The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
Book online «The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings, Mark Lemon [e novels to read online .txt] 📗». Author Mark Lemon
The ballot was, it seems, first proposed in 1795, by Major Cart-wright, who somewhat appropriately wrote a book upon the Common-Wheel.
CLX.—NOT versus NOTT.A gentleman of Maudlin, whose name was Nott, returning late from his friend's rooms, attracted the attention of the proctor, who demanded his name and college. "I am Nott of Maudlin," was the reply, hiccupping. "Sir," said the proctor, in an angry tone, "I did not ask of what college you are not, but of what college you are."—"I am Nott of Maudlin," was again the broken reply. The proctor, enraged at what he considered contumely, insisted on accompanying him to Maudlin, and demanded of the porter, "whether he knew the gentleman."—"Know[Pg 36] him, sir," said the porter, "yes, it is Mr. Nott of this college." The proctor now perceived his error in not understanding the gentleman, and wished him a good night.
CLXI.—A COCKNEY EPIGRAM.No reverence for age appears;
For they who hear each speaker's stuff,
Find there is no respect for (y) ears.
CLXII.—THE PINK OF POLITENESS.
Lord Berkeley was once dining with Lord Chesterfield (the pink of politeness) and a large party, when it was usual to drink wine until they were mellow. Berkeley had by accident shot one of his gamekeepers, and Chesterfield, under the warmth of wine, said, "Pray, my Lord Berkeley, how long is it since you shot a gamekeeper?"—"Not since you hanged your tutor, my lord!" was the reply. You know that Lord Chesterfield brought Dr. Dodd to trial, in consequence of which he was hanged.
CLXIII.—HIGH AND LOW."I expect six clergymen to dine with me on such a day," said a gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?"—"What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the astonished master. "Every thing, sir," was the reply. "If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"
CLXIV.—CITY LOVE.But love that's ready-made is better
For men of business;—so I,
If madam will be cruel, let her.
But should she wish that I should wait
And miss the 'Change,—oh no, I thank her,
I court by deed, or after date,
Through my solicitor or banker.
[Pg 37] CLXV.—INGENIOUS REPLY OF A SOLDIER.
A soldier in the army of the Duke of Marlborough took the name of that general, who reprimanded him for it. "How am I to blame, general?" said the soldier. "I have the choice of names; if I had known one more illustrious than yours, I should have taken it."
CLXVI.—LORD CHESTERFIELD.When Lord Chesterfield was in administration, he proposed a person to his late majesty as proper to fill a place of great trust, but which the king himself was determined should be filled by another. The council, however, resolved not to indulge the king, for fear of a dangerous precedent, and it was Lord Chesterfield's business to present the grant of office for the king's signature. Not to incense his majesty by asking him abruptly, he, with accents of great humility, begged to know with whose name his majesty would be pleased to have the blanks filled up. "With the devil's!" replied the king, in a paroxysm of rage. "And shall the instrument," said the Earl, coolly, "run as usual, Our trusty and well-beloved cousin and counsellor?"—a repartee at which the king laughed heartily, and with great good-humor signed the grant.
CLXVII.—SPECIAL PLEADING.When a very eminent special pleader was asked by a country gentleman if he considered that his son was likely to succeed as a special pleader, he replied, "Pray, sir, can your son eat saw-dust without butter?"
CLXVIII.—ON A NEW DUKE.The temples of that cringing thief?
Is it so strange a thing to find
A toad beneath a strawberry leaf?
CLXIX.—THE ZODIAC CLUB.
On the occasion of starting a convivial club, somebody proposed that it should consist of twelve members, and be[Pg 38] called "The Zodiac," each member to be named after a sign.
"And what shall I be?" inquired a somewhat solemn man, who was afraid that his name would be forgotten.
Jerrold.—"Oh, we'll bring you in as the weight in Libra."
CLXX.—QUIN'S SOLILOQUY ON SEEING THE EMBALMED BODY OF DUKE HUMPHREY, AT ST. ALBAN'S.Embalm the dead—on senseless clay
Rich wine and spices waste:
Like sturgeon, or like brawn, shall I,
Bound in a precious pickle lie,
Which I can never taste!
Let me embalm this flesh of mine,
With turtle fat, and Bourdeaux wine,
And spoil the Egyptian trade,
Than Glo'ster's Duke, more happy I,
Embalm'd alive, old Quin shall lie
A mummy ready made."
CLXXI.—STRIKING REPROOF.
It being reported that Lady Caroline Lamb had, in a moment of passion, knocked down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to whom this was told by Lord Strangford, observed: "Oh! nothing is more natural for a literary lady than to double down a page."—"I would rather," replied his lordship, "advise Caroline to turn over a new leaf."
CLXXII.—A PRETTY PICTURE.E—— taking the portrait of a lady, perceived that when he was working at her mouth she was trying to render it smaller by contracting her lips. "Do not trouble yourself so much, madam," exclaimed the painter; "if you please, I will draw your face without any mouth at all."
CLXXIII.—UNKNOWN TONGUE.During the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer[Pg 39] were going to the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no a wonderfu' thing that the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?"—"Not a bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them?"
