Mother's Remedies, Thomas Jefferson Ritter [reading well .TXT] 📗

Deference to Age.—One reason why convent training is so highly esteemed in our best circles is because girls are taught such beautiful manners. No convent-bred girl would think of showing the slightest disrespect to an older person. They are taught all the little matters of etiquette that contribute to gentle and refined manners. A lady staying at a large summer hotel noted the charming manners of a young Southern girl, especially in regard to the unfailing deference paid to her mother and aunt. She rose when they addressed her and remained standing during the conversation. When the aunt came to the breakfast table the girl rose, standing until the elder lady was seated; if her mother entered one of the reception rooms she excused herself if conversing and advanced to meet her, finding a seat for her and perhaps asking permission to introduce an acquaintance. And it was all done so easily, so naturally, that it was plainly seen there was no affectation, but the unstudied courtesy due to good-breeding.

On the other hand, girls who undertake to show their respect for their seniors sometimes overdo the matter. No elderly person likes to be "fussed over." She doesn't want someone continually thrusting a cushion behind her shoulders or insisting on providing a foot-stool. The unwelcome service provokes a little resentment. One must have an intuitive sense of what to do and when to do it, and tact enough to perform a trifling service without the appearance of saying "See me! how polite I am!" As young men should rise when an elderly woman enters the room, so a young girl may pay the same pretty deference to her mother or an acquaintance. She should be careful not to take precedence of older women, not to interrupt them when speaking, and to render any small service unobtrusively.

There is no special code of etiquette for girls. Why should they be trained in one code, only to discard it for another when they enter society? Their etiquette is simply more informal. Until they are "out," they do not give formal invitations. Their functions are chiefly luncheons, invitations being given by telephone or personal notes, and the menu more simple. They may give theatre parties, but never without a chaperon. They do not invite young men to call on them; that is their mother's duty. They do not send written invitations to young men; these are in the mother's name. Thus:

   My Dear Mr. Smith:
     My mother wishes me to say that it will give her much
   pleasure if you will spend Friday evening, March tenth, with us,
   quite informally. We hope to see you at eight o' clock.
                                Yours sincerely,
                                                Mary Gray.

Such an invitation presupposes the presence of other guests. If for cards, or music or games, mention may be made of the proposed entertainment.

A girl should not receive calls from young men without the presence of some member of the family, her mother by preference, at some time during the evening. A young man should not feel that the girl he calls upon is not properly looked after by her parents.

The Girl and the Chaperon.—Youth scorns the chaperon, regarding her as superfluous. "I can look out for myself," is the young girl's motto. Yet scandal has dimmed the fair name of many a girl through her disinclination to submit to proper chaperonage. The chaperon is much more of a social necessity in the East than she is in the South and West. If a girl proposes to "look ant for herself," there are some things she must carefully abstain from doing. She must not go to a restaurant with a young man alone; she must not travel about with him alone, even if she is engaged to him; she must not go "on excursions" unattended, nor go for a ride with a man and stop anywhere for refreshments; indeed, she should not accept such an invitation unless another couple or another girl are included in the party. This is not prudery; it is protection; and any young man's acquaintance is not desirable if he objects to such arrangements. He would not permit his sister to do what he asks some other man's sister to do. A young man loses in respect for a girl if she holds herself cheap.

If a girl receives invitations of the character just mentioned, it is far better to say frankly "My father (or mother) does not allow me to accept," than to make excuses or plead previous engagements time after time.

The Girl and the Young Man.—Do not ask a young man to call on the occasion of your first meeting. Young people often meet and make each other's acquaintance when the girl's mother, whose place it is to give the invitation to call, is not present. After several meetings the girl, having ascertained the young man's antecedents, may say, if he seems desirous of the invitation, "'My mother will be glad to know you," or "Mother and I will be pleased to have you call some evening." The young man should acknowledge the compliment by calling at an early date, and should meet the girl's mother, The girl does not suggest when he shall call, though she may mention that she receives calls on a certain evening. She must not give him her card; if he is not sufficiently interested to remember her address he probably does not intend to call.

It is not correct for girls to suggest a walk, ride, hint a wish to dance or row, or tacitly invite a tete-a-tete. Let those who wish such favors ask for them. The girl who shows herself most anxious for young men's attentions generally receives fewest. Despite "the woman's movement," man still insists on his privilege of taking the initiative.

About Gifts.—It is not correct form for a girl to receive presents from young men, aside from flowers, candy and an occasional book or piece of music. In some circles, to offer a girl a piece of jewelry would be considered insulting. Not until he is engaged to her may a man offer expensive presents. This rule, it is lamentably true, is often violated by a certain order of young persons, who rather boast of the gifts of their gallants, and are thus the object of rather unkind criticism.

