The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Jerrold was at a party when the Park guns announced the birth of a prince. "How they do powder these babies!" Jerrold exclaimed.
DCCCXVI.—SETTING HIM UP TO KNOCK HIM DOWN.Tom Moore, observing himself to be eyed by two handsome young ladies, inquired of a friend, who was near enough to hear their remarks, what it was they said of him. "Why, the taller one observed that she was delighted to have had the pleasure of seeing so famous a personage."—"Indeed!" said the gratified poet, "anything more?"—"Yes: she said she was the more pleased because she had taken in your celebrated 'Almanac' for the last five or six years!"[Pg 179]
DCCCXVII.—BRIEF CORRESPONDENCE.Mrs. Foote, mother of Aristophanes, experienced the caprice of fortune nearly as much as her son. The following laconic letters passed between them: "Dear Sam, I am in prison."—Answer: "Dear mother, so am I."
DCCCXVIII.—MAN-TRAPS.It being unlawful to set man-traps and spring-guns, a gentleman once hit upon a happy device. He was a scholar, and being often asked the meaning of mysterious words compounded from the Greek, that appear in every day's newspaper, and finding they always excited wonder by their length and sound, he had painted on a board, and put up on his premises, in very large letters, the following: "Tondapamubomenos set up in these grounds." It was perfectly a "patent safety."
DCCCXIX.—A COLORABLE EXCUSE.A lady who painted her face, asked Parsons how he thought she looked. "I can't tell, madam," he replied, "except you uncover your face."
DCCCXX.—CONSISTENCY."Fixed Duty," for 'tis plain
With them the Anti-Corn-Law Bill
Must go against the grain.
DCCCXXI.—A WONDERFUL CURE.
Doctor Hill, a notorious wit, physician, and man of letters, having quarrelled with the members of the Royal Society, who had refused to admit him as an associate, resolved to avenge himself. At the time that Bishop Berkeley had issued his work on the marvellous virtues of tar-water, Hill addressed to their secretary a letter purporting to be from a country-surgeon, and reciting the particulars of a cure which he had effected. "A sailor," he wrote, "broke his leg, and applied to me for help. I bound together the broken portions, and washed them with[Pg 180] the celebrated tar-water. Almost immediately the sailor felt the beneficial effects of this remedy, and it was not long before his leg was completely healed!" The letter was read, and discussed at the meetings of the Royal Society, and caused considerable difference of opinion. Papers were written for and against the tar-water and the restored leg, when a second letter arrived from the (pretended) country practitioner:—"In my last I omitted to mention that the broken limb of the sailor was a wooden leg!"
DCCCXXII.—AN ACCOMMODATING PHYSICIAN."Is there anything the matter with you?" said a physician to a person who had sent for him. "O dear, yes, I am ill all over, but I don't know what it is, and I have no particular pain nowhere," was the reply. "Very well," said the doctor, "I'll give you something to take away all that."
DCCCXXIII.—CHOICE SPIRITS.An eminent spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whiskey on sale which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin.
DCCCXXIV.—AN EXPLANATION.Young, the author of "Night Thoughts," paid a visit to Potter, son of Archbishop Potter, who lived in a deep and dirty part of Kent, through which Young had scrambled with some difficulty and danger. "Whose field was that I crossed?" asked Young, on reaching his friend. "Mine," said Potter. "True," replied the poet; "Potter's field to bury strangers in."
DCCCXXV.—IMPROMPTU BY R.B. SHERIDAN.Lord Erskine having once asserted, in the presence of Lady Erskine and Mr. Sheridan, that a wife was only a tin canister tied to one's tail, Sheridan at once presented her these lines,—
Calls a wife "a tin canister tied to one's tail;"
[Pg 181] And fair Lady Anne, while the subject he carries on,
Seems hurt at his lordship's degrading comparison.
But wherefore "degrading?" Considered aright,
A canister's useful, and polished, and bright;
And should dirt its original purity hide,
'Tis the fault of the puppy to whom it is tied.
DCCCXXVI.—LAW AND PHYSIC.
A learned judge being asked the difference between law and equity courts, replied, "At common law you are done for at once: at equity, you are not so easily disposed of. One is prussic acid, and the other laudanum."
DCCCXXVII.—IMPROMPTU.Counsellor (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being on one occasion asked which of a company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The prompter, sir, for I have heard the most and seen the least of him."
DCCCXXVIII.—NOTIONS OF HAPPINESS."Were I but a king," said a country boy, "I would eat my fill of fat bacon, and swing upon a gate all day long."
DCCCXXIX.—A FORGETFUL MAN.Of late he's grown brimful of pride and pelf;
No wonder that he don't remember me;
Why so? you see he has forgot himself.
DCCCXXX.—REPUTATION.
Reputation is to notoriety what real turtle is to mock.
DCCCXXXI.—AN UNFORTUNATE LOVER.It was asked by a scholar why Master Thomas Hawkins did not marry Miss Blagrove; he was answered, "He couldn't master her, so he missed her."[Pg 182]
DCCCXXXII.—EPIGRAM.Like pipe-staves are, but hooped into a tub;
And in a close confederacy link
For nothing else, but only to hold drink.
DCCCXXXIII.—A BAD LOT.
The household furniture of an English barrister, then recently deceased, was being sold, in a country town, when one neighbor remarked to another that the stock of goods and chattels appeared to be extremely scanty, considering the rank of the lawyer, their late owner. "It is so," was the reply; "but the fact is, he had very few causes, and therefore could not have many effects."
