The Attache; Or, Sam Slick In England(Fiscle Part-3), Thomas Chandler Haliburton [best ereader for pdf TXT] 📗

Of Talabogus

That Raises Your Spirits. There Is Much Of Elegance,

And More Of Comfort In England. It Is A Great And A Good

Country,  Mr. Poker,  But There Is No Natur In It.'

 

"It Is As True As Gospel," Said Mr. Slick,  "I'm Tellin'

You No Lie. It's A Fact. If You Expect To Paint Them

English,  As You Have The Blue-Noses And Us,  You'll Pull

Your Line Up Without A Fish,  Oftener Than You Are A-Thinkin'

On; That's The Reason All Our Folks Have Failed. 'Rush's

Book Is Jist Molasses And Water,  Not Quite So Sweet As

'Lasses,  And Not Quite So Good As Water; But A Spilin'

Of Both. And Why? His Pictur Was Of Polished Life,  Where

There Is No Natur. Washington Irving's Book Is Like A

Dutch Paintin',  It Is Good,  Because It Is Faithful; The

Mop Has The Right Number Of Yarns,  And Each Yarn Has The

Right Number Of Twists,  (Altho' He Mistook The Mop Of

The Grandfather,  For The Mop Of The Man Of The Present

Day) And The Pewter Plates Are On The Kitchen Dresser,

And The Other Little Notions Are All There. He Has Done

The Most That Could Be Done For Them,  But The Painter

Desarves More Praise Than The Subject.

 

"Why Is It Every Man's Sketches Of America Takes? Do You

Suppose It Is The Sketches? No. Do You Reckon It Is The

Interest We Create? No. Is It Our Grand Experiments? No.

They Don't Care A Brass Button For Us,  Or Our Country,

Or Experiments Nother. What Is It Then? It Is Because

They Are Sketches Of Natur. Natur In Every Grade And

Every Variety Of Form; From The Silver Plate,  And Silver

Fork,  To The Finger And Huntin' Knife. Our Artificials

Britishers Laugh At; They Are Bad Copies,  That's A Fact;

I Give Them Up. Let Them Laugh,  And Be Darned; But I

Stick To My Natur,  And I Stump Them To Produce The Like.

 

"Oh,  Squire,  If You Ever Sketch Me,  For Goodness Gracious

Sake,  Don't Sketch Me As An Attache To Our Embassy,  With

The Legation Button,  On The Coat,  And Black Jube Japan

In Livery. Don't Do That; But Paint Me In My Old Waggon

To Nova Scotier,  With Old Clay Before Me,  You By My Side,

A Segar In My Mouth,  And Natur All Round Me. And If That

Is Too Artificial; Oh,  Paint Me In The Back Woods,  With

My Huntin' Coat On,  My Leggins,  My Cap,  My Belt,  And My

Powder-Horn. Paint Me With My Talkin' Iron In My Hand,

Wipin' Her,  Chargin' Her,  Selectin' The Bullet,  Placin'

It In The Greased Wad,  And Rammin' It Down. Then Draw A

Splendid Oak Openin' So As To Give A Good View,  Paint A

Volume 1 Chapter 13 (Natur) Pg 80

Squirrel On The Tip Top Of The Highest Branch,  Of The

Loftiest Tree,  Place Me Off At A Hundred Yards,  Drawin'

A Bead On Him Fine,  Then Show The Smoke,  And Young Squire

Squirrel Comin' Tumblin' Down Head Over Heels Lumpus',

To See Whether The Ground Was As Hard As Dead Squirrels

Said It Was. Paint Me Nateral,  I Besech You; For I Tell

You Now,  As I Told You Before,  And Ever Shall Say,  There

Is Nothin' Worth Havin' Or Knowin',  Or Hearin',  Or Readin',

Or Seein',  Or Tastin',  Or Smellin',  Or Feelin' And Above

All And More Than All,  Nothin' Worth Affectionin' But

_Natur_.

 

 

 

 

 

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 81

As Soon As I Found My Friend Mr. Hopewell Comfortably

Settled In His Lodgings,  I Went To The Office Of The

Belgian Consul And Other Persons To Obtain The Necessary

Passports For Visiting Germany,  Where I Had A Son At

School. Mr. Slick Proceeded At The Same Time To The

Residence Of His Excellency Abednego Layman,  Who Had Been

Sent To This Country By The United States On A Special

Mission,  Relative To The Tariff.

 

On My Return From The City In The Afternoon,  He Told Me

He Had Presented His Credentials To "The Socdolager,"

And Was Most Graciously And Cordially Received; But Still,

I Could Not Fail To Observe That There Was An Evident

Air Of Disappointment About Him.

 

"Pray,  What Is The Meaning Of The Socdolager?" I Asked.

"I Never Heard Of The Term Before."

 

"Possible!" Said He,  "Never Heerd Tell Of 'The Socdolager,'

Why You Don't Say So! The Socdolager Is The President Of

The Lakes--He Is The Whale Of The Intarnal Seas--The

Indgians Worshipped Him Once On A Time,  As The King Of

Fishes. He Lives In Great State In The Deep Waters,  Does

The Old Boy,  And He Don't Often Shew Himself. I Never

See'd Him Myself,  Nor Any One That Ever Had Sot Eyes On

Him; But The Old Indgians Have See'd Him And Know Him

Well. He Won't Take No Bait,  Will The Socdolager; He

Can't Be Caught,  No How You Can Fix,  He Is So 'Tarnal

Knowin',  And He Can't Be Speared Nother,  For The Moment

He Sees Aim Taken,  He Ryles The Water And Is Out Of Sight

In No Tune. _He_ Can Take In Whole Shoals Of Others

Hisself,  Tho' At A Mouthful. He's A Whapper,  That's A

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 82

Fact. I Call Our Minister Here 'The Socdolager,' For Our

_Di_Plomaters Were Never Known To Be Hooked Once Yet,

And Actilly Beat All Natur' For Knowin' The Soundin's,

Smellin' The Bait,  Givin' The Dodge,  Or Rylin' The Water;

So No Soul Can See Thro' It But Themselves. Yes,  He Is

'A Socdolager,' Or A Whale Among _Di_Plomaters.

