The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗

That They

Might. Then She Mounted A Ladder And Goes Up Into The

Loft-To Change.

 

"'Judge' Sais I,  'I Am Sorry,  Too,  I Singed That Pig's

Tail Arter That Fashion,  For The Smell Of Pork Chops

Makes Me Feel Kinder Hungry,  And If We Had 'Em,  No Soul

Could Eat 'Em Here In Such A Stye As This. But,  Dear Me,'

Sais I,  'You'd Better Move,  Sir; That Old Woman Is Juicy,

And I See It A Comin' Through The Cracks Of The Floor

Above,  Like A Streak Of Molasses.

 

"'Mr. Slick,' Sais He,  'This Is Dreadful. I Never Saw

Any Thing So Bad Before In All This Country; But What

Can't Be Cured Must Be Endured,  I Do Suppose. We Must

Only Be Good-Natured And Do The Best We Can,  That's All.

An Emigrant House Is No Place To Stop At,  Is It? There

Is A Tin Case,' Sais He,  'Containin' A Cold Tongue And

Some Biscuits,  In My Portmanter; Please To Get Them Out.

You Must Act As Butler To-Night,  If You Please; For I

Volume 1 Chapter 11 (Cottages) Pg 66

Can't Eat Any Thing That Old Woman Touches.'

 

"So I Spreads One Of His Napkins On The Table,  And Gets

Out The Eatables,  And Then He Produced A Pocket Pistol,

For He Was A Sensible Man Was The Judge,  And We Made A

Small Check,  For There Warn't Enough For A Feed.

 

"Arter That,  He Takes Out A Night-Cap,  And Fits It On

Tight,  And Then Puts On His Cloak,  And Wraps The Hood Of

It Close Over His Head,  And Foldin' Himself Up In It,  He

Went And Laid Down Without Ondressin'. The Lawyer Took

A Stretch For It On The Bench,  With His Gig Cushions For

A Pillar,  And I Makes Up The Fire,  Sits Down On The Chair,

Puts My Legs Up On The Jamb,  Draws My Hat Over My Eyes,

And Folds My Arms For Sleep.

 

"'But Fust And Foremost,' Sais I,  'Aunty,  Take A Drop Of

The Strong Waters: Arter Goin' The Whole Hog That Way,

You Must Need Some,' And I Poured Her Out A Stiff Corker

Into One Of Her Mugs,  Put Some Sugar And Hot Water To

It,  And She Tossed It Off As If She Railly Did Like It.

 

"'Darn That Pig,' Said She,  'It Is So Poor,  Its Back Is

As Sharp As A Knife. It Hurt Me Properly,  That's A Fact,

And Has Most Broke My Crupper Bone.' And She Put Her Hand

Behind Her,  And Moaned Piteous.

 

"'Pig Skin,' Sais I,  'Aunty,  Is Well Enough When Made

Into A Saddle,  But It Ain't Over Pleasant To Ride On Bare

Back That Way,' Sais I,  'Is It? And Them Bristles Ain't

Quite So Soft As Feathers,  I Do Suppose.'

 

"I Thought I Should A Died A Holdin' In Of A Haw Haw That

Way. Stifling A Larf A'most Stifles Oneself,  That's A

Fact. I Felt Sorry For Her,  Too,  But Sorrow Won't Always

Keep You From Larfin',  Unless You Be Sorry For Yourself.

So As I Didn't Want To Offend Her I Ups Legs Agin To The

Jam,  And Shot My Eyes And Tried To Go To Sleep.

 

"Well,  I Can Snooze Through Most Any Thin',  But I Couldn't

Get Much Sleep That Night. The Pigs Kept Close To The

Door,  A Shovin' Agin It Every Now And Then,  To See All

Was Right For A Dash In,  If The Bears Came; And The Geese

Kept Sentry Too Agin The Foxes; And One Old Feller Would

Squake Out "All's Well" Every Five Minuts,  As He Marched

Up And Down And Back Agin On The Bankin' Of The House.

 

"But The Turkeys Was The Wust. They Was Perched Upon The

Lee Side Of The Roof,  And Sometimes An Eddy Of Wind Would

Take A Feller Right Slap Off His Legs,  And Send Him

Floppin' And Rollin' And Sprawlin' And Screamin' Down To

The Ground,  And Then He'd Make Most As Much Fuss A-Gettin'

Up Into Line Agin. They Are Very Fond Of Straight,  Lines

Is Turkeys. I Never See An Old Gobbler,  With His Gorget,

That I Don't Think Of A Kernel Of A Marchin' Regiment,

And If You'll Listen To Him And Watch Him,  He'll Strut

Jist Like One,  And Say,  'Halt! Dress!' Oh,  He Is A Military

Man Is A Turkey Cock: He Wears Long Spurs,  Carries A

Stiff Neck,  And Charges At Red Cloth,  Like A Trooper.

 

"Well Then A Little Cowardly Good Natured Cur,  That Lodged

In An Empty Flour Barrel,  Near The Wood Pile,  Gave Out

A Long Doleful Howl,  Now And Agin,  To Show These Outside

Passengers,  If He Couldn't Fight For 'Em,  He Could At

All Events Cry For 'Em,  And It Ain't Every Goose Has A

Mourner To Her Funeral,  That's A Fact,  Unless It Be The

Owner.

