Chuck Norris "Facts", Thoughtful Puppet [the snowy day read aloud .txt] 📗

Although a truly enlightening article about Chuck Norris would probably be written in a language that only a trained Chun Kuk Do artist could understand, no true Chun Kuk Do artist would ever attempt to put on paper the feats accomplished by their Dojo.
I am not a Chun Kuk Do artist (or any other type of artist), merely another pathetic being who is fascinated by the awesome grip Chuck Norris has on our universe.
My own participation in this phenomenon began innocently enough, with no grand design or evil intentions on my part; just a simple desire to scratch the itch of curiosity. I was new to Facebook and was trying to find some old friends. After finding one of said friends I looked over his wall to see if there was anything of interest. Engraved there, seemingly etched in stone were the words, “There are no steroids in baseball, just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.”
From my own mouth came first a chuckle, then a snort, and finally a burst of hysterical laughter that was probably heard for miles around. As my laughing subsided into painful sighs I pulled myself back into the chair (why was I lying on the floor?) and wondered; “What was that all about? What was it about that simple string of words that had aroused such deep feelings of mirth inside of me?” Wanting to know if there were others like me or if I alone was possessed with some strange disease, I called hesitantly down to my brother-in-law, “Want to hear a joke?”
From behind the couch where he was hiding from whatever made those horrible shrieking sounds upstairs he whimpered “Sure. I guess so.” I read to him the words that caused such irrational behavior in myself and was amazed to discover that they had nearly the same effect upon him. As he panted for breath, struggling to stand, he managed to gasp, “That’s a….good one. Did you know….Chuck Norris’ tears….can cure cancer? Too bad….he never….cries!” To compare my first bout of laughter with the onslaught that attacked me now would be like trying to compare stubbing my toe to being round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. There IS no comparison.
For the next several weeks I pored over countless websites devoted to this titan I previously knew next to nothing about. Who is Chuck Norris? Where did he come from? How did he obtain such incredible power? Many sites placed him second only to a God. Some sites claimed that he is far superior to any being, going so far as to say that even Supreme Beings ask his permission to perform menial tasks.
By the time I went to bed I knew more Chuck Norris “facts” than nursery rhymes, sports statistics, and Disney songs combined. I could tell you that his beard covers not a chin, but another fist. I was fascinated to learn that Chuck Norris and not some scrawny scientist, is responsible for deciding what time it is. I was shaken to my core to discover the theory of evolution isn’t real at all, there’s only a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live! I even learned personal details about The Legend’s everyday life, including what he does while waiting for his order to be served while at a restaurant.
Then I took an arrow to the knee and lost my ability to laugh.

Publication Date: 02-03-2012

All Rights Reserved