The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
Book online «The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗». Author Mark Lemon
A highwayman and a chimney-sweeper were condemned to be hanged the same time at Tyburn,—the first for an exploit on the highway, the latter for a more ignoble robbery. "Keep farther off, can't you?" said the highwayman, with some disdain. "Sir," replied the sweep, "I won't keep off; I have as much right to be here as you!"
DCCXI.—A CANDID COUNSEL.An Irish counsel being asked by the judge for whom was he concerned, replied, "I am concerned for the plaintiff, but I'm retained by the defendant."
DCCXII.—TRADE AGAINST LAND.When the late Mr. Whitbread's father, the brewer, first opposed the Duke of Bedford's interest at Bedford, the Duke informed him that he would spend £50,000 rather than he should come in. Whitbread, with true English spirit, replied, that was nothing; the sale of his grains would pay for that.
DCCXIII.—TRUE EVIDENCE.A Jew called on to justify bail in the Court of Common Pleas, the opposing counsel thus examined him: "What is your name?"—"Jacob."—"What are you?"—"General dealer."—"Do you keep a shop?"—"No."—"How then do you dispose of your goods?"—"To the best advantage, my good fellow."
DCCXIV.—DR. YOUNG.Dr. Young was walking in his garden at Welwyn, in company with two ladies (one of whom he afterwards married), when the servant came to acquaint him a gentleman wished to speak with him. As he refused to go, one lady took him by the right arm, the other by the left, and led him to the garden-gate; when, finding resistance in[Pg 157] vain, he bowed, laid his hand upon his heart, and spoke the following lines:—
And thus disputed orders sent from heaven.
Like him I go, but yet to go am loth;
Like him I go, for angels drove us both.
Hard was his fate, but mine is more unkind;
His Eve went with him, but mine stays behind."
DCCXV.—A YANKEE YARN.
Mr. Dickens tells an American story of a young lady, who, being intensely loved by five young men, was advised to "jump overboard, and marry the man who jumped in after her." Accordingly, next morning, the five lovers being on deck, and looking very devotedly at the young lady, she plunged into the sea head-foremost. Four of the lovers immediately jumped in after her. When the young lady and four lovers were out again, she says to the captain, "What am I to do with them now, they are so wet?"—"Take the dry one." And the young lady did, and married him.
DCCXVI.—SAVE US FROM OUR FRIENDS.The old Scottish hearers were very particular on the subject of their ministers' preaching old sermons; and to repeat a discourse which they could recollect was always made a subject of animadversion by those who heard it. A beadle who was a good deal of a wit in his way, gave a sly hit in his pretended defence of his minister on the question. As they were proceeding from church, the minister observed the beadle had been laughing as if he had triumphed over some of his parishioners with whom he had been in conversation. On asking the cause of this, he received for answer, "Indeed, sir, they were saying ye had preached an auld sermon to-day, but I tackled them, for I tauld them it was no'an auld sermon, for the minister had preached it no' sax months syne."
DCCXVII.—LOVE OF THE SEA.Love the sea? I dote upon it,—from the beach.[Pg 158]—D.J.
DCCXVIII.—UNWELCOME AGREEMENT.A pompous parish clergyman felt his dignity mightily offended by a chubby-faced lad who was passing him without moving his hat. "Do you know who I am, sir, that you pass me in that unmannerly way? You are better fed than taught, I think, sir."—"Whew, may be it is so, measter, for you teaches me, but I feeds myself."
DCCXIX.—COOKE'S EXPLANATION OF THE FAMILY PLATE.An American braggart told Cooke that his family was amongst the oldest in Maryland. Cooke inquired if he had carefully examined the family plate,—the fetters and handcuffs!
DCCXX.—A SPECIMEN OF UNIVERSITY ETIQUETTE.A poor youth, brought up in one of the colleges, could not afford the price of a pair of shoes, but when his old ones were worn out at the toes, had them capped with leather: whereupon his companions began to jeer him for so doing: "Why," said he, "don't you see they must be capped? Are they not fellows?"
DCCXXI.—A MEDICAL OPINION.An unfortunate man, who had never drank water enough to warrant the disease, was reduced to such a state by dropsy, that a consultation of physicians was held upon his case. They agreed that tapping was necessary, and the poor patient was invited to submit to the operation, which he seemed inclined to do in spite of the entreaties of his son. "O, father, father, do not let them tap you," screamed the boy, in an agony of tears; "do anything, but do not let them tap you!"—"Why, my dear?" inquired the afflicted parent, "it will do me good, and I shall live long in health to make you happy."—"No, father, no, you will not: there never was anything tapped in our house that lasted longer than a week."
DCCXXII.—THE CAUSE.What secret care consumes her youth,
[Pg 159] And circumscribes her smiles?
A speck on a front tooth.
DCCXXIII.—WHAT'S GOING ON?
A very prosy gentleman, who was in the habit of waylaying Jerrold, met his victim, and, planting himself in the way, said, "Well, Jerrold, what is going on to-day?"
Jerrold said, darting past the inquirer, "I am!"
DCCXXIV.—SNORING.A certain deacon being accustomed to snore while asleep in church, he received the following polite note: "Deacon —— is requested not to commence snoring to-morrow until the sermon is begun, as some persons in the neighborhood of his pew would like to hear the text."
DCCXXV.—TWO MAKE A PAIR.Soon after the attack of Margaret Nicholson on the life of George III., the following bill was stuck up in the window of an obscure alehouse: "Here is to be seen the fork belonging to the knife with which Margaret Nicholson attempted to stab the King."
DCCXXVI.—ALMANAC-MAKERS.Two women scolding each other, one said, "Thou liest like a thief and a witch." The other replies, "But thou liest like an almanac-maker; for thou liest every day and all the year long."