 

"In The Mornin' I Wakes Up,  And Looks Round For Lawyer,

But He Was Gone. So I Gathers Up The Brans,  And Makes

Up The Fire,  And Walks Out. The Pigs Didn't Try To Come

In Agin,  You May Depend,  When They See'd Me; They Didn't

Like The Curlin' Tongs,  As Much As Some Folks Do,  And

Pigs' Tails Kinder Curl Naterally. But There Was Lawyer

A-Standin' Up By The Grove,  Lookin' As Peeked And As

Forlorn,  As An Onmated Loon.

 

"'What's The Matter Of You,  Squire?' Sais I. 'You Look

Like A Man That Was Ready To Make A Speech; But Your

Witness Hadn't Come,  Or You Hadn't Got No Jury.'

 

"'Somebody Has Stole My Horse,' Said He.

 

"Well,  I Know'd He Was Near-Sighted,  Was Lawyer,  And

Couldn't See A Pint Clear Of His Nose,  Unless It Was A

Pint O' Law. So I Looks All Round And There Was His

Hoss,  A-Standin' On The Bridge,  With His Long Tail Hanging

Down Straight At One Eend,  And His Long Neck And Head A

Banging Down Straight At T'other Eend,  So That You Couldn't

Tell One From T'other Or Which Eend Was Towards You. It

Was A Clear Cold Mornin'. The Storm Was Over And The Wind

Down,  And There Was A Frost On The Ground. The Critter

Was Cold I Suppose,  And Had Broke The Rope And Walked

Off To Stretch His Legs. It Was A Monstrous Mean Night

To Be Out In,  That's Sartain.

 

"'There Is Your Hoss,' Sais I.

 

"'Where?' Sais He.

 

"'Why On The Bridge,' Sais I; "He Has Got His Head Down

And Is A-Lookin' Atween His Fore-Legs To See Where His

Tail Is,  For He Is So Cold,  I Do Suppose He Can't Feel

It.'

 

"Well,  As Soon As We Could,  We Started ; But Afore We

Left,  Sais The Judge To Me,  'Mr. Slick,' Sais He,  'Here

Is A Plaister,' Taking Out A Pound Note,  'A Plaister For

Volume 1 Chapter 11 (Cottages) Pg 67

The Skin The Pig Rubbed Off Of The Old Woman. Give It To

Her,  I Hope It Is Big Enough To Cover It.' And He Fell

Back On The Bed,  And Larfed And Coughed,  And Coughed And

Larfed,  Till The Tears Ran Down His Cheeks.

 

"Yes," Said Mr. Slick,  "Yes,  Squire,  This Is A Pretty

Cottage Of Marm Hodgins; But We Have Cottages Quite As

Pretty As This,  Our Side Of The Water,  Arter All. They

Are Not All Like Obi Rafuses,  The Immigrant. The Natives

Have Different Guess Places,  Where You Might Eat Off The

Floor A'most,  All's So Clean. P'raps We Hante The Hedges,

And Flowers,  And Vines And Fixin's,  And What-Nots."

 

"Which,  Alone," I Said,  "Make A Most Important Difference.

No,  Mr. Slick',  There Is Nothing To Be Compared To This

Little Cottage.

 

"I Perfectly Agree With You,  Squire," Said Mr. Hopewell,

"It Is Quite Unique. There Is Not Only Nothing Equal To

It,  But Nothing Of Its Kind At All Like--_An English

Cottage_.

 

Volume 1 Chapter 12 (Stealing The Hearts Of The People) Pg 68

Shortly After Our Return To The Inn,  A Carriage Drove Up

To The Door,  And The Cards Of Mr. Merton,  And The Reverend

Mr. Homily,  Which Were Presented By The Servant,  Were

Soon Followed By The Gentlemen Themselves.

 

Mr. Merton Said He Had Been Informed By Mrs. Hodgins Of

Our Visit To Her Cottage,  And From Her Account Of Our

Conversation And Persons,  He Was Convinced We Could Be

No Other Than The Party Described In The "Sayings And

Doings Of Mr. Samuel Slick," As About To Visit England

With The Attache. He Expressed Great Pleasure In Having

The Opportunity Of Making Our Acquaintance,  And Entreated

Us To Spend A Few Days With Him At The Priory. This

Invitation We Were Unfortunately Compelled To Decline,

In Consequence Of Urgent Business In London,  Where Our

Immediate Presence Was Indispensable.

 

The Rector Then Pressed Mr. Hopewell To Preach For Him,

On The Following Day At The Parish Church,  Which He Also

Declined. He Said,  That He Had No Sermons With Him,  And

That He Had Very Great Objections To Extemporaneous

Preaching,  Which He Thought Should Never Be Resorted To

Volume 1 Chapter 12 (Stealing The Hearts Of The People) Pg 69

Except In Cases Of Absolute Necessity. He,  However,  At

Last Consented To Do So,  On Condition That Mrs. Hodgins

And Her Husband Attended,  And Upon Being Assured That It

Was Their Invariable Custom To Be Present,  He Said,  He

Thought It Not Impossible,  That He Might Make An Impression

Upon _Him_,  And As It Was His Maxim Never To Omit An

Opportunity Of Doing Good,  He Would With The Blessing Of

God,  Make The Attempt.

 

The Next Day Was Remarkably Fine,  And As The Scene Was

New To Me,  And Most Probably Will Be So To Most Of My

Colonial Readers,  I Shall Endeavour To Describe It With

Some Minuteness.

 

We Walked To The Church By A Path Over The Hills,  And

Heard The Bells Of A Number Of Little Churches,  Summoning

The Surrounding Population To The House Of God. The Roads

And The Paths Were