  About The

Device On Your "Naval Button," Of The Eagle Holding An

Anchor In Its Claws--That National Emblem Of Ill-Directed

Ambition And Vulgar Pretension."

 

"I Thank You For That Hint," Said Mr. Slick,  "I Was In

Jeest Like; But There Is More In It,  For All That,  Than

You'd Think. It Ain't Literal Fact,  But It Is Figurative

Truth. But Now I'll Shew You Sunthin' In This Town,  That's

As False As Parjury,  Sunthin That's A Disgrace To This

Country And An Insult To Our Great Nation,  And There Is

No Jeest In It Nother,  But A Downright Lie; And,  Since

You Go For To Throw Up To Me Our Naval Button With Its

'Eagle And Anchor,' I'll Point Out To You Sunthin' A

Hundred Thousand Million Times Wus. What Was The Name O'

That English Admiral Folks Made Such A Touss About; That

Cripple-Gaited,  One-Eyed,  One-Armed Little Naval Critter?"

 

"Do You Mean Lord Nelson?"

 

"I Do," Said He,  And Pointing To His Monument,  He Continued,

" There He Is As Big As Life,  Five Feet Nothin',  With

His Shoes On. Now Examine That Monument,  And Tell Me If

The English Don't Know How To Brag,  As Well As Some Other

Folks,  And Whether They Don't Brag Too Sumtimes,  When

They Hante Got No Right To. There Is Four Figures There

A Representing The Four Quarters Of The Globe In Chains,

And Among Them America,  A Crouchin' Down,  And A-Beggin'

For Life,  Like A Mean Heathen Ingin. Well,  Jist Do The

Civil Now,  And Tell Me When That Little Braggin' Feller

Ever Whipped Us,  Will You? Just Tell Me The Day Of The

Year He Was Ever Able To Do It,  Since His Mammy Cut The

Apron String And Let Him Run To Seek His Fortin'. Heavens

And Airth,  We'd A Chawed Him Right Up!

 

"No,  There Never Was An Officer Among You,  That Had Any

Thing To Brag Of About Us But One,  And He Wasn't A

Britisher--He Was A Despisable Blue-Nose Colonist Boy Of

Halifax. When His Captain Was Took Below Wounded,  He Was

Leftenant,  So He Jist Ups And Takes Command O' The Shannon,

And Fit Like A Tiger And Took Our Splendid Frigate The

Chesapeake,  And That Was Sumthing To Brag On. And What

Did He Get For It? Why Colony Sarce,  Half-Pay,  And Leave

To Make Room For Englishers To Go Over His Head; And Here

Is A Lyin' False Monument,  Erected To This Man That Never

Even See'd One Of Our National Ships,  Much Less Smelt

Thunder And Lightning Out Of One,  That English Like,  Has

Volume 1 Chapter 10 (The Nelson Monument) Pg 55

Got This For What He Didn't Do.

 

"I Am Sorry Mr. Lett [Footnote: This Was The Man That

Blew Up The Brock Monument In Canada. _He Was A Patriot_.]

Is Dead To Canada,  Or I'd Give Him A Hint About This.

I'd Say,  'I Hope None Of Our Free And Enlightened Citizens

Will Blow This Lyin',  Swaggerin',  Bullyin' Monument Up?

I Should Be Sorry For 'Em To Take Notice Of Such Vulgar

Insolence As This; For Bullies Will Brag.' He'd Wink And

Say,  'I Won't Non-Concur With You,  Mr. Slick. I Hope It

Won't Be Blowed Up; But Wishes Like Dreams Come Con_Trary_

Ways Sometimes,  And I Shouldn't Much Wonder If It Bragged

Till It Bust Some Night.' It Would Go For It,  That's A

Fact. For Mr. Lett Has A Kind Of Nateral Genius For

Blowin' Up Of Monuments.

 

"Now You Talk Of Our Eagle Takin' An Anchor In Its Claws

As Bad Taste. I