DCCXXVII.—A BLACK JOKE.A gentleman at Limehouse observed the laborers at work in a tier of colliers, and wanting to learn the price of coals, hailed one of the men with, "Well, Paddy, how are coals?"—"Black as ever," was the reply.
DCCXXVIII.—EPIGRAM.Must lock his door and break his looking-glass."
[Pg 160] DCCXXIX.—EXAGGERATION.
A man was boasting before a companion of his very strong sight. "I can discern from here a mouse on the top of that very high tower."—"I don't see it," answered, his comrade; "but I hear it running."
DCCXXX.—WINNING A LOSS.A swell clerk from London, who was spending an evening in a country inn full of company, and feeling secure in the possession of most money, made the following offer. "I will drop money into a hat with any man in the room. The man who holds out the longest to have the whole and treat the company."—"I'll do it," said a farmer. The swell dropped in half a sovereign. The countryman followed with a sixpence. "Go on," said the swell. "I won't," said the farmer; "take the whole, and treat the company."
DCCXXXI.—ADVICE GRATIS.On the trial of a cause in the Court of Common Pleas, Mr. Serjeant Vaughan having asked a witness a question rather of law than of fact, Lord Chief Justice Eldon observed, "Brother Vaughan, this is not quite fair; you wish the witness to give you, for nothing, what you would not give him under two guineas."
DCCXXXII.—SHORT COMMONS.At a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."
CCXXXIII.—LICENSED TO KILL.When an inferior actor at the Haymarket once took off David Garrick, Foote limped from the boxes to the green-room, and severely rated him for his impudence. "Why, sir," said the fellow, "you take him off every day, and why may not I?"—"Because," replied the satirist, "you are not qualified to kill game, and I am."[Pg 161]
CXXXIV.—WILKES AND LIBERTY.When Wilkes was in France, and at Court, Madame Pompador addressed him thus: "You Englishmen are fine fellows; pray how far may a man go in his abuse of the Royal family among you?"—"I do not at present know," replied he, dryly, "but I am trying."
DCCXXXV.—A PAT REPLY.Lord J. Russell endeavored to persuade Lord Langdale to resign the permanent Mastership of the Rolls for the uncertain position of Lord Chancellor, and paid the learned lord very high compliments on his talent and acquirements. "It is useless talking, my lord," said Langdale. "So long as I enjoy the Rolls, I care nothing for your butter."
DCCXXXVI.—LORD NORTH ASLEEP.His Lordship was accustomed to sleep during the Parliamentary harangues of his adversaries, leaving Sir Grey Cooper to note down anything remarkable. During a debate on ship-building, some tedious speaker entered on an historical detail, in which, commencing with Noah's Ark, he traced the progress of the art regularly down-wards. When he came to build the Spanish Armada, Sir Grey inadvertently awoke the slumbering premier, who inquired at what era the honorable gentleman had arrived. Being answered, "We are now in the reign of Queen Elizabeth," "Dear Sir Grey," said he, "why not let me sleep a century or two more?"
DCCXXXVII.—RATHER SAUCY."You had better ask for manners than money," said a finely-dressed gentleman to a beggar who asked for alms.
"I asked for what I thought you had the most of," was the cutting reply.
DCCXXXVIII.—LONG STORY.A loquacious lady, ill of a complaint of forty years' standing, applied to Mr. Abernethy for advice, and had[Pg 162] begun to describe its progress from the first, when Mr. A. interrupted her, saying he wanted to go into the next street, to see a patient; he begged the lady to inform him how long it would take her to tell her story. The answer was, twenty minutes. He asked her to proceed, and hoped she would endeavor to finish by the time he returned.
DCCXXXIX.—EUCLID REFUTED.(A part is not equal to the whole.—Axiom.)
Or freely forfeit half a pipe of sherry;
'Tis plain one sixteenth part of Brougham's sense,
Equals the whole possessed by L—d—d—y.
DCCXL.—BRED ON THE BOARDS.
When Morris had the Haymarket Theatre, Jerrold, on a certain occasion, had reason to find fault with the strength, or rather, the want of strength, of the company. Morris expostulated, and said, "Why there's V——, he was bred on these boards!"—"He looks as though he'd been cut out of them," replied Jerrold.
DCCXLI.—ON THE DULNESS OF A DEBATE IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.'Neath such a constant fire of lead.
DCCXLII.—PAINTING.
A nobleman who was a great amateur painter showed one of his performances to Turner. That great artist said to him, "My lord, you want nothing but poverty to become a very excellent painter."
DCCXLIII.—OLD AGE.A very old man, who was commonly very dull and heavy, had now and then intervals of gayety: some person observed, "he resembles an old castle which is sometimes visited by spirits."[Pg 163]
DCCXLIV.—AN EFFORT OF MEMORY."Would you think it?" said A. to B. "Mr. Roscius has taken a week to study a Prologue which I wrote in a day."—"His memory is evidently not so good as yours," replied B.
DCCXLV.—A READY RECKONER.A man entered a shop, saying he should like a two-penny loaf, which was accordingly placed before him. As if suddenly changing his mind, he declared he should prefer two pen'orth of whiskey instead. This he drank off, and pushing the loaf towards the shopkeeper, was departing, when demand of payment was made for the whiskey.
"Sure, and haven't I given ye the loaf for the whiskey?"
"Well, but you did not pay for the loaf, you know."
"Thrue, and why should I? don't you see, I didn't take the loaf, man alive?" And away he quietly walked, leaving the worthy dealer lost in a brown study.
DCCXLVI.—A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.Mr. Hawkins, Q.C., engaged in a cause before the late Lord Campbell, had frequently to mention the damage done to a carriage called a Brougham, and this word
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