The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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A former laird of Brotherton was on all occasions a man of few words. He had a favorite tame goose, and for hours together Brotherton and his silent companion sat by the fireside opposite to each other. On one occasion a candidate for the representation of the county in Parliament called upon him to solicit his vote, and urged his request[Pg 149] with much eloquence; to all which the laird replied only by nods and smiles, without saying a word. When, however, the candidate was gone, he looked across to his goose, and emphatically remarked, "I'm thinkin' yon windy chiel'll no tell muckle that you and I said till him."
DCLXXXI.—PLAIN LANGUAGE.Mr. John Clerk, in pleading before the House of Lords one day, happened to say, in his broadest Scotch accent, "In plain English, ma Lords;" upon which Lord Eldon jocosely remarked, "In plain Scotch, you mean, Mr. Clerk." The prompt advocate instantly rejoined, "Na matter! in plain common sense, ma Lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."
DCLXXXII.—A SETTLER.A farmer, in a stage-coach with Charles Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions in the jargon of agriculturists about crops. At length he put a poser—"And pray, sir, how are turnips t'year?"—"Why that, sir," stammered out Lamb, "will depend upon the boiled legs of mutton."
DCLXXXIII.—CASH PAYMENTS.Peterson the comedian lent a brother actor two shillings, and when he made a demand for the sum, the debtor, turning peevishly from him, said, "Hang it! I'll pay you to-day in some shape or other." Peterson good-humoredly replied, "I shall be much obliged to you, Tom, to let it be as like two shillings as you can."
DCLXXXIV.—LAWYER'S HOUSE.Is built upon the fool or madman's head.
DCLXXXV.—A REASONABLE DEMAND.
Colonel B—— was remarkably fat, and coming one night out of the playhouse, called a chair; but while he was preparing to squeeze into it, a friend, who was stepping[Pg 150] into his chariot, called out to him, "B——, I go by your door, and will set you down." B—— gave the chairman a shilling, and was going; when one of them scratched his head, and hoped his honor would give him more than a shilling. "For what, you scoundrel? when I never got into your chair?"—"But consider the fright your honor put us into," replied Pat,—"consider the fright!"
DCLXXXVI.—EBENEZER ADAMS.This celebrated Quaker, on visiting a lady of rank, whom he found six months after the death of her husband, sitting on a sofa covered with black cloth, and in all the dignity of woe, approached her with great solemnity, and gently taking her by the hand, thus accosted her: "So friend, I see that thou hast not yet forgiven God Almighty." This seasonable reproof had such an effect upon the person to whom it was addressed, that she immediately laid aside her trappings of grief, and went about her necessary business and avocations.
DCLXXXVII.—ONE BITE AT A CHERRY.A young fellow once offered to kiss a Quakeress. "Friend," said she, "thee must not do it."—"O, by Jove! but I must," said the youth. "Well, friend, as thee hast sworn, thee may do it, but thee must not make a practice of it."
DCLXXXVIII.—A FIG FOR THE GROCER!When Abernethy was canvassing for the office of surgeon to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, he called upon a rich grocer. The great man, addressing him, said, "I suppose, sir, you want my vote and interest at this momentous epoch of your life."—"No, I don't," said Abernethy. "I want a pennyworth of figs; come, look sharp and wrap them up; I want to be off!"
DCLXXXIX.—STEAM-BOAT RACING.Sir Charles Lyell, when in the United States, received the following advice from a friend: "When[Pg 151] you are racing with an opposition steam-boat, or chasing her, and the other passengers are cheering the captain, who is sitting on the safety-valve to keep it down with his weight, go as far as you can from the engine, and lose no time, especially if you hear the captain exclaim, 'Fire up, boys! put on the resin!' Should a servant call out, 'Those gentlemen who have not paid their passage will please to go to the ladies' cabin,' obey the summons without a moment's delay, for then an explosion may be apprehended. 'Why to the ladies' cabin?' said I. Because it is the safe end of the boat, and they are getting anxious for the personal security of those who have not yet paid their dollars, being, of course, indifferent about the rest. Therefore never pay in advance; for should you fall overboard during a race, and the watch cries out to the captain, 'A passenger overboard,' he will ask, 'Has he paid his passage?' and if he receives an answer in the affirmative, he will call out 'Go ahead!'"
DCXC.—GENTLY, JEMMY.Sir James Mackintosh invited Dr. Parr to take a drive in his gig. The horse became restive. "Gently, Jemmy," says the doctor, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." Once on terra-firma, the doctor's view of the case was changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him; and now, I'll leave you to manage him—I'll walk back."
DCXCI.—WHAT'S IN A SYLLABLE?Longfellow, the poet, was introduced to one Longworth, and some one noticed the similarity of the first syllable of the names. "Yes," said the poet, "but in this case I fear Pope's line will apply,—'Worth makes the man, the want of it the fellow.'"
DCXCII.—QUIET THEFT.A saddle being missing at a funeral, it was observed, no wonder that nothing was heard of it, for it is believed to have been stolen by a mute.[Pg 152]
DCXCIII.—GOOD ADVICE.A young man (placed by his friends as a student at a veterinary college) being in company with some of his colleagues, was asked, "If a broken-winded horse were brought to him for cure, what he would advise?" After considering for a moment, "Advise," said he, "I should advise the owner to sell as soon as possible."
