The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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The sloth, in its wild state, spends its life in trees, and never leaves them but from force or accident. The eagle to the sky, the mole to the ground, the sloth to the tree; but what is most extraordinary, he lives not upon the branches, but under them. He moves suspended, rests suspended, sleeps suspended, and passes his life in suspense,—like a young clergyman distantly related to a bishop.
CXXVI.—PORSON'S VISIT TO THE CONTINENT.Soon after Professor Porson returned from a visit to the Continent, at a party where he happened to be present,[Pg 28] a gentleman solicited a sketch of his journey. Porson immediately gave the following extemporaneous one:
With that most learned professor, Brunck;
I went to Worts and got more drunken
With that more learned professor, Ruhnken."
CXXVII.—ARTIFICIAL HEAT.
The late Lord Kelly had a very red face. "Pray, my lord," said Foote to him, "come and look over my garden-wall,—my cucumbers are very backward."
CXXVIII.—OUTWARD APPEARANCE.Man is a sort of tree which we are too apt to judge of by the bark.
CXXIX.—THE TWO SMITHS.A gentleman, with the same Christian and surname, took lodgings in the same house with James Smith. The consequence was, eternal confusion of calls and letters. Indeed, the postman had no alternative but to share the letters equally between the two. "This is intolerable, sir," said our friend, "and you must quit."—"Why am I to quit more than you?"—"Because you are James the Second—and must abdicate."
CXXX.—SAGE ADVICE.The advice given by an Irishman to his English friend, on introducing him to a regular Tipperary row, was, "Wherever you see a head, hit it."
CXXXI.—THE PURSER.Lady Hardwicke, the lady of the Chancellor, loved money as well as he did, and what he got she saved. The purse in which the Great Seal is carried is of very expensive embroidery, and was provided, during his time, every year. Lady Hardwicke took care that it should not be provided for the seal-bearer's profit, for she annually[Pg 29] retained them herself, having previously ordered that the velvet should be of the length of one of the state rooms at Wimpole. So many of them were saved, that at length she had enough to hang the state-room, and make curtains for the bed. Lord Hardwicke used to say, "There was not such a purser in the navy."
CXXXII.—A FOREIGN ACCENT.When Maurice Margarot was tried at Edinburgh for sedition, the Lord Justice asked him, "Hae you ony counsel, mon?"—"No."—"Do you want to hae ony appointed?"—"I only want an interpreter to make me understand what your lordships say."
CXXXIII—EASY AS LYING.Erskine, examining a bumptious fellow, asked him, if he were not a rider? "I'm a traveller, sir," replied the witness, with an air of offended importance. "Indeed, sir. And, pray, are you addicted to the failing usually attributed to travellers?"
CXXXIV.—NEW WAY TO PAY OLD DEBTS.A prisoner in The Fleet sent to his creditor to let him know that he had a proposal to make, which he believed would be for their mutual benefit. Accordingly, the creditor calling on him to hear it: "I have been thinking," said he, "that it is a very idle thing for me to lie here, and put you to the expense of seven groats a week. My being so chargeable to you has given me great uneasiness, and who knows what it may cost you in the end! Therefore, what I propose is this: You shall let me out of prison, and, instead of seven groats, you shall allow me only eighteenpence a week, and the other tenpence shall go towards the discharging of the debt."
CXXXV.—EPIGRAM.(On the column to the Duke of York's memory.)
Their hearts preserved in sepulchre inurned;
[Pg 30] This column, then, commemorates the part
Which custom makes us single out—the heart;
You ask, "How by a column this is done?"
I answer, "'Tis a hollow thing of stone."
CXXXVI.—FLATTERY TURNED TO ADVANTAGE.
A dependant was praising his patron for many virtues which he did not possess. "I will do all in my power to prevent you lying," answered he.
CXXXVII.—THE INTRUDER REBUKED.Jerrold and some friends were dining in a private room at a tavern. After dinner the landlord informed the company that the house was partly under repair, and requested that a stranger might be allowed to take a chop at a separate table in the apartment. The company assented, and the stranger, a person of commonplace appearance, was introduced, ate his chop in silence, and then fell asleep, snoring so loudly and inharmoniously that conversation was disturbed. Some gentlemen of the party made a noise, and the stranger, starting from his sleep, shouted to Jerrold, "I know you, Mr. Jerrold; but you shall not make a butt of me!"—"Then don't bring your hog's head in here," was the prompt reply.
CXXXVIII.—CRITICAL POLITENESS.A young author reading a tragedy, perceived his auditor very often pull off his hat at the end of a line, and asked him the reason. "I cannot pass a very old acquaintance," replied the critic, "without that civility."
CXXXIX.—A GOOD PLACE.A nobleman taking leave when going as ambassador, the king said to him, "The principal instruction you require is, to observe a line of conduct exactly the reverse to that of your predecessor."—"Sire," replied he, "I will endeavor so to act that you shall not have occasion to give my successor the like advice."[Pg 31]
CXL.—A CABAL.The attempt to run over the King of the French with a cab, looked like a conspiracy to overturn monarchy by a common-wheel.
CXLI.—THE FIRE OF LONDON.One speaking of the fire of London, said, "Cannon Street roared, Bread Street was burnt to a crust, Crooked Lane was burnt straight, Addle Hill staggered, Creed Lane would not believe it till it came, Distaff Lane had sprung a fine thread, Ironmonger Lane was redhot, Seacoal Lane was burnt to a cinder, Soper Lane was in the suds, the Poultry was too much singed, Thames Street was dried up, Wood Street was burnt to ashes, Shoe Lane was burnt to boot, Snow Hill was melted down, Pudding Lane and Pye Corner were over baked."
