The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗
- Author: Thomas Chandler Haliburton
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Diggins. Yes, It's Pretty Is This Cottage; But It's Small,
Arter All. You Feel Like A Squirrel In A Cage, In It;
You Have To Run Round And Round, And Don't Go Forward
None. What Would A Man Do With A Rifle Here? For My Part,
I Have A Taste For The Wild Woods; It Comes On Me Regular
In The Fall, Like The Lake Fever, And I Up Gun, And Off
For A Week Or Two, And Camp Out, And Get A Snuff Of The
Spruce-Wood Air, And A Good Appetite, And A Bit Of Fresh
Ven'son To Sup On At Night.
"I Shall Be Off To The Highlands This Fall; But, Cuss
Em, They Hante Got No Woods There; Nothin' But Heather,
And Thats Only High Enough To Tear Your Clothes. That's
The Reason The Scotch Don't Wear No Breeches, They Don't
Like To Get 'Em Ragged Up That Way For Everlastinly, They
Can't Afford It; So They Let Em Scratch And Tear Their
Skin, For That Will Grow Agin, And Trowsers Won't.
"Yes, It's A Pretty Cottage That, And A Nice Tidy Body
That Too, Is Mrs. Hodgins. I've Seen The Time When I
Would Have Given A Good Deal To Have Been So Well Housed
As That. There Is Some Little Difference Atween That
Cottage And A Log Hut Of A Poor Back Emigrant Settler,
You And I Know Where. Did Ever I Tell You Of The Night
I Spent At Lake Teal, With Old Judge Sandford?"
"No, Not That I Recollect."
"Well, Once Upon A Time I Was A-Goin' From Mill-Bridge
To Shadbrooke, On A Little Matter Of Bisness, And An
Awful Bad And Lonely Road It Was, Too. There Was Scarcely
No Settlers In It, And The Road Was All Made Of Sticks,
Stones, Mud Holes, And Broken Bridges. It Was Een Amost
Onpassible, And Who Should I Overtake On The Way But The
Judge, And His Guide, On Horseback, And Lawyer Traverse
A-Joggin' Along In His Gig, At The Rate Of Two Miles An
Hour At The Fardest.
"'Mornin,' Sais The Judge, For He Was A Sociable Man,
And Had A Kind Word For Every Body, Had The Judge. Few
Men 'Know'd Human Natur' Better Nor He Did, And What He
Used To Call The Philosophy Of Life. 'I Am Glad To See
You On The Road, Mr. Slick, Sais He, 'For It Is So Bad
I Am Afraid There Are Places That Will Require Our United
Efforts To Pass 'Em.'
"Well, I Felt Kinder Sorry For The Delay Too, For I Know'd
We Should Make A Poor Journey On't, On Account Of That
Lawyer Critter's Gig, That Hadn't No More Busness On That
Rough Track Than A Steam Engine Had. But I See'd The
Judge Wanted Me To Stay Company, And Help Him Along, And
So I Did. He Was Fond Of A Joke, Was The Old Judge, And
Sais He,
"'I'm Afraid We Shall Illustrate That Passage O' Scriptur',
Mr. Slick,' Said He, '"And Their Judges Shall Be Overthrown
In Stony Places." It's Jist A Road For It, Ain't It?'
"Well We Chattered Along The Road This Way A Leetle, Jist
A Leetle Faster Than We Travelled, For We Made A Snail's
Gallop Of It, That's A Fact; And Night Overtook Us, As
I Suspected It Would, At Obi Rafuse's, At The Great Lake;
And As It Was The Only Public For Fourteen Miles, And
Dark Was Settin' In, We Dismounted, But Oh, What A House
It Was!
"Obi Was An Emigrant, And Those Emigrants Are Ginerally
So Fond Of Ownin' The Soil, That Like Misers, They Carry
As Much Of It About 'Em On Their Parsons, In A Common
Way, As They Cleverly Can. Some On 'Em Are Awful Dirty
Folks, That's A Fact, And Obi Was One Of Them. He Kept
Public, Did Obi; The Sign Said It Was A House Of
Entertainment For Man And Beast. For Critters That Ain't
Human, I Do Suppose It Spoke The Truth, For It Was Enough
To Make A Hoss Larf, If He Could Understand It, That's
A Fact; But Dirt, Wretchedness And Rags, Don't Have That
Effect On Me.
"The House Was Built Of Rough Spruce Logs, (The Only
Thing Spruce About It), With The Bark On, And The Cracks
And Seams Was Stuffed With Moss. The Roof Was Made Of
Coarse Slabs, Battened And Not Shingled, And The Chimbly
Peeped Out Like A Black Pot, Made Of Sticks And Mud, The
Way A Crow's Nest Is. The Winders Were Half Broke Out,
And Stopped Up With Shingles And Old Clothes, And A Great
Bank Of Mud And Straw All Round, Reached Half Way Up To
The Roof, To Keep The Frost Out Of The Cellar. It Looked
Like An Old Hat On A Dung Heap. I Pitied The Old Judge,
Because He Was A Man That Took The World As He Found It,
And Made No Complaints. He Know'd If You Got The Best,
It Was No Use Complainin' That The Best Warn't Good.
"Well, The House Stood Alone In The Middle Of A Clearin',
Without An Outhouse Of Any Sort Or Kind About It, Or Any
Fence Or Enclosure, But Jist Rose Up As A Toodstool Grows,
All Alone In The Field. Close Behind It Was A Thick Short
Second Growth Of Young Birches, About Fifteen Feet High,
Which Was The Only Shelter It Had, And That Was On The
Wrong Side, For It Was Towards The South.