 

"Well,  I Rigs Up This Morning,  Full Fig,  Calls A Cab,

And Proceeds In State To Our Embassy,  Gives What Cooper

Calls A Lord's Beat Of Six Thund'rin' Raps Of The Knocker,

Presents The Legation Ticket,  And Was Admitted To Where

Ambassador Was. He Is A Very Pretty Man All Up His Shirt,

And He Talks Pretty,  And Smiles Pretty,  And Bows Pretty,

And He Has Got The Whitest Hand You Ever See,  It Looks

As White,  As A New Bread And Milk Poultice. It Does

Indeed.

 

"'Sam Slick,' Sais He,  'As I'm Alive. Well,  How Do You

Do,  Mr. Slick? I Am 'Nation Glad To See You,  I Affection

You As A Member Of Our Legation. I Feel Kinder Proud To

Have The First Literary Man Of Our Great Nation As My

Attache.'

 

"'Your Knowledge Of Human Natur,  (Added To Your'n Of Soft

Sawder,' Sais I,) 'Will Raise Our Great Nation,  I Guess,

In The Scale O' European Estimation.'

 

"He Is As Sensitive As A Skinned Eel,  Is Layman,  And He

Winced At That Poke At His Soft Sawder Like Any Thing,

And Puckered A Little About The Mouth,  But He Didn't Say

Nothin',  He Only Bowed. He Was A Unitarian Preacher Once,

Was Abednego,  But He Swapt Preachin' For Politics,  And

A Good Trade He Made Of It Too; That's A Fact.

 

"'A Great Change,' Sais I,  'Abednego,  Since You Was A

Preachin' To Connecticut And I Was A Vendin' Of Clocks

To Nova Scotia,  Ain't It? Who'd A Thought Then,  You'd A

Been "A Socdolager," And Me Your "Pilot Fish," Eh!'

 

"It Was A Raw Spot,  That,  And I Always Touched Him On It

For Fun.

 

"'Sam,' Said He,  And His Face Fell Like An Empty Puss,

When It Gets A Few Cents Put Into Each Eend On It,  The

Weight Makes It Grow Twice As Long In A Minute. 'Sam,'

Said He,  'Don't Call Me That Are,  Except When We Are

Alone Here,  That's A Good Soul; Not That I Am Proud,  For

I Am A True Republican;' And He Put His Hand On His Heart,

Bowed And Smiled Hansum,  'But These People Will Make A

Nickname Of It,  And We Shall Never Hear The Last Of It;

That's A Fact. We Must Respect Ourselves,  Afore Others

Will Respect Us. You Onderstand,  Don't You?'

 

"'Oh,  Don't I,' Sais I,  'That's All? It's Only Here I

Volume 1 Chapter 14 (The Socdolager) Pg 83

Talks This Way,  Because We Are At Home Now; But I Can't

Help A Thinkin' How Strange Things Do Turn Up Sometimes.

Do You Recollect,  When I Heard You A-Preachin' About Hope

A-Pitchin' Of Her Tent On A Hill? By Gosh,  It Struck Me

Then,  You'd Pitch,  Your Tent High Some Day; You Did It

Beautiful.'

 

"He Know'd I Didn't Like This Change,  That Mr. Hopewell

Had Kinder Inoculated Me With Other Guess Views On These

Matters,  So He Began To Throw Up Bankments And To Picket

In The Ground,  All Round For Defence Like.

 

"'Hope,' Sais He,  'Is The Attribute Of A Christian,  Slick,

For He Hopes Beyond This World; But I Changed On Principle.'

 

"'Well,' Sais I,  'I Changed On Interest; Now If Our Great

Nation Is Backed By Principal And Interest Here,  I Guess

Its Credit Is Kinder Well Built. And Atween You And Me,

Abednego,  That's More Than The Soft-Horned British Will

Ever See From All Our States. Some On 'Em Are Intarmined

To Pay Neither Debt Nor Interest,  And Give Nothin' But

Lip In Retarn.'

 

"'Now,' Sais He,  A Pretendin' To Take No Notice Of This,'

You Know We Have The Voluntary With Us,  Mr. Slick.' He

Said "_Mister_" That Time,  For He Began To Get Formal On

Puppus To Stop Jokes; But,  Dear Me,  Where All Men Are

Equal What's The Use Of One Man Tryin' To Look Big? He

Must Take To Growin' Agin I Guess To Do That. 'You Know

We Have The Voluntary With Us,  Mr. Slick,' Sais He.

 

"'Jist So,' Sais I.

 

"'Well,  What's The Meanin' Of That?'

 

"'Why,' Sais I,  'That You Support Religion Or Let It

Alone,  As You Like; That You Can Take It Up As A Pedlar

Does His Pack,  Carry It Till You Are Tired,  Then Lay It

Down,  Set On It,  And Let It Support You."

 

"'Exactly,' Sais He; 'It Is Voluntary On The Hearer,  And

It's Jist