CXLII.—A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT.It cannot be denied;
Granted; and then it will be found,
They're little else beside.
CXLIII.—AN HONEST HORSE.
A dealer once, selling a nag to a gentleman, frequently observed, with emphatic earnestness, that "he was an honest horse." After the purchase the gentleman asked him what he meant by an honest horse. "Why, sir," replied the seller, "whenever I rode him he always threatened to throw me, and he certainly never deceived me."
CXLIV.—THE RETORT CUTTING.Bishops Sherlock and Hoadly were both freshmen of the same year, at Catherine Hall, Cambridge. The classical subject in which they were first lectured was Tully's Offices, and one morning Hoadly received a compliment from the tutor for the excellence of his construing. Sherlock, a little vexed at the preference shown to his rival,[Pg 32] said, when they left the lecture-room, "Ben, you made good use of L'Estrange's translation to-day."—"Why, no, Tom," retorted Hoadly, "I did not, for I had not got one; and I forgot to borrow yours, which, I am told, is the only one in the college."
CXLV.—ELEGANT COMPLIMENT.Mr. Henry Erskine, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess of Gordon, said to her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honor and pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?"—"O!" answered her grace, "Edinburgh is a vile dull place—I hate it."—"Madam," replied the gallant barrister, "the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark morning,—I won't rise to-day."
CXLVI.—A LOVE SONG, BY DEAN SWIFT.Mimis tres Ine ver require,
Alo veri find it a gestis,
His miseri ne ver at restis.
CXLVII.—BY THE SAME.
Has an acuti,
No lasso finis,
Molli divinis.
O mi de armis tres,
Imi nadis tres,
Cantu disco ver
Meas alo ver?
CXLVIII.—A HAPPY SUGGESTION.
When Jenny Lind, the Swedish Nightingale, gave a concert to the Consumption Hospital, the proceeds of which concert amounted to 1,776l. 15s., and were to be devoted to the completion of the building, Jerrold suggested that the new part of the hospital should be called "The Nightingale's Wing."[Pg 33]
CXLIX.—PLAYING ON A WORD.Lord Orford was present in a large company at dinner, when Bruce, the celebrated traveller, was talking in his usual style of exaggeration. Some one asked him what musical instruments were used in Abyssinia. Bruce hesitated, not being prepared for the question, and at last said, "I think I saw a lyre there." George Selwyn, who was of the party, whispered his next man, "Yes, and there is one less since he left the country."
CL.—AN EYE TO PROFIT.A person speaking of an acquaintance, who, though extremely avaricious, was always abusing the avarice of others, added, "Is it not strange that this man will not take the beam out of his own eye before he attempts the mote in other people's?"—"Why, so I daresay he would," cried Sheridan, "if he was sure of selling the timber."
CLI.—"OUT, BRIEF CANDLE."A very small officer struck an old grenadier of his company for some supposed fault in performing his evolutions. The grenadier gravely took off his cap, and, holding it over the officer by the tip, said, "Sir, if you were not my officer, I would extinguish you."
CLII.—A.I.A learned barrister, quoting Latin verses to a brother "wig," who did not appear to understand them, added, "Don't you know the lines? They are in Martial."—"Marshall. Oh, yes; Marshall, who wrote on underwriting."—"Not so bad," replied the other. "After all, there is not so much difference between an under writer and a minor poet."
CLIII.—QUALIFYING FOR BAIL.A gentleman once appeared in the Court of King's Bench to give bail in the sum of 3,000l. Serjeant Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly, "And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are worth[Pg 34] 3,000l.?" The gentleman stated the particulars of his property up to 2,940. "That's all very good," said the serjeant, "but you want 60l. more to be worth 3,000."—"For that sum," replied the gentleman, in no ways disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr. Serjeant Davy, and I hope he will have the honesty soon to settle it." The serjeant looked abashed, and Lord Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well, brother Davy, I think we may accept the bail."
CLIV.—BARRY'S POWERS OF PLEASING.Spranger Barry, to his silver-toned voice, added all the powers of persuasion. A carpenter, to whom he owed some money for work at the Dublin Theatre, called at Barry's house, and was very clamorous in demanding payment. Mr. Barry overhearing him, said from above, "Don't be in a passion; but do me the favor to walk upstairs, and we'll speak on the business."—"Not I," answered the man; "you owe me one hundred pounds already, and if you get me upstairs, you won't let me leave you till you owe me two."
CLV.—EPIGRAM."It is rumored that a certain Royal Duke has expressed a determination never to shave until the Reform Bill is crushed entirely."—Court Journal.
In this resolve so steady,
For all the world declare that he
Is too bare-faced already!
CLVI.—SENTENCE OF DEATH.
The following is a literal copy of a notice served by a worthy inhabitant of Gravesend upon his neighbor, whose fowl had eaten his pig's victuals.
"Sir,—I have sent to you as Coashon a gences Leting your fouls Coming Eting and destrowing My Pegs vettles and if so be you Let them Com on My Premses hafter this Noddes I will kil them.
"Rd. Gold."
[Pg 35]
CLVII.—NATIVE WIT.John was thought to be very stupid. He was sent to a mill one day, and the miller said, "John, some people say you are a fool! Now, tell me what you do know, and what you don't know."—"Well," replied John, "I know millers' hogs are fat!"—"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't you know?"—"I don't know whose corn fats 'em!"
CLVIII.—WORTH THE MONEY.Sir Robert Walpole having misquoted a passage in Horace, Mr. Pulteney said the honorable gentleman's
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