DCCCXXXIV.—FILIAL AFFECTION.Two ladies who inhabit Wapping were having some words together on the pavement, when the daughter of one of them popped her head out of the door, and exclaimed "Hurry, mother, and call her a thief before she calls you one."
DCCCXXXV.—LEG WIT.One night Erskine was hastening out of the House of Commons, when he was stopped by a member going in, who accosted him, "Who's up, Erskine?"—"Windham," was the reply. "What's he on?"—"His legs," answered the wit.
DCCCXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ON DR. GLYNN'S BEAUTY.Although he was hearty last night;
'Tis thought having seen Dr. Glynn in a dream,
The poor fellow died of affright."
DCCCXXXVII.—A SINECURE.
One Patrick Maguire had been appointed to a situation the reverse of a place of all work; and his friends, who[Pg 183] called to congratulate him, were very much astonished to see his face lengthened on the receipt of the news. "A sinecure is it?" exclaimed Pat. "Sure I know what a sinecure is: it's a place where there's nothing to do, and they pay you by the piece."
DCCCXXXVIII.—A GOOD JAIL DELIVERY.Brother David Dewar was a plain, honest, straightforward man, who never hesitated to express his convictions, however unpalatable they might be to others. Being elected a member of the Prison Board, he was called upon to give his vote in the choice of a chaplain from the licentiates of the Established Kirk. The party who had gained the confidence of the Board had proved rather an indifferent preacher in a charge to which he had previously been appointed; and on David being asked to signify his assent to the choice of the Board, he said, "Weel, I've no objections to the man, for I understand he preached a kirk toom (empty) already, and if he be as successful in the jail, he'll maybe preach it vawcant as weel."
DCCCXXXIX.—WHERE IS THE AUDIENCE?The manager of a country theatre looked into the house between the acts, and turned with a face of dismay to the prompter, with the question of, "Why, good gracious, where's the audience?"—"Sir," replied the prompter, without moving a muscle, "he is just now gone to get some beer." The manager wiped the perspiration from his brow and said, "Will he return do you think?"—"Most certainly; he expresses himself highly satisfied with the play, and applauded as one man."—"Then let business proceed," exclaimed the manager, proudly; and it did proceed.
DCCCXL.—KNOWING BEST."I wish, reverend father," said Curran to Father O'Leary, "that you were St. Peter, and had the keys of heaven, because then you could let me in."—"By my honor and conscience," replied O'Leary, "it would be better for you that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."[Pg 184]
DCCCXLI.—AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES.The late Bishop Blomfield, when a Suffolk clergyman, asked a school-boy what was meant in the Catechism by succoring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt reply.
DCCCXLII.—PARLIAMENTARY REPRIMAND.In the reign of George II., Mr. Crowle, a counsel of some eminence, was summoned to the bar of the House of Commons to receive a reprimand from the Speaker, on his knees. As he rose from the ground, with the utmost nonchalance he took out his handkerchief, and, wiping his knees, cooly observed, "that it was the dirtiest house he had ever been in in his life."
DCCCXLIII.—A STOP WATCH.A gentleman missing his watch in a crowd at the theatre, observed, with great coolness, that he should certainly recover it, having bought it of a friend who had introduced it to the particular acquaintance of every Pawnbroker within the Bills of Mortality.
DCCCXLIV.—SIR ANTHONY MALONE.Lord Mansfield used to remark that a lawyer could do nothing without his fee. This is proved by the following fact: Sir Anthony Malone, some years ago Attorney-General of Ireland, was a man of abilities in his profession, and so well skilled in the practice of conveyancing that no person ever entertained the least doubt of the validity of a title that had undergone his inspection; on which account he was generally applied to by men of property in transactions of this nature. It is, however, no less singular than true, that such was the carelessness and inattention of this great lawyer in matters of this sort that related to himself, that he made two bad bargains, for want only of the same attentive examination of the writings for which he was celebrated, in one of which he lost property to the amount of three thousand pounds a year. Disturbed by these losses, whenever for the future he had a mind to[Pg 185] purchase an estate for himself, he gave the original writings to his principal clerk, who made a correct transcript of them; this transcript was then handed to Sir Anthony, and five guineas (his fee) along with it, which was regularly charged to him by the clerk. Sir Anthony then went over the deeds with his accustomed accuracy and discernment, and never after that was possessed of a bad title.
DCCCXLV.—THE ORATORS.Is there a day that asses do not speak?
DCCCXLVI.—MODERN ACTING.
Jerrold was told that a certain well-puffed tragedian, who has a husky voice, was going to act Cardinal Wolsey,
Jerrold.—"Cardinal Wolsey!—Linsey Wolsey!"
DCCCXLVII.—FEW FRIENDS.A nobleman, extremely rich but a miser, stopping to change horses at Athlone, the carriage was surrounded by paupers, imploring alms, to whom he turned a deaf ear, and drew up the glass. A ragged old woman, going round to the other side of the carriage, bawled out, in the old peer's hearing, "Please you, my lord, just chuck one tin-penny out of your coach, and I'll answer it will trait all your friends in Athlone."
DCCCXLVIII.—DIFFIDENCE.An Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard the evidence?"
DCCCXLIX.—"ESSAY ON MAN."At thirty, tame, if ever;
At forty, wise; at fifty, rich;
At sixty, good, or never!
DCCCL.—IN-DOOR RELIEF.
A melting sermon being preached in a country church,[Pg 186] all fell a-weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest, said, "O no, I belong to another parish."
DCCCLI.—HIGHLAND POLITENESS.Sir Walter Scott had marked in his diary a territorial greeting of two proprietors which
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