As a rule, a girl makes a mistake when she sends a gift to a young man. It is generally something that is as superfluous to him as a fifth wheel to a wagon, and it entails an irksome sense of obligation. It is presumed, if he has been very courteous and shown her many attentions, that it has been his pleasure to do so, and her gracious acceptance and pleasure in them is sufficient reward. A girl may give Christmas and birthday gifts to her fiance, but he should not give her any article of wearing apparel except gloves.

The Telephone.—A girl should be chary of calling up her young men acquaintances by telephone. If forced to do so, she should make her communication as brief as possible. It is annoying to a young man to be called from his business to answer social or "nonsense" calls—the latter when some idle, ennuied or "smitten" girl takes a notion she would like to chatter to somebody awhile. It exasperates an employer to have his men called from their duties to answer such calls, and fellow employees are likely to "guy" the man about his "mash." The "note habit" is just about as bad, though not quite as annoying, as the telephone habit, because a man can carry such missives in his pocket unopened.

A wise girl will not give her photograph to any young man until she is engaged to him. What nice girl would care to see her picture neighbored by ballet dancers and footlight favorites in a young man's rooms! She will be equally careful about corresponding with men, writing to but a few intimate and long-known friends, making her letters bright and gay, but carefully avoiding any warmer expressions of regard than those warranted by the friendship. Many a girl has bitterly regretted the affectionate missives sent to some young man who made "werry fierce love" to her for a time, and whose regard afterward cooled. When the man she truly loves comes along, she would give her most precious jewel to get those letters into her hands again. It is a great deal safer not to write them.

A young woman, receiving back her letters at the close of a mistaken engagement, once said:

"I sat down on the floor and read them over, and I tell you I was proud of myself. There wasn't one I wouldn't have been willing to have my father read—and you know what I think of my father!"

A large number of young girls enter society without formal introductions. After leaving school, they assume their social responsibilities with no formality. It is seldom that a girl enters the social world under eighteen, or over twenty-two. The early appearance implies no college career; the later, that, she has spent several years at college or finishing school.

Increasingly, however, it is becoming the custom to introduce the young aspirant for social recognition at some function given in her honor. This may be a ball, a reception, a "coming-out party," a dinner, a tea, at which the debutante is introduced to the older members of the circle in which she will move. Whereas her associates heretofore have been young folk of her own age, she now meets the people of all ages who constitute what we call society. Her circle of acquaintances will be much enlarged, and her breeding will be judged by the manner in which she accepts her new obligations.

A Grave Mistake.—The greatest mistake the debutante can make is to treat with carelessness and lack of respect the matrons, young or old, to whom she is introduced. In the arrogance of her youth and ignorance she may think them "old frumps" and devote herself to her mates in age and inexperience. But the "old frumps" hold the trump cards; she will be dependent on them for invitations to many pleasant little functions, especially those exclusive affairs to which it is an honor to be invited, and if she is not personally agreeable, there will always be some one else to take the place that might have been hers, for a chaperon often influences a young man's invitations. Moreover, by her disrespect for age and position she advertises her lack of good breeding and social training.

Her Dress.—The debutante dresses in white at her "coming-out party," as a rule; white being supposed to typify her virginal attitude in the social realm. The mother receives her guests with her daughter standing at her side. It is not uncommon for two girls of about the same age who are close friends to be introduced at the same function. The celebrant's friends send flowers; sometimes the number of bouquets is so great that a screen is arranged behind her on which they are displayed. Girls pique themselves on the number of such tributes.

If Not a Belle.—But suppose a girl is not pretty enough, nor rich enough, nor attractive enough to become a social success. She will suffer countless mortifications. In society, as in business, "Nothing succeeds like success." If she is popular, she will have a very happy time as debutante. If she is not "a success," her chaperon will despair of her. She will be partnerless when other girls have too many; she will have to retire to the dressing-room, deeply humiliated because unescorted to the supper-room. She will be a wall-flower while others dance. Young men are very selfish; unless a girl has some claim to consideration, personally, or they expect invitations through her parents, they often will selfishly neglect her.

What shall she do in such a case? She will be happier and more contented to give up the losing fight, find some sphere that is congenial, and determine to adorn it. There are many kinds of belles; she may make herself a belle of the home, a belle in out-door sports, a queen of the chafing-dish. Far better these humbler triumphs than neglect and unhappiness in the social world.

A girl looks forward to her debut with many joyous anticipations, but often finds her second social season a happier one than her first. She is more sure of herself, less shy and reserved; little things—the small mistakes made through ignorance—do not worry her so much; she has gained ease and grace of manner, having shed her self-consciousness.