CLXXIV.—DUNNING AND LORD MANSFIELD.Whilst the celebrated Mr. Dunning, afterwards Lord Ashburton, was at the bar, he by his conduct did much to support the character and dignity of a barrister, which was frequently disregarded by Lord Mansfield, at that time Chief Justice. The attempts of the Chief Justice to brow-beat the counsel were on many occasions kept in check by the manly and dignified conduct of Mr. Dunning. Lord Mansfield possessed great quickness in discovering the gist of a cause, and having done so, used to amuse himself by taking up a book or a newspaper, whilst counsel was addressing the court. Whenever Mr. Dunning was speaking, and his Lordship seemed thus to hold his argument as of no consequence, the advocate would stop suddenly in his address, and on his Lordship observing, "Pray go on, Mr. Dunning," he would reply, "I beg your pardon, my Lord, but I fear I shall interrupt your Lordship's more important occupations. I will wait until your Lordship has leisure to attend to my client and his humble advocate."
CLXXV.—EPIGRAM.(A good word for Ministers.)
Their promises which end in smoke;
Thus their defence I build;
Granted in office they have slept,
Yet sure those promises are kept
Which never are fulfilled.
CLXXVI.—CHANGING HIS LINE.
A gentleman, inquiring of Jack Bannister respecting a[Pg 40] man who had been hanged, was told that he was dead. "And did he continue in the grocery line?" said the former. "Oh no," replied Jack; "he was quite in a different line when he died."
CLXXVII.—TALL AND SHORT.At an evening party, Jerrold was looking at the dancers. Seeing a very tall gentleman waltzing with a remarkably short lady, he said to a friend at hand, "Humph! there's the mile dancing with the mile-stone."
CLXXVIII.—AN ODD COMPARISON.Sir William B—— being at a parish meeting, made some proposals, which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know, sir, that I have been at the two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"—"Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."
CLXXIX.—ON THE RIGHT SIDE.It was said of one that remembered everything that he lent, but nothing that he borrowed, "that he had lost half of his memory."
CLXXX.—CAUSE OF ABSENCE.When the late Lord Campbell married Miss Scarlett, and departed on his wedding trip, Mr. Justice Abbott observed, when a cause was called on in the Bench, "I thought, Mr. Brougham, that Mr. Campbell was in this case?"—"Yes, my lord," replied Brougham, "but I understand he is ill—suffering from Scarlett fever."
CLXXXI.—THE SCOLD'S VOCABULARY.The copiousness of the English language perhaps was never more apparent than in the following character, by a lady, of her own husband:—
"He is," says she, "an abhorred, barbarous, capricious,[Pg 41] detestable, envious, fastidious, hard-hearted, illiberal, ill-natured, jealous, keen, loathsome, malevolent, nauseous, obstinate, passionate, quarrelsome, raging, saucy, tantalizing, uncomfortable, vexatious, abominable, bitter, captious, disagreeable, execrable, fierce, grating, gross, hasty, malicious, nefarious, obstreperous, peevish, restless, savage, tart, unpleasant, violent, waspish, worrying, acrimonious, blustering, careless, discontented, fretful, growling, hateful, inattentive, malignant, noisy, odious, perverse, rigid, severe, teasing, unsuitable, angry, boisterous, choleric, disgusting, gruff, hectoring, incorrigible, mischievous, negligent, offensive, pettish, roaring, sharp, sluggish, snapping, snarling, sneaking, sour, testy, tiresome, tormenting, touchy, arrogant, austere, awkward, boorish, brawling, brutal, bullying, churlish, clamorous, crabbed, cross, currish, dismal, dull, dry, drowsy, grumbling, horrid, huffish, insolent, intractable, irascible, ireful, morose, murmuring, opinionated, oppressive, outrageous, overbearing, petulant, plaguy, rough, rude, rugged, spiteful, splenetic, stern, stubborn, stupid, sulky, sullen, surly, suspicious, treacherous, troublesome, turbulent, tyrannical, virulent, wrangling, yelping dog-in-a-manger."
CLXXXII.—A FAMILIAR ILLUSTRATION.A medical student under examination, being asked the different effects of heat and cold, replied: "Heat expands and cold contracts."—"Quite right; can you give me an example?"—"Yes, sir, in summer, which is hot, the days are longer; but in winter, which is cold, the days are shorter."
CLXXXIII.—HAPPINESS.Happiness grows at our own firesides, and is not to be picked in strangers' gardens.
CLXXXIV.—TRANSPOSING A COMPLIMENT.It was said of a work (which had been inspected by a severe critic), in terms which at first appeared very flattering, "There is a great deal in this book which is new, and a great deal that is true." So far good, the author would[Pg 42] think; but then came the negation: "But it unfortunately happens, that those portions which are new are not true, and those which are true are not new!"
CLXXXV.—A HANDSOME CONTRIBUTION.A gentleman waited upon Jerrold one morning to enlist his sympathies in behalf of a mutual friend, who was constantly in want of a round sum of money.
"Well," said Jerrold, who had contributed on former occasions, "how much does —— want this time?"
"Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight," the bearer of the hat replied.
Jerrold.—"Well, put me down for one of the noughts this time."
CLXXXVI.—WASTE OF TIME.An old man of ninety having recovered from a very dangerous illness, his friends congratulated him, and encouraged him to get up. "Alas!" said he to them, "it is hardly worth while to dress myself again."
CLXXXVII.—SCOTCH SIMPLICITY.At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a clanking noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her bedside, who said to her, "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to Heeven, an' gin you should see our folks, ye can tell them that we're a weel." To which Jenny replied. "Weel, gin I shud see them I 'se tell them, but you manna expect that I am to gang clank clanking through Heeven looking for your folk."
CLXXXVIII.—TWOFOLD ILLUSTRATION.Sir Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading before Lord Mansfield on some question of manorial right, he chanced unfortunately to say, "My lord, I can illustrate the
Comments (0)