DCXCIV.—CRITICISING A STATUE.Soon after Canning's statue was put up in Palace Yard, in all its verdant freshness, the carbonate of copper not yet blackened by the smoke of London, Mr. Justice Gazelee was walking away from Westminster Hall with a friend, when the judge, looking at the statue (which is colossal), said, "I don't think this is very like Canning; he was not so large a man."—"No, my lord," replied his companion, "nor so green."
DCXCV.—A COMPARISON.During the assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:—
"Did you see the defendant throw the stone?"—"I saw a stone, and I'ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it."
"Was it a large stone?"—"I should say it wur a largish stone."
"What was its size?"—"I should say a sizeable stone."
"Can't you answer definitely how big it was?"—"I should say it wur a stone of some bigness."
"Can't you give the jury some idea of the stone?"—"Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone."
"Can't you compare it to some other object?"—"Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump o' chalk!"
DCXCVI.—FATIGUE DUTY.A certain reverend gentleman in the country was[Pg 153] complaining to another that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. "Oh!" said the other, "I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it."
DCXCVII.—GLUTTONS AND EPICURES.Stephen Kemble (who was very fat) and Mrs. Esten, were crossing the Frith, when a gale sprang up, which alarmed the passengers. "Suppose, Mr. Kemble," said Mrs. Esten; "suppose we become food for fishes, which of us two do you think they will eat first?"—"Those that are gluttons," replied the comedian, "will undoubtedly fall foul of me, but the epicures will attack you!"
DCXCVIII.—A BAD END.It was told of Jekyll, that one of his friends, a brewer, had been drowned in his own vat. "Ah!" he exclaimed, "floating in his own watery bier."
DCXCIX.—ON THE NAME OF KEOPALANI (QUEEN OF THE SANDWICH ISLANDS), WHICH SIGNIFIES "THE DROPPING OF THE CLOUDS FROM HEAVEN."As will by proof be quickly seen;
For "dropping from the clouds from Heaven,"
She was, of course, the raining Queen.
DCC.—ACCOMMODATING PRINCIPLES.
In one of Sir Robert Walpole's letters, he gives a very instructive picture of a skilful minister and a condescending Parliament. "My dear friend," writes Sir Robert, "there is scarcely a member whose purse I do not know to a sixpence, and whose very soul almost I could not purchase at the offer. The reason former ministers have been deceived in this matter is evident—they never considered the temper of the people they had to deal with. I have known a minister so weak as to offer an avaricious old rascal a star and garter, and attempt to bribe a young rogue, who set no value upon money, with a lucrative employment. I pursue methods as opposite as the poles, and[Pg 154] therefore my administration has been attended with a different effect."
"Patriots," says Walpole, "spring up like mushrooms. I could raise fifty of them within four-and-twenty hours. I have raised many of them in one night. It is but refusing to gratify an unreasonable or insolent demand, and up starts a patriot."
DCCI.—BOSWELL'S "LIFE OF JOHNSON."When Boswell's "Life of Johnson," first made its appearance, Boswell was so full of it that he could neither think nor talk of anything else: so much so, that meeting Lord Thurlow hurrying through Parliament Street to get to the House of Lords, where an important debate was expected, and for which he was already too late, Boswell had the temerity to stop and accost him with "Have you read my book?"—"Yes, —— you!" replied Lord Thurlow, "every word of it; I could not help myself."
DCCII.—VERY LIKE A WHALE.Should take the title of the Prince of Wales;
Because 'tis clear to seamen and to lubber,
Babies and whales are both inclined to blubber.
DCCIII.—A NEW SIGN.
A drunken fellow coming by a shop, asked an apprentice boy what the sign was. He answered, that it was a sign he was drunk.
DCCIV.—FALSE QUANTITIES.A young man who, on a public occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can seldom or never get over it.
DCCV.—NOT TRUE.A lady was asked by her friends if she really intended to marry Mr. ——, who was a good kind of a man, but so very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is very much unlike other men, he is more likely to make a good husband."[Pg 155]
DCCVI.—BETTING.The folly of betting is well satirized in one of Walpole's Letters: "Sept. 1st, 1750,—They have put in the papers a good story made at White's. A man dropped down dead at the door, and was carried in; the club immediately made bets whether he was dead or not, and when they were going to bleed him the wagerers for his death interposed, and said it would affect the fairness of the bet."
DCCVII.—FIRE AND WATER.Paddy being asked if he thought of doing something, which, for his own part, he deemed very unlikely, he said he should "as soon think of attempting to light a cigar at a pump."
DCCVIII.—THE RAILROAD ENGINEER.Passes near your parish spire;
Think not, sir, your Sunday lecture
E'er will overwhelmed expire.
Put not then your hopes in weepers,
Solid work my road secures;
Preach whate'er you will—my sleepers
Never will awaken yours.
These lines will be read with a deep interest, as being literally the last ever written by their highly-gifted and deeply-lamented author,—James Smith.
DCCIX.—THE SPECIFIC GRAVITY OF FOLLY.Coleridge once dined in company with a grave-looking person, an admirable listener, who said nothing, but smiled and nodded, and thus impressed the poet with an idea of his intelligence. "That man is a philosopher," thought Coleridge. At length, towards the end of the dinner, some apple-dumplings were placed on the table, and the listener no sooner saw them than, almost jumping from his chair, he exclaimed, "Them's the jockeys for me!"
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