"Well, When We Alighted, And Got The Baggage Off, Away
Starts The Guide With The Judge's Traps, And Ups A Path
Through The Woods To A Settler's, And Leaves Us. Away
Down By The Edge Of The Lake Was A Little Barn, Filled
Up To The Roof With Grain And Hay, And There Was No
Standin' Room Or Shelter In It For The Hosses. So The
Lawyer Hitches His Critter To A Tree, And Goes And Fetches
Up Some Fodder For Him, And Leaves Him For The Night, To
Volume 1 Chapter 11 (Cottages) Pg 64Weather It As He Could. As Soon As He Goes In, I Takes Old
Clay To The Barn, For It's A Maxim Of Mine Always To Look
Out Arter Number One, Opens The Door, And Pulls Out Sheaf
Arter Sheaf Of Grain As Fast As I Could, And Throws It
Out, Till I Got A Place Big Enough For Him To Crawl In.
"'Now,' Sais I, 'Old Boy,' As I Shot To The Door Arter
Him, 'If That Hole Ain't Big Enough For You, Eat Away
Till It Is, That's All.'
"I Had Hardly Got To The House Afore The Rain, That Had
Threatened All Day, Came Down Like Smoke, And The Wind
Got Up, And It Blew Like A Young Hurricane, And The Lake
Roared Dismal; It Was An Awful Night, And It Was Hard To
Say Which Was Wus, The Storm Or The Shelter.
"'Of Two Evils,' Sais I To The Lawyer, 'Choose The Least.
It Ain't A Bad Thing To Be Well Housed In A Night Like
This, Is It?'
"The Critter Groaned, For Both Cases Was So 'Bad He Didn't
Know Which To Take Up To Defend, So He Grinned Horrid
And Said Nothin'; And It Was Enough To Make Him Grin Too,
That's A Fact. He Looked As If He Had Got Hold On A Bill
O' Pains And Penalties Instead Of A Bill Of Costs That
Time, You May Depend.
"Inside Of The House Was Three Rooms, The Keepin' Room,
Where We Was All Half Circled Round The Fire, And Two
Sleepin' Rooms Off Of It. One Of These Obi Had, Who Was
A-Bed, Groanin', Coughin', And Turnin' Over And Over All
The Time On The Creakin' Bedstead With Pleurisy; T'other
Was For The Judge. The Loft Was For The Old Woman, His
Mother, And The Hearth, Or Any Other Soft Place We Could
Find, Was Allocated For Lawyer And Me.
"What A Scarecrow Lookin' Critter Old Aunty Was, Warn't
She? She Was All In Rags And Tatters, And Though She
Lived 'Longside Of The Lake The Best Part Of Her Emigrant
Life, Had Never Used Water Since She Was Christened. Her
Eyes Were So Sunk In Her Head, They Looked Like Two Burnt
Holes In A Blanket. Her Hair Was Pushed Back, And Tied
So Tight With An Eel-Skin Behind Her Head, It Seemed To
Take The Hide With It. I 'Most Wonder How She Ever Shot
To Her Eyes To Go To Sleep. She Had No Stockins On Her
Legs, And No Heels To Her Shoes, So She Couldn't Lift
Her Feet Up, For Fear Of Droppin' Off Her Slippers; But
She Just Shoved And Slid About As If She Was On Ice. She
Had A Small Pipe In Her Mouth, With About An Inch Of A
Stem, To Keep Her Nose Warm, And Her Skin Was So Yaller
And Wrinkled, And Hard And Oily, She Looked Jist Like A
Dried Smoked Red Herrin', She Did Upon My Soul.
"The Floor Of The Room Was Blacker Nor Ink, Because That
Volume 1 Chapter 11 (Cottages) Pg 65Is Pale Sometimes; And The Utenshils, Oh, If The Fire
Didn't Purify 'Em Now And Ag'in, All The Scrubbin' In
The World Wouldn't, They Was Past That. Whenever The Door
Was Opened, In Run The Pigs, And The Old Woman Hobbled
Round Arter Them, Bangin' Them With A Fryin' Pan, Till
She Seemed Out O' Breath. Every Time She Took Less And
Less Notice Of 'Em, For She Was 'Most Beat Out Herself,
And Was Busy A Gettin' Of The Tea-Kettle To Bile, And It
Appeared To Me She Was A-Goin' To Give In And Let 'Em
Sleep With Me And The Lawyer, Near The Fire.
"So I Jist Puts The Tongs In The Sparklin' Coals And
Heats The Eends On 'Em Red Hot, And The Next Time They
Comes In, I Watches A Chance, Outs With The Tongs, And
Seizes The Old Sow By The Tail, And Holds On Till I Singes
It Beautiful. The Way She Let Go Ain't No Matter, But If
She Didn't Yell It's A Pity, That's All. She Made Right
Straight For The Door, Dashed In Atween Old Aunty's Legs,
And Carries Her Out On Her Back, Ridin' Straddle-Legs
Like A Man, And Tumbles Her Head Over Heels In The Duck
Pond Of Dirty Water Outside, And Then Lays Down Along
Side Of Her, To Put The Fire Out In Its Tail And Cool
Itself.
"Aunty Took Up The Screamin' Then, Where The Pig Left
Off; But Her Voice Warn't So Good, Poor Thing! She Was
Too Old For That, It Sounded Like A Cracked Bell; It Was
Loud Enough, But It Warn't Jist So Clear. She Came In
Drippin' And Cryin' And Scoldin'; She Hated Water, And
What Was Wus, This Water Made Her Dirtier. It Ran Off Of
Her Like A Gutter. The Way She Let Out Agin Pigs,
Travellers And Houses Of Entertainment, Was A Caution To
Sinners. She Vowed She'd Stop Public Next Mornin', And
Bile Her Kettle With The Sign; Folks Might Entertain
Themselves And Be Hanged To 'Em, For All Her,
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